Did your pwBPD have "special relationships" with various professionals?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Friends,

My BPDxW befriended several professionals, including her therapist, her doctor, her boss and others, who she invited over to our house for cookouts and other informal events.  Looking back, I question whether it was responsible for these professionals to allow themselves to be drawn into a friendship with my Ex when a boundary would have been more appropriate.  Such friendships clearly colored their business relationships with my Ex and, in my view, compromised their professional objectivity.

The benefit to my BPDxW was that she had leverage to manipulate these professionals into "protecting" her when signs of her disorder surfaced.  They cut her more slack.  They were more tolerant when she acted out.  It was all quite subtle, yet carefully orchestrated by my Ex.

Maybe others have witnessed similar efforts on the part of their pwBPD to manipulate those in professional/supervisory roles?  If so, I would be interested to hear more.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

My BPDxW befriended several professionals, including her therapist, her doctor, her boss and others, who she invited over to our house for cookouts and other informal events.  Looking back, I question whether it was responsible for these professionals to allow themselves to be drawn into a friendship with my Ex when a boundary would have been more appropriate.  Such friendships clearly colored their business relationships with my Ex and, in my view, compromised their professional objectivity.

The benefit to my BPDxW was that she had leverage to manipulate these professionals into "protecting" her when signs of her disorder surfaced.  They cut her more slack.  They were more tolerant when she acted out.  It was all quite subtle, yet carefully orchestrated by my Ex.

Maybe others have witnessed similar efforts on the part of their pwBPD to manipulate those in professional/supervisory roles?  If so, I would be interested to hear more.

LuckyJim

[zachira]

You bring up a very important topic: What is the appropriate relationship for a mental health professional to have with a client? Dual relationships are generally frowned upon and indeed can lead to sanctions or losing a license. A dual relationship is a relationship outside of the professional setting, and in some cases they cannot be avoided, especially in small communities.
Mental health professionals have to work hard to be objective and not take sides. Indeed when anybody sides unconditionally with another, this is harmful as it does not allow that person to see the big picture. Many clients present themselves as victims, and in many ways they usually are. However for the client to make progress, he/she needs to see what their part is, and to make changes in themselves, as we cannot change another person.
Clients with BPD are considered to be a mental health professional's worst nightmare, because one day the client loves the counselor, and another day hates him/her. A good mental health professional is aware of this dynamic and does not seek to have their needs for love and caring met with clients.
Going to cook outs at your house is completely unprofessional, and indeed would be a red flag for any state agency overseeing mental health professionals. Do these people actually attend these events? Do they consider your wife a friend or is this just her version of events?
I hope I have in some way addressed your concerns.
Keep us posted on how you are doing and how we can help.

[Insom]

Interesting topic, LuckyJim.  I like the points zachira made.

The benefit to my BPDxW was that she had leverage to manipulate these professionals into "protecting" her when signs of her disorder surfaced.

Were you in the relationship when this was happening?

[Lucky Jim]

A good mental health professional is aware of this dynamic and does not seek to have their needs for love and caring met with clients.  Going to cook outs at your house is completely unprofessional, and indeed would be a red flag for any state agency overseeing mental health professionals.

Agree, zachira.  Presumably the same would be true for a medical doctor socializing with a patient, as well as a boss socializing with an employee in a context that was non-job related.  Like many with BPD, my Ex was good at blurring the boundaries of these professional relationships.

Were you in the relationship when this was happening?

Sure, Insom, it happened when we were married.

Back then, I didn't question it, yet to be honest, I had never heard about BPD.  I assumed these folks were "friends" of my Ex because they reciprocated and invited us over to their houses for meals and events, too.

Looking back, I can see that it was a serious conflict of interest on the part of all these professionals.  It was a way for my Ex to ingratiate herself with these people who were in influential positions in my Ex's life.

It's true that I neglected to call any of these professionals on the carpet about it; on the other hand, I was neither their patient nor employee.  I neglected to call my Ex on it, either, because, as we all know, I was walking on eggshells and it would have caused a firestorm. 

I'm wondering if others have noticed a similar pattern?

LJ

[Insom]

Looking back, I can see that it was a serious conflict of interest on the part of all these professionals.  It was a way for my Ex to ingratiate herself with these people who were in influential positions in my Ex's life.

Congrats on recognizing the conflicts!   What did it feel like for it to dawn on you that these behaviors by professionals in your and your ex's lives were not OK?

I'm wondering if others have noticed a similar pattern?

Yes, I've noticed this with family members and have often wondered why/what is happening?

[toomanydogs]

I'm wondering if others have noticed a similar pattern?

LJ

Yep. My STBX told me he used to meet at bars with his psychiatrist back when he was in his 20s. I have no way of knowing if this is true, but... .

The P he had from 2010 until at least 2017 (don't know if he's still a client) blurred boundaries with him. She helped him find an apartment. She attended (or attends) all the meetings he has with his lawyer. And... .

When he started traveling in May of 2017, she was okay (at least she said she was okay) if no one knew where my STBX was going. According to her diagnosis, my STBX has a form of schizophrenia along with the BPD. I've known parents of adult schizophrenics who have disappeared on the streets, and it's terrifying.

However, my STBX has money, and I always attributed her being so lax with boundaries because of the payout. All the other mental health people he told me about, I figured the same thing happened.

His therapist never violated a boundary, and my STBX stopped seeing him.

Interesting thread,

TMD

[Lucky Jim]

Congrats on recognizing the conflicts!   What did it feel like for it to dawn on you that these behaviors by professionals in your and your ex's lives were not OK?

Thanks, Insom.  Upon having this realization, I felt disillusioned that so-called professionals had behaved in ways that were less than ethical.  Call me naive, but I expected more from the therapist, doctor and boss.  It was eye-opening and another example of how my BPDxW was capable of manipulating others to her own advantage (including me, until I wised up about BPD). 

It's also sad because she has employed these same skills to keep me at a distance from our kids by using a lawyer who is another "family friend" to pervert justice and prevent me from having a healthy r/s with my own kids.

It's all very subtle until you feel the knife in your back.

LuckyJim

[zachira]

Unethical professionals continue to practice because nobody complains to the professional associations and state agencies that oversee them. I have learned that is it important to listen to complaints as most of the time people don't say anything, and if I hear the same complaint from more than one person than I really need to take into consideration the merits of the complaints. 
Most unethical people rule by intimidating others to the point that they don't speak up.

[Lucky Jim]

Unethical professionals continue to practice because nobody complains to the professional associations and state agencies that oversee them.

Agree, that's the problem.  I wonder if I even would have had standing to complain, since I was not the patient of the T or the MD.  Plus, as a practical matter it would have been like dropping a bomb on my marriage and, as a result, would have been unthinkable for me.

Most unethical people rule by intimidating others to the point that they don't speak up.

Same could be said for my BPDxW!  Silence is the ally of abusers and unethical people.

LJ

[Starfire]

My ex pwBPD did not exhibit this behavior.  However, I've had a personal relationship with professionals before and thought I might offer my perspective.

First, let me say that I can't imagine any situation where this would be acceptable or appropriate for a mental health professional.

I have a friend of many years who met a woman and began dating her.  Meanwhile, I discovered a new doctor and became her patient.  My friend fell in love.  I really really liked my new doctor.  Turns out... .it's the same person.  I found out at a cookout at my friend's house.  They are now married, she's still my doctor and now also my friend by virtue of her becoming my friend's wife.  It hasn't ever felt weird.

I have had many bosses who I've been friends with.  I've attended dinner parties and other events outside the office with them.  There are 2 that I am still close with even though I don't work for them anymore.  I also have direct reports that I consider friends and with whom I attend outside events.  This does require a significant amount of purposeful balance.  Everyone involved must exhibit ethical behavior both in the office and outside of the office.  It's worth noting that at all of the events outside the office, there are other colleagues present.  It's not like my boss invites only me somewhere; most often there are other members of the team invited as well.  This can be perfectly above board provided that all parties have the maturity to balance this type of situation.

[Lucky Jim]

Starfire: Agree that mental health professionals and doctors should be held to a high standard and maybe it's a little different for bosses, though the potential for conflict is still there if one employee is getting special treatment.

I included bosses because it was all part of my BPDxW's pattern.  I think it was more egregious for her therapist and doctor to attend cookouts and other social events at our house for the reason mentioned: it opened the door to subtle manipulation on the part of my BPD Ex.

LJ