Trying to BPD proof my birthday trip

[Lady Itone]

BPDgf lives 5 hours away in a group home/halfway house. We haven't seen each other in person since mid-Feb, so 2 1/2 months. I'm doing well with this low-contact, long-distance relationship, definitely more peaceful and focused than before she went away, when we were always breaking up and making up dramatically.

Soon, she might transfer to a better group home in my city. I'm glad for her because she'll be able to get more personal attention, her own room, and  it'll be easier for her to finish her degree in this location. Of course, I'm a little anxious for me--

Anyway, I promised her awhile back I'd spend my birthday with her. She hoped I'd do a "staycation" because she's "homesick" for my house (which she's trashed in a rage before.) I decided I feel more comfortable in neutral territory this time around, and it's MY birthday.

I didn't want to go to where she lives, which is pretty much just bars and restaurants. I wanted some nature. So, we agreed to meet somewhere not far from her where I can go to a National Park I've never been to. I got a room in a cheap hotel so I could afford it without help from her, but told her she needs to pay for her own transportation, meals, fun, etc... I told her--and I meant it--I don't need or expect presents, I just want to spend some time with her. Ok, so far so good.

I've planned one excursion that's for me alone. I invited her but it was too expensive for her and it involves hiking and birding in the Nat'l park--not really her thing, totally mine. I made it clear I'm very excited about that excursion, already paid for it, it's non-negotiable, really the one thing I want to do there, and she'll have to entertain herself that day. She says ok, she'll spend the day at the beach.

Just in case she freaks out and doesn't show up, or leaves in a huff, I've researched fun things in the area I can do by myself. So I will try to enjoy myself no matter what.

There's one thing she's keen to do that I'm not interested in, that's spending time with her "cel-lesbian" (celebrity-lesbians) friends who own a hip restaurant in that city. I like them, but it's a long, expensive Uber ride to their corner of town from our hotel, and honestly, I feel embarrassed, because last time we talked to them, gf had landed in the hospital in that area with a psychotic episode and I was trying to find her a place to stay for a night or two after she got out, until someone could go get her and bring her back home. I barely knew these women, but felt compelled to ask them for favors on her behalf. 

I'm excited to see my beautiful woman, I miss her, but I have so much anxiety surrounding this woman and this relationship, as you all understand. So much can go wrong.

I guess I just want you guys to wish me luck, and to let me know if you see any glaringly obvious pitfalls on the horizon I'm missing. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi Lady Itone,

There's one thing she's keen to do that I'm not interested in, that's spending time with her "cel-lesbian" (celebrity-lesbians) friends who own a hip restaurant in that city. I like them, but it's a long, expensive Uber ride to their corner of town from our hotel, and honestly, I feel embarrassed, because last time we talked to them, gf had landed in the hospital in that area with a psychotic episode and I was trying to find her a place to stay for a night or two after she got out, until someone could go get her and bring her back home. I barely knew these women, but felt compelled to ask them for favors on her behalf. 

That sounds like a fun birthday. I can see how it would be awkward to see her friends because you were put in a tough spot, your BPDgf should be embarrassed for her actions and putting you into that position. Can her friends meet you halfway in the town to cut down on the expense?

[Radcliff]

That's excellent that you'll be going to a national park!  Your plan sounds good.  Bravo for you to take a day for yourself and draw a boundary around it.  In situations like this, where there was an important goal like your day in the park, and a lot of dysregulation that could happen around it, I got it set in my mind that I'd be jubilant if I had that day in the park, and would mark it as a good memory, regardless of the drama that might occur before or after.  Look at it as a hard hike that happens to and from a beautiful summit view.  That sort of reframing can help reduce the anxiety.  You are choosing to work hard and deal with difficulty, and if the "hike" ends up easier than you thought, then great!

Regarding the cel-lesbian friends, first, thanks for teaching me a new word    I have col-lesbians (lesbian colleagues, I just made that up  ) but none are celebrities!  I feel so 20th century.  OK, back to the matter at hand.  Is that something that you can be flexible on?  Even in a "non" relationship, being OK with you spending the day alone on a short vacation is a super nice thing for an SO to do.  Can you see yourself through to seeing the friends for her?  Can you put a constraint on it that might keep you from getting too worn out, like returning to the hotel by a certain time?

Finally, these situations are where Tattered Heart is a real pro.  She reminds her H of whatever event is coming up, in a matter-of-fact, low-key way, several times as the date approaches.  She'll validate his emotions, reassure him that she'll miss him, plan something nice to do when they reunite, etc.  This seems to work pretty well for her.

WW

[Lady Itone]

Thanks for the replies guys! Right now I'm waiting for the shuttle to my tour in the Nat'l park so stoked!

Things with BPDgf have been a mixed bag. First of all she's terrifyingly skinny, drastic weight loss since I saw her 2 1/2 months ago. She says her doctors haven't said anything to her about it. She's eating in front of me at least.

Worse, she brought drugs with her, something she calls crystal she says not meth but amphetamines I don't know. I freaked when I saw it, became very anxious and upset.

We got in a fight yesterday after getting lost on rental bikes, at which point she announced she is broke with still a day and a half left of the trip and no fare home. I was half ready to send her home right then but she dysregulated hard and I decided it would be too much drama.

I spoke hard truths too her last night. That I do not want poverty and sickness in my life. That I'm more happy and peaceful when she's not around, and I am dissapointed in myself that I keep coming back. I told her honestly at this point I see me pushing her further and further away until it ends. She said she'd rather I do it that way then just dissapear. I said I'd always care about her and have her back but... .

Harsh, but honest. Ok I'm off!

[SunandMoon]

 Hi Lady Itone

It's good to hear that you did go ahead with your birthday trip and I hope you've really enjoyed your national park tour today!

Sorry to hear that it hasn't gone smoothly but I think you already expected that. It's a shame she brought drugs with her... .that must be so disappointing and annoying, especially given her past aderall abuse. It's sad that she can't just enjoy your time together without wanting to get wasted.

It's understandable that you spoke some hard truths to her. You were clear with her about expenses and finding out she's broke is annoying, on top of everything else. Does it make her seem a bit hopeless to you? She doesn't seem to have made much progress at the group home, unfortunately.

I don't have any answers really. Just wanted to reach out and say "happy birthday!" and that I hope the last day is a happier one!

[Lady Itone]

Does it make her seem a bit hopeless to you? She doesn't seem to have made much progress at the group home, unfortunately.

Hopeless indeed. And last night she made it sound as if she's on the verge of getting kicked out if she has another drug induced attack of mania. I told her how dissapointed I am, that I see no improvement. I hate to give up on her, but I'm having a hard time recognizing the sweet Amazon I fell for a few years back. We leave tomorrow. I am not sure if I'll want to see her again, sadly.

I had an amazing day today no matter what happens tonight or tomorrow morning. And I thank you all very much for helping me through it.

[Radcliff]

I'm glad you had a great day in the park!  Keep us posted on how things are going for you.

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi LadyItone,

Wishing you a belated happy birthday! Did your planning make a difference? How are you feeling after this big weekend?

warmly, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

Glad to hear your trip was not exceedingly high drama!

Also, I hear that she has some unrealistic expectations and some big hopes that may not match up with her efforts. I wonder if you use the tool of validation with her to find that balance between letting her express her feelings and hopes and you also being realistic and offering your honest opinions with her?

take care, pearl.

[SunandMoon]

I'm glad your planning paid off, Lady Itone, and you got to do your National Park trip.

And, while there was some minor drama and annoyance, nothing major. She must have been pretty worried about how it would go, too. Did you end up visiting the cel-lesbian friends?

... .I told her honestly at this point I see me pushing her further and further away until it ends. She said she'd rather I do it that way then just dissapear.

For some reason, this makes me feel really sad for her. Like she knows she's going to lose you and she feels powerless to do anything about it. Like life happens to her and she doesn't expect anything to get better.

I wish there were better resources to help her. She just seems to be stagnating in the group home she's in now.

Strength to you, Lady Itone - as you say,  there's lot to process here... .

[Lady Itone]

She must have been pretty worried about how it would go, too. Did you end up visiting the cel-lesbian friends?

I wish there were better resources to help her. She just seems to be stagnating in the group home she's in now.

Thanks for the compassion for us both.

Since she ran out of money going to her friends became a non issue. I wasn't going to pay to get us there and she wasn't motivated enough to arrange seeing them on her own.

It is sad she's stagnating but it doesn't have to be that way she could be taking classes if she could figure out the busses. She could be going to more group sessions and getting support and feedback. Instead she's fixating on finding a dr to prescribe adderall and making bad art on her tablet all day.

I do hope she does what she needs to do to get trsnsferred to what looks like a better home in my smaller city.

Sadly I felt I had to block her from messaging me last night after she blew up my phone "needing" to talk because she's nervous about a drs appointment. I told her I was busy but she would't stop. I'm still emotionally drained from the trip, returned to a lot of work, and just could't deal.