Has Your Taste in Partners Changed?

[Lucky Jim]

Jeffree: Maybe there is life on Mars!   

Insom: One thing I've noticed about my choice of partners is that I used to look for women who were attracted to me, which is one reason why the intensity and love bombing by my BPDxW proved so effective and compelling.  These days I look for women who I find attractive, which is a subtle, yet important difference.  Of course there still needs to be chemistry and the sense that feelings are mutual, yet the starting point is different than it used to be for me.

LJ

[gotbushels]

... .

Yes! I agree so much with what you said here. To me, what you said is so much about balancing being okay without actually waiting?  

its also true i think, that the older we get, the smaller the pool of healthy, or qualified mates there are

Yes!

if i met my ex today, it would fizzle out quickly because we wouldnt have that unhealthy, yet dysfunctionally compatible, "click".

Yes! I feel like the audience member for one of those "what's more" infomercials.  

I have asked myself; if I met someone like my ex--what would I do? That question came about when a friend suggested that a new prospect I was seeing "looks just like my ex" (the pwBPD one)     (thoughts: "wow oh what really... .woops?) I would probably decrease my interest at every corresponding thing that doesn't look like where I want to be. For example, when a prospect shuts me down repeatedly when I want to discuss something, or not keeping her side of a "story" (e.g., standing me up!) Hindsight is nicely 20/20, and I'm happy to report that what I set out to do fits with what I would want to do if I met someone like my ex, or someone I wouldn't want to date. I hope things have been paying off nicely for everyone here in some way.  

[Insom]

Hi, gotbushels! 

I'm glad I checked back in because this paragraph you wrote feels inspiring and I missed it the first go-round.

. . . the glue to going forward was realising that a lot of what the *non* brings to each instance of dysregulation are qualities of openness, empathy, and in want of a healthy relationship. The realisation that these qualities are represented by the *non*--that observation is what gives permission to chase those things you want in life, outside and beyond the relationship with the pwBPD.

It sounds like what you're saying is that there's a seed of hope at the center of these relationships.  Would it be fair to say that they're clarifying?  FWIW, my ex with BPD helped me clarify in a big way what I did and didn't want in a relationship going forward.  Without the intense relationship experience I had with my BPD-ex I wonder where I may have ended up relationship-wise.  Did he help me "work something out?"  Might I have missed out on the qualities I love in my husband because I wouldn't have been ready for them?  Did my ex help make me ready for a more mature relationship?
 

Jeffree:

The other day I chatted up an artsy-fartsy type gal at the checkout at a local grocer. This was my first attempt at dusting off my schtick

Ha!  I love this.  It's fun to start flirting again when you haven't done it in a long time.  How are things going out there?

Lucky Jim:

One thing I've noticed about my choice of partners is that I used to look for women who were attracted to me, which is one reason why the intensity and love bombing by my BPDxW proved so effective and compelling.  These days I look for women who I find attractive, which is a subtle, yet important difference.

Yes!  I applaud this.  One thing that's felt hard for me in life in general is understanding what I want as opposed to understanding how to please.  This is big, imho.

gotbushels:

I have asked myself; if I met someone like my ex--what would I do?

Interesting question.  Since I'm in a committed relationship it's kind of moot for me, though I do still find people who look and present themselves like my ex to be very interesting.  I'm not sure I'm attracted to them though. 


 

[gotbushels]

Hi Insom  

Might I have missed out on the qualities I love in my husband because I wouldn't have been ready for them?  :)id my ex help make me ready for a more mature relationship?

Fab questions. I'd like to see what someone else has to say about this one.  

Since I'm in a committed relationship it's kind of moot for me, though I do still find people who look and present themselves like my ex to be very interesting.  I'm not sure I'm attracted to them though.  

Hmm! Well what are you sure of--do you have any more to add on your type?   I'll scoot over and make some room in this boat with once removed.

It sounds like what you're saying is that there's a seed of hope at the center of these relationships.  

Seed of hope? Not sure what you mean   --hope for--?

Would it be fair to say that they're clarifying?  FWIW, my ex with BPD helped me clarify in a big way what I did and didn't want in a relationship going forward.  

Yes. Certainly; clarifying. I feel the same way too. I wrote a list of limits after the pwBPD relationship--it basically ended up being a whole bunch of things I didn't want.   Put differently--I share this next bit not to discredit pwBPDs, but to support other nons call the benefit for how it is--I guess the pwBPDex helped me create a laundry list of everything I don't want. Thus, clarity.  

Without the intense relationship experience I had with my BPD-ex I wonder where I may have ended up relationship-wise.  Did he help me "work something out?"  

I've often wondered the same thing. I guess that question has been part of the reflection and recovery. I think there was a user (mod?) here who shared that when the benefits (includes learning) outweigh the anger, that's when the image of the relationship goes from a "I wish I never met her" to "I'm glad I did, but if I had a choice, I'd skip the relationship". So yes--"how did this experience help me", I'm wondering right there with you.  

I have a near certainty that my relational life is nowhere near as high quality as it is today if it wasn't for that crumby encounter with the pwBPD. If I could have got just the goods without the crumby relationship, I'd still take that choice.  

[heartandwhole]

What an interesting thread!

Since my breakup, I feel that stability is high on my list.    Someone who knows what he wants (which means I need to know what I want, too).

The intensity that I experienced with pwBPD is something that I am not looking for. Intimacy, yes. Intensity for intensity's sake, no thanks. I've found that the most intense feelings don't necessarily mean that there is some kind of profound/fated connection. It can actually mean trauma bonding, neediness, dysfunction.

Nothing against passion, mind you. But I think nowadays I'm more into laughter and joy, shared values, willingness to be vulnerable, more than excitement and challenge. 

heartandwhole

[Jeffree]

Ha!  I love this.  It's fun to start flirting again when you haven't done it in a long time.  How are things going out there?

It is the wild, wild West out there.

Waaaaay back in November there was an attractive woman at my brother-in-law's family's Thanksgiving dinner. I had already been warned about her by my sister. She's been on various street and non-Rx drugs over the years, drinks too much, doesn't have much going for her, has some phantom BF who never shows up at anything... .I was not going to try anything other than chat her up.

Well, the other day my sister was told that I was not welcomed to my BIL's family's Easter dinner because apparently I tried to jam my tongue down said attractive woman's throat. For some reason this woman is making a mountain out of a friendly goodbye peck, the same goodbye peck I gave to all those who such a farewell and thank you was warranted.

I swear... .is it me?

J

[calledandchosen]

Yes--great thread!

I still want the intensity of a partner who believes his feelings and emotions are important--enough to express them to me, and brutal honesty.  I don't like having to read a man's mind.

I would rather deal with a man's anger at me than silent treatments or other games. 

BPDpeople can seem assertive, strong and passionate compared to others when it comes to being in touch with their feelings, but that's because they lead with their negative emotions and don't consider the people around them when they do so.  It's rare to meet people who positively own their own emotions, but I'm not giving up.  It's so attractive.

[Cromwell]

Has your taste in partners changed since getting out of a relationship with someone with BPD?

Mine did, though there was an adjustment period.  As a younger person I found myself attracted to charismatic guys.  Unusualness was attractive to me as was boys/men with distinctive traits like tallness, sharp verbal wit, high intelligence, etc.  

Now it's kindness that attracts me.

How about you?

I often sought out women who I was heavily infactuated with and if we clicked emotionally, id see that as a positive byproduct to try a r/s with.

I still find it hard to look beyond sexual appeal, although I have found my taste in partners change subtly towards women that can offer a more caring and compassionate side. Probably due to the outfall from my ex, I see these qualities as sexually attractive by themselves.

what I can say is that in the past I overlooked a lot of serious character flaws in my partners due to them having high physical attractiveness ratings, at the same time I ended r/ships with women that did not look as attractive but were kind natured. I think maybe my experience with BPD, I reaped what i sowed in my 20s ive hurt some people due to my superficiality and I feel not only bad for it, but that I genuinely lost out because of it.

im in my early 30s, unmarried with a step child i am close to from a previous r/s. my taste in partners hasnt changed substantially except that I wont trade good looks for nastiness like I did with my BPDx. Ive had dates with good looking women but I havent been able to click emotionally and a big part of that is this need to have a partner where there is some element of dysfunctional behaviour. Im working hard on myself to realign this and search for more stability and finding someone who can excite me but in a positive non-toxic way.

[gotbushels]

   calledandchosen

I would rather deal with a man's anger at me than silent treatments or other games.  

Me too, I'd feel the same way with a relationship with a female partner. We're not alone on this one as a close female friend shared nearly the exact same idea with me--she too likes to talk things though.

I still want the intensity of a partner who believes his feelings and emotions are important--enough to express them to me, and brutal honesty.  I don't like having to read a man's mind.

Just chiming in to share this thing.

I think it's okay not to read a partner's mind. I don't expect that of my partner either. I think it helps to communicate this clearly with a future partner too.

I think this would have been almost impossible with my ex--if I can't read her mind, then I "don't love her", and a breakup sequence would then follow.   I think we can feel safe to move past that for ourselves--why set an expectation for us to mindread our partners? I wouldn't even expect this superhuman feat of a pwBPD's therapist. It think it's no longer necessary to expect ourselves to have supernatural power if we aren't dating a pwBPD.  

[Insom]

calledandchosen:

I still want the intensity of a partner who believes his feelings and emotions are important--enough to express them to me, and brutal honesty.  I don't like having to read a man's mind.

Iinteresting!  I think I get what you mean by intensity.  Can you say more about "brutal honesty?"  What does a positive mix of intensity + brutal honesty look like to you?

Cromwell: 

my taste in partners hasnt changed substantially except that I wont trade good looks for nastiness like I did with my BPDx . . .  Im working hard on myself to realign this and search for more stability and finding someone who can excite me but in a positive non-toxic way.

It sounds like you've added a criteria to what your'e looking for in a relationship.  In addition to physical attractiveness/excitement you're also seeking a degree of stability and that kindness may or may not feel like an attractive quality at the moment.  You're open to kindness being attractive though it hasn't felt exciting to you in the past. 

[DogMan75]

No. His illusion was the type of person I am attracted to.

I like that. I kept beating myself up for deluding myself, but really, how could I have seen? She was a master of playing a role. Even after learning what she was, there were still facets I didn’t, couldn't see until after it was all over.

There was nothing wrong in the qualities I found attractive in her. It just turns out some of those qualities weren’t real.

[Harley Quinn]

HQ:
Interesting, indeed!  Would you care to share a bit about the work you're doing?  (No pressure.  On my own journey & interested in how others are handling self-learning.)

I don't believe I answered your question Insom. Yes, when it comes to relationships I've reached the understanding that I'm drawn to those who fill a need in me. Consciously I don't want to be with someone because of need. I consider myself a highly independent person so realising that unconscious needs have been driving my decision making in this area doesn't sit well with me at all. I've always described a healthy r/s as one where two people are together not out of any need for one another but because they want to be together, regardless of the fact they don't need to be. I hope that makes sense as it's crazy o'clock here. Anyway I want to be with someone that compliments me rather than completes me. I'm working on removing the unhealthy needs.

Love and light x