Heres my Resolution...I’m letting go

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I remember writing here almost everyday, trying to figure out where I went wrong. The problem was I was asking the wrong questions, questions to which the answers didn’t matter. The idea of letting go and moving on is to no longer feel what you once did. This feeling is normal, and you have to let it run its course, will thoughts of your ex come? Yes it certainly will. But, the truth is I was so concerned about whether this is the end or not, by leaving the decision in her hands and thats the problem. When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen. I think that often times we see a blessing in disguise and we choose to ignore it. We blame ourselves and for what, why did I get invovled with this person, where did I go wrong, if only I could still make it work somehow. The truth is there’s nothing that we could have done to change any of it. At the end of the day, I don’t hate my ex, She’s a great person, she deserves the best, and deserves what I couldn’t give her. I’m lucky to have been given the closure, I needed and I was able to give it to her as well. The idea of me blocking her was to maintain boundaries, I think that the idea of No contact means Your strong enough to let go. I stopped thinking about her and the new guy, or whether its gonna work or not, because at the end of the day thats none of my concern. I’m always going to feel like she was a great part of my life and i’m glad we were able to spend the time we did. The anger, the sadness, thats not the way it should be. Does that mean I want to be friends with her? No, some people are lessons in our lives and I think its time to close this chapter. I want to remember all the good things we had, and as for the negative signs of BPD, thats her battle and I hope that she takes care of herself. For those of you, that were married or have kids, I can never ask you to feel the same way because you guys invested so much. But, if theres one thing I can tell you, if you truly want to heal, work on yourself to the extent where, you no longer need to look for validation anywhere. Give those kids the best version of you, and those that are still struggling, don’t lose yourself. At the end of the day, it has to be about your well-being. With this post, I will no longer be posting on this board for a bit, I’m grateful for all the output from every member here, I couldn’t have reached this milestone without you guys, but I think that its time my whole life doesn’t revolve around figuring out BPD. I have to focus on my lifes priorities, before all of this happened, and I look at this as an eyeopener.

P.S.

Those that are always asking whether marriage or commitment changes anything with BPD’s it doesn’t. Two people with different views and inflexibility will eventually break up. Unless you can put your needs after theres. We are quick to blame people, but I blame BPD, we accept the love we think we deserve. Its only after we figure out our self-worth that we can become whole again.

Thank you for everything, I will keep you guys in my prayers.

Will reach out soon!

[Struggler123]

I remember writing here almost everyday, trying to figure out where I went wrong. The problem was I was asking the wrong questions, questions to which the answers didn’t matter. The idea of letting go and moving on is to no longer feel what you once did. This feeling is normal, and you have to let it run its course, will thoughts of your ex come? Yes it certainly will. But, the truth is I was so concerned about whether this is the end or not, by leaving the decision in her hands and thats the problem. When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen. I think that often times we see a blessing in disguise and we choose to ignore it. We blame ourselves and for what, why did I get invovled with this person, where did I go wrong, if only I could still make it work somehow. The truth is there’s nothing that we could have done to change any of it. At the end of the day, I don’t hate my ex, She’s a great person, she deserves the best, and deserves what I couldn’t give her. I’m lucky to have been given the closure, I needed and I was able to give it to her as well. The idea of me blocking her was to maintain boundaries, I think that the idea of No contact means Your strong enough to let go. I stopped thinking about her and the new guy, or whether its gonna work or not, because at the end of the day thats none of my concern. I’m always going to feel like she was a great part of my life and i’m glad we were able to spend the time we did. The anger, the sadness, thats not the way it should be. Does that mean I want to be friends with her? No, some people are lessons in our lives and I think its time to close this chapter. I want to remember all the good things we had, and as for the negative signs of BPD, thats her battle and I hope that she takes care of herself. For those of you, that were married or have kids, I can never ask you to feel the same way because you guys invested so much. But, if theres one thing I can tell you, if you truly want to heal, work on yourself to the extent where, you no longer need to look for validation anywhere. Give those kids the best version of you, and those that are still struggling, don’t lose yourself. At the end of the day, it has to be about your well-being. With this post, I will no longer be posting on this board for a bit, I’m grateful for all the output from every member here, I couldn’t have reached this milestone without you guys, but I think that its time my whole life doesn’t revolve around figuring out BPD. I have to focus on my lifes priorities, before all of this happened, and I look at this as an eyeopener.

P.S.

Those that are always asking whether marriage or commitment changes anything with BPD’s it doesn’t. Two people with different views and inflexibility will eventually break up. Unless you can put your needs after theres. We are quick to blame people, but I blame BPD, we accept the love we think we deserve. Its only after we figure out our self-worth that we can become whole again.

Thank you for everything, I will keep you guys in my prayers.

Will reach out soon!

[MeandThee29]

Good resolution.

In the end, we can only control ourselves. Will we be better because of this or bitter?

As sad as it all is, I see some good coming of it, and not just in me. Some of my close friends have said that it has spoken to them as well on multiple fronts.

My son's best friend came over for two days and did a huge amount of yard work for me. He said that it was the way that he knew he could help. His mom hugged me earlier in the week and gave me some encouraging words. Another friend said that I am constantly on her mind.

For me, I've found that I had far more of a caring community than I ever knew. We were somewhat isolated for a long time, but no more. Now it is my job to give back to them in little ways.

[Cromwell]

Good Luck Struggler, I remember since you started posting and your a really good person who deserves better, and will find better once you get your life on track. As time goes on this can all go down and you looked back upon as some beneficial life experience. Im just glad that you have made a decision for your own needs first, Im over pretty much everything except a small bit of ptsd memories but they are very much faded from what they were. We cant look into the future, chances are that if you would continue on, there might have been similar for you. Can you imagine being cheated on when you are married? It was bad enough for me regardless of marriage. At least by taking this step you alter your own future, and may have avoided unpleasant things, at least in a BPD relationship the statistics are higher for this happening, and it can be a good thing to take a break from the boards, i feel refreshed coming back after a break "rest and digest", haha. See you later Struggler!

[Turkish]

When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.

This is a great nugget of wisdom 

[once removed]

I think that its time my whole life doesn’t revolve around figuring out BPD. I have to focus on my lifes priorities, before all of this happened, and I look at this as an eyeopener.

this is precisely the board to do that. we all have to work through the grief, but the latter stages of detaching are about us, not them.

we learn more about life, human nature, healthier relationships and how to make better choices here. for a lot of us, this happens again, or we bring old baggage into the next relationship.

i encourage you to stick around. theres work to be done 

[MeandThee29]

Yes, I needed to understand what BPD was before I could really grieve and come to a place of acceptance.

We still have contact, so it's helpful to be reminded when I get a response and think "what in the world is this?" Otherwise I don't dwell on it anymore. Apart from a miracle, he's not going to change. I can become a better person though because of this.

[Shawnlam]

Good luck struggler , I wish you well and all the the best to you!

[Zemmma]

Everything you wrote spoke to me.

I have been ditched by this individual probably 16 times. I have lost track. Every time felt like torture. Because I loved him and loved being his girlfriend despite his alcoholism, emotional immaturity and BPD traits.

I have allowed him to hold the cards.

I always felt some relief or excitement (along with anxiety) when he would contact me in a breakup. I have been letting him decide when I am in and when I am out.

But not this time. Like you, I want to CHOOSE now that he has chosen once again to set me aside. I CHOOSE better for myself. I choose the ending. I choose me. I don't need to tell him. I have to keep the door closed. Even if I asked him to never contact me again, he won't listen. He doesn't follow my rules. He does what he wants when he wants without a second thought.

These people are not Gods. They should not be given so much control over our fate and emotions. I know I gave that to him. Now time to be a big girl and rely on me for what I need.

I think your decision to focus on yourself and move on is excellent. It has taken me 16 breakups and six years to get to this point. It's progress.

Celebrate the fact that you don't have to be surrounded by NEGATIVITY anymore. I am positive person, and although I have read articles stating that people with personality disorders can't choose to be happy, I am not among them. I choose positivity and happiness. Just as soon as I can drag myself out of this muddy sinkhole I'm going to be golden.

Best of luck moving forward.

[Cromwell]

Everything you wrote spoke to me.

I have been ditched by this individual probably 16 times. I have lost track. Every time felt like torture. Because I loved him and loved being his girlfriend despite his alcoholism, emotional immaturity and BPD traits.

I have allowed him to hold the cards.

I always felt some relief or excitement (along with anxiety) when he would contact me in a breakup. I have been letting him decide when I am in and when I am out.

But not this time. Like you, I want to CHOOSE now that he has chosen once again to set me aside. I CHOOSE better for myself. I choose the ending. I choose me. I don't need to tell him. I have to keep the door closed. Even if I asked him to never contact me again, he won't listen. He doesn't follow my rules. He does what he wants when he wants without a second thought.

These people are not Gods. They should not be given so much control over our fate and emotions. I know I gave that to him. Now time to be a big girl and rely on me for what I need.

I think your decision to focus on yourself and move on is excellent. It has taken me 16 breakups and six years to get to this point. It's progress.

Celebrate the fact that you don't have to be surrounded by NEGATIVITY anymore. I am positive person, and although I have read articles stating that people with personality disorders can't choose to be happy, I am not among them. I choose positivity and happiness. Just as soon as I can drag myself out of this muddy sinkhole I'm going to be golden.

Best of luck moving forward.

I found your post really excellent and full of a sort of renewed energy and confidence about taking some control and direction for your future. It was energetic and inspiring to read as I am currently at the same stage.

A positive person does not necessarily equal a happy person, just like a negative person doesnt necessarily equal unhappiness. You can have a mix between all of these fields and overlap. My basic rule of secret to happiness is, if something is making me unhappy, change it. Its simple, but unfortunatly, I dont follow my own advice and part of that is the difficulty in finding a relationship that contains high elements of both feelings, what to do then? Get rid of the relationship and lose the parts that caused unhappiness, but at the same time lose the happy fuelled parts too. It takes a more balanced approach, to weigh the situation up and say, well actually the amount of unhappiness is so hurtful, the good parts of the r/s just dont counter balance them.

[Struggler123]

Everything you wrote spoke to me.

I have been ditched by this individual probably 16 times. I have lost track. Every time felt like torture. Because I loved him and loved being his girlfriend despite his alcoholism, emotional immaturity and BPD traits.

I have allowed him to hold the cards.

I always felt some relief or excitement (along with anxiety) when he would contact me in a breakup. I have been letting him decide when I am in and when I am out.

But not this time. Like you, I want to CHOOSE now that he has chosen once again to set me aside. I CHOOSE better for myself. I choose the ending. I choose me. I don't need to tell him. I have to keep the door closed. Even if I asked him to never contact me again, he won't listen. He doesn't follow my rules. He does what he wants when he wants without a second thought.

These people are not Gods. They should not be given so much control over our fate and emotions. I know I gave that to him. Now time to be a big girl and rely on me for what I need.

I think your decision to focus on yourself and move on is excellent. It has taken me 16 breakups and six years to get to this point. It's progress.

Celebrate the fact that you don't have to be surrounded by NEGATIVITY anymore. I am positive person, and although I have read articles stating that people with personality disorders can't choose to be happy, I am not among them. I choose positivity and happiness. Just as soon as I can drag myself out of this muddy sinkhole I'm going to be golden.

Best of luck moving forward.

Hello Zemmma, i’m really sorry to hear about the struggle you are going through. Let me tell you one thing, we hold the pen when we write the story of our lives. Off Course, theres always a normal level of arguments and fights in a relationship, but put BPD into the mix and its like your always blamed. Not all types of abuse are physical, emotional is worse. You deserve to be happy and you will be happy. You will find someone that shares happiness with you and doesn’t suck the happiness out of you. A relationship wants to make you better, your significant other wants to grow with you not tear you down. Its checks and balances and boundaries, and as much as I care about my ex, I know I am not responsible for the things I couldn’t change. She tried contacting me just recently and I didn’t respond not because I was afraid but, because theres nothing left to talk about. I tried my best to make things work, but sometimes we have to understand that we can’t fix people, we all have our own ways of thinking. I hope you find happiness and joy, and take that positive attitude wherever you go because you’re a survivor and dont ever let anyone tell you differently.

I found your post really excellent and full of a sort of renewed energy and confidence about taking some control and direction for your future. It was energetic and inspiring to read as I am currently at the same stage.

A positive person does not necessarily equal a happy person, just like a negative person doesnt necessarily equal unhappiness. You can have a mix between all of these fields and overlap. My basic rule of secret to happiness is, if something is making me unhappy, change it. Its simple, but unfortunatly, I dont follow my own advice and part of that is the difficulty in finding a relationship that contains high elements of both feelings, what to do then? Get rid of the relationship and lose the parts that caused unhappiness, but at the same time lose the happy fuelled parts too. It takes a more balanced approach, to weigh the situation up and say, well actually the amount of unhappiness is so hurtful, the good parts of the r/s just dont counter balance them.

Cromwell, I always admired the way you would tackle things. You think in terms of a solution, when theres all darkness and hope isnt for miles and that speaks alot about the kind of person you are. As I see it, you already took the journey of a thousand miles with a single step in the right direction. To be able to break down the pros and cons of something is an excellent approach. Thank you for helping me in my time of need, I remember being at my lowest at one point and now I’m doing better. I still have those days where I think about my ex especially now that she contacted me 4-5x but, I always come back to this post and tell myself its time to let go. I wish you the best and hope you find your happiness.

[heartandwhole]

Struggler,

I’m happy for you. It’s inspiring to read about people taking the reins of their lives and deciding to change. It’s not easy, but well worth the effort, in my experience.

I hope you’ll  come back when you can and continue to support others who are not as far along as you are. It makes a real difference in people’s lives.

Thanks for sharing your progress!

heartandwhole

[Struggler123]

Struggler,

I’m happy for you. It’s inspiring to read about people taking the reins of their lives and deciding to change. It’s not easy, but well worth the effort, in my experience.

I hope you’ll  come back when you can and continue to support others who are not as far along as you are. It makes a real difference in people’s lives.

Thanks for sharing your progress!

heartandwhole

Thank you so much for your kind words. Im really glad this forum existed to allow me to become better; I still have not reached where I want to be but I am progressing in the right direction. I hope that I did have an impact others going through times much harder than my situation. I realized I still needed to work on myself and so I returned and reflected on my time and I can say with great confidence I am not in the place I was a month ago. Thanks to eveyone here who put their words out there without knowing if anyone would read them. These are the true heroes because they chose the road less taken