Jackie59,
Much of your story and reaction is the same as mine... .soon after I "peeked behind the curtain" and started looking at BPD. In my case a therapist saw my wife in action and recommending I read SWOE (stop walking on eggshells) if you haven't read it... .get it and read it... .yep... privately.
She said I wasn’t there for her emotionally. Which is a bunch of bull.
OK... I'm a very thoughtful person. ESTJ. My wife is INFP. So, I still get accused "of being a robot" sometimes. Basically, I will have a thoughtful reaction first and then "react" emotionally. My wife does the opposite. Toss in a PD (personality disorder) and she does the opposite with a great deal of "rigidity" and inability to "see" that anyone else could be different.
Hang with me here... . I get that in your analysis you were there for her. I'm sure you were.
However, in her world, you were NOT there for her.
Do NOT try to convince her otherwise Over time, we can teach you have to validate and "listen" to this point of view, without agreeing with it. And without "invalidating" it.
It won't "fix" anything, yet it will make things run smoother.
The fact that I am enabling her to sin. I’d never thought of it that way before.
Do others see this point?
I posted about this in the other thread. The point of enabling is one to consider carefully.  :)on't automatically "declare yourself guilty". Others can help you "see" more clearly.
Her psychiatrist who also sees me told me about the BPD. I’ve researched and learned a lot. It’s made me look at our entire life together differently.
Yep... life looks different. Keep learning. 2 months from now it will look different than now.
My hope is that YOU will have more hope because YOU have realized there are things you can do to make a positive difference in your relationship, even if your wife doesn't "want to".
The first talk I had with my wife was about six months ago. She will not admit fault. She says she doesn’t remember all the abuse. And that she didn’t mean it.
This is frustrating... .dealing with a person with a different reality. For now, I would limit the thoughts that you have about "forcing" her to "admit fault".
We'll get back to that later.
Then she charms which is nothing great. It’s just her being normal. That never lasts long. She gets abusive again. This has happened six times now.
This is critical. After you answer Skips 25 words or less thing, I would hope you can describe the "pattern" of 6 times. It's good you see the cycle.
Once you understand the cycle... you can change it Best thing is you don't need your wife's permission.
What it comes down to is that I realized a while back that I don’t love her anymore. I feel our marriage has been a sham. I look back at everything differently now.
Be careful about considering the past too much. Look for patterns and lessons, yet spend most time focused on now. The next argument... the next hateful text... the next (fill in blank). Because you can change the cycle there.
The past sucks... .it was abusive, it will need to be dealt with at some point... but I assure you it's not going anywhere. The future is still up in the air... .focus on "sending it" where you want it to go.
Hang in there, the fire hose of information will be coming at you for a while.
FF