BPD and guilt (infidelity)

[MvckDaddyWave]

Sorry for the length.

I work in close proximity with my ex. I believe she  (as far as I know) undiagnosed BPD. Reading posts here is almost like describing her actions and mindset to a tee. She presented initially a totally different person to me than she is presenting now. Has a very sad story about growing  up in an abusive household and a mother who left her there at a young age. She’s cut off multiple friends and family members. And has done some interesting, albeit funny things in public I’ve never seen another person do. She couldn’t understand taking a relationship slow so as to preserve BOTH of our feelings and happiness and letting the relationship  grow naturally over time. She demanded more and more attention, so I assumed she really liked me back. A few weeks prior you our break up, she had begun devaluing me. I was her second boyfriend, but I’ve had experience with a few women before, so I assumed something was wrong.

Anyways, while she was away on business, I found out she got back with her ex after she posted him on her social media. That was the only notice I had. I blocked her. I just couldn’t bear seeing her with him every time I opened my phone. I guess she perceived this as abandonment ( I at this point had never heard of BPD) She hasn’t spoken to me since. That’s pretty much how our relationship ended. I’ve tried to speak to her multiple times. Usually, she’ll act as if I don’t exist. If I ask her a legitimate work related question, she’ll look at the ground and speak very softly. When we were dating she seemed so confident and had such an attractive personality. Now she seems embarrassed to interact with me.

Now, I frequently catch her staring at me, when I catch her she’ll maintain eye contact, but won’t speak. I usually break eye contact first because even though I miss her with every fiber of my being, I’d be doing myself a disservice letting her know that. I don’t sense any intimidation, maybe sadness or curiosity. I don’t ever remember her looking at me like that when we were together.

I’ve tried to extend an olive branch just for closure for the both of us. Also, if she’s truly happy with her current boyfriend, I want that for her.

Any idea what might be on her mind? I’m broken. Just looking for some understanding.

[zachira]

It is really hard to know what's on her mind. People who have BPD have a pattern of getting intimate too soon, becoming scared of the intimacy and then running away, and then trying to come back to the partner they ran away from. As hard as this sounds, it really does not matter what she is thinking, because if you get involved in her feelings which seem to be all over the place, then it will likely just make it harder for you to move on. You are in a particularly difficult situation because you work in close proximity with her, so you see her on a regular basis. It is so uncomfortable to continue to see an ex all the time when you have not ended your relationship in a way that can be healing to both parties and allow you to move on with your life.
I have often suffered terribly with relationships that have ended badly, yet felt very rewarded when relationships ended for the right reasons and there was transparency and kindness about why we could no longer be together. Let us know how you are doing as we care, and maybe we can help you to get through such an uncomfortable situation where you regularly run into your ex.

[once removed]

I don’t sense any intimidation

you might be surprised. people with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, and its often referred to as a "shame based disorder". theres a lot of shame, and simultaneously avoidance of feeling it.

in laymans terms, you saw what she did (im sorry, that was pretty lousy), blocked her, and i dont think anyone in that position would or should feel good about themselves. at the very least (you mentioned youve not spoken about it or much else) it makes for a very awkward situation and shes probably pretty unsure what to do with herself.

is it something you think you want to broach with her?

[Mutt]

Hi MvckDaddyWave,



I’d like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. You’re in the place, you’ll see that you fit right in here when you read posts and post your story. You’re not alone.

Now she seems embarrassed to interact with me.

You’re a reminder of what she did, as others have said she’s ashamed of her actions. It has to be difficult being so close to someone and without warning you’re pushed away and can’t talk to each other . I look forward to reading your posts.