My fiancé and I got into a terrible fight now he may leave

[Shottsy85]

I have been away from this forum for a while. Things seemed fk be going well. My fiancé and I were getting ready for our wedding he for a promotion I have been working hard, we have had fighting about finances but all in all we were doing so much better. However one thing that is a constant fight is sex and my lack of time and wanting to do things with him. He has broken my trust a lot in the past and I have been working to trust him again since he has been faithful and went through dbt and is in therapy.

 Anyways, jump to last Tuesday, we had had a wonderful day and everything seemed great and then he started sort of pressuring me wanting things to end in sex and I knew that’s what he wanted. I was tired and didn’t really want to but I knew we wouldn’t have another opportunity as I was going out of town soon. I had one expectation and he had another and basically ruined the moment for me (as he does frequently) I tried to express that I didn’t like how he said something and tried to tell him what I wanted instead and he cuts me off as he frequently does with his famous phrase “I don’t want your lectures!” I tried to calmly talk to him but he antagonized me by repeating the same phrases over and over and talking over me and escalating me. I told him to stop and to please let me talk. He wouldn’t and got more belligerent and things continued to escalate until I finally snapped and tried to shove a shirt in his mouth to shut him up. He was horrified and I apparently triggered his childhood abuse. I felt bad even though he wasn’t a saint I still apologized and we wound up having makeup sex and I thought we’d get through it talk about the incident in couples counseling and work past it. The next day he is telling me I punched him in the phase and he is not ok and I broke what little trust he has and then he has been basically giving me the silent treatment and wanting space. We went to a couples session and he isn’t sure if he wants to stay with me now. He wanted like weeks of space but it’s five months until our wedding so me and my therapist have agreed he can take one week to decide while I’m on my trip if we are going to work through this and go through with the wedding or if he doesn’t want to work through it.

 We have been together 11 years and I am heartbroken but also angry because he brings out the worse in me and badgered me until I lost my ___ and now he gets to be the victim. He isn’t even addressing all of the ___ he did that lead up to that.  I also don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose him and he won’t give me an answer and I am having a horrible time giving him space. I just want to hug him and for us to be together and for it to all be ok, but I don’t know what he is going to do. I don’t know what to do other than respect his space and time to make a decision but it just doesn’t seem fair.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Shottsy85,

I'm sorry you and your fiancee are struggling over these issues. Our partners can certainly make us feel very distressed and if they are verbally bashing us we probably often wish they would stop talking, but we must make sure we use the best methods we possibly can to communicate. As a discussion escalates into a fight things can get very out of control and that is dangerous for both parties.  

My SO has put a lot of pressure on me sexually and it has pushed me very far at times.

If you had it do over what do you think you could have done instead of getting to the point where you shoved something into his mouth?

sincerely, pearl.

[desperate.wife]

You should ask yourself if you are satisfied with your sex life. From my experience these issues doesn’t go away. At the beginning (15 ago) he wanted a lot and everywhere. At friend’s home, in the boat, in the street… And frankly speaking most of time it felt forced. He never read my body language, never cared about my needs. Over years, I managed to slow him down, to let him know things I liked, but it was always hard work, lot of asking and reminding. After baby, we had much less sex because of lack of sleep. He seemed understanding. Till he exploded and now he wants to sleep with everyone.

So think carefully. If you can, talk to him about it when he is in good mood. They can hardly listen when they are in the sex mode. I think it hurts their pride or something.  He has already broken your trust. Only you can know how he feels about it. And how sincere he is. Is ruined moments and feeling pressured is what you want? How do you feel about it?

Maybe space is what you both can benefit from now. Think about your sex life and do you want it to be like that the rest of your life? It is not little thing to ignore.

Mine too manages to get me apologise in the end. what the heck?

[Shottsy85]

So to update I went on my trip to Baltimore and we took space. He off and on treated me like ___, being cold or belligerent when we’d speak but then he would want support from me. Not once did he ask how MY weekend was going but would bitch to me about what was going on in his life.

When I got home he was kind and affectionate for the evening. I thought things would be ok. We went to our couples counseling session and she is supposedly versed in dbt and specialized in borderline but it’s like she didn’t see through his ___. I felt crazy. I brought up about him crazy making while I was on my trip meaning he would tell me how he was depressed and not ok and then two texts later he would ignore me asking if he needed to talk and send me stupid texts or Cat pictures trying to be funny. Basically mind ___ing me. We let HIM start off the session since he was supposed to have made a decision afterall and he says he will only go forward with the relationship if I have DBT and anger management. I said fine but then when it was my turn about what HE would work on I brought up a lot because so many things lead up to that fight and all of his triggering and baiting needed to be addressed. So after everything he has shut down again still hasn’t given an answer on if he is staying in the relationship to work through things or not so the therapist said to give him 24 hours to decide. So now I’m really upset and stressed we are supposed to be giving space basically NC for 24 hours for him to figure it out. Meanwhile I’m pretending like everything is ok to family and friends who are making wedding arrangements because it’s supposed to be in four months. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this right now. It doesn’t seem fair. I told him I am comitted to working through this in therapy and that it will be hard but we need to know if we are staying in the relationship and working through it but he just says he doesn’t know.

[pearlsw]

Hi Shottsy85,

So you want to work on the relationship, but feel he is not fully committed to it and that is making it hard for you to work on it as well?

You express some doubts about your therapist. Have you asked him/her about this? That you feel they do not seem to recognize (at times?) the difficulties of being in such a relationship?

One thing you might want to consider is just focusing as best you can on yourself and adjusting your expectations regarding your partner. I know this is not easy, but I've noticed myself over the years that a lot of freedom (and relief from pain) comes from realizing you have no control over what the other person says, does or feels. None. So if you are expecting a 505/50 situation, I do this, you do that, it will likely end up in a lot of pain for you. I am not saying you can't have any expectations regarding your partner, but I think when you put the focus on yourself you will likely find you feel better.

Are you concerned the wedding may not happen?

take care, pearl.