Crispy from gaslighting, heartbroken, hurt, dissociative, panic attacks

[KS Confused F 52]

I divorced him after almost 8 years of marriage.  I sold the house and moved to a new town.  He wants to "make it up to me by taking care of expenses so I can get my MBA." 

Things were good for 5 months, then his ex garnished him for long overdue child support.  So, I had to get a job, he was angry and raging, and it was everyone else's fault but his. 

When he was upset there was no sex.  So, once again I am punished for his failure to take care of his financial obligations.  He professes his love "all of his heart for the rest of my life" but when intimacy is addressed, he just doesn't feel like it. 

I evicted him and his primary concern was having to pay rent on a place he is never at.  He wasn't paying rent living here with me. 

Why am I haunted and filled with longing for him?  Forbidden fruit? 

The panic attacks make my schoolwork extremely difficult. 

He told me about 30 days after he moved out that he "hadn't loved me for 4 or 5 years.  That sent me into a tailspin.  How could I be such a terrible judge of character?  He says I am a narcissist.  I don't know what to believe anymore.

[spero]

Dear KS,

First,    and i'd like to extend a warm welcome. Thank you for sharing your experience on this board and while you're here, i believe that you'll find many that share similar experiences to your story. Please do take as much time as you need to be here alright? But more than just finding similar experiences, i hope that this "safe" place would be a haven for you where you would find support and care.

I divorced him after almost 8 years of marriage.  I sold the house and moved to a new town.  He wants to "make it up to me by taking care of expenses so I can get my MBA." 

Wow, this must be really hard for you to be in this place. More so after having divorced your ex-partner. It must be really frustrating, and you'd must perhaps be feeling so many things at once especially when he seems to have re-engaged you with the apparent desire "kiss and make up" or technical known as a "recycle attempt".

I would suppose that this in your experience with your ex-husband. This pattern of behaviour isn't actually something new, but rather it has been recurring with an increased intensity until you had to draw a line somewhere. 8 years is indeed a long time to be in a marriage especially with someone who has symtomatic of diagnosed/undiagnosed BPD.

May I ask if your ex-partner has officially been diagnosed having BPD? From your short description, there seems to be some distinguishable patterns. But i must also put a disclaimer that i am not 100% sure at this point. Have you perhaps experienced him "blocking" or "ignoring" you? Or have had experience episodes where he has suddenly become very cold toward you? Other indicators are also, that sense of trying to pick fights for the sake of fighting, ie nitpicking, or even throw "tantrums like a 3 year old". Especially for men, i would believe that anger manifestation and even perhaps violence would be present if the person has high propensity to be suffering from BPD.
 

Things were good for 5 months, then his ex garnished him for long overdue child support.  So, I had to get a job, he was angry and raging, and it was everyone else's fault but his. 

When he was upset there was no sex.  So, once again I am punished for his failure to take care of his financial obligations. 

I'm sorry to hear that your ex-partner is not only angry and you've might have also received collateral damage as a result of his anger. I also just want to make sure that you are safe at this point in time? It must be so hurtful and painful to even try to help him out in a situation he seems unable to help himself with. Not only are you trying to meet not only his emotional needs, you have taken it upon yourself to even try to alleviate a situation of his which you aren't directly responsible for. It must really be tiring and draining to meet his needs but yet he has withheld from you your needs for sexual intimacy when he is "upset" with something or someone.

He professes his love "all of his heart for the rest of my life" but when intimacy is addressed, he just doesn't feel like it. 

I'll perhaps address this at a later time.

Why am I haunted and filled with longing for him?  Forbidden fruit? 

Dear KS, i first i must say that you have spent some years with this person. It is natural for us to yearn the people whom we fell in love with in that point in time. But i also suppose that over the years, you've seen this person "change" from the way you first met him. This is well, as plainly as what i would put it as being human. We are creatures of habit and comfort.

Going through divorce, separation and "major" changes in life usually tends to short circuit our brains. The reward centers of our brain craves the same stimulation it had, the dopamine highs when we first felt "deeply loved" or were made to feel extremely special. Now that this sense of familiarity and "security" is taken away from a person, the brain goes into that desperation of trying to regain what is lost. I won't go to the extent of saying it's forbidden fruit, KS. As human beings, i believe time and again that we fundamentally have very deep and intrinsic needs, which is to be "Understood and be loved". We want to be known, and to be cherished deeply, this i believe would be true for you as well.

The panic attacks make my schoolwork extremely difficult. 

Sorry that this situation seems to be spilling over to your studies. It is truly difficult to juggle an additional responsibility of studying. But KS, do take a breather when you can afford the time, and preferably something to keep your mind off things relating to your ex-partner. Is there something you could do right now which would bring you comfort? and wouldn't been too much of extracting you away from your current set of responsibilities?

He told me about 30 days after he moved out that he "hadn't loved me for 4 or 5 years.  That sent me into a tailspin.  How could I be such a terrible judge of character?  He says I am a narcissist.  I don't know what to believe anymore.

KS, i am going to be gentle but at the same time be slightly firm with this point. First off, i want to say that the words of your ex-partner are more an attempt of "projection" and "gaslighting". Please do not buy in to those words. I say this with much love. It will erode your being and self esteem, which are a cause for concern for me at this point. Your partner is attempting to project his own negative feelings onto you, perhaps in an attempt to make himself feel better. This is done both consciously and subconsciously.

I am inclined to believe it is more unconscious, in the case of BPD. NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) seems to have that grandiosity of things. They need to denigrate others in order to elevate their own sense of insecurity. KS, having my own experience with a uBPDexGF, i would say, their idea of "love" is very much different from that of yours and mine. Love for my ex at least, was merely a "feeling" which comes and goes. It isn't that of a commitment. If it did last, it was probably more of unhealthy enmeshment which whether it is codependent person with a BPD partner or even a BPD having a NPD partner.

It may perhaps be true that, he has not "felt" that he has loved you for many years. Love may just be that "rush" of feelings, that intoxication which could temporarily fill that void of his. But if your ex-partner is indeed suffering from the effects of BPD. That sense of what we consider, a healthy stable relationship will infact prove to be very uncomfortable. All relationships evolve and mature over time. It is simply unrealistic to expect to have that sense of euphoric high when you first met or were perhaps when he was first "infatuated" with you.

When the basis of a relationship is based on the "highs" and feelings... it will unfortunately not be sustainable. It will eventually tilt towards you having meet most or if not all his needs so that he would stay "happy" in the relationship and you would have to respond to every beck and call of his. To which failure to do so would immediate elicit a tantrum response or a baseless accusation, that you have "failed" him because you did not meet his need this one time and seem to forget that you have done so faithfully the other 99 times.

While those words may be true, but i am also inclined to think that he is using the words of "i don't love you" to "get to you" to react to the drama that he is trying to create. These behaviours, i would want to highlight and bring to your awareness. I believe perhaps what i am writing to you isn't new per se.

KS, you are from what you've shared above a caring and sacrificial person. I want you to know that, if you are truly dealign with a person who has BPD. I would be so bold as to say that you majority of the issue isn't with you. But right now you are hurting, feeling confused, distracted when he pulled your heart strings. You are not alone, KS. This is indeed a difficult situation which can easily overwhelm you. So KS, take one step at a time and go easy on yourself. Don't question what you know truly about yourself.

I am also concerned about your panic attacks which seem to be resultant of post trauma, i would highly encourage you to seek professional help with a therapist or psychologist if this prolongs and persist, and that you are unable to concentrate on your school assignments.

Please really take good care,
Spero

[Speck]

Welcome, KS Confused F 52!

 

I would like to join Spero in welcoming you to the discussion forums. We are so glad you're here, although we're sorry for the circumstance(s) that brought you to our shores. Yes, this is a safe harbor. So, feel free to drop your anchor and be supported. That's what we do here.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Why am I haunted and filled with longing for him? Forbidden fruit?

It is understandable to long for someone who by deed or creed has shown themselves to not be worthy of our love. It's extremely hard to detach from someone who has a personality disorder, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I would say that it does get better with time, and although true, it may not make you feel better now. I would suggest, then, to just focus on being very kind to yourself and to protect your closely-held values from interlopers.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[KS Confused F 52]

Thank you both for the supportive words and the sanity check.

Can you recommend a thread for me to lurk around in to get some pointers for the "day to day" coping skills that will eventually pull me out of this icky funk?

I just feel so stupid for staying in the relationship for so long and giving him chance after chance when his actions NEVER merited further opportunities.   

I am so glad there are safe places to talk to sane people without the trolls that seem to dominate the web. 

I don't have time for therapy right now, I am working FT and going to school FT so I am buried beyond words.  For now a regular workout and sleeping schedule is about all I can do.  I try to eat at least once a day and take vitamins because I feel like I've been gut punched most of the time.  I almost wish I could just cry instead, it would be faster and easier. 

I am vapor-locked. 

Thank you for letting me vent, I feel like an exposed nerve most of the time now, reading your responses was the highlight of my day. 

[JustNeedToTalk]

Thank you both for the supportive words and the sanity check.

Can you recommend a thread for me to lurk around in to get some pointers for the "day to day" coping skills that will eventually pull me out of this icky funk?

I just feel so stupid for staying in the relationship for so long and giving him chance after chance when his actions NEVER merited further opportunities.   

I am so glad there are safe places to talk to sane people without the trolls that seem to dominate the web. 

I don't have time for therapy right now, I am working FT and going to school FT so I am buried beyond words.  For now a regular workout and sleeping schedule is about all I can do.  I try to eat at least once a day and take vitamins because I feel like I've been gut punched most of the time.  I almost wish I could just cry instead, it would be faster and easier. 

I am vapor-locked. 

Thank you for letting me vent, I feel like an exposed nerve most of the time now, reading your responses was the highlight of my day. 

I can relate to everything you are saying.  I was told that "he never loved me enough".  That the two women he left me for meant more to him than I ever did.

Everything everyone has said above is true.  He is projecting on you.  I was projected with hate, anger, it's easier for him to hate me than hate himself.  It's taken me months to realise this.

As for coping mechanisms I have found audio books a huge help.  "Woman who love to much" "Walking on Eggshells".  My panic attacks became so extreme I couldn't function.  I highly recommend therapy.  I am learning to control mine, through breathing techniques and exercise.  Journaling also (for some unknown reason) helps me in a panic, I think it allows me to release adrenalin in my body and my anger towards him.  I was filled with so much self hate because of the things he said and done to me (I still am - but I am working on myself).

[spero]

Hey there again KS,

Can you recommend a thread for me to lurk around in to get some pointers for the "day to day" coping skills that will eventually pull me out of this icky funk?

I would like to point your attention to the links on the right. I think the topics might only be visible on the desktop version of the site. For your ease of access, i would like to perhaps help start you on a few our available materials.

Here are three articles which you may find helpful in first finding an anchor point where you can start thinking

1. Acknowledgment- we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings.
https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm

2. Self-Inquiry- we then probe the feelings -
https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/02.htm

3. Processing- become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken,
https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/03.htm

As for a personal pointer, I think if you are able to keep a personal journal. It would prove to be therapeutic in the long run. If you are not familiar with keeping a journal, this would be a good and new area to explore. "Journaling" helps to pen down your thoughts and it helps you process your own feelings. Being able to express how you feel to yourself helps your feel more connected to yourself as well. This would infact be very useful in the event you seek therapy outside. Perhaps you may consider this suggestion?

I just feel so stupid for staying in the relationship for so long and giving him chance after chance when his actions NEVER merited further opportunities.   

KS, i don't think you're stupid. Please don't blame yourself for how the situation has turn out to be. We may have contributed to the situation, but... i've learnt that blaming often made me more negative and depressed, and i beat myself up too much. Go easy on yourself. When we go through loss and trying to make sense of why things didn't work out, and when we run out things to blame... .sometimes we turn toward ourselves. In some other situations, it is no one's fault really...

When we are able to look at the situation objectively much later when things have settled down, we would then be able to realise and understand a little better why the situation became as such. But, there will be a time and place for that under the stars.

I don't have time for therapy right now, I am working FT and going to school FT so I am buried beyond words.  For now a regular workout and sleeping schedule is about all I can do.  I try to eat at least once a day and take vitamins because I feel like I've been gut punched most of the time.  I almost wish I could just cry instead, it would be faster and easier. 

Do take care of your physical health and remember to eat. I say it lovingly as i do have a tendency to bury myself and neglect my physical needs like sleep and food. The intake of food does affect your mood and energy levels so do make sure that you have enough "sugar" to function daily.

Thank you for letting me vent, I feel like an exposed nerve most of the time now, reading your responses was the highlight of my day. 

You're always welcome to express how you feel here. This is a safe and neutral place. I'm glad that you find our responses helpful and comforting. Please do take care. Sending you a warm hug.

Spero

[Cromwell]

what he has accussed you of reveals more about himself than it does you. discard it. keeping you in this state of bewilderment is their way of making it all the easier to control you with.

when mine wanted to hurt me she would say anything she thought would work, you have to just take none of it to heart, believe any of it and see it for what it is, the innane ramblings of an insane person having a temper tantrum for not getting what they want.

[Speck]

Hello, KS:

How are things going for you today?

We are here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[KS Confused F 52]

Thank you all so much for the words of support and sanity.

I feel like I am literally grinding out an existence and am in complete and total denial about the situation.  The "devalue and discard" portion of the program was a real sucker punch. 

I switch between rage and feeling physically ill all day long.  Luckily, work keeps me busy and when I'm not working I'm doing homework, so I don't really have a lot of time to just hang out and think.  That doesn't stop the wrecking ball from knocking me on my a$$ over and over every day.  It isn't as bad as it was originally, but my memory is just toast and trying to concentrate on my classes is taking everything I have. 

You guys are awesome. 

[Speck]

Hello again, KS:

I feel like I am literally grinding out an existence and am in complete and total denial about the situation.  The "devalue and discard" portion of the program was a real sucker punch.

It sounds like you are having a tough time. I am so sorry for that, and I totally understand what it feels like to not be able to mentally concentrate. The thoughts and memories can be really jarring.

Just be as kind as possible to yourself (adequate rest, good nutrition, etc.) while allowing time to pass... .focus on school as much as possible which can be a good built-in distractor for you. Hang in there.

Write when you can, and let us know how things are going for you.


-Speck

[spero]

Hey there KS!

How are you doing since the last time we connected a few days ago?

I switch between rage and feeling physically ill all day long.

 

Following up on my previous response regarding your request for some pointers, have you had the time to read those suggestions and consider taking some steps toward that? Let me know if those have been helpful or you are perhaps in the midst of considering a whole different set of options.

It is good that you have work to keep you busy, and like you've said so, it is really the idle time where the mind usually starts to ruminate about your recent circumstances.

Let us know how you're keeping and hope to hear from you soon.

Take care and take heart,
Spero

[Speck]

Hey there, KS -

How are things going for you?

We're always here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[KS Confused F 52]

Thanks for checking in on me. 

It has been a super nasty week, bottoming out pretty hard from not being able to focus on my homework and having an extra-large dose of intense reading/writing due tomorrow, which makes it all the worse. 

Several weeks ago I asked SATAN (ex) to just "be cool for the next few weeks" while I finish my semester.  I think he saw that as an opportunity to flush me further down the pipe and has done the opposite.  It actually makes me think he would like to see me do poorly to make himself feel better.

I always wondered why people get circles and bags under their eyes, now I am starting to understand. 

Thanks for the links to the "sanity-check" websites.  I'd like some instant detachment and memory loss if anyone has extra they aren't using. 

Added bonus: He has started drinking again and will probably lose his job.  He hasn't kept one for over 2 years since I've known him (10+ years) so that will free up some time for him. 

 

[Speck]

Hello again, KS:

Thanks for checking in on me.

No problem. It's what we do!

I think he saw that as an opportunity to flush me further down the pipe and has done the opposite.  It actually makes me think he would like to see me do poorly to make himself feel better.

Since you're divorced and living in a separate town now, what is he doing to flush you further down the pipes? How is he able to do this?

Added bonus: He has started drinking again and will probably lose his job.  He hasn't kept one for over 2 years since I've known him (10+ years) so that will free up some time for him.

I hope you're able to just disconnect from him while you're studying... .as in, not be available to him in any shape or form. Have you set this boundary for yourself? 


You are the Eye of the Tiger. Keep doing what works!


-Speck

[spero]

Hello there KS,

Sending you greetings and glad i'm that you've gotten some clarity on your situation.

Thank you all so much for the words of support and sanity.

I feel like I am literally grinding out an existence and am in complete and total denial about the situation.  The "devalue and discard" portion of the program was a real sucker punch. 

How have you been keeping since the last time you've shared about your situation?

Spero.

[Speck]

Just checking on you, KS.

I hope everything's smoothing out for you.


-Speck

[KS Confused F 52]

Hi!

Yes, it is finally starting to get better.

I talked to my ex brother-in-law (J) and apparently I am victim #4. 

#2 actually had to call his family to get him to back off - which explains SO MUCH about him.

He (J) not only validated everything I was feeling, he gave me a no-nonsense sanity check about the situation and a 30 year history of the walking dumpster fire that is my ex. 

#5 is already on the hook and spent Easter at my ex MIL's house, 75 days after our breakup.  She is only minimally stalking me on LinkedIn and FB at this point, so she must already have suspicions and is trying to figure out how to reconcile what he is telling her vs what she can discern from what she sees online. 

If she ever reaches out to me, what is the best way to handle that?  I wasted a decade that I'll never get back,   I hate to think another human will have to go through that too. 

Thank you so much for touching base with me, you really helped me more than you may realize and the sidebar information on detachment and healing was super helpful as well.

 

 I will forever be grateful. 

[Speck]

Hello, KS!

I am so glad to hear that things are looking up for you. That's great! I hear a LOT of positivity in your last post, and I champion you to continue doing whatever it is that's working for you. If you hit a snag, you know you can always come here to process.

You asked a question:

If she ever reaches out to me, what is the best way to handle that?  I wasted a decade that I'll never get back,   I hate to think another human will have to go through that too. 

Hmmmm... .this one is a toughie. I understand where you're coming from, a good place, which speaks to your humanity and kindness. It's so tempting to want to warn our pwBPD's prospective mates about our experience, but, IMHO, unless you fear for her immediate personal safety, I do think that sharing anything beyond a "hello" would be crossing a boundary. But, maybe that's just me. I just firmly believe that no one is responsible for another adult's bad decisions. Does that make sense?

I hope school is going well for you. Eye of the Tiger, and all that... .


-Speck

[KS Confused F 52]

Hi Speck!

I laughed when I read your "hope school is going well" comment.  This semester has LITERALLY turned a LOT of my hair gray!  The stress of the breakup, combined with taking 12 hours, working, and dealing with the additional BS that having to do this online because my "dogsitter" is gone has been overwhelming on the brain.  I have been counting down the days to May 10th, just to keep my sanity.  (perspective?  sanity?)

If I can keep my head together for the next 20 days and churn out a few more A's in that time period, I will graduate with honors.  I then plan to sell my soul to the highest bidder and get out of town for a few years to pull my life back together and regroup.  I have the freedom to do that for the first time in 27 years, feels good, man.     

 

I've got some GREAT kids that are all successfully "adulting" and I would enjoy a change of scenery.

Homework.     

KS