My Friend's Dysfunctional Relationship is a Trigger for Me

[Pretty Woman]

Last summer a friend of mine (gay male) met another man online and they started dating. My friend is a very insecure guy, overweight, balding. In his words, "below average looking". He is not physically healthy (bad heart) and makes up for this by being extremely generous if not overly generous to others (throwing lavish birthdays for people he has just met, buying dinner "just because".

What he feels he lacks in the physical, he makes up by being a really sweet person who genuinely cares about others. For a guy with a bad heart, he truly has the best of intentions.
 

He always thinks he is not going to be around to spend what he has made due to his poor health. He is a very successful businessman. Unfortunately, this also makes him a target for people to take advantage.

Anyhow, he met a man last August online who lives a state away. This guy has a 16yo, a 2yo and is still married to a woman. I do not judge this (the being married part) to each their own, however I do admit coming from a broken home I feel for the kids and all the confusion this may cause them... .a suddenly gay parent and then a new partner in their lives while their parents are technically still together... .

So after a month of dating, this man moves in with my friend. He leaves his entire family and moves in with a stranger. We (my friends and I) meet him and he is not friendly, almost seems annoyed our friend has friends (we are a very social group that gets together often). We all start to see our friend isolating himself, cancelling plans with us because his new boyfriend is uncomfortable and cranky with him about group things.

Soon, we see this character leaving town when we have major plans and soon it's our friend by himself at most functions... .boyfriend never to be seen.

A lot of strange things start to occur that do not feel right to myself or my friends. My friend takes this guy on a trip and he disappears for three hours with another man (the husband of a longtime friend). My friend ends up cutting off his life long friend for this boyfriend... .

He asks to borrow large sums of money (which my friend luckily did not supply).

Eventually the boyfriend breaks up with our friend and disappears, changes his number... .all on the cell phone my friend bought him.

I know none of this is my business. I know my friend has 0 boundaries and seems to attract men that walk all over him... .that really isn't my problem.

 Today I find myself more angry at my friend than this man I feel is using him.

Yesterday, my friend was rushed to the hospital for pneumonia and he posts a thanks to all his dear friends, especially for the moral support of his "sweetie". None of us knew this guy had reappeared and they were back together, after he disappeared in February.

Yup, this guy who I personally believe is a con artist is back and he is back when my friend is vulnerable, sick and hospitalized.

I am struggling with boundaries today. I know I've broken boundaries by taking this personally. I am angry with myself that I am so mad at my friend. I am struggling with ending this friendship because I feel I have outgrown people who repeat the same mistakes over and over again... .

I feel self shame because I think all of this makes me sound like an elitist. I'm not. I'm just healthier than I used to be.

Any advice for how to rationally handle this? Again, I have a nice relationship with this person and he is a genuine friend to me. How do I put his personal stuff aside and not make it so personal because of my past experiences? How to stop myself from getting so angry, like I'm being cheated on and screwed over... .because I'm clearly not  

Thank you for all input!

PW  

[salvage]

It is said that if you find someone's else behavior upsetting to you (especially when it lingers and their behavior isn't directed at you) - that it is about you and not them.

In my opinion (and its my opinion only), your anger at him is really at the part(s) of him that remind you of things about yourself (either still present or in your past that you haven't forgiven yourself for).

You find him kind but weak... .You see him isolating and allowing himself to be used... .do either of those strike a cord within you?

Perhaps as you view this it makes you connect with how your friends may have seen you during your time with your BPD ex... ?

and perhaps this makes you uncomfortable as well as angry and that is why you want to disconnect from him...

What if you offered him compassion instead?  what if you offered it to yourself?

Just my random musings...

K

[lighthouse9]

Hi PW,

I really like what Salvage has to say here, and those words ring true for me.

I'm not in your shoes, but I've been finding myself to be really intolerant lately of anything that feels maladaptive from friends and family. I know this is my thing (mostly). At the least, it's my thing in the sense that I need to be more clear with people about what I need and allow them to provide it (or not provide it). Instead, I find myself sometimes saying "screw everyone" and going at it alone.

Again, not the same situation, but to ride off of Salvage's post a bit here... .

it sounds like you're really struggling to figure out what is yours here, what isn't, what's ok to say or feel, what isn't, etc etc.

Please be gentle with yourself. That's number one. If your friend's dysfunctional relationship is a trigger for you, then don't over expose yourself, or at least not until you feel like you can get it under control a bit. If those feelings don't go away, then maybe it's time to fade away from this friend.

If you're here, I'm guessing you know what it's like to get sucked in by someone who can really mess you up bad. I know for me, it makes me kind of hate that these kinds of things exist in the world and strips me of my own compassionate heart from time to time. I trust no one right now. Occasionally, I feel like a wolf backed into a corner. That's fear. For me, fear looks like a lot of things, but this is one of the ways it plays out. (I'm a fight, not flight or freeze person)

I like how you're naming your emotions. You feel angry. You feel shame. This is good. Keep naming. Naming something is powerful.

I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice on how to rationally handle this, and likely, you already know what to rationally do.

But what about emotionally? Not that emotions aren't rationale, but what are you going to do to emotionally handle this?

Keep writing, and I truly hope your friend finds his way out. What a terrible, terrible situation.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PW,

As salvage has said, I wonder if this is a little close to home for you to feel comfortable with.  Could you be holding onto some anger at yourself?  Do the events in any way reflect the patterns in your r/s with your BPD ex?  I'm also interested to know if you feel that aside from the situation your friend is in, whether you feel in some way that you have outgrown the friendship by progressing in your own learning on your journey to healing? 

I have a friend who is doing something similar.  She has been on and off with a guy for 3 years now and there came a point where it was obvious that she will stay in this cycle until she has no other choice but to leave it, or he leaves her for good.  No matter how much he hurts her, she takes him back as if nothing ever happened.  Her self esteem is so low she doesn't have the will to value herself more than that. 

I try not to judge her, as I've been there myself in the past, however I do find that we have been drifting apart and the time between communication or effort to see one another keeps expanding.  She seems to realise she has worn out the one topic that takes up all of her thoughts.  I'm OK with that.  I feel like I've moved forwards and she remains stuck in a place I formerly was but is making no move to change that.  Hopefully she will in time break free and catch up.  She has always been a good friend and I'll be there for her if she needs me.

Love and light x