HELP I need advice I am leaving today. I just can't do it anymore.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The guilt I feel with leaving such a beautiful (outside, not inside) person along with my 9 year old son is killing me but I just can't take it anymore.

I would love to write everything she has done to me over the last day, week, month, year and our whole life together but it would be repeating what everyone writes here. I heart goes out to everyone here who is experiencing half of what I have to what we all have to go through to get over this. It is going to be a long road ahead but I am as ready as I will ever be.

This weekend, my plan is to pack up and leave. Is there any advice from anyone? I am leaving my house and my 9 year old but plan on trying to get custody of him. When should I start the divorce proceedings? Am I dumb to leave even though not started with divorce? I just can't take the abuse anymore.

I want to cry but can't anymore. Just feel so sad and numb. I enjoy being a father and husband. This is what feeds her.

Thank you for reading. Please offer any help/suggestions you can think of.

[fedup2017th]

The guilt I feel with leaving such a beautiful (outside, not inside) person along with my 9 year old son is killing me but I just can't take it anymore.

I would love to write everything she has done to me over the last day, week, month, year and our whole life together but it would be repeating what everyone writes here. I heart goes out to everyone here who is experiencing half of what I have to what we all have to go through to get over this. It is going to be a long road ahead but I am as ready as I will ever be.

This weekend, my plan is to pack up and leave. Is there any advice from anyone? I am leaving my house and my 9 year old but plan on trying to get custody of him. When should I start the divorce proceedings? Am I dumb to leave even though not started with divorce? I just can't take the abuse anymore.

I want to cry but can't anymore. Just feel so sad and numb. I enjoy being a father and husband. This is what feeds her.

Thank you for reading. Please offer any help/suggestions you can think of.

[spero]

Hi there fedup2017th,

I glad that you've chosen to reach out to us. Thank you for sharing your situation in brief. My heart goes out to you. You must be feeling so drained emotionally and it takes alot to be pushed until one finds himself/herself in a position to want to leave. I'm really sorry for the abuse that you've been receiving, and i do hope that as your spend time with this community, you would find support and encouragement.

Now, I've not be married so i would not have any experience in such a situation. I do believe many community members have been in such a situation and i know someone will chime into give you perspective on that.

However, i am also concerned as to what your partner might do or tell your nine year old when you're leaving just like that by yourself. There might be negative implications to that because, i would believe in most cases, (though i might be wrong) women would have a higher chance of getting custody of children.

So, unless you are very sure that you have all the evidence and have a clear advantage of winning your child's custody, this move to leave without your child may have a larger impact on your child. At least, that is my concern from how i see the situation.

Perhaps could you share a little about what plans you have in place at the moment and then we could bounce some ideas on the board?

Takecare,
Spero

This weekend, my plan is to pack up and leave. Is there any advice from anyone? I am leaving my house and my 9 year old but plan on trying to get custody of him. When should I start the divorce proceedings? Am I dumb to leave even though not started with divorce? I just can't take the abuse anymore.

I want to cry but can't anymore. Just feel so sad and numb. I enjoy being a father and husband. This is what feeds her.

Thank you for reading. Please offer any help/suggestions you can think of.

[mylovewbpd]

Hello FedUp,  I'm so sorry, you sound like you've been through a lot.  To get to this place, I'm sure it must be pretty hard to stay.  Have you looked into the divorce laws in your area? Just make sure you know the way forward and are not going to do anything jeopardize your petition for custody when you leave.  I don't know if your spouse may try to lie or manipulate the court so please make sure you document what you are taking or leaving behind in case there are any fights over property or damage or anything.  Also, is it absolutely necessary to leave your son behind?  Could you possibly formulate a plan first and then find a way to do this in a way so he won't be left behind in a drastic way?  I don't know your situation or how bad it is so I'm just posing questions hoping that you will see this from all angles.  Again, sorry for your suffering.  Prayers and blessings over your path forward.

I am filing for divorce next week but have done lots of research. I waited and found a time where there is little to no tension between us because I do not want to deal with any resistance from her.  Still, there is no telling what she may do.  I guess I will find out next week.

[Jeffree]

If I were you I would Google abandonment of the marital home and see what comes up. You more than likely will be responsible for providing child support and spousal maintenance upon your departure.

Also, yes, as mylovewBPD says to look at the wider scope of divorce and custody laws in your state before leaving, as it can set forth a whole other group of ramifications worse than staying just a bit longer to get your ducks in a row will. 

J

[fedup2017th]

What great advice. Thank you! I met with a divorce attorney 6 months ago and she told me to leave if you can't take the abuse and this could even help me. Since doing a Google search, it sure says something different! I think the best thing to do is to find an attorney and let her tell me exactly what I should do.

This friggin sucks that I have to deal with this!

[spero]

Hi there fedup2017th,

Good to hear from you. Your situation sure sounds complex as it involves the custody of your son. Have you sought a second opinion as to what this current divorce attorney has said to you.

This isnt a straight up simple case that a divorce attorney usually handles because there is the added dimension that your partner is someone who likely has a personality disorder, and as others have mentioned, she might even lie under oath. So it will further complicate matters.

In the meanwhile, what other option are considering at the moment? I am also concerned that you might need a short break from her. Is it possible to take your son and visit your parents and under that guise have a break from her? And also reduce the risk of whatever happens as a result of you leaving your son alone with your partner?

Spero

[No-One]

Hi Fedup2017th:
I'm so sorry about your current situation and what you are going through.

This weekend, my plan is to pack up and leave. Is there any advice from anyone? I am leaving my house and my 9 year old but plan on trying to get custody of him. When should I start the divorce proceedings? Am I dumb to leave even though not started with divorce? I just can't take the abuse anymore.

You may want to post on the legal board, and gain some perspective from others who have navigated the legal system for where they live and gotten a divorce.  The quote below offers an angle to consider:

If you have minor children, moving out of the marital residence can compromise your custody rights. Voluntarily leaving your children in the home with your spouse essentially tells the court you believe the other party is a competent parent. This gives your spouse de facto custody. . .

You will want to documents as much as you can.  If you haven't started this, you might want to try your best to document past abusive events as much as you can.  Courts like documentation, so start journaling dates, times & events.  Some states (or Countries) don't allow recordings in court, but others do.  Even if you can't use a recording in court, it could be beneficial to record abusive dialog.

You might check on the criterion for getting a restraining order for where you live.  If you might qualify for getting one, the courts could force your wife to leave the home.  If she gets physically abusive, you can call the police and file charges against her. Be sure to document any abusive behaviors towards your child, as well.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Unfortunately, you have no power to change her, only she does.  Outer beauty can't make up for abusive behaviors.  If you aren't getting counseling for yourself, it might be something to consider.

Best wishes,

[Mutt]

Hi fedup2017th,

I think the best thing to do is to find an attorney and let her tell me exactly what I should do.

I agree usually an L will give you a free 30 min consultation, I'd suggest to call two or three different L's.

[Harley Quinn]

Have you sought help from a domestic abuse support service in your area?  If there is the risk of physical abuse, they are able to help you to carefully plan for your safety and your son's.  Whether or not you are being physically assaulted, they can offer a lot of support and guidance.  My advocate arranged a free surgery with a family law solicitor, which was really helpful.  They also directed me to free counselling.  If you do intend to leave in time, they can run through fine details with you in your planning to ensure that you consider everything you need to arrange and take with you.

Has your son encountered the same type of abuse that you have?  Witnessed it?  Are you both safe right now?  I can imagine it's disappointing to stay longer when you've set you're heart on getting out right away, and I know what level of courage and determination it takes to make that decision.  :)on't lose heart though.  It's a positive step that you are recognising that you need to protect yourself and not tolerate further abuse.  

I hope that you are able to get all the answers you need quickly so that you can move forwards with careful planning and full awareness of how to protect yourself legally, financially and regards your rights as a parent.  We'd all like you to come out of this in the safest possible way.  

Let us know how you're getting on.  We're here for you.  

Love and light x

[fedup2017th]

I am sorry that I haven't replied until this morning but I don't dare access this site from home. She found out I did years ago and I felt her wrath for a long time.

First a recap, I have decided to do more research and I did get bad advice. I am going to find a lawyer and start the process. As I am, I am going to stay home (if you can call it that). I cannot thank everyone enough for putting some reality into the situation and leaving would quite possible screw me over.

I think going away for a few days is a very good idea. Might be hard being my son plays many sports and one (baseball) which I coach. I will try.

Just this past weekend, I could write 100 posts on what she did to me but the gas lighting is what drives me the most crazy. Also, she truly believes that the things she says to me, I actually said to her. When I left today she said her normal, leave us (yes us she says) and start the process and called me lazy. This after all I did was community stuff, coached my son's team and worked around the house. No time for me at all. Ok, I am digressing. We all now the signs and what they do but it is killing me.

She pinches my son but doesn't physically abuse him. Unfortunately, he loves her so much and is the same relationship with her as I was. She does something, turns it around on him and he tries to then comfort her because then he gets to hold her. She loves him (I guess because she can control him?) and is a good mother when her BPD is not kicking in.

I have been documenting so much of our life together but she sees me writing and gets mad so I miss a lot. Also, she went through my computer at home and found years worth and deleted them and claimed I was turning everything on her when I was the one doing it.

To continue with my random email post, she has hit me but not for some time. I went to the cops and they made me feel like a piece of crap and a lier. My wife is 100 lbs and it quite beautiful and active in the community. Part of her beauty (outside) has kept me dealing with this for so long. Yes, I am vein and love having a wife that looks so young and is in such great shape. That is on me but I am not prefect. I have tried to talk to someone so many times and have not gotten great responses. I am trying to fix myself as to why I stay in a situation like this and all the therapist was concerned about was bashing her and saying her main goal was to have me leave her. Even thought that was on my mind, at the time I was trying to fix me and trying to find ways to cope with the situation.

Next step, get a lawyer and start with my next part of life. I am scared. For years and years of being told I am fat, ugly, nobody likes me, I kind of believe it. I do like being with someone and questions if I am too ugly and fat to find anyone. My self esteem is shot. I guess seeing what I just wrote, I need to talk to someone!

Thank you for your posts and I would love to see responses. It helps me. Also, I am so sorry to EVERYONE on this board to have to have lived like I am now.

[Harley Quinn]

Fed up it sounds like you're ready to take that step to help yourself and your son, which takes a great deal of strength. So despite all that you've been through you have it in you to create a healthier life for yourself and show him the difference.  It is scary and empowering at the same time. We'll be here for you as you heal

Good news that you checked into the implications of leaving.  Best of luck finding the right lawyer. Sounds like you're planning to also find a new therapist?

Can you elaborate on the pinching?  Is this playful or otherwise?  If she's intentionally inflicting pain that is concerning.

Love and light x