I need clarity, a safe place for support, validation. I feel trapped

[Thea]

I am not sure if BPD is exactly right. And if it is, it may be more than this.

The major challenges (and there are many, I dont even know where to start) are antagonistic behaviors, victim mentality, highlighting my faults and taking no responsibility. ownership issues with OUR children, jealous of even the smallest gestures the children have toward me, and follows them up with comments like "what about me?" manipulative, entitled. Everything she does has to be acknowledged.

If I post something we did, such as helped a friend but I write "I just got home from... ." she will comment that it was her idea and that she is the one that thought of it, etc etc. I teach a child something, and she brags about her teaching it. There are so many problems I can't begin to list them all.

We have been together for 30 years. I gave up college, she thought i would end up being too good for her. I gave up EVERYTHING to her. I let her take the credit for EVERYTHING so it reduces incidences. If we go out to eat and my food looks better or I have a larger portion she makes me feel guilty and like I have to switch with her even if we ordered different.

If I burn something she says, "of course you would burned it Ive been looking forward to this all day". I pack things for a day trip and bring the little kids each a drink and she asks me wheres hers commenting "You get everyone else a drink but not me" (I dont have a drink either, Im not 5)

I have been lying, covering, making light, losing friends, isolating, confused, high blood pressure, completely on edge. for YEARS! I do not leave the house without the kids (and her) I WONT.  I feel trapped and angry and I just need this to stop. Its all so complicated. Thats all for now. Im feeling really vulnerable just sharing all of this. I am anxiety ridden and exhausted. There are many details I am leaving off - I wish I had a place to blog, anonymous and safe.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Thea,

I'm sorry for the situation you are in, but am so glad you have found us.  This is the anonymous, safe place you are looking for.  There are people here who have been in decades long relationships like the one you describe.  We understand.  You are not alone.  There are coping strategies that can help make life more livable that you can learn here.  The best way to use this place is to become a regular poster, make it part of your support system.  Get to know the folks here, and post on their threads.

Let me say that some of what you said, such as the sacrifice of self, the negative comments, really struck home with me.  I am so sorry.  Those experiences are painful, and the effects cumulative.  It is possible to start working to make things better.

Can you give us some more details to understand your situation?  How old are the kids?  Sons, daughters?  Do you both work outside the home, or does one of you stay home?

In 30 years, I'm sure you've developed a bunch of coping strategies.  Can you give us an example of a situation that you've learned to handle well?  Can you give us an example of something in daily life that is causing the most pain now?

Best,

WW

[Mutt]

Hi Thea,



Id like to join Wentworth and welcome you to the family. I wanted to echo Wentworth this is an anonymous board where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated. Thirty years is a long time I’m sure that you have a lot to share m, is like to hear your experiences.

You’re not alone, it helps to talk to others just like you that can offer you guidance and support. I can relate with you with disconnecting from family and friends because of the conflict you face because if a perceived slight from someone that’s close you need those connections because the feedback from a pwBPD is mostly negative, it’s distortion it leaves you feeling anxious and depressed. We’re here to listen to you. It helps to talk.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Thea,

I hope this is your place. I admire your resistance. 30 years! I've been in my RS for 4 years, and I already lived most of what you just mentioned. No wonder you are so on edge and depleted.

We listen, and we care, and we get it. Thousands of people are in your shoes, and many of those are here. You are not alone. And we know you deserve credit and appreciation, and still you don't get any. You get the opposite more often than not. We've been there. Don't feel vulnerable, because we've been in the same places.

I'm a newbie, but there are other people here with long marriages like yours. I hope you find each other, and that we succeed in supporting each other, and helping you to get to a better place in your family.

[Thea]

Thank you all for the validation! It means a lot!

Wentworth- 5 children, and 3 are under age 10,  She makes comments TO one child like "Im sorry (THEA< NOT MOMMY) doesnt clean the house, its not healthy here (YES IT IS) we should go out just you and me huh? She doesnt actually take him out because he says no.  Im sorry Thea didn't make your drink before you got up. Im sorry she didnt charge your ipad. I can just go on and on and on and on... .

We both stay home, she is on disability and I am trying to regain my footing- but I need to work from home.

I buffer all the things to lessen or make the impact of her state of mind invisible but its getting much harder as they get older. She sets these expectations and expects me to follow them - normal things, like breakfast for example, and then when the one child doesnt want breakfast, makes it seem like I am unfair to him, and that I am requiring he eat right this moment, but with the other child she makes it seem like she loves him so much and wants him to be healthy so he must eat right now. The stories are endless.

She carries one kid (age 7) around then has the nerve to complain that he is still deconditioned. Expressing her all mighty concerns that he needs physical therapy. She sits in a chair with him on her lap all day, scrunched up, and then has the audacity to complain about his breathing sounds. She is creating his problems so that she can claim she discovered them and then is pursuing a positive outcome while I am resisting. I see so clearly now- all of it. All the problems she creates and then solves and everyone wants to give her a medal.

I homeschool by the way. Which I think was a mistake at this point BUT its the ONLY thing in my life that I actually LOVE - that and my business that I am struggling to get off the ground- the struggle comes from maintaining a good (place) in my being. Which honestly if you knew me- Im pretty damn good at all things considered.

[JoeBPD81]

Wow! That's a lot of emotion there! I'm sorry you are kept as an outsider, and a foil around her. And I'm very sorry your son is in the middle of all of it.

I hope some of the more experienced members can shed a light on your concerns. I'm so confused today, I couldn't tell you how to buy an aspirin.

I can only tell you I hear you, and it sounds really hard to live like that. I wish you many moments of happiness, you deserve way more than what you are getting.

[Radcliff]

Thea,

I am so sorry.  That sounds like a really difficult situation.  One of the things that we learn is that we can only control our own behavior, not that of anyone else.  I can personally say that's a tough pill to swallow when our partner is actively disrupting our relationship with a child.  The advice I've been given is to look for any ways that I can strengthen my relationship with the child in question.  What are some of the ways you are able to bond with S7?

WW