Everything I do is wrong. I'm never exciting, stable, or good enough.

[gotbushels]

I started this from a discussion point from Gunit's thread.

I think many of us have this tremendous hope and the corresponding feeling that some kind of superlative effort will create this princess (or prince) image. I did. The closer the pwBPD is to our own idea of ideal--who wouldn't overlook some flags (red, yellow, green, unicorn?) to be a partner to such a person?

Occasionally here--around the ideas of people falling in with those of equal emotional maturity--nons seem to get a little self critical about their roles. I know a bit of that feeling that comes from introspection. Perhaps it's that irritating feeling of 'wrong', that queasy implied self-deference that someone is somehow your 'better', or that feeling you'll deserve more if you weren't so lacking.

At the same time, I think the effort we put in at the time demonstrates the size of the empathy, self-sacrifice, and generosity it took to power ourselves through the relationship. That seems to me how tremendously we want(ed) that ideal. The effort we cracked it with is also evidence of the directed power of our wants. Those twice-weekly 6-hour fights, the juggling our own lives, the physical harm.

Recognising these things helped me a lot to connect to the goodness in myself in the nightmare of being partner to a BPD--so I want to share it.

Knowing the what, when, where, how, why of what was ours and what was the pwBPD's--investigating it, delineating them--I hope that shows you these things too and allows you to accept them. We learn so much in managing dysreglation to do this thing called 'acceptance'. I hope you see further that many of us aren't called to accept only those horrific things.

We talk about 'grains of truth'. They aren't all pitch black. Yes you could have enough to fill a ricebowl by the end of your relationship. And you could take out grains of truth that are gold that other people who haven't done that looking inward won't recognise in themselves. If that's you then I hope you live with those golds. Go forward and live with consciousness of that quality within you. If those black grains aren't yours, then you have permission to leave them behind.  

[Forearmed]

I think many people delving into BPD come to realise that it's a syndrome of ever decreasing 'harmony circles' that must play out for the majority of them. The further they move past their honeymoon period self -manipulation (where they will do anything for you) the more it becomes ALL about them and their needs. They are essentially  4- 5 year olds emotionally... .seeking that partner / parent to give them the perfect unconditional love (they never had as a child). Problem is it becomes twisted in the many ways we read on here. And the less likely you are to bend to EVERY one of their needs the more slow-ly disgruntled they are becoming (in reality) past that honeymoon period.

Not for me : )

[Mutt]

Hi gotbushels,

At the same time, I think the effort we put in at the time demonstrates the size of the empathy, self-sacrifice, and generosity it took to power ourselves through the relationship. That seems to me how tremendously we want(ed) that ideal. The effort we cracked it with is also evidence of the directed power of our wants

I was thinking what if the effort that you put towards your pwBPD with compassion was turned inwards for self love? What would you get in return? I’m speaking for myself when I saw this but the ideal person that you’re describing here for me was in essence my idea of happiness.  

I always thought ( no longer do )  that I would find it in an ideal partner it was out there and eventually I would find the one. Thinking about it today sounds to me like a fairy tale ending life isn’t it like that you usually have a multitude of complicated things all going on at the same time. Nothing of value is straight forward.

The power of our wants popped out for me from your post it made think of chasing happiness with a pwBPD, happiness starts with you.

[juju2]

Hi family,

The reason i kept getting hooked, finally saw it last week when i visited him in the hosp.  I do aomething nice, compassionate, he rebuffs it, turns it into something bad, i get upset, i try harder.
Instead what i did, for being chided for surprising him at the hospital, which all i did was drop off a plant at the nurses station, i let the comment go.
I didnt fight it, try something different, "better".
Its like i found the key to get out of jail.  I felt changed, o.k., on my way.  I felt no shame at doing something wrong, again... .

I recently met a very sweet man, we have been dating, he has shown me kindness, respect, romance.  I am enjoying my time.  Taking my time.

Thank you all, j

[Insom]

Juicy thread, gotbushels!  Lots to ponder (each paragraph could spawn a thread of its own).

Recognising these things helped me a lot to connect to the goodness in myself in the nightmare of being partner to a BPD--so I want to share it.

Would it be fair to say that you believe your relationship, as difficult as it was, helped you tune into some of your better qualities?  Was this something you were able to recognize as the relationship was happening?  Or was it part of the post-relationshiop Learning for you?  If post-relationship, what was the process you experienced that allowed the insight?

[gotbushels]

Insom  

   I'm glad to share that juice.  

Would it be fair to say that you believe your relationship, as difficult as it was, helped you tune into some of your better qualities?  

Yes. The relationship was difficult--obviously and to borrow calledandchosen's word, brutal. There are people with those 10 years+ ones. It did help me tune into some better qualities. For example, I sometimes work excessively. That can be poor if I have a family to look after--e.g., Emily's father from Lawson's work.

Emily’s father worked two jobs in order to support his family.

But it can also be an example of persistence, dedication, and want to change things for the better. So it isn't about throwing that out. It's about seeing how these qualities can be healthy or destructive. It's about seeing that small choices can have big consequences for people that may depend on you, or people whom you're responsible for. It's about--even if you have the pwBPD out of your life--making sure to take what's good and yours.

Was this something you were able to recognize as the relationship was happening?  Or was it part of the post-relationshiop Learning for you?

I think the recognition of the good things was always there. So the recognition was during the relationship.

To encourage other nons here, I add that the recognition became more developed after the relationship. So the recognition is also a part of post-relationship learning.

Plainly put, it's much harder to see good things when someone is haranguing you and trying to harm your self-esteem. So when you're separated from the BPD (or have limits set up to distance yourself), you have a better environment to grow this recognition. Done both ways--separated or with-distance--I think that different environment is a very good thing.

To empathise with the nons that are closer to the breakups, what helped me was the ability to separate whose feelings belong to whom--because that's linked to whom did what action to be labelled as 'has X trait'. When you can delineate who is doing what and why, then it becomes easier to see both the good things and poor things to you. Then you can explore and grow the things you want and stifle the things you don't.

If post-relationship, what was the process you experienced that allowed the insight?

Happy to.

If you want to put pen to paper for a specific example, you can do it using Fruzzetti's chain analysis (Cap 10 here). This can be done with just 1 paper. Anyway, looking back, if I had more $ I probably would have gone to a T or P to help me get that done.

Alternatively (since there's a 10 post threshold here) the shortcut method I'd like to share is to play full out with this,

Separate your feelings from those of the person with BPD. In chapter 3, we explained that BPs often use projection to try to get others to feel their feelings for them. You may need to keep checking yourself to determine whose feelings are whose. If you start to feel helpless or angry, is it because the other person is projecting his or her own helplessness or anger onto you?

That's from Mason and Kreger here.

Pleased to discuss this with you Insom and I hope you continue to enjoy your peace.

[MeandThee29]

The reason i kept getting hooked, finally saw it last week when i visited him in the hosp.  I do aomething nice, compassionate, he rebuffs it, turns it into something bad, i get upset, i try harder.
Instead what i did, for being chided for surprising him at the hospital, which all i did was drop off a plant at the nurses station, i let the comment go.
I didnt fight it, try something different, "better".
Its like i found the key to get out of jail.  I felt changed, o.k., on my way.  I felt no shame at doing something wrong, again... .

It was a breakthrough for me when I realized this too. Whatever I did that was positive, he might turn around and punch holes in it. The balance of negative versus positive feedback in the relationship was overwhelmingly negative. I would never treat a child like that, so why did he get into a groove of treating me that way? I remember one day last summer when there were eight things I had said or done wrong even before breakfast, small to large. One of them was that he didn't like how my alarm clock looked. Really? And then more as the day went on. The bottom line was that he wanted to control more than was appropriate.

When I could just let it slide off me, I did better. That took a long time though and weeks and weeks of counselling.