I don't want to leave

[Ohm]

I don't even know where to start.

Last night I broke up with the love of my life and mother of my daughter because she has BPD that has never been treated and I could no longer withstand the consistent pattern of abusive behavior. I feel so awful. I was so hopeful for so long that she could get treatment and we could work this out. I called so many mental health professionals and tried to set up appointments for her but she never went, always ghosted their callbacks, and has continued to be this completely erratic and loving and hateful person.

We have an 11 month old baby girl together. She's perfect. I moved my whole life from a big NE city to a small town in the South 2 years ago so that we can be a family and have our baby together near her parents/support group. Now here I am in this big empty house where I work from home and feeling pretty sorry for myself. Feeling a little trapped and also just pure anguish over leaving this woman.

The abuse was real. I could give examples but I'm not really here to convince anyone of anything. I just need help trying to figure out the next steps because this is all very very scary.

Should I get a lawyer? Am I crazy for holding out some hope that she'll one day get help and find better ways to manage herself so that we could maybe together? God I hate this. We were going to go to Disneyworld next month... .

Any advice is much appreciated. I think I'll take a mental health day off of work myself because I don't seem too capable of anything other than crying into my keyboard.

Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Ohm,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can understand how stressful it is for you to have to make a decision to hire an L or not, you probably have a lot of thoughts on your mind, maybe you feel guilt because of your baby girl and not being able to keep the family intact.

I'm glad that you decided to join us it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you'll find that you fit right in here, you're not alone.

What behaviours does she exhibit that makes you feel like she has BPD? What happened did you have a disagreement? Hang in there.

[Ohm]

Hi Ohm,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can understand how stressful it is for you to have to make a decision to hire an L or not, you probably have a lot of thoughts on your mind, maybe you feel guilt because of your baby girl and not being able to keep the family intact.

I'm glad that you decided to join us it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you'll find that you fit right in here, you're not alone.

What behaviours does she exhibit that makes you feel like she has BPD? What happened did you have a disagreement? Hang in there.

Thank you for the warm welcome. Yes I feel incredibly guilty for hurting this girl and for not being able to keep the family intact.
As far as what behaviors she exhbits - it's pretty much standard textbook BPD from everything I've read and heard. I didn't even know BPD was a thing until 6 months ago when she mentioned, after calming down from a fight the night before, that a previous BF of hers thinks she has BPD and she always kinda thought she might. I then looked into it... .pretty obsessively (I'm a researcher and addict so once I dig I don't stop until I get to the bottom)... .and yeah, she has never been diagnosed because she hasn't seen a therapist but she's a poster-child for BPD:

• Feels things overly intensely
• can't regulate emotions
• acts in ways that seem very extreme
• incredibly low self-esteam
• I basically walk on eggshells all day everyday
• One minute everything is totally fine and we're laughing and telling jokes and cuddling and instantly a switch flips in her face because of something I did or didn't do or did or didn't say "correctly" and all hell breaks loose. Seriously, she can go from cuddle-laughter to full blown tears and hateful abusive screaming almost instantaneously
• I spent much of the beginning of our relationship apologizing to her for TONS of things I never knew I did... .basically, she's incredibly sensitive and I thought I was this loud ass who was just hurting her all the time and I felt awful about it... .until I read about BPD and realized that I'm not crazy and I'm not hurtful and I don't need to apologize for stepping on eggshells that shouldn't exist.
• One recent example of abuse: Saturday we had an awesome day. Hiked in the woods, cooked a gourmet dinner, watched a good movie, and we were falling asleep on the couch around midnight because I was up with the baby the night before so didn't have much energy left. She tried to get frisky and I told her I wasn't feeling too sexy and was dirty and just wanted to sleep soon. She pushed away from cuddling, 30 seconds later was up in bed - ghosting me... .I thought that was that and went to look at the computer for a minute. She then comes downstairs all dressed up and putting on make-up and says that if I won't play with her tonight then she's going to a bar. I calmly explained how the situation looked. She exploded again... .walked outside and told me later that she just sat in her car instead of going to a bar. Seriously, we had an amazing day and night and then instantly it turns into this threat of cheating on me? that's one recent example but honestly this kind of erratic behavior occurs regularly

We are a difficult match - I am naturally an boisterous and irreverent individual who finds humor in everything, and she is an incredibly sensitive person who gets offended by everything. I love her to death but I just don't think we can be together unless she is actively working on herself.

[Ohm]

I may just keep building on this thread as I have time. It feels good to type this out.

Similar to many of the situations on this site, our relationship didn't start in the most healthy way.
We met on the internet and quickly realized that we had almost everything in common - we both sort of lived on the internet and had a lot of interconnected media spheres. Watched the same stupid anime shows, played the same games, same fantasies (maybe tmi but we're both into BDSM, specifically daddy/daughter, which is relevant because that involves a lot of psychology and I was her "Knight in Shining Armor". We ended up spending every night hanging out together while we went about our regular evenings. Eventually we started talking about how we could/should meet. This went on for months, until she admitted to me that she was actually married, but in the process of leaving.

That was huge for me - really devastated because I myself am divorced previously and really didn't like the idea of playing a role in someone else's divorce.
At the same time, I told myself that I probably would never meet someone that I cared about that much again and if I ever did meet that person I would never let them slip through my fingers. So, after some soul-searching, I told her that we could meet, but she first had to leave her then husband. She agreed. Moved out and back in with her parents. A few weeks later we met at a cabin in the woods and had an incredible week together.

I go back to my big city life, which now also involves spending every night hanging out with her on the internet/phone in some form or another. About 1 month into this, and we are talking about how to move her up to where I am. A couple weeks later she informs me that she's pregnant from our time in the cabin. Change of plans - I move down to her (cheaper living and her family is around for baby-support). Huge life change for me obviously - totally gave up my life/friends/home in a big NE city and moved to a rural area where I do not know anyone other than her and her family. Huge life change for her obviously - went straight from being cared for by her father to being married (for several years) and cared for by her then husband to now being cared for by me. No time to process in between any of it.

So, we began living together halfway through the pregnancy. Now our perfect baby girl is 11months old. So it's been about a year and half of co-habitation. In that time, we've had our ups and downs for sure. All in all, the ups are good but even that takes an insane amount of energy out of me, because things are only good when she feels re-assured that 1) I love her, 2) I think she's a good person, 3) I provide absolutely no criticism of any kind even if it's just humorous. Several times a day she would question my love for her or my view on whether or not I thought she's a good person. This neediness only intensified over time.

I work really long hours from home (brought my high-stress finance job to vacation-land). Over the past year and a half, a typical workday for me consists of the following general pattern: 1) start work at 9am. 2) turn off work computer at 6-10pm. 3) go to healthy grocery store. 4) cook us both dinner. Now it's anywhere from 10-12 at night and if I don't spend sufficient time petting her and telling her how good she is then it would start an emotional eruption that night or the next morning because she would feel like she wasn't getting enough attention and I'm just not doing enough for her. Between being the only bread-winner, the only cook, and the main care-giver, I have no idea how I'm expected to have additional energy to feed her with at the end of every day.
She spends her days taking care of our baby. She's not in school. Not working. I'm OK with this because I love her and love that I can help give her all of this time with our baby. What I'm not OK with, is constantly feeling drained and stressed out because I'm basically killing myself trying to meet all of our actual needs and all of her perceived emotional needs to make her happy and she is rarely if ever satisfied with any amount of energy/attention. She's basically insatiable. And I am not an endless battery.
 
Part of me feels like a humongous jerk because I'm so low energy that I've been saying "no" more and more often when she requests attention/time/energy out of my already drained reserves. I know what happens next too, but I just can't keep giving, so I say "no" and then proceed to withstand another 12+hr sandstorm of emotional rage directed at me for how horrible I am and how I clearly don't love her etc etc.

It's these moments that I just can't handle anymore. At first, when she would start to react, I would do my best to calm her and reassure. But after a while I just simply could not continue to feed that much energy absorption. Instead of being the best version of myself, I have become a depressive who shuts-down at the first sign of her switch flipping into reaction-mode.