1 month NC

[looking4guidance]

I have finally made the decision to go complete NC and block my BPD ex from everything. My T of course recommended this. The first week was amazing and my anxiety of her reaching out was completing gone because of course she had no way of doing so. Now that I am one month in I am feeling sort of guilty. I checked her social media accounts (I know this is something I shouldn't do but I did it) and all her accounts are completely deleted. She was pretty obsessed with social media I can't believe she would delete all her accounts.

It may sound selfish but I need to put my self first and with that being said I want to keep her blocked until I have completely detached. I don't think I am there yet but I am starting to feel guilty as I have triggered her deepest fear ... .abandonment. We were together for 6 months and another 2 months of very on and off. For those of you who have been in a BPD relationship, those 6 months were intense to say the least. The idealization phase for me didn't last too long. This is because I am not one to walk around egg shells and would bark back if she tried to make feel worthless or give me anxiety. I do admit I was a pushover at times but she even told me she was so attracted to me because I was the first guy to "put her in her place" and stand up for myself. It is funny because all my exes have said to me "feels like I am walking around eggshells with you".

BUT now I am feeling guilty. I would hate if I found out she killed herself (she did attempt once already) or if she is suffering and cutting herself (she is a cutter and has marks all on her arms) but like I said I need to put myself first.

Ultimately I am asking for advice. Do people go NC and then low contact like literally once a month to catch up? I don't stay friends with my exes. This is actually because they all hate me LOL but usually I don't care to stay friends with them. I definitely don't go back sexually to them. I guess with a BPD this is difficult because they are addicting. I know if I saw my BPD ex right now it would be hard for me to turn away from a kiss, affection, and definitely sex. Because of course the sex was mind blowing.

Crazy what this girl put me through and I still feel sort of guilty. Our history before each other was scary similar as well. She was the first girl to break me and probably the only girl to ever do so but it was almost like we both met each others match. Life is interesting. Moving forward I am trying to be better. In the sense that I don't want to cheat anymore, lie and manipulate my romantic partners to get what I want and completely lack empathy. I always say rule #1 "don't ever feel bad" but here I am feeling sort of bad for triggering complete abandonment.

Its a weird feeling to spend an intense 6 months with someone and the poof they are gone and basically "dead". I know I need this attitude to move forward though. I am probably equally as black and white as her. I swear we had the classic NPD/BPD relationship. It was insane.

Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think.

[Cromwell]

nearly 8 months of NC and I can relate a lot to the strange feeling of not having a clue about what my BPDx is up to, I never check her FB or make any attempts to find out. It really is like she doesnt exist, but at the same time, this is very much the same as any other relationship that ends and you dont keep contact, over time for me they just fizzle away, the feelings change and they are not part of their day to day thinking.

This has been very different with this relationship due to the intensity of it. I also can relate to your feelings of what might happen should you somehow get back in contact but the clue is there from what you say, the infactuation. i did split up with my ex for a month of NC during the relationship and she happened to bump into me in a very unexpected place, i still dont know if she stalked me there but regardless, seeing her again stirred up all the emotions instantaneously. the chemistry is there and it is very overpowering.

Well my form of NC really was as a last resort to end the drama and chaos, couldnt deal with it anymore, and I promised myself that she had went too far for me to ever want to reconcile regardless of anything that might happen. I can say that in the long run it has worked but yes I very much missed her for the first few months and there were many weak moments.
 
For all the strong feelings I had for her, I know that if for any reason our paths cross in the future that I plan to ignore her very existence. What she did felt like part of my soul was amputated out, and im just never going to trust someone with a PD in the future. Remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about if she does these things, they are still her choices and as you said, your own needs and wellbeing have to come first. 

[looking4guidance]

nearly 8 months of NC and I can relate a lot to the strange feeling of not having a clue about what my BPDx is up to, I never check her FB or make any attempts to find out. It really is like she doesnt exist, but at the same time, this is very much the same as any other relationship that ends and you dont keep contact, over time for me they just fizzle away, the feelings change and they are not part of their day to day thinking.

This has been very different with this relationship due to the intensity of it. I also can relate to your feelings of what might happen should you somehow get back in contact but the clue is there from what you say, the infactuation. i did split up with my ex for a month of NC during the relationship and she happened to bump into me in a very unexpected place, i still dont know if she stalked me there but regardless, seeing her again stirred up all the emotions instantaneously. the chemistry is there and it is very overpowering.

Well my form of NC really was as a last resort to end the drama and chaos, couldnt deal with it anymore, and I promised myself that she had went too far for me to ever want to reconcile regardless of anything that might happen. I can say that in the long run it has worked but yes I very much missed her for the first few months and there were many weak moments.
 
For all the strong feelings I had for her, I know that if for any reason our paths cross in the future that I plan to ignore her very existence. What she did felt like part of my soul was amputated out, and im just never going to trust someone with a PD in the future. Remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about if she does these things, they are still her choices and as you said, your own needs and wellbeing have to come first. 

Wow. This is great. Thank you. I feel like I lost a part of my soul as well. Even just with 6 months. I can't imagine if it lasted over a year or even longer. It sounds like we had similar relationships. I swear my BPD ex almost had traits of psychopathy. The lies, manipulation, and the CHEATING.

Have you started dating again since your BPD relationship? I am dating again and I do realize I appreciate little things more. Simple things like communication. Or maybe you will understand this - leaving her phone on the dinner table while she uses the restroom.  My BPDEX was so secretive with her phone... .I never saw her on it and of course when we were out I swear this one time she used the restroom 5x within 3 hours all of which she was in the restroom for a very long time (prob texting her other flings). The phone thing drove me crazy. Also it was always on silent and never face up if she did have it out at her apartment. But of course she ALWAYS wanted to go through my phone and even my computer. Overall though I appreciate these little things from some of my casual dating experiences since my BPDex but I do miss the craziness. Good ole trauma bonding. I even joked with someone I am casually seeing right now and said "will you ever slap me" and she laughed and said "only in bed if you want it". This made me smile but I know it is unhealthy. LOL

You are right. We deserve better. I have a strong trust in the world that I deserved this relationship for my wrongdoings in the past and trust me I was no better than my BPDEx. Yes I cheated, yes I occasionally told lies, yes I hurt a lot of people and karma came and slapped in the face. LITERALLY. Yes, my BPD ex was VERY physically abusive.

I can't believe I stayed as long as I did but when the sex is as good as BPD sex and she is so insanely beautiful and gives you all the attention in the world... .it literally becomes the craziest addiction anyone could ever experience. Also probably doesn't help that I have a very addictive personality and struggle with addictions myself. 

What a ride.

Thank you again. 

[Cromwell]

emails from FB saying that I unusually logged in at 3.40am. confronted her "oh, yea... .I get those emails too!"

saying to me "im just going out to drink by myself tonight" as I see her carry a pack of 20 plastic cups.

Needing to always use my phone, then discovering everything was synced to her accounts. confronted her and just a blank look.

I could go on, to more extremes but yes, her phone was untouchable. she once said "its the only thing private I have". (the hypocrital one-sided nature of it all)

Im glad that how you write is quite upbeat about it in parts, yes in a very mild way I can look at it all and see it as quite silly behaviour but 3 years of it escalating, trust me you have done well to get out of it, it is interesting how you say trauma bonding, I see it now that way, and yes in some ways it was andrenaline rush to live with someone that but it burns you out, it is unhealthy in every way, and I didnt respect myself enough to get to the stage of saying "ok, you might be 10 out of 10 to me and I like how it feels to live on the edge" but the truth is, i know this cant be sustained until a crash down to reality.

I look back and think, if I could have just been her friend with benefits it would have been alright. but i think thats more just because I miss her and try to think of how things could have been configured better. I really feel that the hurt that I went through and the discovery of that (when I disregard infactuation completely from the equation) I see a sad, nasty, undercooked person. Whatever the early life childhood excuses are, the fact is that she did these things knowlingly, deliberately and intentionally and has a wake of very hurt people in her past. probably some not even strong enough to have found out just what really happened to them and are still in her phone as she used to gloat to , "oh, he is still after me since 4 years!, and laughing about it". at least what I know is that I discarded her and she has to live with the fact that her looks werent that important after all.

I didnt cheat on my ex, but I did split up with her for a week and slept with a mutual friend. She absolutely loathed her since then, and the idolisation phase kicked back off again with me, which was great and part of the plan :D  but, i highly recommend not to play games in these relationships, I am casually dating now and happy, but your so right about the paranoia, its horrible, but it has started to fade away a lot.

Im happy for you that your taking this as an experience and making the most out of it but being sensible and mature enough to realise that the incredible sex is the hook, but that is all that it is. ive not seen it as a topic here, but its a good point you made, its going to be incredibly difficult for me to find someone who could match that bedroom chemistry, i never thought id need to ever think about going for sex therapy but it is seeming to be likely. but when you factor that part out. I wanted and expected more unrealistic as it sounds now looking back, who wouldnt? if I had that and the 'good' part of her, true intimacy not fake that she portrayed so well plus the sexual chemistry, id literally trade anything for that, "life would be but a dream", at least i do feel despite it not being real, it felt at the time, it was if for a short time.

cest la vie eh?

thanks for your post, helped a lot.

[looking4guidance]

emails from FB saying that I unusually logged in at 3.40am. confronted her "oh, yea... .I get those emails too!"

saying to me "im just going out to drink by myself tonight" as I see her carry a pack of 20 plastic cups.

Needing to always use my phone, then discovering everything was synced to her accounts. confronted her and just a blank look.

I could go on, to more extremes but yes, her phone was untouchable. she once said "its the only thing private I have". (the hypocrital one-sided nature of it all)

Im glad that how you write is quite upbeat about it in parts, yes in a very mild way I can look at it all and see it as quite silly behaviour but 3 years of it escalating, trust me you have done well to get out of it, it is interesting how you say trauma bonding, I see it now that way, and yes in some ways it was andrenaline rush to live with someone that but it burns you out, it is unhealthy in every way, and I didnt respect myself enough to get to the stage of saying "ok, you might be 10 out of 10 to me and I like how it feels to live on the edge" but the truth is, i know this cant be sustained until a crash down to reality.

I look back and think, if I could have just been her friend with benefits it would have been alright. but i think thats more just because I miss her and try to think of how things could have been configured better. I really feel that the hurt that I went through and the discovery of that (when I disregard infactuation completely from the equation) I see a sad, nasty, undercooked person. Whatever the early life childhood excuses are, the fact is that she did these things knowlingly, deliberately and intentionally and has a wake of very hurt people in her past. probably some not even strong enough to have found out just what really happened to them and are still in her phone as she used to gloat to , "oh, he is still after me since 4 years!, and laughing about it". at least what I know is that I discarded her and she has to live with the fact that her looks werent that important after all.

I didnt cheat on my ex, but I did split up with her for a week and slept with a mutual friend. She absolutely loathed her since then, and the idolisation phase kicked back off again with me, which was great and part of the plan :D  but, i highly recommend not to play games in these relationships, I am casually dating now and happy, but your so right about the paranoia, its horrible, but it has started to fade away a lot.

Im happy for you that your taking this as an experience and making the most out of it but being sensible and mature enough to realise that the incredible sex is the hook, but that is all that it is. ive not seen it as a topic here, but its a good point you made, its going to be incredibly difficult for me to find someone who could match that bedroom chemistry, i never thought id need to ever think about going for sex therapy but it is seeming to be likely. but when you factor that part out. I wanted and expected more unrealistic as it sounds now looking back, who wouldnt? if I had that and the 'good' part of her, true intimacy not fake that she portrayed so well plus the sexual chemistry, id literally trade anything for that, "life would be but a dream", at least i do feel despite it not being real, it felt at the time, it was if for a short time.

cest la vie eh?

thanks for your post, helped a lot.

Oh man. Its such a crazy thing to have experienced something like this. For me... .

-Leaving in the morning for work 6 condoms (yes I counted  because I suspected it) came back at night sure enough 5. Called her out on it which resulted in her locking herself in the bathroom with a knife threatening to commit suicide

-her describing us having sex earlier in the day ... .which was not us having sex. Haha she was so bad. I literally was like "um we did not do that".

-Finding cigarettes in her apartment. She absolutely will not smoke. I smoke and she would never touch a cigarette because "her body is perfect".
 
-Getting slapped and shoved for leaving the toilet seat up, slapped for being on instagram in her apartment, and accused of texting another girl when i was texting my mom and showed her the convo. 

-I go to sleep at 1 am she has to be up all night doing "laundry". I wake up at 4 am randomly and she is nowhere to be found. Call her no answer. Strolls in at 5 am. Wakes me up and tells me she has to go to work.

-Her going to sleep at 10 pm (she never sleeps) wakes up 12 hours later "sorry babe I fell asleep". Go over at  night... .and shes washing her bed sheets.

-Texting me nonstop then suddenly disappearing from 7 pm - 2 am. Text at 2 am from her "sorry babe I fell asleep".
 
I never cheated on HER but I did cheat on previous partners. It really put things in perspective for me. Its pretty ___ty. I think this experience should make me a better person. We will get there. I want to be where you are. I did attempt this whole NC thing before via blocking her and would wake up to love notes on my car. But sure enough it has been 1 month and have not heard a peep from her. Anxiety is at an all time low but still there.

I totally know what you mean when you say you wish you could have that good side of her. That would be a dream and living in fantasy land. I held onto this idea for a while and it just gets you in trouble. We did get a taste of it though. It was a pretty magical feeling to say the least. Oh well... .Im ready for a normal healthy relationship where I am not getting beat up for texting my mom, going on instagram, and leaving the toilet seat up.

And honestly the sex was great. It almost felt like I was having sex with a pornstar. Literally. But in the end it became a chore. She wanted it and if i didn't give it I got the famous "My ex gave me sex everyday he was a man! You are not  man enough!"

Absolutely. Cest la vie. And like my T says "no jail time, no kid, no serious STDs... .you dodged a bullet".

[Speck]

Hello, looking4guidance!

I just wanted to pop in to check on you. How have you been doing?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[looking4guidance]

Hello, looking4guidance!

I just wanted to pop in to check on you. How have you been doing?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

Thank you for reaching out. Eh - I could be better. I should be better... .
But these BPD women just know how to get a reaction out of me.

I stupidly decided to unblock my BPD ex. I don't know why... .I think I was just curious to see if she still thinks about me. I kid you not 30 minutes later I received a text message from her. I didn't respond/deleted and then blocked her again.

Fast forward a few weeks I was on a date and received a text message from my BPD ex (she was using a random number because I have her blocked). On the date I didn't see it because I don't use my phone on dates. Especially during the earlier dates. When I left I sort of laughed thinking why is this girl still trying to bother me. Well the next day when I was vulnerable I decided to give her a call and basically tell her I started dating and I am moving on and so should she.

She blew up and threatened to destroy my life and my car. Threatening to ruin my career really bothered me. Literally screaming at me and I embraced impact... .quietly waiting to get everything on camera so I can finally get a RO and move on. 40 minutes later I receive a call from her... .Now she is completely normal and apologizing and just wishing to give me a hug and go on about her life. Sort of asking for closure. So I gave it to her. She cried. Drove off and that was it. Next day tells me that she is back on dating apps and is going to find someone new.

Not sure why but just the thought of someone else living my hell sort of pisses me off. Also the delusional idea that maybe she learned a lesson from dating me and that she will be better for the next guy. HA! I don't know why I think this way... .but i do.

BPD women are actually nuts. Blocking them from your life and not reacting when you get the random numbers is probably the most damaging thing you can do to them. I can finally let go and move on... .Sort of... .I won't be truly happy until I am truly happy with my current life situation. I do admit that dating is pretty hard. None of the girls match her in more ways than one but I do have a serious appreciation for kindness now. This is something I totally overlooked in my past relationships.

Example - I laughed - I gave this girl I am dating my passcode to my phone so she could change the music while driving. I said "oh now you have my passcode and you can search my phone". She said "there will be no need for that. I am not interested in invading your privacy".

LOL! I was constantly threatened by my BPDex that she will search my phone. Crazy.