Do I talk to her about her condition, or avoid it all together?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I have been married for 33 years and just discovered a few things about our relationship which has been rocky from the start.  After reading "Stop walking on eggshells" I realized my spouse has BPD.  I did not make this diagnosis of course, but my therapist (who knows my spouse) agreed this is the case.  
I recently read "The human magnet syndrome" by Ross Rosenberg and learned a lot about myself.  According to Rosenberg I have traits of codependency which does not surprise me.  What surprised me was the extent at which it had shaped my dependence on my spouse and kept me from growing.

A few weeks ago, my spouse moved out which is very unlike her.  This separation is scheduled for one year.  I'm OK with being alone.  I am taking this time to reflect introspectively and set a new course for myself.  Since we are still communicating, albeit much less than before, I have questions surrounding interaction with my spouse.

Do I talk to her about her condition?  or avoid it all together?
How do you know when it's the right time to discuss getting help?
I would rather see our relationship healed than end... .but I have decided not to get back together if she does not get help.  When do I tell her this?  I'm in no rush to make changes to our relationship only myself.

My first time on a site like this.  Guess I'll see what happens next.
Passin Thru

[passin thru]

Hello,
I have been married for 33 years and just discovered a few things about our relationship which has been rocky from the start.  After reading "Stop walking on eggshells" I realized my spouse has BPD.  I did not make this diagnosis of course, but my therapist (who knows my spouse) agreed this is the case.  
I recently read "The human magnet syndrome" by Ross Rosenberg and learned a lot about myself.  According to Rosenberg I have traits of codependency which does not surprise me.  What surprised me was the extent at which it had shaped my dependence on my spouse and kept me from growing.

A few weeks ago, my spouse moved out which is very unlike her.  This separation is scheduled for one year.  I'm OK with being alone.  I am taking this time to reflect introspectively and set a new course for myself.  Since we are still communicating, albeit much less than before, I have questions surrounding interaction with my spouse.

Do I talk to her about her condition?  or avoid it all together?
How do you know when it's the right time to discuss getting help?
I would rather see our relationship healed than end... .but I have decided not to get back together if she does not get help.  When do I tell her this?  I'm in no rush to make changes to our relationship only myself.

My first time on a site like this.  Guess I'll see what happens next.
Passin Thru

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi passin thru,


   
I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decioded to join us but I'm sad for the circumstances that led you here, I'm sorry to hear that you're seperated.
   
It's recommended that instead of trying to invoke change in someone else something that we can't control because we can only control ourselves. The change has to come from us when we change how we interact with others it changes everything.
   
Think about it this way this, imagine that the reality that you know was influenced by your environment, family when you were young and you grew into this reality not realizing that it's distorted you don't have anything else to compare it with, you can't compare it with someone that has healthy mental health.
   
To your question I supposed if you tried to bring up the subject in a non direct way I would suggest that she gets checked for depression from an MD or GP is she being treated for depression? Most pwBPD have depression, depression is something that we don't think much about because it's something that's become normal in the public eye not present BPD to the public eye and the reaction is very different, there's a lot of fear from people that don't understand what BPD is. The point is to suggest to her that she might be depressed and hopefully she doesn't feel ashamed with and that would encourage to seek help. Thoughts?

[isilme]

I never mention BPD to my H as something I think he has.  The stigma and potential for him to see it as blame is far too high for me to feel there is any benefit to it.  The label of BPD helps ME, as it tells me what tools work better for communicating with him, how he "might" be interpreting things, and so on. 

I DO talk to him about depression and anxiety.  he freely admits to having these, so while I know the BPD is a factor in the two, I can say, "is your depression making you feel down today?"  "Is your anxiety making you on edge?  It feels like you want a fight?"  Things like that seem okay.

If you have a therapist, I'd really just ask them about it.  They are "in the trenches" there with you and can gauge how well it might be received, and what may work as far as encouraging help. 

[Speck]

Welcome, passin thru!



I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion forums. From what you've written, you and I (and many others here) have a lot in common. First, we have the "light bulb" moment when we first find out about BPD - and it explains so much. Then, we reach out to others for support, as you have. So, welcome, you're in the right place.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I have questions surrounding interaction with my spouse:

Do I talk to her about her condition?  or avoid it all together?

If your wife does not yet know that she may suffer from BPD, I agree with Mutt and isilme, it is not best practice to "armchair diagnose" our spouses by suggesting they have a stigmatizing disorder such as BPD. Since you are now undergoing a termed one-year separation, the idea here is to separate with each individual working on his/her "stuff." You may be more successful in getting her into therapy by making it a condition for reconciliation.

How do you know when it's the right time to discuss getting help?

In my opinion, both of you would benefit from individual counseling. So, the right time to be talking about getting help (for both of you) would be now. If your wife starts talking to you about her own conclusion that she may have BPD, then it's fair game regarding that particular issue.

I would rather see our relationship healed than end... .but I have decided not to get back together if she does not get help. When do I tell her this?

I understand you're not wanting to see this relationship end, and it's noble for you to give your marriage any shot of success. Most likely, in addition to marriage counseling, both of you will need individual counseling in order for this to be possible. If at any point during your separation your wife wants to reconcile, again, you can suggest that she gets individual therapy a firm condition for reconciliation. If she's not interested in individual therapy, then you'll know your answer and can, therefore, proceed according to your values.

I'm in no rush to make changes to our relationship only myself.

Well, the only thing/entity in this relationship that you can actually change is YOU. The more you know how to do that, the better. We can help.

I know you are here by way of sorrow, but I just want you to know that you are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone. Please let us know how best to support you. Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Hang in there.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning.


-Speck