JADE Aftermath: What A Pain in the Brain

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ugh! I foolishly engaged in a JADE war with my STBx. This has never been a good idea for me, and this one for some reason really crushed me. It winds me up so much and gives me a headache and makes me sick to my stomach... .and I didn't move anything one iota forward.

Why do I keep getting caught up in this vicious cycle? What in the hell?

This episode occurred after all I wanted to do was give her the courtesy of letting her know I was going to tell the kids I have reached the financial breaking point (due in large part to her, though I didn't tell her that this time).

I told her I was too angry to speak about it and didn't want to hear her solution, which she didn't care about and bulldozed her way into telling me she wanted me to rent the house to her... .after I myself just fixed up the entire interior after her path of destruction over the years—a ruined microwave, a ruined stove, a wonky washing machine, hair dye all over the walls in the bathroom, etc.

And I was accused of lying and being a Narcissist because after she called into question the rashness of this decision I let her know that I had someone come in and assess the value of the house two years ago, which I had kept from her during the bad old days.

I swear. JADEing and fighting her a-holeness with my a-holeness just gets me all herpy derpy.

It's so predictable, too.

How in the heck do I break this cycle? I'm like shaking from the hurt and frustration and just her overall inability to own a single shred of her role in the financial straights she's left me and her treatment of me over the years that led me to keep such information from her.

J

[Jeffree]

Ugh! I foolishly engaged in a JADE war with my STBx. This has never been a good idea for me, and this one for some reason really crushed me. It winds me up so much and gives me a headache and makes me sick to my stomach... .and I didn't move anything one iota forward.

Why do I keep getting caught up in this vicious cycle? What in the hell?

This episode occurred after all I wanted to do was give her the courtesy of letting her know I was going to tell the kids I have reached the financial breaking point (due in large part to her, though I didn't tell her that this time).

I told her I was too angry to speak about it and didn't want to hear her solution, which she didn't care about and bulldozed her way into telling me she wanted me to rent the house to her... .after I myself just fixed up the entire interior after her path of destruction over the years—a ruined microwave, a ruined stove, a wonky washing machine, hair dye all over the walls in the bathroom, etc.

And I was accused of lying and being a Narcissist because after she called into question the rashness of this decision I let her know that I had someone come in and assess the value of the house two years ago, which I had kept from her during the bad old days.

I swear. JADEing and fighting her a-holeness with my a-holeness just gets me all herpy derpy.

It's so predictable, too.

How in the heck do I break this cycle? I'm like shaking from the hurt and frustration and just her overall inability to own a single shred of her role in the financial straights she's left me and her treatment of me over the years that led me to keep such information from her.

J

[JNChell]

Hey, Jeffree.
You have stuck it out like a trooper with her unsettling behavior . You have sacrificed more of yourself than most of us could. The kids are fairly grown. How are they as far as taking care of themselves and self sustainability? Do you think that a change might do them some good?

When reading about your situation, I try to understand as best I can while not having been in a situation like your’s, but I have to be honest here. You are still caretaking the BPD/NPD in your life. Commendable, but futile. Allowing her to come and go as she pleases shows her that there are no boundaries set. You’ve been here much longer than me, and were a great support to me when I showed up here in shreds. I just filed bankruptcy. I’m starting over, and with each set back and step forward, it’s happening. J, we have this one life at this point in time. In the here and now. Financially, how much is your inner peace and happiness worth? Yes. I’m asking for a dollar amount.

If you’re willing, is their any way to change the dynamic in which you’re currently living?

[Jeffree]

JNChell

Thanks for your kind response.

The kids are fairly grown. How are they as far as taking care of themselves and self sustainability? Do you think that a change might do them some good?

SD22 not bad, SS19 is struggling mightily. Yet I know that I can't keep the status quo and expect them to thrive. Change (The Final Frontier) will do the three of us well. I just need a few things to come together such as filing my bankruptcy petition next week and finding out what I can do regarding the sale of the house thereafter.

You are still caretaking the BPD/NPD in your life.

Good observation, but let me explain. What I feel I am doing is trying my best to not stir the beast within her. I know there's really no way to assure this, BUT there are definitely actions I can take that will inspire her lunacy, which I just can't deal with right now. Ultimately, she will give me no choice but to have to take irrevocable actions in my best interests, but I need to do these when she is moved away from the area and can't just pop in on me and break things. She has a horrendous temper, and I have taken it upon myself to try and keep that at bay. For instance, I should change the locks on the house, but that won't deter her. She'll just break windows to get in the house. That's an expense I cannot afford. There is pretty much no depths she won't plumb to get across her warped agenda.

Financially, how much is your inner peace and happiness worth?

I don't really know, but I'm willing to find out what it's going to cost.

If you’re willing, is their any way to change the dynamic in which you’re currently living?


I'm sure there is. I have opened my options to moving wherever I have to for the right job. After next Wed., I'll know what change and the timing of that change can be.

P.S. I have been trying to change the dynamic, but nothing has crystallized as of yet. I am on the case, though.

J

[JNChell]

SD22 not bad, SS19 is struggling mightily. Yet I know that I can't keep the status quo and expect them to thrive. Change (The Final Frontier) will do the three of us well.

Are you planning on inviting them to come with you when you decide to make a move? Have you discussed this with SD22?

but I need to do these when she is moved away from the area and can't just pop in on me

I understand your angle. I know that your BK is pending, but have you been putting any concrete steps in place as far as an action plan after the BK is discharged and she is 4 hours away? As volatile as she can be, it might be best to have something in place that can be executed within a day or two. She has the freedom to show up as she pleases.

She'll just break windows to get in the house.

Then I would suggest calling the police and pressing charges.

P.S. I have been trying to change the dynamic, but nothing has crystallized as of yet. I am on the case, though.

Everything’s going to be ok. The details are the b***h. I’ll be glad to see the day that I log on to find you in your own space without her interrupting your peace.

[Jeffree]

Are you planning on inviting them to come with you when you decide to make a move? Have you discussed this with SD22?


I've discussed it with both kids. I am unsure as to what I will be able to afford size wise, so it's yet to be determined how this moves forward. I will add that SD22 has a GF and she lives about 1/2 her time at her GF's family's finished basement with her.

I know that your BK is pending, but have you been putting any concrete steps in place as far as an action plan after the BK is discharged and she is 4 hours away?

I have not, because until I sign my petition next week and speak to my atty I have no idea what I can and can't do and when I can or can't do them.

Then I would suggest calling the police and pressing charges.


Yeah. I know. But I'd really prefer for it not to come to that.

I think the day is coming. Just like springlike weather this year... .apparently.

Thanks, man!

J

[Harley Quinn]

Any developments Jeffree?  Have things settled down between yourself and your stbxw?

Love and light x

[ozmatoz]

You are still caretaking the BPD/NPD in your life.

Good observation, but let me explain. What I feel I am doing is trying my best to not stir the beast within her. I know there's really no way to assure this, BUT there are definitely actions I can take that will inspire her lunacy, which I just can't deal with right now.

J, I am right there with you at this moment.  I've hit (beyond) my breaking point and want out of this as fast as I can.  I could throw a ton of cash at the lawyers and walk away, but I also know that kind of approach will stir all sorts of angry "beasts" and in the end I'll end up with a lengthy drawn out court battle and my kids are a bit younger than yours (11,16).

Keep the peace in the hopes of her signing some papers.  I know I'm going to lose, so I can either lose now, or "win" in the courts but really "lose" money, time, heartache... .  So yeah what is the price of freedom?

You and I both are still stuck in a caretaking roll.  We're both walking on eggshells.  But at least we have gained the knowledge of what we are actually doing.  We are both willingly doing this because we have a goal we are trying to achieve (whether or not that happens is a gamble).

When the verbal pukage starts again can you remind yourself that you are only doing this as a strategy?  Don't take it on so much?

Its hard to do.  I'm struggling too.

[Jeffree]

Any developments Jeffree?  Have things settled down between yourself and your stbxw?

Developments aplenty.

The JADEing via text about me having to tell the SD and SS that I have to sell the house to survive was just a precursor to the real problem... .I am bankrupt, underemployed, and finding it impossible to get by financially due to my STBx's financial shenanigans.

I had applied for a second job, but then it dawned on me: A long time ago my L had said that thing about her owing me 17% of her pay for child support for SS19 until he's 21. That would be exactly the amount needed for me to continue to run the lives and house she left.

So, last week I sent her an email about this and offered up a few possible solutions and asked her to bring forth any ideas of her own in an attempt to see if we could mediate a resolution. Silly me... .I know.

The best she could come up with was to try and force SS19 to move out and into a $600-$800/mo apt that STBx would subsidize. That solution, of course, would help nobody, split up SD22 and SS19, and force SS19 into an unsavory living situation all the while costing STBx more money up front than it would if she would just pay to me some fair amount to support her bio kids.

Yes, she feels like it's totally fair for her to walk out of the marital home, leave me with $57K in CC debt, her two kids, three pets (now down to two), pop in and out of the house she abandoned, sleep over multiple days in a row, eat my food, ask me to pickup some things for her, etc. without compensating me at all for any of it.

The mediation attempt ended up with her lawyering up. OK. So now I have to come up with a retainer to get what is legally mine and protect my best interests.

On Wednesday I was about to sign my bankruptcy papers when I had told my lawyer I was due to inherit a little bit of money from my dad's estate. That changed everything because bankruptcy would pretty much ensure I'd lose my right to that money.

I am not sure if this delay will be a blessing or a curse, as it now gives me a little time to reconsider things while the lawyer meters are running. However, and this hopefully will be the great part, now I also have the right to sue my STBx for her 1/2 of the bankrupted total. Previously, and stupidly I guess, I was filing for all of it on my own because it was all in my name. I believe STBx thinks I already did this and is off the hook. Boy, is she in for a surprise... .hopefully at least three big financial bombshells. 1) She owes me child support (though I do wish I would have started this 9 months ago when she first left), 2) she is on the hook for 1/2 the marital debt, 3) the best she is entitled is a small amount of any equity in the house because I took an early withdrawal from my 401k to make the downpayment on the house, and hopefully a fourth that she is not entitled to 1/2 of what's left of my 401k.

I have meetings with my divorce atty, bankruptcy lawyer and financial advisor PLUS my therapist and will know which end is up after that.

Thanks!

J

[Harley Quinn]

Well they really ARE some developments.  Sorry that you're having to deal with all of this J.  What are you doing to keep yourself centred amid all of that?  Do you feel as this all progresses like you are nearing something like closure, or at least a more comfortable way forwards?

Love and light x 

[Jeffree]

What are you doing to keep yourself centred amid all of that?

I'm just trying to stick to my work routine and also golf as often as I can. I continue to look for better, more lucrative work and keep searching my soul for what an enriching next endeavor might be for me. I believe I am being buffeted about for some greater purpose, but have no idea what. I just can't get my head wrapped around it.

Do you feel as this all progresses like you are nearing something like closure, or at least a more comfortable way forwards?

I do only theoretically. As the saying goes: Each day brings us closer to the answers we seek. However, I have dug myself such a hole in so many key ways that I can't see the forest for the trees.

I have retained my divorce atty and just signed my complaint for divorce, which should be forwarded onto the STBx. Also, I believe my petition for support and possibly maintenance will be soon forth going to her atty and then on to her. She's going to flip the F out when she sees what she stands to have to pay me to continue to house SS19 until he is 21. I will also sue her for back support and her 1/2 of the marital debt. I do not expect to receive any remuneration on either of these, but figure them to be strong bargaining chips on my side of the ledger.

J

[Harley Quinn]

Climbing back up the sides of those holes is certainly a challenge I can relate to.  It takes time and can be exhausting, but worth the effort and we grow on the way back up.  Sounds like you have a lot of the key things in hand and some solid plans of action, which is good.  Your L is doing a good job as you ought to expect.  Perhaps your greater purpose will come to light for you when you have less of these stressors to move through.  I feel for you.  It's really tough going when so many big things pile onto us at once.  Overwhelm has been my friend many a day over th last year or so with my family law case and I am so relieved to see the end of all of that.
 There's no rainbow at the end, however I sleep better, that's for sure!  What sort of timeframe is there on all of this in your view?

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jeffree, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, which is quite familiar to me.  Concerning JADE, I would say that you're aware afterwards when you do it, which means you can change it next time.  Rather than participate in JADE-fests, I practiced disengagement and just let things roll of my back.  In other words, I declined to participate in circular arguments.

LuckyJIm