Emotionaly Drained

[TiredStepmom]

hello anyone out there willing to listen and offer some advise.
I am a stepmother of a teen girl who is displaying BPD behavior. My husbands Ex is unwilling to see that her daughter is not depressed that there is something else going on with their daughter. However, it would appear that both her and her mother also display BPD behaviors. So that goes as no surprise.

My issue is that my husband is a wreck and the ciaos and drama his daughter and her mother is creating is killing our family and our marriage. I know my husband loves his daughter and wants to see her but I have the most difficult time when she is with us, which is rare she prefers to be with her mother because she allows her to run all over town with all her friends and enforces little to no boundaries or consequences to her behavior. She has threatened suicide and has been in and out of mental facilities for the last 2 months, all because she does not want to go to school. I'm so sick and tired of everyone else's lives being thrown into ciaos to adapt to this one child's needs. Her threats although I know have to be taken seriously are very difficult to believe and appear to be all part of her manipulation to get what she wants. Her mother wants to run her all over town to meet up with groups and therapists but when it comes to actual parenting and monitoring gets lazy and weak. She allows her to keep her door closed and run all over town with her friends. I'm sorry but if this girl is truly suicidal why isn't she closely monitored!

I'm losing my mind my patience and my husband. My husband feels like he has no control and the mother takes all the control and I don't know what he can do to regain any control over his daughter and her future. As well as what he can do to ensure we don't fall apart through all this ciaos, my life feels like a circus!

[livednlearned]

Hi Tired Stepmom,

That does sound like a lot of chaos  

Having a BPD teen is one thing, and to be a step mom on top of it, not to mention a BPD ex. That's a lot. What are some ways you take care of you in all this? My SO has a BPD ex and a BPD D21, and I learned the hard way that I have to come first or this whole train goes off the rails. Self care is non negotiable.

What is the custody schedule like, and has your SD been diagnosed with BPD?

What is your H's relationship with his daughter like?

Let us know how the drama plays out in your home. Maybe we can walk with you and think together about skills that can help. There are specific relationship and communication skills that are not intuitive and must be learned.

LnL

[Mutt]

Hi TiredStepmom



I’d like to join livednlearned and welcome you to bpdfamily. I can hear the distress in your post  I can’t offer you legal advice others will join soon.

Her mother wants to run her all over town to meet up with groups and therapists but when it comes to actual parenting and monitoring gets lazy and weak.

I just wanted to add to this it’s nothing big. My exuBPDw is similar the reason why she has terrible parenting skills and drives her around to all the T’s validates her as a good mom. People only see what’s going on externally if you dig a little deeper you see that she’s an extremely insecure person trying to get validation from others.