Need to resume relationship

[twokids4me]

After years of feeling that I was the problem, a friend introduced me to the book
"Stop Walking on Eggshells".  Now I understand there is a clinical reason for all the
abuse I have felt and what my mother, before me, went through.  I don't know how
to explain the history but currently, my sister and I have not spoken since last Sunday.
We went together to another state for my youngest daughter's wedding.  From the
moment we pulled out in the car, I felt her demeaner change.  She started by being
critical of minute details.  When we arrived and were with others, she started speaking
sharply and accusatory as if I was purposely ignoring her when I only had others to
consider as well as her.  After 2+ days and the wedding was over, she accused me
loudly in front of others as ignoring her and overlooking her needs.  She left me
carless at the reception for the evening and refused to be a part of the family gathering.
The next day, I spoke my peace that I understand she is NOT who her actions are
showing her to be.  I explained that there is a disorder that takes over and makes
an individual say and do things they would not normally do.  I stated that I love her
with all my heart and want to continue a close relationship with her but that I can no
longer do that when other people are involved.  She did not speak to me verbally but
her body language was very obvious.  When she wanted to leave with the coldness,
I decided to rent a car and drive myself home rather than spend 5 + hours in a car
that way.  We have not spoken in the week since then except I texted her to tell
her I was sincerely happy that she made it home safely and she texted back "K".
I am feeling that I may have done more damage by speaking up about the disorder
than helping.  I was very careful how I worded things to state it is not her fault and
I understand it is something stemming from hurt in the past that I have nothing to
do with.  I stated that I understand she can't help the rejected feelings that are so
strong.  But, I can't help but feel I have hurt her and sent her backwards no matter
how careful I was.  I feel that I need to reach out because I know that is what she needs
to be accepted and not rejected.  But I am an anxious mess at the thought of it.
What do I do?

[zachira]

You love your sister and want to have a relationship with her. You would like to help her and don't seem to be able to, as she is in too much pain to receive any feedback. The lesson I am learning with my borderline family members is I need to limit my contact, and that when I am with them it is mostly all about their needs. I so much want to be validated by them and it is never going to happen. I am working on trying to meet them where they are at, which often means not telling them anything about my life, really limiting any feedback I give them to setting appropriate boundaries, and walking away before things get out of hand. Let us know how things are going and how we can help!

[DaddyBear77]

Hi twokids4me,

I'm really sorry you have experienced the abuse you have in your life. I'm also sorry that you went through such a dramatic episode with your sister, especially in the middle of the wedding of your daughter. I hope you were still able to enjoy the day as much as you could.

It sounds like you're struggling to find a way to reach out to your sister, and communicate to her that you accept her, and understand what she must be going through. This is a really compassionate place to come from, and I really understand that urge.

Have you and your sister ever talked about BPD in the past? Has she been diagnosed? Does she accept that she suffers from BPD? It's often very hard for someone to accept a diagnosis, and that's assuming they've even received one. Do you think that played into her reaction at all?

Have you been through similar episodes with your sister in the past? Do things tend to come back after a cooling off period, or is this unique? I agree with zachira that she might be in too much pain to receive any feedback right now. It may take some time.

Welcome to the bpdfamily twokids4me - I am glad you found us and I look forward to hearing more.

[Speck]

Welcome, twokids4me!

 

Just wanted to join the others in welcoming you to the forums. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

I really appreciate your compassion towards your sister in the face of her behavior during the wedding of your daughter. The episode(s) with your sister must have been quite awkward and uncomfortable at a time when you understandably had a lot to celebrate. Family dynamics can be really weird around weddings, funerals, sicknesses, birthdays, holidays, etc., but this sounds like something more than that.

How do others in your family react to your sister when she gets like this?

I applaud your courage to seek understanding. It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Again, welcome!


-Speck