The BPD discard and emotional detachment

[Elmurr]

When a BPD discards us they seemingly completely emotionally detach as if we never meant anything. Is this because they genuinely felt nothing, or are they burying their emotions to protect themselves?

Is this immediate and total detachment a well-practiced defence mechanism of the BPD individual learnt through multiple difficult experiences in life, that allows them to avoid the pain of loss, and to defend themselves from facing the difficult emotions of shame and guilt that they would otherwise be experiencing? Is this why the BPD discard is so traumatising for the non?

In discussion with my therapist last week, this came up:
Me - "I wish I could just switch off the emotions and completely detach from the whole thing like she did".
Therapist -  "No, you mustn't bury your emotions. You need to deal with the unpleasant emotions now otherwise they lie dormant and resurface in the future".

This got me thinking, when a BPD discards and then completely emotionally detaches as if you do not exist, does this recession of emotions lie dormant and come back to the surface later in life when things go wrong? Does this fuel things such as their self-loathing and depression? I know my ex had depressive bouts and periods of self-loathing about her past which I couldn't understand then, but now can understand completely, and I wonder if this was these old unaddressed emotions resurfacing from the past. Any thoughts?

[Elmurr]

I don't know if anyone else has a view on the thought process behind how a BPD discards a non, but from my experience it seems to be focused on preserving the self in the position of the victim, and shame avoidance.

The devaluation phase is about shifting blame. From my experience only, the process seems to be:

• BPD does something that triggers shame (cheats, lies etc), or they just want to leave the relationship.
• The BPD can't then admit to the shameful act and break up with the non as this would enforce their shame and remove them from the position of the victim.
• Subsequently, they push/bait the non to react badly. They eventually do react.
• The BPD then feels redeemed for the shaming act which is now unimportant.
• The BPD then feels entitled to discard the non and blame them for ruining the relationship.
• Knowing they are the victim, the BPD then walks away, completely detached emotionally and never looks back again at their abusive partner.
• The non is left traumatised and completely confused, and left asking themselves if they were the abusive one.
• The BPD then tells the new guy how abusive her ex was, and the process starts again.

It seems to be largely about maintaining the position of the victim, and preserving the self, albeit by deceptive and devious means.

Is the process of the BPD discard all a well practiced defence mechanism focused on shame avoidance and preservation of their internal view of perfection, and the external view of them as the victim?

[Skip]

Advanced board comments... .

BPD and "the discard". I think the idea that people with BPD traits suddenly leave relationships is overstated. Many people walk away from relationships. It's estimated that as many as 50% of all singles have been "ghosted" -  the ultimate stinger. This is cultural phenomenon.

When you partner end it suddenly While we often think our partner just went from 60 - 0 over some perceived failing, we are often not seeing the full picture. Relationships (and do) wear down. Often it is a slow process. There is a fight, it is not resolve (interest in relationship weakened). There is another fight, it is not resolved (interest in relationship weakened further). There is another fight, it is not resolved (interest in relationship weakened further). Communication is harder, resentment sets in (interest in relationship weakened further). There is a breakup. Partners get back together (interest in relationship weakened further).

My point is that if we miss or underestimate or are oblivious to our partners slowly waning interest, then it feels like sudden break-up. But a good friend of our partner will often know that the relationship has been sliding for a while. And the waning interest can even go to the point of grieving the lost of the relationship while in the relationship - especially in live-in or long standing relationships.

Easier to leave than to fix This is probably where BPD fits in this "model" - a person with BPD who over experiences emotions, can far more easily get to a point where it is easier to go one to another fantasy than to slog through the repair of a chronically broken relationship.

Impulsiveness This is also where BPD fits in this "model" - a person with BPD can be impulsive and not think about consequences and can create a relationship problem that is too messy to fix. Cheating is one example.

What is ghosting all about? Breaking up is hard and its not fun. If the relationship has any clingy-ness in it, sometimes the partner won't let go. If one person really made a mess (e.g., cheating) it is hard to face the shame and they just wipe the slate clean and move on.

I think the bottomline is that it is not true that they suddenly didn't love us or that they never loved us. It is more realistic that the relationship was devolving and we didn't see it - partially because the other person was trying to resolve things too ad sending mixed signals in the process, and partially we though thing were resolved that were not resolved, and partially because we don't have a clear view into another persons head and we don't always take the time to look for and read the signals.

All of this, regardless of the understanding of the human nature of it, is a killer for the recipient.

It really hurts.

[once removed]

When a BPD discards us they seemingly completely emotionally detach as if we never meant anything. Is this because they genuinely felt nothing, or are they burying their emotions to protect themselves?

the person who does the breaking up in a relationship is usually at a different stage of grieving; most of it may already be done. the person on the receiving end of a breakup may be keenly aware that its coming, or they may feel blindsided, but signs were usually there. the person doing the breakup may have unresolved grief or guilt (ask anyone who has done the leaving on these boards) but its the person on the receiving end that feels the loss of self esteem, confidence, love, idealization in many of our cases, feels abandoned and/or victimized.

for example, my ex leaving felt very sudden to me. she became very distant, seemingly over night. when we had our breakup conversation, she made clear she had been thinking about it, and was pretty resolved. subsequently i did discover a new man waiting in the wings, and suspect that there were multiple incidents of cheating over probably around a year. i saw the signs of cheating, i overlooked them. when i signaled that i accepted the breakup, things blew up, and she became pretty vindictive.

sounds somewhat typical of stories here, right? i left out that id emotionally backed out of the relationship for that year. we had intractable fights. i avoided her. there wasnt really anything sudden about our breakup. i think wed both tell you it was a long time coming.

BPD certainly fit into the equation. i think my ex felt a lot of shame and guilt over cheating, and over other things. i think it also made her feel detached from me. i suspect, like me, she felt trapped in the relationship. i think after our breakup, a lot of boiling resentment from the entire relationship surfaced; i think there was a lot projected at me too, that she didnt know how to deal with. i also think she had doubts about leaving. i think, like me, she was flooded with emotion and fight or flight feelings, anger, sadness, and couldnt see the bigger picture.

today, this model fits pretty well: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[Elmurr]

I agree. My relationship had been a mess for years. I tried to leave so many times.

The problem for me was that on the run up to my ex moving to London she had said that it was a new start for us, and she told me she loved me 5 days before the move, and then on THE DAY she moved she discarded me and I was hated, and threatened with a restraining order if I ever contacted her again. She simply didn't care. And she loved it.

Either it was a defence mechanism to completely block me out after the discard, or, she had emotionally detached months before and dragged me along until the move to simply to cause me as much pain as possible.

Either way, it was my fault it had happened, and she stopped caring overnight. I apologised for everything, and she didn't even accept the other men as being an issue. Very unpleasant and confusing experience that reconfigures your entire perception of life, best avoided.

[Pretty Woman]

I think the hardest part is when you (the dumpee) are processing what just happened and they are so nasty about it. My ex actually laughed at me and told me just to move on, don't be a baby about it.

It's not like she was gently guiding me or comforting, she was filled with absolute hatred when a few days earlier I was the "love of her life"-her words. 

I will say, at the beginning of our relationship she stated how horrible all her exes were... .yet by the middle she had refriended a few, even left me for one ex (though she returned two weeks later, completing anihilating this ex emotionally).

Nothing good comes from reconnecting with them. You let down your guard and each time it gets worse. 

[Elmurr]

she was filled with absolute hatred when a few days earlier I was the "love of her life"-her words.  

This seems to be a common theme. So why do they tell you they love you a few days before the discard? To say that it's just because they're emotionally unstable is too vague, it can't be just mental instability because if it was there wouldn't be such consistency in the process amongst multiple BPD partners mentioned on this site.

[once removed]

The problem for me was that on the run up to my ex moving to London she had said that it was a new start for us, and she told me she loved me 5 days before the move, and then on THE DAY she moved she discarded me and I was hated, and threatened with a restraining order if I ever contacted her again. She simply didn't care. And she loved it.

before the distance, and before we broke up, my ex and i were on an upswing. we werent fighting. i took her to a concert, and we spent the weekend together. it was a good weekend. she told me that she fell in love with me all over again. it was the last time we saw each other.

second thoughts like this happen often for a person feeling conflicted about breaking up. and then third and fourth thoughts, new and larger fears and anxieties happen. or sometimes a spark ignites and things explode. sometimes a combination of all of these things. but for the most part, the person doing the breaking up, at least initially, feels determined to do so, reminds themselves of reasons that it is justified, and may even take great pleasure, again, initially.

of course where borderline traits are involved, this can be a wilder swing back and forth, bewildering for the person on the receiving end, decisions/actions may be impulsive as Skip said, and theres very little grey, youre generally loved or youre hated.

Either it was a defence mechanism to completely block me out after the discard, or, she had emotionally detached months before

i suspect it was some of both (not the intention to drag out the relationship in order to cause maximum pain). the degradation of the relationship played a role. her emotions were also sky high, and distorted.

[Skip]

So why do they tell you they love you a few days before the discard?

Why do we work on projects at work the day before we announce that we are quitting?

Because you are not totally sure, still thinking about it.

Love is not a black and white thing, it is on a scale and when you start getting near 50% point (could take it or leave it), it becomes extremely fragile. This is true for everyone.

She didn't love you 100% one day and then 0% the next. The relationship wore down to a fragile point. When it is at that point, lots of things can push it over the edge. A new job. A birthday. A girlfriend getting married. You were an old shirt.

This is going to make more sense if you look at the whole story, not just the last 24 hours.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

From my experience, I believe they are probably burying their emotions and/or it's a defense/coping mechanism. Although, I can't speak for anyone else really. I can only guess.

In my situation, my ex is probably BPD/NPD. I divorced him after close to twenty years of marriage due to his emotional abuse.
During our divorce he seemed emotionally volatile. His mood swings were really bad some days. One moment I was "everything" to him and the next moment he wanted me out of the house immediately with nothing more than the clothes on my back. One moment he would be sobbing and the next moment he would be raging at me for ruining his life. Some days he would tower over me in anger inches from my face daring me to hit him. I would calmly walk away which would infuriate him even more. These moments threw me off. I felt shocked at times and would just freeze when he was going through these intense emotional swings. For the majority of our marriage, he rarely showed intense emotions like this. Occasionally he would go through bouts of aggression like road rage to the point someone would call the police on him but other than that he was pretty calm. Probably because I was codependent and managed his emotions. Once I stopped doing that, it all went to hell in a hand basket. It was definitely eye-opening.

Fast forward a few years after the divorce. When I enter a room for school events, he immediately leaves. If he can't leave for whatever reason, he deliberately turns his back on me. He even blantantly told me he will not read any messages I send him even if they are about the kids.

Given his past emotional state that I've witnessed with the recent version, I am wondering if he's burying his emotions now. It could also be a defense/coping mechanism. I'm not quite sure and I may never know for sure.

Now having said all that, sometimes I wonder if our perceptions can be "off" or skewed sometimes. For example, my ex claimed I could switch off my emotions and completely detach and feel nothing. While I can see why he would say that, it wasn't the case at all. I had learned the hard way to not emotionally react to him when I felt he was deliberately trying to provoke me, like when he would tower over me daring me to hit him. I felt the emotions, I just worked really hard at not showing them to him. If I did react emotionally, then he claimed I was unstable. For years I had dissociated from everything as a coping mechanism but had been in therapy working on it. Now that I feel everything for once, I work super hard at my reactions and working through my emotions with my therapist and friends I trust. Just because we don't show our emotions doesn't necessarily mean we aren't feeling them. Sometimes I wonder about this in regards to my ex and other BPD people. It may just "simply" depend on the person and the situation.

[Pretty Woman]

I second Skip on the "not being sure about it" statement. She was already interested in my replacement, something happened over those few days where she knew she had her and thus I could be discarded.

It's an attachment disorder. My ex had a lot of people on the back burner while with me, people I didn't realize until later.

[NotOverHer]

People with BPD have different brain chemistry than we do. We feel pain after being discarded. They likely feel more pain when they are being dumped (the abandonment anxiety). But more commonly, they dump us, the non-BPDs, in a typical blindsided ":)iscard". I believe they have minimal emotion. I do not think they bury their pain regarding the discard. They have so much pain inside, that they are unlikely to feel any increased pain from dumping us. They often have a new significant other that they have lined up by the time we are dumped. They cannot stand to be alone. They dump us and move on to the next victim, with minimal care for the severe pain they are causing. They lack empathy, it's part of their disease. 

In the book on BPD "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me", by Jerold Kreisman MD, there is a mention that it has been shown that their brains are different. The portion of the brain that regulates emotion does not work the same in a BPD as it does non-BPDs. To quote from page 195 of that book "Sophisticated brain imaging - such as fMRI (functional MRI), CT, PET scans and SPECT (single photon emission computed tomography) - has elucidated some of the anatomical and physiological deviations associated with BPD. These studies seem to imply overactivity of those parts of the brain involved in emotional response (the limbic system), which includes such deep brain structures as the amygdala, hippocampus, and cingulate gyrus, while demonstrating underactivity of the outer parts of the brain involved with executive thinking and control, such as the prefrontal cortex."

Sorry for the complex words. I am trying to state that we can't judge their dysregulated thought process by our normal standards. I believe that when they walk out on us, they just forget about us and now direct their love-bombing and idealization on a new person, without second thoughts to us, or how we are left shattered and stunned.

[whitebackatcha]

It's an attachment disorder.

It's interesting that you would say this. A friend of mine said that there is a theory that when found in children, it is labeled Reactive Attachment Disorder, but when found in adulthood, it is labeled BPD, but it is actually the same disorder.

[findingmyselfagain]

It's been 7 yrs since my chaos. I can see a lot from hindsight 20/30. Still blows my mind how bizarre it ended.

On an upswing as it seems so often. She went out with a co-worker 4 days after our wedding shower, threw it in my face, and got upset with me somehow. The r:s collapsed soon afterwards. Later on she told me she was having terrible panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. A few months before she wanted to run to the chapel. It blew my mind for the longest. It's an attachment disorder. They are all different though. Our intimacy and actual good relationship triggered her. Shame took over and she never recovered. She actually got upset when people mentioned then how nice I was and how good we looked together. I met her to take care of loose ends just about a month later. It was bizarre how emotionless and cold she was. It's impossible to wrap your head around it except to know it wasn't normal. Best to work on yourself and forget them. Yes, she did end up dating the co-worker. So quickly it would be a slap in the face if it was a reflection of her true experience. I'm in a much better place now but man it was bizarre!

[Pretty Woman]

What they show you is who they are. We try to make excuses for it and carry all this blame.

You need to let up on yourself. You did the best you could at that time. There's no turning back, only moving forward armed with greater knowledge and awareness.

I am guilty of self blame and my ex cheated on me several times and almost knocked me unconcious with a head butt during a rage.

That is not how normal adults behave.

I enabled her crappy behavior and tried to fix it when it wasn't my issue to fix. Her family and friends accepted this as who she was and I became the self righteous a-hole "making her crazy". Nothing like being abused by your loved one... .and then their loved ones.

Nothing is worse than genuinely trying to help someone and you get pegged the perpetrator.

The only thing you have control over in life is yourself.  I've learned there will always be someone waiting to metaphorically beat you up for no reason so why do that to yourself? Self love is hard but I believe if we all thought better of ourselves none of us would be stuck on people who treated us deplorably.  

[Elmurr]

What they show you is who they are.

PrettyWoman, that is a very true statement. And it's scary. Mine seems to live in a "fake self" and when I look back now 90% of her outbursts occurred when her fake self was being rejected or questioned. She was fake through and through, from her boobs to her smile, and this image of perfection is what she had spent her life fabricating in order to conceal the person she really was. Physically she was immaculate, but her personality often showed questionable cracks that everyone else could see through, even me, but because I can evidently be a stupid guy, I internally justified them for hedonistic reasons. Whilst I got glimpses of who she was at points throughout the relationship, it wasn't until the discard, until she didn't care about me anymore, that I actually saw the true her. It was heartbreaking to say the least. Was I an angel, no. Did I deserve what she did, no. But that's probably true of all of us.

For me, mine had to be the victim. That was the only way she could walk away without doubting herself. She told me two months after the discard that it was easier for her to hate me than to regret leaving me, therefore it had to be a fight. She is very confused, and no amount of direction can resolve that.

It is not how normal adults behave, you're right. But it does something strange inside our heads, all the excessive love being instantly replaced by hatred, that makes us question everything about ourselves. Despite the awful behaviour, we still miss them, we still normalise their insane behaviours, and we still find ourselves subconsciously justifying them. How we got to this position psychologically I will never know.

Anyone who respects themselves does not allow the abuse to go on. But there's something strange in us that we all seem to share which permits and even fights for the abuser. And it happens without us even seeing it. Before you know it, you're in too deep.

[Helplessly]

Advanced board comments... .

BPD and "the discard". I think the idea that people with BPD traits suddenly leave relationships is overstated. Many people walk away from relationships. It's estimated that as many as 50% of all singles have been "ghosted" -  the ultimate stinger. This is cultural phenomenon.

When you partner end it suddenly While we often think our partner just went from 60 - 0 over some perceived failing, we are often not seeing the full picture. Relationships (and do) wear down. Often it is a slow process. There is a fight, it is not resolve (interest in relationship weakened). There is another fight, it is not resolved (interest in relationship weakened further). There is another fight, it is not resolved (interest in relationship weakened further). Communication is harder, resentment sets in (interest in relationship weakened further). There is a breakup. Partners get back together (interest in relationship weakened further).

My point is that if we miss or underestimate or are oblivious to our partners slowly waning interest, then it feels like sudden break-up. But a good friend of our partner will often know that the relationship has been sliding for a while. And the waning interest can even go to the point of grieving the lost of the relationship while in the relationship - especially in live-in or long standing relationships.

Easier to leave than to fix This is probably where BPD fits in this "model" - a person with BPD who over experiences emotions, can far more easily get to a point where it is easier to go one to another fantasy than to slog through the repair of a chronically broken relationship.

Impulsiveness This is also where BPD fits in this "model" - a person with BPD can be impulsive and not think about consequences and can create a relationship problem that is too messy to fix. Cheating is one example.

What is ghosting all about? Breaking up is hard and its not fun. If the relationship has any clingy-ness in it, sometimes the partner won't let go. If one person really made a mess (e.g., cheating) it is hard to face the shame and they just wipe the slate clean and move on.

I think the bottomline is that it is not true that they suddenly didn't love us or that they never loved us. It is more realistic that the relationship was devolving and we didn't see it - partially because the other person was trying to resolve things too ad sending mixed signals in the process, and partially we though thing were resolved that were not resolved, and partially because we don't have a clear view into another persons head and we don't always take the time to look for and read the signals.

All of this, regardless of the understanding of the human nature of it, is a killer for the recipient.

It really hurts.

Skip this is enormously relevant.  It helped me a great deal to view my relationship with and without personality disorder tags.  I remember getting a text from my ex where she admitted to intentionally saying things to hurt me so I would hate her.  My stubborn tenacity in attempting to fix the relationship made her feel cornered I'm sure.

Sometimes these are just bad breakups, with or without the "traits."  How many of us just don't want to admit that someone broke our hearts?

[troisette]

My ex used to tell me that he found the easiest method of dealing with failed relationships was to cauterise his feelings for the person.

These included a son, a wife, a long term partner and several romantic relationships.

Yet he constantly referred to all of these relationships, the dynamics,  the people, then and now.

It was evident that there was a mis-match between what he said, what he thought and what he felt.

I'm not sure if he knew that or whether he was able to convince himself that he had cauterised all feeling. It became too bewildering for me, an unsolvable riddle.

[Pretty Woman]

Sometimes it's easier to be something your not rather than deal with the real issues brewing inside of you. By that I mean it's easier to start over with people who have no concept of your baggage, or past indiscretions. This applies to all people, BPD or not. Introspection isn't always easy but if you want a different outcome it's critical.

[Skip]

it's easier to start over with people who have no concept of your baggage, or past indiscretions

Good observations.

They also shed the our baggage and the relationship baggage.

Sometimes it easier to tear down a house and rebuild than fix an old one.

As much as we talk about partners cutting bait to early or unexpectedly - some of us have held on long after the pulse was silent.

[Elmurr]

Good observations.

They also shed the our baggage and the relationship baggage.

Sometimes it easier to tear down a house and rebuild than fix an old one.

As much as we talk about partners cutting bait to early or unexpectedly - some of us have held on long after the pulse was silent.

Good points, but I would say that wanting start afresh is something that is at the forefront of most relationship break downs. Obviously we can only speak from our own experiences but there are consistencies and it seems what's different here is that they maintain the perception of adoration until the day they do it, and then when they do it it's a complete switch and they somehow seem to be able to draw up all of the resentment for bad things during the relationship as if on demand. The switch from "love" to hate is a consistent trait. It's also often unprovoked. The need to hate appears to be at the heart of a borderline discard. Does anyone ever get left amicably by a borderline? Is that ever the case?

[Skip]

they [pwBPD traits] maintain the perception of adoration until the day they do it [end the relationship], and then when they do it it's a complete switch and they somehow seem to be able to draw up all of the resentment for bad things during the relationship as if on demand. The switch from "love" to hate is a consistent trait. It's also often unprovoked. The need to hate appears to be at the heart of a borderline discard.

Elmurr, we are all looking for answers and one thing is for sure, our understanding changes and evolves as we get further away from the break-up crisis and the more we learn more about human nature and the dysfunctions of personality disorders and styles. You might want to take a little more time before locking down on hard conclusions of what happened. It's very complicated. Your perspective on this will bounce from one theory to another theory as you work through your grief.

I don't doubt for a minute that your narrative (above) is being accurate to how it felt at the time of the breakup. I don't doubt that others, including myself, have felt parts of this, too. But many of us make inaccurate assessments early on because of the emotion and the complexity of what was actually going on with the other person. How it feels or looks to us is not necessarily what is going on with our partner. People are hard to read - especially when they are emotional or struggling.

Your first post suggested that all breakups are about the person with BPD doing something shameful and then shifting the blame on their partner. That is certainly one possible scenario and it is discussed in the posts above. But its rare that this occurs at the same time as idealization. The relationship is usually devolving when problems like this arise and there is a lot of push/pull, ups and downs, etc.

In your second and third posts you mention that you partner switched from love and adoration to hate in 5 days for no reason and she loved doing it. You also speculate the opposite could be true, that she could have detached emotionally months before the breakup and faked loving you just to make it as painful as possible. These are almost polar extremes. I suspect that neither is not an accurate perspective on what was going on in her thoughts and heart.

Last, the concept of flipping from love to hate and discarding doesn't line up with all the recycling we see in these relationships where there are multiple break ups and reunions. 90% of the members experiences multiple break-ups?


                  Break-up/make-up cycles



              Single break-up (no recycles) is 10%
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215

Does anyone ever get left amicably by a borderline? Is that ever the case?

Of course. We have many cases here. And there are many cases when our member is actually the one to end it, call it quits.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=39279

Hang in there, Elmurr.

[ScotisGone74]

My take is that for many with BPD they don't necessarily switch from love to hate in the discard, but rather switch from 'love' of us folks to someone new, that 'love' being infatuation in most all cases, then they have to construe a story or idea of why they had to find this new partner and the shame kicks in and we have to become demonized in their mind for their new fantasy to play out correctly.   So I don't think they switch from love to hate over night, but they do so when they have to play out their fairy tale ideas, when it suits them to spin the narrative .   With each new fairy tale story and discard though I do believe the baggage adds up and eventually takes a toll on them.   

[findingmyselfagain]

If I look at my r/s from a 15,000 ft view then I could say she left me as amicably as she could. In our last conversations she admitted to having extreme insecurity and she acknowledged that it wasn't fair to me. What seemed like something sudden to me, may not have been the same with her. We spent a long holiday weekend together that seemed to have genuinely nice moments and then the next was our wedding shower. It also seemed nice. She destroyed the r:s just after that. Was it malicious? It felt like it to me, but it was how she is and will be until she's able to overcome herself. Her two marriages each ended after less than 2 yrs and she had been with who knows how many. I should have been more careful, but love and wisdom don't often go together.


I'd never want to talk to her again unless I knew she did the work she needed to. It's sad but I believe in some level she recognized I would not have been happy with the ups and downs I'd have to deal with. Why invite something so risky back into my life, with my nice wife and new baby? It's taken me years to get to this point. I was only with my ex for about 9 months but it sunk me to new lows for a long time. Recovery is a unique journey for each of us.

[SummerStorm]

In terms of whether or not people get left amicably, I would definitely say it varies from relationship to relationship and maybe even more so from pwBPD to pwBPD.  Remember that they often fall into a "comfortable" pattern that keeps repeating.  My BPD friend doesn't end anything well.  For her, I do think it's easier for her to feel like the victim. 

They can't be alone, so they often see other people as a way to prevent them from being alone, and as long as they have an endless supply of people, I don't think it really matters who the people are.  And if they don't have anyone at that moment, they hold on until someone does come along.   Back in May, my friend's boyfriend broke up with her.  She was depressed, didn't want it to be over, etc.  That was on a Thursday morning.  A few hours after that, she was celebrating a promotion at work, and by the next night, she was cutting her hair and going out with friends.  A week later, she was with another guy.  When that didn't work out, she hopped right back to her friends and spent every waking moment with them.  Then, there was another guy.  That didn't work out, so she went back to her friends, including people she hadn't hung out with in months and some new girl I'd never even seen before.  Eventually, she convinced the guy from May to give her another chance, and as far as I know, they're still together.  The point is, there wasn't one second where she wasn't with someone, whether it was a long-time friend, a random new friend, a random guy, or an ex-boyfriend.  Pretty much all of her friends are people she works with, so when she's single and has the day off, she goes to work and "hangs out" with them.  Last summer, her boyfriend at the time went into rehab.  She rounded up every friend she could find and hung out with them, not because she missed them or because she was upset about him being in rehab, but because she can't stand to be alone.  They broke up not long after that, and she almost didn't go to a comedy show in NYC that they had gotten tickets for.  She could have just gone alone--it was a dream of hers to see these guys in person--but instead asked everyone to go with her until a guy she barely knew agreed to go.  It's all about attachment and having someone, so I think it's easy for them to detach from an individual when they know they won't be alone if they detach because they have other people.

[Lost-love-mind]

I totally relate to the BPD detachment. My exBPD told me she waited over a year to file for divorce from her 2d ex husband that cheated on her and verbally (if not physically) abused her. She used the excuse "out of sight, out of mind" after he moved out. I looked up county divorce records just to verify the divorce was final. Last thing I needed was a hubby coming back while I'm ----. Well you get it.
Ok she was divorced, but after the breakup and her accusations of my narcissistic behavior, ( I scored 11 twice on the npd test) she was projecting a lot of repressed anger from that ex hubby.
Hope my replacement has better luck living through the projection of old anger.

[JustNeedToTalk]

The devaluation phase is about shifting blame. From my experience only, the process seems to be:

• BPD does something that triggers shame (cheats, lies etc), or they just want to leave the relationship.
• The BPD can't then admit to the shameful act and break up with the non as this would enforce their shame and remove them from the position of the victim.
• Subsequently, they push/bait the non to react badly. They eventually do react.
• The BPD then feels redeemed for the shaming act which is now unimportant.
• The BPD then feels entitled to discard the non and blame them for ruining the relationship.
• Knowing they are the victim, the BPD then walks away, completely detached emotionally and never looks back again at their abusive partner.
• The non is left traumatised and completely confused, and left asking themselves if they were the abusive one.
• The BPD then tells the new guy how abusive her ex was, and the process starts again.

It seems to be largely about maintaining the position of the victim, and preserving the self, albeit by deceptive and devious means.

Is the process of the BPD discard all a well practiced defence mechanism focused on shame avoidance and preservation of their internal view of perfection, and the external view of them as the victim?

I came across this post.  I know it is old.  But it is EXACTLY what happened to me.  I am astounded.  I just wanted to share.