6 months, Post-Break up, lessons learned

[Maxpax2011]

Greetings, I guess I should post this as I am finally starting to escape the fog of being in an unhealthy relationship with someone suffering from BPD. When I first came here, I was so heartbroken with so many unanswered questions regarding my relationship and my ex-partners behavior. At first I considered her to be a very cruel and almost inhuman person. As I researched the disorder, talked to other people including professionals, others like myself, read their stories, I even became friends with a woman who is in treatment for BPD, I learned that I was completely wrong about her. She is not this horrible monster that destroys everyone around her, she is mentally ill, she suffers from an almost incurable disorder. All the symptoms of BPD, the projection, the manipulation, the raging, the moods, I did not think it would actually be substantial facts. But they are. Some people say they don't know love, or they have no empathy, that they intentionally hurt others out of some distorted selfish need. I believed that too for a while.

Her and I reconnected recently, and we spoke a few times, she was so different than the woman I knew when we were together. She was like this scared child, so sad and lonely. I remember when we were dating, she was always angry, always raging, we had some good times, and I remember some amazing moments we shared. One time though she was raging and actually collapse in my arms and ask me what was wrong with her. I didn't know then what I know now. I wish I did, I wish I was able to help her then. In the few times we talked she did express some anger and rage for me leaving and about the break up, but a few times she let her guard down, and she expressed love and kindness towards me, she even cried a few times. I know in some way she does love me, it's not healthy, but it's the only way she knows how. She is in another relationship, and even though she is unhappy, and still has feelings for me, I have had to enter into no contact mode again. I realized that it would only make the situation worse for us. I have since been able to move on and accept that it is over between us, and she is still confused in her emotions about me and her new relationship. As hard as it was I had to begin no contact.

I still love her, and I still want to help her, but she is still refusing to accept her situation for what it is. I fear that the only way she will accept it is if something highly negative impacts her life. I feel guilty for how I treated her during the relationship, the things I said, for calling her names, and for treating her like she was some crazy psycho. After the break up she made me out to be a stalker, triangulated me a few times in her new relationship. I learned that nothing she did was intentional. I found out recently that she was in fact stalking me, driving by my house, checking out my social media etc. She was using projection, to escape the shame and guilt for her impulsive behavior. Seeing her how she is now, and realizing what is wrong with her, and how it affects her life and her behavior, just breaks my heart. I don't understand why this illness is so devastating to people like her. She is the most amazing and loving woman I have ever met, if you take away the disorder, she really is a special person. She will never get treatment I fear, the symptoms may only get worse. It is a tragic circumstance for people like her. Her family and friends just write her off as a moody B!@#$. They don't see what is wrong with her. I dread the day if I hear something bad happened to her.

I just want to say that for the people who are on here and are still trying to work out their relationships with someone who is BPD, I will say from experience that there is hope. If you are able to handle the rages, the anger and the splitting, keep your own emotions in check you should be able to maintain a somewhat stable relationship with that person. Learning to say the right things, is a big plus, always remembering that they do not have the same emotional maturity as us who are healthy, remember that they are actually mentally ill, with such chaotic emotions, so chaotic it causes hallucinations, delusional states, almost psychotic breaks, I noticed now my ex-partner is even starting to hear things in her head. It is a mess of a disorder. But they do know love, and they can love us, it may not be healthy, but if they get treatment, they will be able to love us in a more healthy way. It is a lot of work, and most people can't handle it, I wasn't able to. Does not make us selfish or weak, but not everyone wants that kind of life. However if you truly love them, and if you do it right, the relationship could be a success. I actually learned how to prevent my ex-partner from splitting me black and we aren't even together anymore. It is exhausting and one of the reasons I went no contact, but it is not impossible to have a relationship with someone who is BPD. I became friends with a woman who is getting treatment for BPD, I learned a lot from her. Beyond the rage, the anger and the splitting, there is love, a very powerful emotion of love. More powerful than even a healthy persons emotion of love in my opinion. And that is the problem with them, their emotions are so strong that they love with everything they have, they hate with everything they have, and they hurt with everything they have.

In the end I am glad I learned what I did. I learned that she did love me in some way. That even though I was hurt by the break up, her pain was a 100 times worse than mine. And that nothing she did to me was intentional. She is mentally ill, and needs serious help with her disorder. I can let go of the anger, and I am able to hold no ill will towards her. I do not miss her like I used to, and I rarely dream about her. I was able to get some closure and not in the way I expected. I still love her, but I have learned to be able to live without her. And that is all the closure I need.

[Turkish]

I still love her, but I have learned to be able to live without her. And that is all the closure I need.

Great story.  Learning to live without our partners is the goal we all should strive for.  What struck me most about your story is your lack of anger.  I still struggle with anger.

[Maxpax2011]

Great story.  Learning to live without our partners is the goal we all should strive for.  What struck me most about your story is your lack of anger.  I still struggle with anger.

I understand my friend, I do not know your story, but what helped me was realizing that she is mentally ill and most of the things she did were not under her control, it was the disorder. Much like people who are Schizophrenic, or mentally handicapped, once you understand the severity of the disorder, and it's symptoms you will realize that they a very ill people, who need treatment. What helped me was research, speaking to professionals, also speaking to people who actually are seeking treatment for BPD. I have a friend and she really opened my eyes to how much this disorder affects our loved ones. Anger is an acceptable emotion, there is nothing wrong with that. I will admit that I have some anger, and it is not so much at her, but that she does not realize what she is suffering from, and to see her do things that affect her negatively, such as the drinking, unhealthy relationships with men who mistreat her. BPD does not only affect their emotions or their behavior, but also their self esteem, and their outlook on what makes a healthy relationship. Some are so self loathing or lack self worth that they think is acceptable to be mistreated by their partners, or abused. It is very sad. You have to pity them, and have compassion. We are lucky enough to recover from the break up and lead healthy lives with someone who will treat us like we deserve, they may not. They are truly tragic creatures of the human.

[Turkish]

I asked my ex once start was going through her head when she was raging. She used to leave me with the kids Saturday mornings in order to calm herself.  She told me she hated me and them to see her like that. Wake up Saturday mornings combative, even if we had a good Friday night.  She told me,  "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

I can't imagine living a more lonely existence,  often wracked by guilt of being aware of how you may be hurting others.  

[gotbushels]

Hi Maxpax2011   

I want to join the support for your post here. 

Thank you for your lovely sharing.

I particularly enjoyed the last part.

In the end ... .And that is all the closure I need.

I hope you find peace. 

[heartandwhole]

Thanks for this inspiring post, Maxpax. You sound at peace about your relationship, and that is worth so much.

She is not this horrible monster that destroys everyone around her, she is mentally ill

I think this is a great realization. It's so hard to not take things personally, but with time and distance, sometimes we can see things more clearly, and it helps us reframe our experience. 

In my relationship, it was quite clear how much pwBPD was struggling. It broke my heart and made me want to support him even more. Unfortunately I started to lose myself in the process, so I had to let go. Even though we are not in regular contact, I wish him happiness and feel warmly toward him, so I can relate to your insights here.

heartandwhole