Need advice on ending it

[Waveney]

Hi! I live with my  pwBPD. We are lesbians, but in recent months she went into the closet and started to actively pursue men on tinder and through a group she is in, while denying that she was doing anything. On our anniversary (which she had no interest in at all and yelled at me for suggesting we went out to celebrate) she told me this was the longest she had gone without cheating on a partner and I asked if she would cheat on me then and she said no. Within a week she started cheating with a man (after a suicidal episode).
She is hoping to move cities in April and told me that she wants to be single then.
I have sensed she was losing interest in us since she started pursuing men so it was not a shock when she said it—just painful.

I am no longer interested in her on any level and am actually physically repulsed because of the affair. Last night was the first time I ever turned down sex and she was pisssed at me. Best case scenario is that we have around one month before she moves, but I cannot fake interest and I am not sure how to behave day to day. She puts my coldness down to withdrawing because she is leaving. I don’t see the point in telling her I know about the affair because she will deny til she dies and try to twist things so I feel insane (she told me and her brother she would do that/has done that when caught).

Any advice on how to get through the month? I want to just kick her out but feel that will go badly for both of us!

[mama-wolf]

I am no longer interested in her on any level and am actually physically repulsed because of the affair. Last night was the first time I ever turned down sex and she was pisssed at me. Best case scenario is that we have around one month before she moves, but I cannot fake interest and I am not sure how to behave day to day. She puts my coldness down to withdrawing because she is leaving. I don’t see the point in telling her I know about the affair because she will deny til she dies and try to twist things so I feel insane (she told me and her brother she would do that/has done that when caught).

Any advice on how to get through the month? I want to just kick her out but feel that will go badly for both of us!

Hi Waveney... .I'm really sorry you're going through this.  It seems like it has been a pretty rocky road for a while, and I can imagine how painful this is for you.

As far as getting through the next month, I would say your best bet is to hold firm on your boundaries.  Really think about what you can tolerate and what you can't, and make it clear to your partner.  Not being sexually intimate seems like a very smart place to start given the affair.

Personally, I have lost interest in any physical intimacy with my uBPDw, but for different reasons.  Unless and until things get better between us emotionally, I just can't go there, and I know it's a boundary that really hurts her feelings.  She wants the reassurance that we're OK, that she's attractive, etc. etc.  But that's for her to deal with, and I really have to focus on my feelings... .spend energy on what I know will be fulfilling and healthy for me.

Given what you have said, I don't see any value in confronting her on the affair either.  So, don't get drawn into any gaslighting or arguments.  She has made it clear she wants to leave, and you can make it clear you are working on taking care of yourself during this difficult time. 

Maybe it will help to minimize contact, so what could you do outside of the home over the next month (and beyond) that you enjoy?  Go for a walk?  Hit the gym?  Go to a movie?  My therapist has highly encouraged me to seek out the other connections in my life that keep me grounded in who I am and spend time with those people.  Whether it's to meet up for coffee, hang out and watch TV, share a meal together, it's very important to have these connections and get the kind of support and validation they offer--because we certainly don't get it from our pwBPD!

mw

[Mutt]

Hi Waveney,

Maybe it will help to minimize contact

I agree with everything mama-wolf said I just wanted to add to minimizing contact because we have a really article on how to leave a owBPD according to Dr Joe Carver, act boring, disinterested, share less

Facing The Facts Leaving A Partner With Borderline Personality Disorder

[Waveney]

Thank you so much to both mama-wolf and mutt for your sage advice. I really appreciate it. I read the article and am working on becoming more boring.

Unfortunately my refusal to have sex triggered her into a full-blown episode yesterday. She physically assaulted me (not for the first time, I am ashamed to say) and faked a suicide attempt (that is, she wrote a suicide note, emptied some pill bottles--but carefully bagged and saved the actual pills) and called me in to show me what I had driven her to.

I called emergency services and that calmed her down straight away -- she was angry but had to talk to them to cancel the call. Her mom came over and immediately started minimizing what she did. She also said it's up to me but basically if I refuse sex it will trigger my pwBPD even though she is basically done with us and on to someone new. I have no intention of having sex or any form of intimacy so now I feel quite worried.

I need to get out but I seriously want to minimize the chances of all my possessions being trashed and my reputation destroyed. It is impossible to talk to her about the impact of her violence or suicide attempts because she insists those happen when she is in an episode and therefore she is not responsible for them and I should understand they mean nothing.

Any more wise words anyone?

[mama-wolf]

basically if I refuse sex it will trigger my pwBPD even though she is basically done with us and on to someone new. I have no intention of having sex or any form of intimacy so now I feel quite worried.

I completely understand your concern, and given the position you are in I feel like it is critical to remind you that you are not responsible for how your pwBPD reacts to your boundaries.  You may know this on some level, but I have found it helps me for others to objectively offer me that reassurance.

She doesn't have to like it.  She doesn't have to like you for it.  But she does have to accept it, or otherwise deal with her own feelings about it.

I'm very sorry to hear she physically attacked you.  Do what you can to protect yourself and your belongings... .another important boundary to uphold.  Call the police if you have to.   I realize you may not want to, but ultimately she is responsible for her own behavior and she has to know she'll be held accountable.

I wish I could offer more right now, but I'm short on time and will have to check back in later... .

mw

[Waveney]

I completely understand your concern, and given the position you are in I feel like it is critical to remind you that you are not responsible for how your pwBPD reacts to your boundaries.  You may know this on some level, but I have found it helps me for others to objectively offer me that reassurance.

Thank you so much for this reminder! It does help and I am determined to find a way to ground myself and keep my boundaries. If it escalates to violence again I will call the police if necessary, or leave and call an ambulance for her to try and keep her safe from self-harm.

When I remember she is profoundly ill it does help too to remember that there is no space for negotiation. Just careful (and boring) self-preservation. This site is a god-send!

[ortac77]

What I love about these boards is there is always something new to learn!

The article on 'being boring' when detaching is really good, I think I have kind of being doing that anyway because I am bored with the whole thing but I can see its the only way to end things whilst the borderline is able to maintain their 'external locus of control' - I had been wondering how to best deal with this

In peace