I guess I'm over here now?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all I suppose I'll be over here from now on... :P

So after catching her in some sort of emotional affair and a ton of other infidelities she has stated she's leaving me and our three kids because she needs to be "Alone"? A BPD Alone?

If you read any of my other posts you'll see where I'm at.

This is gonna be crazy... co-dependant for 13yrs never apart... yet I've gone through 3 infidelities but still hung in there. She says I can keep the kids (Just a crazy statement to me), she'll try to get me some child support and she thinks of me like a brother/father... how fkd up is that?

We had sex yesterday, and it was good (By both our standards) Does that mean she had good sex with her brother?

Someone wake me up!

Has anyone ever heard of this brother/father thing? some sort of projection? It's driving me crazy... .

-MinFL

[Muslickz]

Hey all I suppose I'll be over here from now on... :P

So after catching her in some sort of emotional affair and a ton of other infidelities she has stated she's leaving me and our three kids because she needs to be "Alone"? A BPD Alone?

If you read any of my other posts you'll see where I'm at.

This is gonna be crazy... co-dependant for 13yrs never apart... yet I've gone through 3 infidelities but still hung in there. She says I can keep the kids (Just a crazy statement to me), she'll try to get me some child support and she thinks of me like a brother/father... how fkd up is that?

We had sex yesterday, and it was good (By both our standards) Does that mean she had good sex with her brother?

Someone wake me up!

Has anyone ever heard of this brother/father thing? some sort of projection? It's driving me crazy... .

-MinFL

[santa]

Sounds pretty messed up.

No, I'm not familiar with the brother/father thing.

I had sex with my ex the day before she left. It was nice too.

She sounds like she's got a lot of stuff going on. I'm glad to hear you're not being parted from your children. She'll have a lot of access to you through the split and after though.

Good luck to you. After being co-dependent for so long, it will be difficult.

I think initially, it will make it easier for you that you'll see and speak to her so often, but once you try to detach, it will be difficult.

I'm not familiar with your story really, but since you're here, I'm assuming your relationship was a disaster, so splitting up is probably the best thing to do. Hopefully you'll be able to get through it without much hardship.

[Perfidy]

Hey all I suppose I'll be over here from now on... :P

So after catching her in some sort of emotional affair and a ton of other infidelities she has stated she's leaving me and our three kids because she needs to be "Alone"? A BPD Alone?

If you read any of my other posts you'll see where I'm at.

This is gonna be crazy... co-dependant for 13yrs never apart... yet I've gone through 3 infidelities but still hung in there. She says I can keep the kids (Just a crazy statement to me), she'll try to get me some child support and she thinks of me like a brother/father... how fkd up is that?

We had sex yesterday, and it was good (By both our standards) Does that mean she had good sex with her brother?

Someone wake me up!

Has anyone ever heard of this brother/father thing? some sort of projection? It's driving me crazy... .

-MinFL

You awake now?

[santa]

Hey all I suppose I'll be over here from now on... :P

So after catching her in some sort of emotional affair and a ton of other infidelities she has stated she's leaving me and our three kids because she needs to be "Alone"? A BPD Alone?

If you read any of my other posts you'll see where I'm at.

This is gonna be crazy... co-dependant for 13yrs never apart... yet I've gone through 3 infidelities but still hung in there. She says I can keep the kids (Just a crazy statement to me), she'll try to get me some child support and she thinks of me like a brother/father... how fkd up is that?

We had sex yesterday, and it was good (By both our standards) Does that mean she had good sex with her brother?

Someone wake me up!

Has anyone ever heard of this brother/father thing? some sort of projection? It's driving me crazy... .

-MinFL

You awake now?

Perfidy... . For the Win!

[Muslickz]

Hell yes I'm awake... still a lil foggy in here thou... but I suppose the room will clear with time.

I was waiting for the "Holds up a picture of a cat saying Will bark for food" deal.

Perfidy, I have been here for a while lurking as my situation was progressively getting worse.

Your one of my favorites, Reality... . Check!

This is gonna suck for a bit...

-MinFL

[Perfidy]

Cool... MIF... How you holding up?

[Muslickz]

I wish I could say great but it sucks a bit, though I'd be lying if I didn't crack a grin now and then at the prospect of being single.

It's been a while and the thought of Eventually... not right away of course... meeting someone NOT Ill has crossed my mind. I am only 38 so I suppose there is life after the first wife? .

I am more worried about the kids, my 11yr old is very smart and I think he's seen this coming. My 7yr old will make it through as he's the tough one but my 3yr old girl is attached at the hip to mom and it will most certainly devastate her. I'm just a very logical person and it makes very little sense to me. But then again it's not supposed to make sense is it?

They will more than likely all need some counseling, myself included.

Oh and Thanks for asking man!

-MinFL

[MrFox]

Has anyone ever heard of this brother/father thing? some sort of projection? It's driving me crazy... .

My exBPDgf very much wanted me to "raise her".  Asked permission to do things, wanted me to create rules for her behavior, etc.  She often compared me to her grandfather.  Now that we are separated I get the feeling she is projecting a lot of the hate she has towards her father at me.  PwBPD quite often, very intensely, project onto others

[fiddlestix]

My ex dBPD wife also claimed she wanted "to be alone."  Yet, she was already screwing a drug dealer before she left me.  She has never really been alone.  She has always had a sex partner (many, in fact).  Now she is with a new guy again.  She is not alone, but is probably very lonely.  I wish she had the courage to be alone, and face her issues rather than bury them in booze, drugs, sex, risk... .

Fiddle

[Muslickz]

Has anyone ever heard of this brother/father thing? some sort of projection? It's driving me crazy... .

My exBPDgf very much wanted me to "raise her".  Asked permission to do things, wanted me to create rules for her behavior, etc.  She often compared me to her grandfather.  Now that we are separated I get the feeling she is projecting a lot of the hate she has towards her father at me.  PwBPD quite often, very intensely, project onto others

This makes allot of sense, she was abandoned by her parents but vilified her mother who was NPD and blamed her father who was a co-D like me for letting it happen, wow... I'm thinking this place may just help me get through it all.

-MIF (I like MIF, thanks Perf!)

[Muslickz]

My ex dBPD wife also claimed she wanted "to be alone."  Yet, she was already screwing a drug dealer before she left me.  She has never really been alone.  She has always had a sex partner (many, in fact).  Now she is with a new guy again.  She is not alone, but is probably very lonely.  I wish she had the courage to be alone, and face her issues rather than bury them in booze, drugs, sex, risk... .

Fiddle

I'm pretty sure this is exactly the case, She's got a thing for 20 something rock musicians, like ones that play gigs at dive bars. I'm sure she's got someone all set up.

-MIF

[fiddlestix]

Yup, my ex likes to act 20 years old (we are 48).  I know she has found 18 year old dudes on web sites and slept with them.  Very creepy... . I think those young guys used her but also humored her.  I am a fit, running, non smoker.  She is a wheezing, smoking, out of shape woman (but still cute). Yet, I am "too old" for her... .   ugh!

Fiddle

[Muslickz]

Yep, I am 38 Somewhat in shape... not fat thou. will be hitting the gym now I suppose :P I do Bicycle thou.

She smokes two packs a day, smokes pot all day long (Glad it will be out of the house) I used to years ago but outgrew it I think. She drinks like three times a week compared to my once or twice a month and then just a beer or two. She has coughing fits all day long, her parents both passed from lung issues.

Yea she acts like she is 16yrs old in respect to everything, money, responsibility, the kids, work, the thought of retirement and where that money will come from. I never really had a partner just another kid... it would seem.

That's another thing I would love to find someday, someone willing to discuss savings and perhaps a retirement plan? Instead of someone who wants to rape the bank account for weed money then tell the kids we don't have the money when they want/need something.

Ya know writing this all out kinda makes it, and I don't mean to sound odd... but makes it seem real? Man Have I been asleep...

-MIL

[Perfidy]

I wish I could say great but it sucks a bit, though I'd be lying if I didn't crack a grin now and then at the prospect of being single.

It's been a while and the thought of Eventually... not right away of course... meeting someone NOT Ill has crossed my mind. I am only 38 so I suppose there is life after the first wife? .

I am more worried about the kids, my 11yr old is very smart and I think he's seen this coming. My 7yr old will make it through as he's the tough one but my 3yr old girl is attached at the hip to mom and it will most certainly devastate her. I'm just a very logical person and it makes very little sense to me. But then again it's not supposed to make sense is it?

They will more than likely all need some counseling, myself included.

Oh and Thanks for asking man!

-MinFL

Had to crash... . Up and at it again.

Sounds like you're ready. You got a pretty good attitude and seem to have a decent handle on your situation and know what to expect. That's awesome. Keeping the kids out of the line of  fire takes some very adult behavior. Are you taking the kids?

[Muslickz]

Hey,

Yea I needed some sleep as well... .

Am I taking the kids?... . It would seems she's leaving us all right here and moving on to her... I believe they call it an "Exit affair Guy".

She said she'd love to come see them on the weekends and such... I cannot fathom how a 35yr old woman can leave her three children 11,7 and 3 and just leave. No fight, No argument... nothing.

But yea, I think it's time... Like I said I have been browsing these boards for about a year now. I knew this would be coming eventually one way or another.

I'll tell ya it's GREAT having folks here who understand, who she hasn't gotten to and made to think it's me. (She has been on a vilification campaign for the last few months, making me out to be the bad guy to her friends and keeping me from being anywhere near them) She did it so she could justify an affair and have help covering it up

I work my ass off all day, come home after 7pm everyday. I then have to make my own dinner, try to find my own laundry hang out with the kids till i go to bed and do it all over again. That's my life and has been for a while, just to support her and the kids... I busted my ass last year to get her disability for her illness, because she refused to work and we needed the money. Now she's gonna get a back check 15K+ that was supposed to change our lives and help us get "The House" and now she's gonna blow it on drugs or worse with some fling.

BUT, I will at least have my sanity back  And a chance to finally bring some stability to my kids lives. I worked my ass off for the last 10yrs... why not 10 more I suppose...

-MIF

[Perfidy]

Right on. Sounds like your ready and know what to expect. You have courage. I admire that.

[Perfidy]

Looking forward to being single and out of the crap is a healthy way to look at it MIF... Having that heads up attitude. I was not that fortunate. There was no heads up. Just instant shock. Nice advantage that will probably lessen your suffering but I know the pain is still there. Takes me a long time to process and I know that part won't be much easier for you. The game playing and the FOG is un avoidable. The less contact the better. Stick to your guns my friend. Let me know if you want to talk and keep posting your thoughts here. You gotta go through your crap but you don't have to do it alone.

[imstronghere2]

Am I taking the kids?... . It would seems she's leaving us all right here and moving on to her... I believe they call it an "Exit affair Guy".

She said she'd love to come see them on the weekends and such... I cannot fathom how a 35yr old woman can leave her three children 11,7 and 3 and just leave. No fight, No argument... nothing.



I work my ass off all day, come home after 7pm everyday. I then have to make my own dinner, try to find my own laundry hang out with the kids till i go to bed and do it all over again. That's my life and has been for a while, just to support her and the kids... I busted my ass last year to get her disability for her illness, because she refused to work and we needed the money. Now she's gonna get a back check 15K+ that was supposed to change our lives and help us get "The House" and now she's gonna blow it on drugs or worse with some fling.

BUT, I will at least have my sanity back  And a chance to finally bring some stability to my kids lives. I worked my ass off for the last 10yrs... why not 10 more I suppose...



-MIF

First, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.  Hang in there.  There never seems to be an end to us.  Those kids need you now more than you know.  They're A LOT more resilient than you might think.  It's actually better for them that she left early in their lives.  They won't be subjected to her insanity which is HUGE.  I was raised by the queen/witch version and it did WAY more emotional damage to me than I ever imagined.  Still working through that and I'm 52.  My daughter was 17 when my exwBPD left and my son was 11.  He now only has hazy memories of what life was like when she was living with us fortunately.  My daughter on the other hand has been adversely effected and will most likely have some issues with it the rest of her life because she was closer to her mother than my son.  She's 20 now and doing pretty well but she has closeness issues (emotionally) where she keeps most people at "arms length".  Her mother rejected her pretty severely and those wounds never really heal.

All kids handle this in their own way though.  I hope yours pull through this with as little damage as possible. 

I know of myself and Dutched on this board that have gone through this almost exact scenario.  Good luck getting any child support.  I didn't get that but I got sole custody of our son, was able to keep my house and my pension.  My exwBPD isn't capable of holding down a job for more than a few weeks at a time anyway so I didn't push for it.  I figure I did pretty well and besides, the best part is that she's out of their lives for the most part (barely visits with our son and hardly ever visits our daughter) so she's not a constant source of disruption for them.   

And me.   

Good luck and I hope you get through this as smoothly as possible.

[Muslickz]

Hey,

Well she packed a bag, told the kids she'd see them soon and left for what I can only imagine as "His" House.

Been on the phone all day with friends, I have a TON of support and folks willing to do everything from babysitting to giving me and the kids a place to stay if it gets bad. I never imagined all these people knew how fkd up she was... all of them telling me they knew something was wrong. That they watched me change over the last 7 yrs or so... .

I have already found out about another infidelity of hers... Already...

Man am I starting to see now... . I know tonight will be rough, after the kids go to bed was our time and I will be lonely... BUT I know I have a few people I can call and talk to to get me through it AND I have you guys!

Trying to keep my chin up!

-MIF

[Muslickz]

I finally got my son to bed, He's Six. One of my three kids... . He's been sick with a 102 fever all day but around 10:30 he got up to 103.4 and I started getting worried. So since she has the only vehicle and is still not home or called I try to call her, but her phone is off.

by 11:00 and 2 Tylenol (Orange chewable)later and he's still at 103 so I try to call again... Cause I might need a ride to the hospital for him... Just in case. She sends me to voicemail on the third ring, so I txt her and tell her her son is over 103 and I might need a ride and she should call me. She calls me and tells me to be a big boy and call him a cab or just figure it out?

I just still can't understand how a woman can leave her children in a day? and then just not care at all anymore about them?

He's down to 102.5 now but it seems if it gets bad I would have to call an ambulance and take all three kids with me?

So much for being upset about all this, I'm just angry now...

-MIF

[Perfidy]

Wow ... . MIF... I'm sorry that happened. That's pretty much what it's going to be like. You and your kids are on your own to figure it out. You aren't going to get much help from her. I know you've already noticed this. Man... I really feel for you. Call a cab? May I ask you this?

Do you see any reason whatsoever to have this person in you or your children's lives?

She is only their mother biologically. Her responsibilities as a partner and a parent are derelict. Without major transformation she is pretty useless in her role in your family. MIF... . I wish it was easier. Many years ago I went through divorce with children. I took custody. Let her go off and do all the party fun stuff while I built a great life and nurtured five outstanding human beings. My children. All grown. All well adjusted. No drunks. No druggies. All at the tops of their fields. Without her. You can do this too.

[Muslickz]

Well here we are three weeks later and she's still gone. And so is all her stuff, told her to get it all out. Changed the locks.

Apparently "He" (Affair) Didn't have his own place... in fact he was sleeping from couch to couch, and now they both live in her car...

I will have the paperwork on the uncontested child custody finished in about two weeks, she is still refusing to help monetarily with anything as she says she needs it to live(Disability check 4 BPD). Not rly my problem, I have to look out for the kids. She's still happy and willing to sign the kids right over.

According to her, their passionately in love, well misery loves company. He's disabled just about(severe spinal issues), 30yrs old Ex-Heroine addict, Homeless and works in a poppa johns. And he has an 8yr old that he pays child support to as well...

She stops in 2-3 times a week to hang out with the kids and shower. I really need some NC as it's got me on a roller coaster seeing her. I am going to get set times and such for visitation when the paperwork is done.

I have a long time Female friend and we talk almost every night and having someone to talk to really helps.

-MIF

MIF

[myself]

Sorry to read that. You sound like you're doing as well with it as you can. Being there for your kids is very strong of you and important. They will appreciate that their whole lives. It hurts to hear she's throwing away her family, and that her messed up story becomes part of yours and your kids. It's just not chaotic enough for her, even when she makes it worse? Having set times she sees the kids sounds right, and will help you have some peace. She decided to leave, you can decide to not let her back in. Best of luck to you. It's good you have a close friend to talk with, it helps get us through.

[Perfidy]

MIF! Good to see you posting again. Sorry you still are having to deal with her in person. You kind of see it for what it is and just roll with it. That's good in a way. Are you comfortable with her coming around like that or do you feel your boundaries are being ignored?

[jynx]

Mif,

You don't have to reply to this.  Just wanted you to know that if she is collecting Social Security Benefits, most likely the children are also entitled to benefits.  Those benefits are supposed to be used for the children, and they usually have the custodial parent as Representative Payee for the benefits, not the non-custodial parent.

[Muslickz]

Perfidy, great to see ya again man. And yea she's pushing boundaries a bit... I'll fix that as soon as my paperwork goes thru. And Jynx She gets 800 her ex gets 200 of that for her first daughter (She did the same thing to him) and our kids already get benefits... $9.00 each a month... crap.

They can take 60% of her 800 for Support, so 480 /4... $120 I get three of the four shares... so $360 a month is all I'll get from her Plus the $27 (3*$9.00). So roughly 400 a month for three kids... Sucks but I'll take it.

-MIF

[Muslickz]

Hey all!

Minfl here

Idont know where to start. Umm OK... I'm a fantastic single father of three awesome kids! I've been out of the fog for a few years now. My career is awesome and all three of my kids are in gifted and pulling strong A+ averages... I have had one or two relationships In the past 2-3 years and though they haven't worked out like I'd like to think ive been learning and none have ended badly. Myex BPDW became a heroine addict with the enabler she picked and is homeless and a addict and a successful Prostitute... I on the other hand have been running a successful business and after 2-3yrs gotten myself to a healthy place she is no longer in our children's lives and my kids are flourishing. I do have to thank bpdfamily for helping me through a crazy part of my life . knowing I wasn't alone was key. The light is right around the corner, you just have to want too see it! Their sick, let them go and take your life back... I did because I deserve it!

If you need it talk, please msg me... It was hard as hell... But I've never done anything more worth it!

Love all you guy's!

-minfl

[blooming]

Hey all!

Minfl here

Idont know where to start. Umm OK... I'm a fantastic single father of three awesome kids! I've been out of the fog for a few years now. My career is awesome and all three of my kids are in gifted and pulling strong A+ averages... I have had one or two relationships In the past 2-3 years and though they haven't worked out like I'd like to think ive been learning and none have ended badly. Myex BPDW became a heroine addict with the enabler she picked and is homeless and a addict and a successful Prostitute... I on the other hand have been running a successful business and after 2-3yrs gotten myself to a healthy place she is no longer in our children's lives and my kids are flourishing. I do have to thank bpdfamily for helping me through a crazy part of my life . knowing I wasn't alone was key. The light is right around the corner, you just have to want too see it! Their sick, let them go and take your life back... I did because I deserve it!

If you need it talk, please msg me... It was hard as hell... But I've never done anything more worth it!

Love all you guy's!

-minfl

Amazing to hear that you're doing so well! Just what I needed to hear on this hard day.

[Wicker Man]

I had become a 'father figure' to my undiagnosed BPD ex.  Her father left when she was a baby, her mother attempted suicide.  She had had a tragic childhood and was lost between her mother, who re-married and a father whom she hated. 

Her grandmother on her father's side once told her 'If you had been born a boy your parents would still be married'.  Her grandparents on her mother's side who raised her often reminded her 'You do not have our family name'. 

In a culture with a one child policy, and when both parents having re-married with new children she was pushed out, unneeded and alone.  Having mental illness was seen as a weakness.

So it didn't surprise me she saw me as a father figure -She didn't mean it in an incestuous manner.  She meant I made her feel safe and loved. 

I forced her to rekindle a relationship with her mother.  In fact, this is the only thing I feel good about in the aftermath of our relationship.  She now has a tenuous connection with her family.  She is no longer utterly alone.



Wicker Man