I feel like I've been cursed...

[Teri50]

I can't understand myself and why I cannot get this crazy breakup out of my head. He occupies my mind even in my sleep. I've gotten 'better' at some things but just can't seem to come out of this fog. He had held a trip to Europe over me for months and then booked himself, will leave sometime the first of April. I keep thinking the disappointment of that is affecting me too. The Psychologist I see says I know this stuff (I was Psych major, didn't finish) and I'd recognized the behavior early on. Then why did I not end it months before he did? I had thought I was moving to be with him about now and even through the 'drama', he swore he could not stand but seemed to always start, I didn't let go. How is it that this relationship is different from others I've had in my life and broke up? Why can't I get angry? I"m so flat and one step at a time is such an effort. I read that these people are very seductive and manipulative but I was never one to be  blinded like this. I feel likeI've goes nuts.
Now I'm making an about face and trying to go with my plan before I met him. I was happy with myself and by myself. Had confidence. I have os much going for myself and now all I feel is fear... .What is it and HOW do these people do this? One article I read by a Psychologist touched on whether we are 'victims' as it takes 2 usually to tango so to speak. I just loved him, was honest, he said how much he loved me, how sweet I was, what a good heart and person I was... .then set about the business of criticizing all of the very things he said he loved... .God help me... .I read people in here who are years and not over 'it'... .how do you endure that? I'm too old to spend  the rest of my life in this much pain... .tears, tears... .

[juju2]

You are going to be o.k.

You found this place, healing, hope and help is here.

I understand. 

We are in a similar place.  You can read my posts.

what I finally got to, it's been a year since we separated, is i don't understand him, as soon as I think I figured it out (BPD), I am thrown by something else. 

Be good to myself.  When i am upset, confused, sad, not at peace, thoughts moving quickly in my head, urgency to "do something!"  those are my red flags to slow it all down.  Do nothing.  Pause.

what have I done lately around self care?  Who can i be around who loves me unconditionally.
what helps me now.  Do I need a nap.

I write down what I am feeling now, that takes the power out of my obsessive thinking, the urge to Do Something!

I want to look at my intentions.  There is really nothing i "have to do NOW!"

I take time, when i can be aware, of who I am being, does that match w who I tell myself I am, my values, before I make an action.  Pausing has helped me in so many ways.  I want to be true to myself, no matter what anyone thinks.  What matters is what I think.

there is hope, help, wisdom here.  You are in the right place!
j

[Lucky Jim]

I take time, when i can be aware, of who I am being, does that match w who I tell myself I am, my values, before I make an action.  Pausing has helped me in so many ways.  I want to be true to myself, no matter what anyone thinks.  What matters is what I think.

Nicely said, juju6860.  I have a similar process.  Before reacting in knee-jerk fashion, I like to put things on the back burner for a day or so, in order to formulate a response that feels right to me.  It's about responding in a mindful way, not reacting.  Yes to your goal of being true to yourself, which I refer to as "striving for authenticity."  That phrase is more or less my compass after years of pretending and suffering in an abusive marriage to my BPDxW.

LuckyJim

[Teri50]

I try to see where I am on the healing scale and it seems to change almost hourly. One time he had said and I thought it was in jest, the he was going to control my mind... .seems he's succeeded... .we did nightly video chats and he'd text each morning (long distance relationship but seemed we handled that part ok most of the time) at one point I noticed he was less frequent with them or later... .I knew as time went on it's normal to 'get real' and things to change as a relationship matured. Do any of you ever feel coming here prolongs the hurt or am I 'normal' to feel I should avoid all conversation about him or this 'problem', which is obviously now my problem...

[The Cat in d Hat]

I have felt the same way since my encounter with my pwBPD. Do not beat yourself over not being able to see signs. I’m in med school and I had no idea what I was dealing with. When your emotionally invested, you just don’t think things the way you ordinarily would. Met mine online, and my busy schedule and cautious mindset just didn’t allow us to meet in person, so I consider myself lucky it was just left at “online”. We were talking, texting, video chatting, snap chatting all day day, other than sleep, totally enmeshed.

Mine envied my rationality, logic, balance. She constantly praised it and then mocked it at various time. Almost everything she’d praise and then mock, it was confusing. Eventually it brings on feelings of doubt. I’ve never doubted myself before my encounter with her, being confident about who I am my whole life. When she suddenly cut me off she left me sleepless, ironically she was one who had insomnia, and even now I think about her months later. Did she curse me with all her ailments somehow? Lol.

You are not alone thinking being here brings back hurt, but that’s for you to decide what this does. Personally I have found it therapeutic, like others sharing and learning here has helped me rationalize and understand what I experienced and is helping me get over her.

Grieving I believe is important, and my personal way was to think the person I knew has in fact died, since it was just a version she created for me. Everyone has their own methods, I found myself finally getting angry when I realized, how dare she call me all the things she’s guilty of? Massive projection that I actually dwelled on for a while thinking it was me. Step back from it all, understand it’s a disordered individual you dealt with. If there is reflection to be done as some here have complex childhoods/pasts that tie in with this then look into that, or it’s just bad luck or being in a vulnerable state when they found you. Just my take.

Hang in there, good luck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Teri, No, you're not cursed and what you are experiencing is quite familiar to me and other members here who have been through a b/u with a pwBPD.  In my view, it's healthy to acknowledge your feelings and process them, which is why posting here can be a valuable tool for healing.  It's also important to remember that you are not alone, as lots of us have been through this before you.  Let me ask you a question: what makes you think that your Ex suffers from BPD?  Maybe I missed that on an earlier thread.

LJ

[Teri50]

LuckyJim, you asked me why I thought my ex or whatever he is is BPD. My initial research/ NPD and this site seems to concentrate on the similarities but he could be one or both. We had mutual 'friends' on Fb and for 5 yrs just communicated in a general sense. On a few occasions I had told him in private messenger that he seemed like an angry person, he'd come in and say where have you been you've not been talking tome. We were both married at the time and no lines were crossed, I do not put my true personal life in Fb nor did he. He made posts about having shots of Tequila and I'd told him I thought he drank too much and was quite honest with him... .he'd ask my opinion about different things and somewhere divorced from an over 30 yr marriage. My own marriage had long been over and we finally divorced last year in March. Well meantime my NPD/BPD had a 'man' cancer (March also) and having had cancer 18 yrs ago I directed him to male friend to help him some. It was just a general friendship we had. Then About June we began to talk more personally. By September he drove 1600 miles round trip to meet me having sat dhe thought he was falling in love with me and wanted to look into my eyes the window to my soul... .we'd discussed many dreams and plans we had decided we had in common and wanted to share. During this time I had noticed he would talk about himself alot and i'd say well it's NOT all about YOU. He'd say yes it was and if a conversation did not go as he wanted he'd shut it down, he'd agress at me if I pressed to continue. The relationship was fresh and I flew to see him at my Birthday in October. He didn't get me a card or gift but did take me to dinner. Somewhere in this time frame he had wanted to go to Europe and asked me to go. Then back and forth about when and never did book stating we were not on solid ground. ALL the entire relationship he harped on not liking drama and yet was always causing drama when I wasn't even disagreeing with him. Indeed I was often agreeing. He's twist my words, and he's change from liking something to not liking it later when it came up. Telling me what I had said and it would be completely opposite. November he came here again and was sick. I took care of him, Dec I had Flu and no-one here to help. During this time I was clearing business and property I had here as HE had expressed he wanted me to come be within. The closer I got to clearing up my things the more complicated he got. He complained alot of physical ailments, got angry one after when i had finished moving things from office building I had sold. I had the Flu. He had said some one was coming to his house and I came home showered, ate, medicated and napped until he was to call. The phone had been switched off and was depleted from helpers daughter using for games while he helped me move. My NPD/BPD had frantically texted and was angry as all get and no explanation of truth helped. Anyway it was always something and always ME. Additionally his entire vocabulary was I,I ,I me, me, me, mine, mine... .Christmas as I said I didn't make it up as I had Flu and pneumonia as result. H'ed dais he was going to take me shopping. When I made the trip up in Jan and said he could take me shopping that week he said he'd give me a Walmart card and let me go shop for myself. Then also said Christmas is not for 11 m months... .I kept my mouth shut, I was hurt and yes, angry but not going to beg humor make a joke of it. It wasn't the first time that sort of situation had happened. Now mind you I was talking to a Psychologist, well respected and very well educated. As the relationship progressed he pointed out to me I had spotted 'flags' from the first and i had... .it's so damn complicated I could write a book of the entire 8 months. This is a shallow description how complicated he would make the simplest of daily conversations or interactions.

I worked in the Corrections Industry for 24 yrs. I didn't finish my degree but was successful in business and had many conference studies about behavior and always kept my studies up. It's different when you get involved and fall in love though... .anyway all I've studied and read he is 'by the book' and so is my response it appears. I'll write some more personal facts to you when I figure out how to find your private reply area. I'm having a little trouble navigating the site but they are helping me and maybe i'll get the hang of it soon. He's what is called a 'transparent' Narcissist, job, liked in general but psychologist has also pointed out that his 'friends' are probably well aware of his chronic relationship 'failures'... .he has most probably triangulated, if you are familiar with the term. He'd introduced to his boss and his best friends last time I was there and they seemed ever so please he had found someone who obviously loved him, sensible and next thing know he's fighting again. Most of the time if he's wrong and of course then I'm criticizing him... .juvenile responses and again there's more but best discussed privately... .T