I feel that I can't walk away now and I'm stuck needing to provide support

[chillamom]

Hi,
I've been very hesitant to post about what I've been dealing with, because I've been struggling to detach completely for too long and the empathy and guilt always serve to keep me rooted in place.  Short story - broke up with diagnosed BPD/NPD partner in 12/16, the relationship had lasted nearly 9 years, most of them tumultuous to say the least. I am MUCH older than him and have 3 daughters (2 still at home, in college) who despise him for good reasons.  We had a brief recycle last summer, then I stayed away completely for several months, but then saw him occasionally as a friend at times during the fall and winter because his incessant begging and crying tugged badly at my heart, and yes, I still has feelings for him and I admit had sex with him a handful of times.   We are not in a relationship, I do NOT want to recycle, the relationship was a toxic brew of emotional and verbal abuse that badly affected me mentally and physically.  He has not sought another partner, but during all of the times we have been broken up he has contacted me incessantly, begging and crying and screaming that loneliness will kill him and I have to help him because no one else will.  My children do not know that I have seen him at all since last summer, and would probably tie me up in the basement to prevent me from leaving the house if they knew I was even speaking to him.  

In January, he broke his ankle and it was a complex fracture that required surgery and pins/plates.  As a result of not adhering to the recommendations for rehab given to him by his doctors, he ended up in the hospital on Easter with a pulmonary embolism and also an infected boil that resulted in sepsis.   Pretty serious stuff, and of course I went to see him in the hospital several times.  He did recover, thankfully, and was discharged a few days ago to continue with medication and with physical therapy.  It was pretty frightening I'm sure to go through all this at 32, he's young to have experienced the blood clot and all, but fortunately he's on the mend.

Now of course he is begging for me to be by his side as he recovers.  He lives at home with his parents and has no one - literally NO friends - and he is pleading with me to go on walks with him, help him heal, and generally HELP him in any way.   He has cried wolf many times before about how bad off he is, but NOW he really is in a tough spot.

He is unemployed (he lost his first and only job last November because he was vaping weed in the company bathroom) and has not been able to find another job since (obviously his injury has impacted upon this most recently).  Like I said, he has no friends at all (largely due to his behavior) and I am the only person outside of his parents (who are very abusive) that he talks to.  

I'm probably not making much sense here, and I don't even know what I'm asking.  I don't want to deal with this anymore.  I don't even want to talk to him. BUT I feel that I can't walk away completely now, and I'm stuck needing to provide support to him because he has no one else to do it.  How could I be so cruel as to tell him in this condition that I don't want to continue ANY type of relationship with him?  How can I look myself in the eye if I walk away from someone who was in such bad shape, and still has a long way to go to recover?  He wants so badly to be independent, cries constantly about how "behind" he is compared to others his age (true, sadly) and generally takes no responsibility for any thing that has happened to him in the past in any way (again, he is diagnosed as NPD as well as BPD).

I can't take this anymore.  My health is deteriorating - the stress from last summer's recycle landed ME in the hospital with cardiac problems.  I am so depressed I have been increasingly staying home from work and isolating myself from others.  I can't go back to him, I can't have children and it's all he wants, and he WON'T LET ME GO.  The guilt is like superglue.  I don't want to do this, but I feel I have no choice!

I trust the opinions of people on this board, I've been here for 4 years now with this ongoing mess and I can't seem to break free.  I am in therapy, it doesn't help and I'm a doctoral level psychologist myself, so getting another therapist won't do me much good.  I know all the "moves".  I just want to be free of this man once and for all, he scares me and treated me in a tremendously abusive way for years and I know I deserve better. I just feel so overwhelmingly guilty telling me now that I don't want to see him any more AT ALL.  I feel that he will absolutely  hit his rock bottom; how can I do that to another person?

Im sorry, now I'm just venting, and I don't want to waste your time, because so many of you are dealing with much more difficult situations.  I'm ashamed that I'm not much good to anyone, even myself.  I couldn't go to school and teach my classes today and it's close to the end of the semester and I feel guilty about that as well, but I just couldn't drag myself out of bed, and as soon as I did, his texting and pleas to "help" started all over again.  

I can't be cruel; I don't know what to do.  Any advice is much appreciated, as I feel like I can't live with this way any longer.  I'm desperate to cut him of completely, but equally desperate to not that terrible person to walk away from a person in need.   What can I say to him?

[pearlsw]

Hi chilliamom,

This sounds terribly difficult! I would find it hard to turn away someone, anyone, asking for help too!

If you can depersonalize for a moment, if we could trade places, what would you advise me to do and why?

with compassion, pearl.

[chillamom]

Pearl, thank you, and that's a good point.  Objectively, I think I would tell a friend that this person has been asking for "help" for the better part of the last decade, and every time you rushed to provide it you were abused, accused, and treated terribly.  I would tell a friend that none of the "help" they had ever provided had had a positive impact, and that this ex is in a state of perpetual crisis, which is true.  I would also tell them that every time they allowed themselves to be manipulated into providing  "help" in the form of sex, support, or whatever else they were giving the ex the false hope that things would eventually change and that the relationship would recycle, which is not the case.

It's relatively easy to think of what I could say objectively, because I'm a fairly logical person.  In all cases but this.  I am a helper to a fault, in both my professional and personal life, and my ex KNOWS that and uses it to his advantage.  I don't know if that's conscious on his part, but it is very effective.  I am feeling like a completely horrible person for not rushing to his side, despite the fact that he was awful to me for years and years.  Thinking of him sitting there so alone tears me up.  That trauma bond is tenacious.

[Lalathegreat]

Oh Chillamom - I’m so sorry. I’m a classic caregiver and it literally pains me to turn anyone in need away. It is why I all but walked into my expwBPD’s fist. So believe me when I say that I know it can feel impossible.

I know that if his actions hadn’t forced the law to intervene, I would probably still be there. So understand that nothing I’m about to say comes from a high horse, high horses want nothing to do with me.

All of that said, there will NEVER be a “right” time to leave. Yes, right now he’s medically fragile. But it will always be SOMETHING. Something with a job, something with his parents, something with an illness, just being desperate and lonely. Because he will always be extremely mentally ill and there is no way to fix it.

NC literally saved my life. It was incredibly hard at first, thankfully a criminal NC order made it impossible for me to contact him (or I likely would have). It has been 9 months since the assault. 9 months since I have seen or talked with him. And I am a completely different person. I see now what I couldn’t then. I see that it was always, quite literally, him or me. I see now that if I was to survive, there was really no way to have any contact with him. I can see now, that there never was another way. Not if I wanted to be ok.

I hope you will choose yourself. I’m not saying it’s easy. But I’m saying that if you want to survive, there is no other way. I spent a lot of time on conflicted and improving when I was in my relationship - believe me, I WANTED there to be a way. I no longer believe that there is one for most of us. And I know enough about you from your time here to know that you deserve so much more.

Visualize that you are handcuffed to a man who is wearing anchors and sinking. Do you go down? Or do you cut off the cuff and save yourself?
Saving yourself means you can be there for your kids, and for your friends. It means that you will survive to help others who are receptive to being helped.

I wish I could magic wand this for you. Be strong!

Lala

[chillamom]

Hi, Lala,

Good to see you here (well, not "good" but you know what I mean!) and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.  Thank you.  I remember your story very vividly, and am glad to hear that you are in a much different mindset than months ago.  I remember that the prospect of your ex being released was terrifying, and I'm so glad to hear that there has been no attempt on his part to contact you.  And I really do understand how it took something so awful, so life threatening, for the grip to finally be released.  I wouldn't understand the vast majority of the stories on this board if I wasn't right there in the thick of this detachment stuff as well.  After literally years of trying.

I know you speak with the voice of bitter authority when you say NC is the only way, and intellectually I utterly agree.  My situation is a "him or me" one as well. Of course he tells me he's changed, he would never treat me badly again, and he's not that person any more so I should stop bringing up the past abuse when he asks why I don't want to come back into a relationship with him.

I'm really trying to explore what it is that has me so held in place, and I just don't know.  Why do I care so much that he still thinks of me as a kind person (which he won't of course if I cut all ties).  Why do I care that he believes I care about him?  Makes no logical sense.

You are right in that he will always be mentally ill.  Even though he has texted me for hours tonight (with no response from me) begging me to help him, nothing I can do will help.

I think the fact that I've spent nearly a decade of my life with this person in it just boggles me and I'm afraid I can't start over.  The entirety of my 50's were spent with him - probably my last good decade considering I've developed multiple stress-related health problems in the intervening years, likely due to being with him. 

My friends tell me I'm being cruel to him, and that every time I talk to or see him I give him false hope. Do you think this is the case?  I really "vibe" (as my kids say!) with the image of me handcuffed to him and drowning right there…... I don't know why I can't break free, but it's pretty desperate.  I'm just going to have to DO it and not think about the next steps, because as sad as it seems I don't think I have much of a life left.

Anyway, thank you so much for being here, and I really do appreciate your "talking" with me.  I know you understand this 1000% percent, from the inside out, and I'm just so happy to hear that you are doing well!

And if you happen to locate a magic wand, please share it!

[flourdust]

It seems you know that you need to get away from this guy. And you know that the board here is going to give you that recommendation. Are you able to follow that advice? If not, why not?

[chillamom]

Guilt, flourdust.  How can I be a good person and walk away from such a sad and vulnerable individual at what (legitimately) is the worst time for them?  What does that say about me?  That's what I'm grappling with at the heart of it.

[Lalathegreat]

 

I understand the guilt, but it doesn’t change the nuts and bolts of your situation. And I understand wanting your pwBPD to not think you’re cruel, I felt that too. It’s probably 98% of why I stayed. It’s almost as if MY sense of value and worth as a person (because I’m KIND and GOOD, my whole sense of self has been built on being good to others) crumbled if he thought badly of me.

But guess what - what we attempt to do for our BPD partners is not sustainable. I watched him set his whole world in fire when he assaulted me - he burned that mother to the effin ground. And I guarantee you that he thinks less of me now than he would have if I’d managed to get out earlier.

Your friends aren’t wrong. As long as he thinks he has YOU, he has no reason to seek “help” or to try to build anything outside of you. Not that his life isn’t going to be extremely challenging, but he can’t move forward into whatever us “next” for him either.

(() It’s a process.

Oh, last thing. I’m not sure what I thought would happen to me as a result of his hatred of me, but I’ve adapted. Occasionally I do just think about how there is somebody out there who literally thinks I abandoned them, left them to spiritually die, drove them literally insane, lost them their child, etc etc. Because I’m sure he thinks all those things. It has had no impact on my life whatsoever. I know my heart, I know my truth. So do the people who know me. He will think what he thinks. But it’s not about ME. It’s about what I represented to him and how it triggered his disordered ability to function. And that is sad, but it’s not about who I am as a person.

Thinking about you my friend!

Lala

[patientandclear]

Actually, I’ve found that very often, when we truly use boundaries and actually part ways with people who don’t treat us well, those folks turn out to have a completely different narrative than “she abandoned me.” That is OUR stuff. Usually that person eventually reads the tea leaves enough to grasp that they might have been responsible for the other person’s choosing not to remain in the vicinity, not a lack of kindness.

I’ve drawn boundaries and stepped way away from two men who treated me poorly in different ways. One I still am in some contact with as we have a child together. The other pops up from time to time. When they do, they both still have a narrative about how I am a kind person. I don’t think you should assume what he would make of it if you save yourself and do what you want. People usually respect that. Again the contrary narrative is generally in OUR head, not theirs.

[Cromwell]

some of the 'best' times I had with my ex, were at the times you are suggesting yours is at now; when I was needed.

when she lost her job, all of a sudden I got the calls and voicemails.

When I saw her, the whole idolisation started again, I was the greatest person, she "knows who I really am" and came to me because the rest of the world was all of a sudden against her.

Then as she got back on her feet again with my help, I became less significant and the antics started all over again.

So what im trying to say, based on my experience, be at least prepared for a similair eventuality, where you are now idolised due to a frantic need to be fulfilled, however, dont expect much gratitude if you do the hard work for this person and they perhaps are faced with the difficulty of appreciating you for it afterwards, or are forced to feel some sort of guilt or debt. Chances are, these emotions are too much to take on board as it means getting closer to you emotionally, something that I have researched is a difficulty for pwBPD to do.

[flourdust]

Guilt, flourdust.

That's the answer to "why not?" Does that mean your answer to "Can you follow the advice you are getting here?" is "no"?

No judgment - I just want to understand if you need a different kind of support because you appear unwilling to get away from this guy.

[Lady Itone]

Hey Chillamom,

My BPD waif evokes in me much of the same sick pity you feel for your ex. I've let her back into my life when I didn't want to because she had no one else, would be homeless, etc... I can see the good in her still, though, and I don't want to abandon her utterly.

If you can't/won't NC, how about low contact? How about only doing things for him that you want to do, or that at least don't stress you out? You're no good to him if you're drained, so start with "filling your own bucket."

That's probably going to mean blocking him on your phone/social media for a few days so you can hear yourself think. Let him know you're going to do this, then do it.

Then, decide what you are and are not willing to do.

Maybe you'll visit him twice a week for an hour at a certain time, and that's all. Is there anything you enjoy doing with him? Going for a walk, playing a game, ordering pizza? Is there any way you can make  time with him enjoyable for YOU, so it's not just you sitting in his parent's house listening to him whine? Also, you can let him know you'll leave immediately if there's any obnoxious behavior.

I did some things like this fairly successfully with my much-younger BPDgf.

For example, I was feeling frustrated by too much videochatting--she lives a few hours away from me, and I hate talking on the phone or video. Finally, I told her I promised to make time to talk to her twice a week at a specific time for a short conversation, and that's it. And I'd hang up immediately if she seemed manic and off her meds. Likewise, I was feeling drained by her many texts and messages, so I made it clear if she starts blowing up my phone, I will block/ignore for a couple of days. I definitely had to hang up a couple of times, had to block a couple of times. But now, the frequency of her bothering me is like 70% less.

The bonus is I'm less aggravated by her and nicer to her when we do talk.

If you feel like you're throwing energy into a black hole when trying to help him--stop! Don't give him advice he won't take, or sympathy you don't feel. Don't buy him things, don't clean up after him or do anything he can do for himself.

Is there anything you can do to make him feel supported which will make you feel good too? For example, I like sending my gf little gifts, so I'll surprise her with something inexpensive I know she needs, like nice soap, something good to eat, or a shirt I think will look cute on her. However, I will not pay her phone bill because she blew all her money unless she promises to pay me back (and keeps her promise.) Because paying her phone bill makes me feel resentful, whereas picking out a gift feels good.   
 
Anyway, I sympathize with your situation and wish you luck. I gotta go get ready to videochat with my pwBPD. She messaged me this morning sounding kind of manic, upset about something her mother did, but I told her I was busy and I'd talk to her at the time we allotted. Hopefully she'll be pleasant. If not, I'll hang up. Bye!

[chillamom]

Hi, and thanks to Lala, patientandclear, Cromwell, flourdust and Lady Itone for responding.  I want very much to reply, but I just had carpal tunnel surgery today and I can barely type (don't think I'm supposed to even be trying).  I'm gonna give the laptop a "read only" treatment for a few days, but I will get back to people and again, thanks very much for your ideas and support.

[Speck]

Hello, chillamom:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared? I hope you have a speedy recovery and an awesome surgical outcome.

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[juju2]

Hi,

I found out that i had co dependency issues.  I go to al anon, it's a lot of support for me.

Also went to counseling.

What I like about al anon is, we don't give advice.

There are meetings all over, it's suggested that you try at least 6 different meetings, to see if it is for you.

Take good care of yourself,  j

[hope2727]

GO read "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie. It will help you answer your own questions.

[Harley Quinn]

Chillamom I'm checking in on you as I'm concerned to hear that you still seem stuck in something that isn't good for you.  Hoping that you've given some serious thought to this.  My big question for you is what would it take for you to release yourself from this obligation you feel?

We all let go of or grow apart from people in our lives.  People we had relationships with in our pasts, whether friendships, co workers or lovers - even family in some cases - will all face their own share of difficulties in their lives after that point, as will we.  It is not our responsibility to help everyone through these things once we are no longer involved with them.  They are adults and can take care of themselves however they see fit.  Looking after his needs or more to the point wants is not your job.  As long as you give, he will take.  So I ask again, what would it take to push you to that point? 

Love and light x