Ex Husband is spiraling and may become homeless - heart is breaking for our kids

[Adastra]

Hi there,

I haven't posted for almost a year - my husband (undiagnosed BPD, definite complex trauma) and I separated more than a year ago and the divorce is almost final. We have a 7 yo and 2 yo together.

I have been doing really, really well since our split. I've had renewed energy to focus on my children, on my friends, on my music, and on my job. Since I had been supporting our entire family for quite some time I haven't felt a huge financial shift since the split even though I pay for almost everything having to do with the kids - if anything I've felt better-off financially. I started dating again and have a boyfriend who is kind, warm, optimistic, loving, and has a career that he's passionate about and successful at.

At the same time my ex and I broke up he shut down the business he had driven into the ground and he got a job as a dishwasher in a restaurant. He held that job for the past year (which is a record for the 10 years we had been together), and he has been living with his sister, her husband, and her four kids. It hasn't sounded comfortable, but I knew at least that my kids were in a good environment the three nights a week that they stay with him.

For almost the entire past year he treated me like a horrible enemy. Then, I got laid off a couple of months ago (I got a new job after about a month) and he suddenly started treating me with some kindness and humanity - which I've appreciated and welcomed (albeit warily).

However, I had a sense that part of the reason he was treating me with more friendliness is that he was redirecting a lot of the vitriol towards his sister. That's basically been confirmed - she called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that she's kicking him out because he reminds her of their (abusive, horrible) father and because he doesn't respect her or her house, etc. She also told me that she hadn't seen him going to work.

Since then I've asked him a couple of times if his schedule has changed or if he's not working, and he said that nothing has changed.

His sister just called me to tell me that her husband confronted my ex and my ex finally admitted that he's not working. He apparently gave notice thinking he'd be able to easily get a new restaurant job, but he's still looking (not sure how long it's been since he worked - maybe 3 weeks).

So what I know is that he has no job, is about to get kicked out of his sister's house... .and apparently his car is about to die.

When we split up we sold our house and divided the proceeds. I don't think he saved any of his portion.

I feel so... .stressed out. I resent worrying about him - at the same time I'm relieved that we're no longer married. BUT he's my kids' father. I can see that my 7 yo is worried about him and senses his fragility. She's been talking to me a lot recently about the divorce, but apparently she doesn't ever mention it to him.

Is he going to end up homeless? Has he burned every last bridge in this town? I don't think he has many friends any more, if any. How can I explain to my kids why their dad is struggling? Especially when he's not being honest with me about what is going on?

I don't think he wants my help, and I can't really afford to give it. But of course I remember the love I used to have for him - I have known him since we were teenagers, and we were together for 10 years - and I want him to be healthy for the kids.

Selfishly, I'm thinking - do I need to prepare to be a full-time single parent? I miss my kids with every fiber of my being the nights that they are with him, but I also need some time for myself to move my life forward.

I know there aren't really answers out there, and that maybe it won't be as bad as I"m afraid it will be. My biggest fear is that he'll hit rock bottom and that it still won't be enough to force him to get the help he needs to get healthy.

Thanks for reading.

[Mutt]

Hi Adastra,



Im happy that you decided to come back to the family - welcome back. I’m also sorry for the circumstances that led you back here.

So what I know is that he has no job, is about to get kicked out of his sister's house... .and apparently his car is about to die.

It’s complicated. I used to work in the service industry as a cook, I worked as a dishwasher too people need to eat you’re never starving and there’s always a job min a restaurant. He’ll find something soon.

You’ll here this on the site I’m not taking credit for it a pwBPD if they get help it’s when they’re backed into a corner a rock bottom is different for everyone. I know that it pulls at the heart strings watching your kids dad go through this you never know this could be the catalyst for change for him.

[Speck]

Hello, Adastra!

 

Please allow me to join Mutt in welcoming you back to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

So, again, welcome back!

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Is he going to end up homeless? Has he burned every last bridge in this town? I don't think he has many friends anymore, if any.

Your stbxh certainly seems to be in a dysregulated phase right now. He may, indeed, reach rock bottom, and as Mutt says allow that to be a catalyst for change. There's no way to know now how this will play out for your husband, but, like you, I'm hoping for the best,

How can I explain to my kids why their dad is struggling? Especially when he's not being honest with me about what is going on?

I'd just focus on answering their questions in an age-appropriate manner.

Selfishly, I'm thinking - do I need to prepare to be a full-time single parent? I miss my kids with every fiber of my being the nights that they are with him, but I also need some time for myself to move my life forward.

This may be the case. I hear your dismay at the prospect, however. 

I know you are here by way of sorrow, but I just want you to know that you are among peers, friend. Unfortunately, there are legions of us! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.


I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Ex2BPD]

Is he going to end up homeless? Has he burned every last bridge in this town?

Dear Adastra,

This is the situation that I am in with a mBPD that I spent 7 months falling head-over-heels in love with.

By the time I realized that, in affect, I was paying to be verbally abused while at the same time tossing MY money into his insatiable need-bucket, he broke up with me for interrupting him/chiming in/ while he was talking (manic talker, so when IS a good time to chime in

A high-end musician in the past, he hadn't booked a gig in months so we were living off my income.

One of the major changes in my routine after (I waited for it... .bound to happen) he broke up with me; was implementing (1) No Contact; and (2) Having a guy-buddy PRE-read the message that DID make their way to me (wily character changed his phone number; used PayPal messaging -- Anything to let me know what a "whore" I was for interrupting his words and thus spawning an anxiety attack.) 

Since, because of your children you can't go completely NC - I would recommend Talking Parents with a stipulation that the topics be ONLY about the children's needs.

He - like my exBPD - may indeed become homeless.  It's a true heartbreaker. I do NOT know who else will float my-Ex's needs ... .UNLESS he finds a fresh face.


The guilt and worry from watching this impending train wreck? 

For me: I have a therapist, visit This board a couple times a day for moral support; and write the words, "Freedom!" on my white board in fresh ink every morning.

You'll read in literature the reality, "They got along Before they met You... ."  Yep! It's hard for a co-dependent like myself to process this reality... .But my ex-BPD admitted that he was homeless in Atlanta busking for dinner before he established what became a nationally-known band. 

"Surviving" (sad, though it is to suffer from BPD) is precisely what they do. 

Take care of Yourself first, obviously your two children second, and mirror (or muster) as much Happiness as you can from Life's little Joys.

Wishing you good things,

[Speck]

Hello again, Adastra:

How are things going for you today?

We are here if you need to talk.


-Speck