10 days NC, pride week was rough

[Lady Itone]

I still have no desire to break 10 days of NC with exgfBPD32. I sexually fantasize about her, though. Pride week was tough.

See, the women I fell in love with in my late teens and early 20's all didn't love me back "in that way," even though they got sexual with me. They were bi, but not the same way I'm bi, where I actually fall in love with and want partnerships with other women. Over and over, I got my heart broke by girlfriends who chose men. Eventually, I married a man, even knowing that my heart beat a little fiercer for women.

When my marriage faltered and fell in my early 40's (largely because my attraction to women grew harder to ignore) the 1st woman I got involved with was "heteroflexible" and NPD. I might as well have been 20 again, burning for someone who didn't want me back, obsessing, ruminating. After the NPD woman, I didn't attract another femme for 3 years.

Then along came gfBPD32. I thought I was breaking the pattern with her. She was a lesbian, and she definitely wanted me "in that way." Right after we met, I dumped the guy I'd been dating for 8 months--a total Peter Pan anyway. I was soo gay for her, and it felt great.

Two years ago, pride week rocked! After years of being invisible to the LGBTQ community, I had this tall, beautiful lesbian on my arm. I finally had a reason to come out to my parents. Gf was calm and clear and we watched the parade and talked to my friends. We were gaga for each other.

Last year's pride was another story. After we marched in the parade, gf wanted to party. I'm 14 years older than her, I was done, plus had work that night. I encouraged her to stay out, have fun, but I went home. Later, she called to ask if she could bring the girl she liked into to my house (we had an open relationship.) I said no, I wanted some peace and quiet before work. They showed up anyway, both out of their minds wasted, and they were all over me.

I was NOT game for a 3some. They were sloppy drunk, the girl was breathtaking but I was old enough to be her mother. Also, I had to go to work! So I made them drink water and coffee, then threw them out.

Gf was PISSED at me, they were too drunk to drive to her place 45 minutes away, and the girl still lived with her parents! Not my problem, I didn't want a drunk girl who was legally to young to drink in my bed. I barely knew her! I'd met her briefly when she and gf were in the psyche ward together. Gf and I scuffled in the kitchen, threw things, then we took it to the street. Finally the girl, who'd been busy throwing up in her car, got between us. I went inside and locked my door. They sat in the car a good while, then off they went.  

While I was at work, gfBPD climbed through my window and texted me from inside my house that she was sorry, she was making us dinner. I told her to leave or I'd call the cops. I came home to my house trashed, a hole in the wall, my wine glasses smashed, floor tiles broken, dinner everywhere.        

This year, I spent time with my queer friends, and carried the banner at the front of the pride parade. I'm out, I guess, to the community now. I actually saw the NPD woman, which sometimes spoils my day, but I had some nice marijuana edibles and just didn't care. She and I looked right at each other and neither of us reacted.

I thought a lot about exgfBPD, though. I feel like I can't totally relax or she'll show up and I won't know what to do. I really hope she isn't taking this too badly. Lots of people on this board discussing if borderlines can love. I say hell yes. I've read in many sources that pwBPD's have "favorite people." Strangely, it doesn't seem like this is an accepted thing on these boards? I haven't seen the term. Anyway, I was her FP, she wanted to be with me always, and a good day for her often depended on what I did or did not say or do in regards to her.          

I started therapy this week, I already feel like it's going to be a waste of money. Therapist seems focused on the evils of self-medicating with booze and drugs. Whatever, I've been doing that for 25 years. I want  to focus on my obsession with unavailable women (and occasionally unsafe men.) Yeah, sure, it started with my emotionally distant parents, but how do I make it stop?  

Peace and Pride,

Lady Itone

[Lady Itone]

And now exgfBPD contacted my mom on facebook with a crazy heartbroken letter. I'm scared she's never gonna let me go and move on.

[once removed]

And now exgfBPD contacted my mom on facebook with a crazy heartbroken letter. I'm scared she's never gonna let me go and move on.

aw man   

did you hear the contents? how you feeling about this?

[Zen606]

Hi Lady Itone,
Your therapist may be looking at the issues you are bringing to the sessions from a particular point right now, however the self-medication may be linked to unavailable/unsafe partners, and emotionally distant parents. So, I would hang in there and see where the therapy goes because from my experience all behaviors are connected.

Congratulations on the 10 days, I know its hard. I'm on 7 months, its been a long haul but I am so glad I made the break.
Zen606

[Lady Itone]

aw man   

did you hear the contents? how you feeling about this?

My mother read me a few of the more lucid parts. Exgf seems to be slightly manic, parts of the letter were disjointed and disorganized word salad. The gist of it was that she was worried because I "just disappeared" and that's not like me. She also said she was "too young to understand" why I had abandoned her. It made me feel sad, guilty, and trapped.

My mom never met exgfBPD (my 'rents live far away) but she's compassionate about the situation, and of course, she was unsettled by the letter. I told mom she didn't have to reply, she could block exgf if she needed, but I also said if she felt like she needed to say something it was ok. I assured her this isn't a dangerous person, just a sick one. My poor mom wasn't sure what to do, so I told her I'd go ahead and just let exgf know I'm ok, and my mom said okay, then she won't reply.

So I felt I had to break NC--exgf's plan worked. Sent her a brief email saying just I'm fine, I've "disappeared" because I can't handle the relationship anymore. I confessed I've felt more peaceful with no contact. I wish her the best but I don't want to engage at this time or for the near future. I have a feeling she'll choose not to see it, not to accept it, and there will be other attempts to pull at my heartstrings. 

It's just so sad, I can see the broken little girl inside her who just wants me to love her and make it all better. I was good to her and she knows it. She isn't going to let me go. And I am so weak when it comes to her, I can't seem to protect myself. I need help with this or I'm seriously going to have to move away and change my name. 

I knew when I started with her that she was fragile. I thought I could handle it, I never intended to cause her harm in any way. I just want her to turn her focus away from me to fixing her own life, and let me turn my focus back to me. She's still sucking massive amounts of my energy. 

[mama-wolf]

Hi Lady Itone,

I'm really sorry you're going through such a difficult time.  It's especially hard when these things are tied up with generally needing to be accepted for who you are.

I started therapy this week, I already feel like it's going to be a waste of money. Therapist seems focused on the evils of self-medicating with booze and drugs. Whatever, I've been doing that for 25 years. I want  to focus on my obsession with unavailable women (and occasionally unsafe men.) Yeah, sure, it started with my emotionally distant parents, but how do I make it stop?  

A few things came to mind as I read this part of your post... .

Try to keep in mind that the therapist's first priority is probably going to be to help you stabilize for right now.  I'm not saying that you're not stable--I'm saying that the therapist's job is to help you be as strong as you can be in the face of these stressors, pressures, and behaviors that can really hurt you now.  If he or she is concerned about self-medicating, it's because that can have an influence on a lot of things... .on your self-control to help maintain NC, your vulnerability to manipulations from your ex, and on your own inner critic that can really hurt your self esteem, etc.

Also, therapy itself is a process.  You both have to get to know each other, which will take a little time.  Your T will likely spend some time talking about more immediate events, conditions, reactions, feelings, etc. before starting to look into the deeper-rooted causes or "issues" that you think need attention.  There's a reason for this.  You may realize and hear things that are difficult to deal with, and you need a trusted partner to help you through that (in this case, an impartial clinical expert who can help be an essential reality check and source of support).

Finally, as you work with your T, keep in mind that it's not always a perfect fit.  It's OK if you determine that this particular T is not the right fit for you.  He or she can help you recognize that and potentially help you find someone who is.  Just try not to abandon therapy altogether... .it's a critical part of self-care that can really save you from a lot more pain.

Take this from a woman who is emotionally avoidant, struggles with the idea of needing anyone, and still feels reluctant sometimes to walk the therapy path.  I know I need therapy.  It has helped me through some extremely difficult months already, and continues to do so as I work through separating from my uBPDw.  So I go, and I participate, and I share things with my T that I really don't want to.  And I listen to her, even when I don't want to hear what she has to say.  I may not be able to act upon some of the things she recommends or encourages me to do yet, but maybe through her patience and with repetition I will eventually come to love myself enough again to do so.

mw

[Lady Itone]

Yeah, I hear y'all that I should not give up therapy after 1 session. It just never did much for me before, and I hate spending $$ just to talk to someone. But truth is, I gotta talk to someone, give my poor friends a break they've been listening to me cry about gfBPD 3 years now. They're ready for me to be DONE.

Plus I feel like I need a reality check after several trips down the BPD rabbit-hole. Mental illness is contagious. Is my reality distorted? The assessment test said I'm all over the place, no particular disorder, symptoms of everything, and hard to tell when you throw in drugs and alcohol. Therapist said recent traumas (a severally mentally ill girlfriend coming unhinged in the middle of a natural disaster) combined with my previously diagnosed low-grade depression is creating a crises. Sounds about right. 

[babyducks]

Hi Lady Itone,

First I want to say, when I go to Pride I only ever end up with a sun burn and a snow cone. 

and a couple of thoughts.   I took a couple of swings at therapy before I found one that was a very good fit for me.    so I think mama wolf made some good points.      while I like and respect my therapist very much I still occasionally call therapy "stupid therapy" because it is work.   it is a process.   it is not perfect.    it doesn't work like valium, more the pity.   it's fuzzy math.    I don't much like fuzzy math.   still it's a vital part of taking care of me now.   I have no plans to stop.   

And now exgfBPD contacted my mom on facebook with a crazy heartbroken letter. I'm scared she's never gonna let me go and move on.

this rang bells with me.   My Ex ended the relationship in typical dramatic fashion.   Lots of high emotions.   and yet she lingers on the periphery of my life.    I see her at least once a week, ~accidentally~.  She visits my favorite bodega.   Show's up in my favorite park while I am out walking the dogs.    Parks her car across the street from house.     became friends with many of my friends.    all of that with a thin veneer of legitimacy pasted over it.   she has to go to that bodega because that is the ONLY place to get a certain item and she 'just craves it now'.       It's part and parcel of my life now that I know that she will turn up, in the grocery store, in the library, in the park, in the neighborhood.    It's been an effort to build skills that allow me to deal with that, especially since I want nothing more for her to go the heck away.    Not saying your ex will but mine has been doing this for a couple of years now.   

Trauma has a way of changing people, how we view things,   how we respond to things.  we've all been through a bunch of trauma with our pwBPD.    I think it's important we create a safe sane support system.


happy pride

'ducks

[Lady Itone]

':)ucks,

Mmmmm, snow cones! You seem to take it well that your ex is stalk-y, that sounds somewhere on the spectrum between annoying and stressful and I respect that it must've taken you a while to figure out how to not get too upset. Luckily exgfBPD isn't currently in the same city as me. I'd have trouble resisting her in person, that damn angel-face.

She replied to my email very nicely, actually. She said she just needed to know I was ok, and she hoped we could reconnect sometime in the future. Her writing was sometimes lucid, at other moments a little off, so maybe she's only accepting because she's a little manic or high on adderall, and stuff will hit the fan when she crashes, but I was relieved there'll be no scenes, screams or drama for now, anyway.  

She always told me she'd follow me wherever I moved. Her life plan was to end up with me. For this reason, I don't imagine she's finished with me, but seems like she's accepted my current decision with grace.  

Now I get to grapple with the unbearable loneliness, the sexual longing, the ruminations that I will never be with a more beautiful woman who wants me so much.

[Lady Itone]

Darn it, spoke to soon about exgfBPD32 handling that last email with grace. Got a second email now. More lucid, more seductive. I'm guessing there will be many, many more saying anything she can to try to reengage me.

But I'm scared to block that email address. If I don't at least give her that access to me, she'll ramp up her attempts and could show up at my door. Or who knows.

I don't need to check that email address. I told her I look at it every few days. I'm not sure I won't check it more often, of course, in weakness. I haven't answered either of her emails, will try not to answer for as long as possible. When it gets to a point where I feel I have to answer, I will be "grey rock."   

I often have this fantasy that I tell her "Ok, if you're going to act like a child, I'm going to treat you like one. For as long as we're together, you obey me. You have a say in what happens, but ultimately, I make all decisions. You're in charge of housework, and give me your disability check--I'm in charge of finances. You'll have a bedtime and will eat sensible meals. You are not to drink heavily or do drugs, only take your medication as prescribed. I, on the other hand, will do whatever I want."

Of course, even if she agreed to this in desperation, I'd never be able to enforce it, and before you know it, she'd be off on a meth binge and running naked down the street. She's bigger, stronger, and has been in more fights. She's legally an adult, even if she's emotionally 6 years old. I know I can't trust her to keep such promises.   


 

[babyducks]

Lady Itone
You have been through a lot with your partner.    A lot of intense events that created a very deep bond.  I'm guessing that you shared more of yourself in deep meaningful ways.   It's a strong connection and you are right to grieve that.

Still the chances of having a calm, low conflict relationship with her are low.  There is a lot of history to overcome.  There is a lot of difficulties in having a relationship with someone who is not compliant with treatment.

Can you say more about not responding to her?  How will she take that?  If you were to answer her here, just to us,  no filter on,  how would you approach it?