Afraid a friend is going through a similar situation

[prof]

A good friend/colleague of mine was engaged to a woman when I first met him about three years ago.  They got married the following summer.  I've never actually met her (he lives an hour from where we work), but I feel like I've gotten a pretty decent picture of their relationship based on his actions and things he's said.  And it seems eerily similar to my own.

In particular,

• He almost always leaves work as early as he possibly can.
• They have two dogs, and they spend a great deal of effort making sure the dogs are not home alone.  They plan their work schedules to minimize the time needed for a dog sitter.  (Maybe this is normal, but I leave my dog home alone every day while I'm at work... .)  Although he's never said this, I've always got the impression based on how he talks about his dogs that she's the one that is in charge of all these sorts of decisions.
• He said that leading up to their wedding, she and his mother fought frequently about the details of the wedding.
• He's not allowed to store his comic book collection in their home and must rent a storage facility.
• She has threatened to shave him while he sleeps if he grows facial hair.
• When giving me a ride home the other day after some car trouble, he made sure to use his phone for navigation.  Apparently, she regularly checks his Google Maps history to see where he's been.  "It's a long story," he said.

I've had concerns that his relationship might be similar to mine almost since I started hearing about it.  But this last thing, which happened just a few days ago, really freaked me out.  Even my uBPDstbxw never got that paranoid.

So here are my questions:

• Is this even my business?  Should I just move along and let him deal with his own problems?
• Could I just be painting their relationship based on my own?  Every marriage has issues, and I've definitely picked up on other couples' issues more since I started having my own.  Usually, this is more along the lines of the wife rolling their eyes when the husband says something dorky.  But my friend and his wife seem more extreme.  If he's letting me see this much, I can only imagine what must really be going on.
• If I should do something, then what should I do?  Sit him down and express my concerns?  Offer him someone to talk to?  A couch to crash on if he needs it?

This isn't entirely selfless.  His wife is in grad school right now, and he's already talking about looking for a new job in 2-3 years when she graduates so they can find jobs at the same college or at nearby colleges.  (The classic "two-body problem" that academic couples face.)  And I'll very likely be the one stuck with figuring out what to do without him.

Any thoughts?

[Mutt]

Hi prof,

If I think about my romantic r/s's it's between my SO and me there may be outside influences that try to point out where the soft spots are in my r/s but it's still between the two of us. I can that your a good and concerned friend and that you want to help him, personally if someone told me something about my r/s I don't know if I would listen, no offence to you. If I approached a family member or friend about r/s's issue then I'd be receptive to it. I suggest that you wait until he comes to you for help.

[Turkish]

You know these things because he told you.  Why do you think he told you?

You can practice your validation skills on him.  Draw him out.  Get him to tell you what he  thinks.

The GPS demand actually falls under the rubric of domestic abuse.

[icky]

You can practice your validation skills on him.  Draw him out.  Get him to tell you what he  thinks.

I think this is the only *helpful* thing you can do at this stage.

None of us would have wanted someone to step in and tell us "You're going through a BPD relationship, your partner has BPD" - at least not until the final stages. We would've resented it and told the person to mind their own business.

Use validation skills. Tell him "Ooh, this is reminding me of a situation I recently went through" without going into all of the gory details. Let him lead the conversation and follow where it goes.

And then be there patiently and kindly "ready to catch him" when he falls.

I am 99% sure he will resent you "butting in" if you tried to take action to "protect" him while he is still in the early stages of this.

[once removed]

Could I just be painting their relationship based on my own?

its possible, or it may be part of it. its thoughtful of you to consider that.

This isn't entirely selfless.
... .
I'll very likely be the one stuck with figuring out what to do without him.

this too. ive been kind of hung up in the past on aspects of my friends relationships, and my friends behavior. usually there are a few components, and that has tended to be one of them. part of it is out of loyalty, and genuinely wanting better for my friends. and part of it has been projecting what *I* want for my friends.

i agree every marriage has issues. and what makes a relationship between two people work (or not) is personal and unique.

i think youve gotten good advice on how to handle it.

[Insom]

Hi, prof.   

You've gotten some great advice about listening here. It sounds like you care a lot about your friend.  I can relate very much to what it feels like to feel involved or invested in another person's life decisions.  FWIW, when I start to feel invested in how a friend is handling a particular situation, I view it as a signal that there is something going on with me that requires some introspection. 

His wife is in grad school right now, and he's already talking about looking for a new job in 2-3 years when she graduates so they can find jobs at the same college or at nearby colleges.  (The classic "two-body problem" that academic couples face.)  And I'll very likely be the one stuck with figuring out what to do without him.

It sounds like you're anticipating losing a good friend.  Would you like to say more about what being "stuck" feels like?  In what way does the prospect of your friend leaving make you "the one stuck?"

[Mutt]

Hi prof,

Thoughts?

[valet]

eh, if i was in your position i wouldn't be the one to start the conversation. i've been in the position before where i've seen friends get caught up with people that i felt really threw out red flag after red flag, and whenever i've tried to give any unsolicited opinions it never really worked out. some of these friends i lost, some i just realized i didn't like all that much, and others found their way through, but its better for everyone to let them discover these things on their own and work through them individually. they need to learn to identify problems just as we have and do

if your friend opens up, go for it. i don't see why you shouldn't be able to offer advice. but it seems like he's doing just fine now. maybe he'll need you later. that's not up to you to decide though

[prof]

Thanks everyone for the advice!

As much as I feel the urge to run into his office and scream, "Wow! Get out now!", I think I'll wait, listen, validate, and see what happens.

[Turkish]

I'm kind of going through this with a former teen (now 26) with a kid I used to mentor.  His ex is likely BPD. The program coordinator contacted me 3 years ago to tell me the situation going down on social media (her crazy allegations of DV, a Gofundme page she put up with pics of bruises he caused and a story about a stolen passport, All BS ). He got back with her.  Then a child.  I pointed him here,  but he never joined.  Before the child, I mentioned BPD. He wasn't open to hearing that,  even though he was devastating at the time by her smears. Beers with him on my back porch soothed him,  but he still chose to be with her.  I let him make his choice. What else could I do?

She's currently keeping their little girl from him,  trying to extort CS with no custody order.  I feel badly, but now,  as back then,  I listen and offer advice,  but stay away from the BPD angle.  He still loves her even though she got him sent to jail for 3 months  

[valet]

Thanks everyone for the advice!

As much as I feel the urge to run into his office and scream, "Wow! Get out now!", I think I'll wait, listen, validate, and see what happens.

i think that's a good idea prof. and you might learn a thing or two about yourself by trying to understand your own impulse to intervene in these situations.