Finding me—one day at a time I will make it through this.

Hello Everyone,
It's been a little over two weeks since I ended my relationship with a BPD boyfriend. We were in a long distance relationship for the past year. I was not only in a romantic relationship with this person I was also his manager. A title that I now think he pushed me in to keep me in his life, knowing his struggle with relationships.
I began dating him a year ago after meeting him online. I quickly learned he was a starving musician, but super talented. Because I had business experience and loved music I offered to help. Right away he wanted me to hold a management title, but I declined and stated I just wanted to help him. I went all in. Developing his brand, websites, social media and running his public relations. His career took off and he convinced me to manage him as well as remain romantic.
In the beginning things were 5/10 good. He was super sweet, but anytime there was conflict he would blow up, screaming at the top of his lungs. He would then follow up by saying he was an awful person and he thinks he's going to just kill himself. With those statement he got me to feel sorry for him (at first) and I would quickly back down.
Because of our work relationship I saw him often and spent long periods of time with him in his hometown and other countries. When we were together he was never really that sexual or intimate with me. I was usually the one to initiate sex or intimacy and sometimes he would take me up and at others he was distance. Unless we were out and about he spent most of the time on his phone checking his social media and youtube likes. He was obsessed with approval from others . As for me I forgot about myself and in order to be close to him enjoyed what he enjoyed.
I later found out via social media he had a 10 year relationship with his sons mother and they lived together. When I confronted him about it, he begged and pleaded, said it he was over her an trying to get away. i believed him because I had recently left a similar situation.
As time went on the ups and downs kept coming. When I was with him things were ok. other than his extreme happiness and then sudden emptiness and boredom. However when we parted he would not call me right back or respond to simple text on whatsapp when I could clearly see he was online. When I finally talk to him I brought this up. He would go extreme screaming and saying he was sleep or he didn't see the message. Sometimes he hangup and text me that he couldn't talk he needed to cool down. it was always him who hurt me and yet I was the one left feeling guilty. Many times i thought to end the relationship because of his inability to respect my smallest request, but every time I saw him the relationship felt good with the exception of his limited intimacy.
The last four months have been hell!
I left a 10 day radio tour in New York with him about 4 months ago. Our time there was amazing and he was very affectionate. After he returned home his latest song was playing everywhere and his fame jumped about 25%. Mostly due to my managerial skills and financial involvement. He forgot all about me. I got no more morning messages. No call backs or messaging for hours after I texted him when he would be online and when i would talk to him he was distant and arrogant. I would say kindly"what's going on, I feel sad." He would totally ignore my comment and ask about managerial stuff and then quickly hang up on me and not call back until the next day. i was hurt, but I had already realized he had BPD because I had a friend with it and he fit all nine of the characteristics and had come from a poor and neglectful parentless home.
So I stuck around and did not force communication instead i would send him messages telling him "I am here for you if you need me."
These loving affirmations seemed to not support him but make him push me even further away ( as if I were desperate), so finally I told him he was not my friend and did not know how to be a lover, friend, or partner of any sort. I told him i would continue to work for him until August, but after that there would be nothing left for us. I was in tears at this point. He did not console me at all (which was not typical of him) he always fought to convince me otherwise. After that conversation, he sent me a message and said " I really am sorry." I didn't go back to being emotional and for the next couple of months kept our conversation on his kids (who I am very close with) and management things. I stayed kind and cordial, even though my heart was broken at the lost of the romance.
After the transition he treated me even more at a distance. Updating me very little about career things and pushing much of my duties onto his good friend, who he later named his road manager (without my input). He even went on a radio interview and gave him a shout out, while merely mentioning my name with not title. There were videos put out on his VeVo page ( I created ) without even notifying me, so I could help promote him like usual.
HE WAS PURPOSELY PUNISHING ME BECAUSE HE HURT ME. What the heck... .
So for the next month or so I contemplated rather or not I should drop the management title, loose the 20% I had worked so hard for and invested so much in, or keep suffering this emotional abuse?
I brought the subject up a couple times and he said "you have to manage me, I will do better." So I stayed even though I had heard this before.
In the next few weeks I went to his country for a show he was performing in and ask me to come to. When I arrived in his country he was not the same man I had known. i tried to hug him. He was stiff as a board. I still gave him love. The concert was nice. He did not let me leave his side. He requested I stayed with him. He came back to my rental afterward along with his crew. He slept in the bed with me on one side and me on the other. He woke up and left said he would be back. I did not see him til the next morning. he came with his kids while I was away going to see his grandma because he did not take me there like usual and we had bonded. i brought her back to my rental we all ate dinner and hung out. That evening together we dropped every one off and I went to the studio with him. He was sweet and calm. We arrived back to the rental he said he would take his kids home and return. He promised. He never returned and yet he had the rental keys and my car keys, which he dropped to his friend to give to me. I was upset. I met up with him to discuss it. He was willing to meet but not to discuss my feeling. Right away he started screaming he had work to do and he totally twisted the conversation. I stayed calm but he pushed and pushed til I rose. Finally he got out the car and no longer wanted to deal with me. We had a meeting with the booking agent that day. he said he wasn't going. " I am an artist and shouldn't have to go. So I went with his road manager. Later that evening (it was my last night in the country) I met him at the studio with food cause I know he forgets to eat. he seemed cool. He then told his friend to take me home. I told him I wanted to stay at the studio with him ( like usual) he refused and said he would come to me later. I was rejected and hurt. I cried. i pulled him to the side and told him I could not manage him. I loved him too much and i wished him the best. Tears began falling down his eyes. I walked off. He asked if I wanted him to come later. I said no and left.
The next morning I sent a message asking if i could see his daughter before I went to the airport. He said she was at school and if i wanted him to come. He was sorry I said ok. he said 45 minute. 3hours later nothing. I asked if he would be there in time to get me to the airport, he said yes and still took his time.
I changed my mind and left to the airport. I did not want to see him.
An hour later i got a text with a sad face saying I am here. I did not respond. He apologized for everything and said I have to continue to manage him. Still i did not reply.
The next month we talked briefly here and there, still no consistency and limited respect. i debated what to do. It was too bad to stay and I was too CODEPENDENT to leave. Plus his career was taking off, i invested so much I deserved to manage him. But was it worth LOOSING MYSELF?
THE FINAL STRAW
Recently there was a show in anther country close to his home and far from mine. I was already on the contract to go with him and just recently I had asked him if he still wanted me to he said yes. There was some complication with the promoter paying for my 1300 ticket so she paid 500.00 upfront and said she would reimburse me the other 800.00 before his third performance on Sunday.
I arrived on the Island he had arrived before me . The promoter took me to the studio where he was. We hugged. He proceeded to do his radio interview. When it was over i asked for us to be taken to the house the promoter had set for us, so he could rest before the show. The promoter dragged us around so I told him I was going to just rent a room for us. He was on board. The promoter then shows up and wants to talk to him in private about the final payment. I told her I handle all monies. I later find out that he was making an issued out of having his own room. I am hurt at this point because of the secrecy about us with strangers.
He starts to blow up then shuts down and say nothing.
I pull myself together and decide to be a big girl, get my own room and enjoy myself. If he wants to be away from me ***k him I got this. When I arrived at my room ok with the arrangements... .He decides he wants to just go with me. I let him. He rests on one bed and I on the other.
We go to the first performance and we are in a VIP section. He is pouring my drinks and being attentive, while I give him space with his female fans ( whom he is way intimate with and passes numbers).
At the end of the night we head back to the room. Im on my bed and he on his. He prompts me to come lay with him. i say no. He says for fun I say i can't just do fun when I love someone. He is continues to pressure me and I give . we cuddle and fall asleep. the next morning i get coffee and breakfast we obsess over his music on social medial together then we have an intimate and sexual encounter. Later her wants to go to the studio. I tel him go ahead. i'm ok, i'm going to the beach. we separate on good terms at about 4pm with plans to see each other later. hours go by i go to a place for a drink run into him and he says he will see me in a bit. i don't see him till the next morning at about 6am no call nothing. He shows up at the room good morning. I politely return the gesture. I had a good night so it did not bother me so much. he lays in my bed I try to touch him. he pushes me away. Then i turn my back on him. He rubs my stomach asking if I am mad. i say no. Later that morning we go on a planned cruise to see sting rays and a private island. It was beautiful. he loves children, so he played and watched some that were aboard. we laughed, drank, took pictures and shared many intimate moments. by the time we reached the island his mood had sank. he did not want to do any of the activities and began to complain about the promoter saying he was not doing the next show. he even left her a message. typical of him to find problems when he is down. i remain silent.He sleep or pretends to on my lap while i drink. we get back on the boat to head back, he is anxious, wondering why the boat is going so slow. He seems bored and down. He is not sitting close to me.
when we return he calls his daughter and lets me talk to her she said she cant find my number and just as I am about to give it to her he say no she is in trouble. I say why am I her punishment? he is always mean to her because he hurts her so much and then like he does to me turns on her. She is 11.
After we arrive back to the room, i notice his mood is depleted. He is facing the bed and not say much as he scrolls his phone.
I say look! I can see you need space, so i am gonna go get us some food and come back. I kiss his face and say I love you. He responds by saying he is going to go to the studio and clear his head. I said ok well i will stay here and i sit. He sees my calm and says ok go here is some money. I leave and when I return he is on the balcony and he is face timing with some girl. I here most the conversation and I am crushed. I go on the balcony he continues to talk rage is going thru me. Finally he hangs up I say nothing and come back inside. Hes like what? "You said you were just going to manage me if you would have said you wanted to be with me ( he is yelling this as he fights to keep me around). I tell him all he does is hurt people and that i have done everything for him.I say we were intimate, you invited me to your bed and we want on a nice cruise. He starts packing his stuff saying i want him to leave. He calls a friend to pick him up all while trying to convince me to get someone to manage him so we could be together. (bull).

i walk out while he is ranting. i go for a swim and a lay in the beach convincing myself to not be a victim. My mind is mad up. ITS OVER! Not because of the girl. I know he has many. I am leaving because I am tired of being pushed and pulled by this man who is not only unable to love me, but who emotional abuses me when I am understanding that he cant. That night he left and he performed on that boat without making sure i got my 800.00. I found out through social media. He had left me on an island alone, when i had came to support him. Here it was I done everything for him and to help his dreams come true and he could not accept that kind of love it was foreign to him. Not only could he not accept it he couldn't accept that I accepted it.
I tried to be his lover. He could not take that. I tried to be his friend. He could not accept that because he felt unwanted. i tried to manage him and he shut me out of all the duties to show me he didn't need me but wouldn't let me go. His ups and downs had me up and down before i knew he had an illness. So this very little last thing triggered all the big things he had done to me. it did not matter if they were intentional or unintentional. i was hurting and his security relied on my hurt.
the next morning when I left the island I saw him just feet away in the airport . It took everything inside me not to run over to him, hug and kiss him and tell him how very much I loved him, but I knew I had to take the very first step in change and RESIST. It nearly killed me but as the intercom called for passengers going his way I strayed away from what wanted and focused on what i needed.
I had three stops on my journey home and at every stop I took action for change.
I changed my number
I blocked my emails
and began reading about BPD to help me understand it was not about me
I did not want to be angry with him
I wanted understanding so I could be compassionate and not cary a burden of hate
I also started writing poetry about my daily feelings
The next day I received a message on instagram (i forgot to take the app down) it was from him. I never opened it.
I wish so badly that he could be better and I could remain in his life. I love him so much and I know he is a good person, who is still using old tools in a new system, but this story is not his. It is mine. My journey. My Moments. My love for a man with BPD and my Journey to end the relationship.
I was attracted to this mans flaws and it put in a situation way to long. So now Im working through therapy (that i had before him) to end the vicious cycle off attracting emotionally unavailable people, expecting them to love me back and feeling crushed when they don't. As much as this place to vent is about BPD there is a flip side and that is all whom love them. What do we have in common? What needs are we trying to meet?
One day at a time I will make it through this
I am victor not victim. I have no regrets. This was a chapter.



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