My husband needs help: I love him but relationship isn't healthy

[FionaCPD1]

I'm really stressed.  I lost my job at the end of May.  My husband's daughter (my step-daughter) is possible mentally ill.  My husband spends too much money.  I have generalized anxiety disorder.  I'm seeing a therapist and she's helping a lot.  I have a loving family and friends; I contact them when I need someone to talk to.  

My husband and I are start seeing a marital counselor tomorrow; and I have an interview.  I don't intend for my sentences to be short, I just can't.  I don't even have the strength to scream right now.  

It's possible my husband has BPD.  I told him we need to go to counseling; I'd also like for him to get assessed for BPD and commit to a year in therapy.  He agreed to the marital counseling.  I'm hoping it we help him get help.

I not scared.  I'm sad.  I love him but my relationship isn't healthy.  We just bought a new house too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[loyalwife]

Hi FionaCPD1,

    It sounds as though the stresses have hit all at once! Life throws us curb balls sometimes, and for a person with uBPD added stresses makes matters worse. Does your step-daughter live with you? Does she interact with you husband? It is good that you have a support system that you can call on when feeling overwhelmed.  It's also good that you are seeing a therapist.
    Marriage counseling with someone that has BPD, is tricky. I say this because I spent six months going with my husband, only to have him use it as a whipping post for me. The therapist will try to keep the conversation on the issues, but it can get out of line. After my husband threw keys at me and ran away (literally up and ran) from her office, I knew that the best thing for me to do was to take care of myself. He didn't think anything was wrong with him, and if I just changed my behavior it would be fine. It was good though as the therapist will have a chance to view your relationship. Usually they will not talk to you unless it is both of you. I did have the ability to get some insight after my husband ran away as she confided in me that some people will never see that they need help. I do wish you luck on your sessions, as each couple has specific dynamics. Hopefully, this will be an enriching experience for both of you.
     It is understandable that you want your husband to get help.  You love him and don't like to see him suffer. Unless though they believe that they can benefit from therapy, they won't go. You though can find ways of coping with the situation that will better you and in the end, help him. This site is full of these tools of detaching and other methods that work. You will find that you can change your way of responding.
     Being sad is a normal feeling under the circumstances. Dreams and hopes are on the line, and even though they were important even a few minutes ago, the pwBPD can throw them away with the sheer thoughts that run through their minds. It isn't our thinking, it's theirs.  Having a future to look forward to is a human condition that fits into needs. It's hard to watch someone deliberately destroy these hopes with words and actions, and turn around and act as though it never happened and that they are happy.
     I wish you the best.  Good luck on your job interview. 

[FionaCPD1]

Thanks my step daughter does not live with us and she's out of state.  Thank you for listening.  I have the "stop walking on eggshells" book.  It just sucks and I needed to vent.  I know we won't be in marital counselor forever.  We tried it before we were married and stop because we both thought it made things worse (I know that doesn't make sense).  So I have an end date of three months of marital counseling and then he needs to go to individual therapy or I'm leaving.  I'm willing to continue with marital counseling but he's becoming really verbal and emotionally abusive; and it's not healthy for me.  I'm sad that maybe he won't get help and then I'll file for divorce.  Yesterday, I was telling myself "it's okay to still love him and divorce him".  But sometimes I wonder if I really know him at all, since I think he has BPD now.  This is where I'm at now.