What helps with your detaching?

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Talking with friends and family about our relationship and hearing time and time again that he was the one with a problem and that it's not my fault and that he wasn't good for me. Because I have difficulty seeing that myself.

I hear you. This has been a problem for me as well. It is easier to take all the blame because that way I can have my illusion of being in control of the situation. I have been terrified that it is me who is mentally ill/broken/twisted. I still have these fears at times. Well, I have this "white knight syndrome", and this is the opportunity of my life to fix this and get rid of the role of caretaker. It sucks, but it is something I must do.

No contact and knowledge are great tools to get our heads straight.

And I want to thank the people in this forum. Without you this would have been a lot harder than it already is. You are so cool!

[MyBPD_friend]

Thank you Harley. I  stay NC, now since two months.

I've worked a lot at our house, built a new terrace,  improved the garden. Also I'll take a trip to Antwerpen with my wonderful and understanding wife in two weeks.
Try to keep busy with my business.

It all helps healing - I  would lie to say I don't think of her anymore.

Good luck and happiness to everyone.

[Harley Quinn]

Wow, thanks everyone for your input here.  There really are some excellent thoughts going into this (too many to pick from right now!) and I hope this collective strategy will be helpful for new members and existing alike to read.

I'll be back to pick up on some comments that have really stood out soon.

Thank you so much for sharing your journeys.

Love and light x 

[Getoverit]

I've tried a lot of things. I often would feel confident that I'm over him and would answer his calls or respond to a text. But, after several episodes of the same tiring pattern of abuse, I've decided to compleley go 'no contact'. What has helped me is to keep a journal documenting my feelings, the abuse, my responses, his responses. Because he is so hostile with me I have kept most of his voicemails. When I'm feeling nostalgic I will remind myself of why this relationship is over by listening to his voicemails. I don't need to listen to the whole thing--within seconds I am so disgusted that I put my phone down and shift focus. It seems a bit masochistic but it has been working for me. Hopefully with time he will reimagine his memories of me and live peacefully. I am damaged by having known him but I have learned a lot from the destruction. And by having to build myself back up I can now focus on my needs and not his. Remember ya'll: You can't ever MAKE anyone happy. The borderline will try to convince you that you are responsible for this, but that's yet another example of how he/she shifts blame, finds fault in all you do and don't do, so that you stick around as a punching bag. Ask yourself: At what expense are you willing to pay someone else for doing him/her a favor? For those who have children or any loved one, would you wish this relationship on them? Value yourself as you value those you love and stop engaging in a borderline's destructive behavior.