Taking space to think, hoping to break the numbness and live a bit

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all,

I probably straddle the space between Bettering and Conflicted more than is usually apparent - or do ya'll know me better than I do myself?  I'm gonna park this here because people know me a little better here and because under all of life's circumstances I am committed to bettering things, even if it is just a better breakup, or getting along better until if/when that day comes.

sincerely, pearl.  

written over the last few days for myself:

My SO told me he would “wait for me 100 years” to decide whether or not to be together - that he could be that patient, he says. But he has impulse issues and pressures me constantly to LOVE him more so that means nothing in practice I'm sad to say. (He thinks I don't LOVE him because of how he's treated me over the years)

He put a lot of pressure on me to go to a family (his side) wedding with him last weekend and I went. It’s not like me to bow to such pressure, but he had been easier to get along with lately and it felt like I should just go ahead and try if we are to have any chance. My primary reason for not wanting to go was that he exposed all of our private marital problems to them (oh well), and then told me they all hate me (okay, but... ), are not my family, don’t want me in their family (he knew having his family as my own meant a lot to me as my immediate family fell apart when I was a kid), etc., many times… (He's offered to fix all this.) We’ve been in an ongoing rolling crisis for many years now. He has, from the get go, been breaking up and this led to major problems that we may or may not move forward from.  It might be possible now that he is taking medication and therefore able to manage his moods better.

Out of a sense of duty, obligation, and protectiveness I decided to go ahead and go - I don’t like to be difficult or stubborn, but I was torn because it also felt like, if I walk around with him and represent myself as a couple with him, that I am somehow undermining my view of the relationship. If someone is abusive towards you people say “Why are you with the person?” not at all getting how complicated and overwhelming emotional abuse can be. I accept that it is my responsibility not to live with abuse, but the path out has a lot of landmines - a major one being when they act “normal” and your mind automatically goes back into “normal” mode, thinking things won’t be repeated because the person has learned “their lesson”, etc.

Anyway….We had to drive a long distance and I wanted to help him drive. I also hadn’t wanted to go because it was a last minute decision, no nice clothes for the occasion, or thought out gifts, just a by the seat of our pants thing. He’s impulsive and not so thoughtful, I like to communicate, plan and know what is going on. It is what it is. This is not my way, but this is not anything I want to struggle over and I managed to help him and he was pleased with what I did which was nice. Good enough relationship-wise for me.

He surprised me on the visit by making a bit of an “Apology Tour” so to speak. He pulled various people aside, not warning me ahead of time which was a bit uncomfortable, and announcing this: “We are trying to work out our problems and want to be together.” This was true for me up to a certain point, but he wore me out. I feel very numb inside and I was waiting until our (seemingly) agreed upon deadline in October to decide. After months of trying and trying I was almost ready to go ahead and declare defeat and focus on work and spending my life alone. (After hundreds of breakups this does not seem so unappealing.  )

He says he is happy. His brain has an amazing knack for forgetting all the tough times. He barely has any life memories at all to be honest, that is how good at forgetting he is.

When he started making his pronouncements about our future in front of his mother, and in another language, I started sputtering, “Huh, what, wait, no, but…” When he described that he’d mistreated me very badly, I interjected with the word “abuse”, that he hadn’t just badly mistreated me, but “abused” me. He picked up and used the word. His mother, widowed and in her 80's, said she was glad to hear him say all this and that this was the best outcome, us remaining together. I know that her husband/his dad was also a brilliant man, but who probably had mental health issues as well that influenced the break up of their marriage. (It ended with her kidnapping two of her four kids, not my partner, he was older, and escaping back to her home country.)

One of his brothers also has mental illness, Schizoid affective disorder, but his wife has a lot of support around her to ground herself. My SO and I have discussed lately (again) how I don’t have a support system around me to help me with his issues. I don’t even have him a lot of the time as he is off in another world or drinking now…though at least he’s nice when he’s drinking for what that’s worth.

He said he “should have started taking medication many years ago”, after his own children were abducted by his ex and he spent years fighting her in courts in three different countries for his kids.  Although on the face of it she was actually the worse parent, had abandoned and abused the kids at points, he pretty much lost everything. I understood and forgave a lot of him in the wake of this, but he pushed us to our breaking point. And I feel damaged by this. My life was in his hands and he simply went too far…

His backstory has a lot to do with why I gave him so many chances. But I had to finally face the fact that even if I had been in his shoes…Well, it’s okay to be angry, to not be perfect, but it was not okay to abuse and torture me, for me to have suffered so because of his relationship history. Sad stuff for us both. Sigh.

For now I am trying to get along, trying to wait and see. I am not ready to say that we can continue together past this year. Even if he’d been an ideal husband, and he’s been the opposite of that, (and I stopped being a great partner plenty along the way myself with all this abuse, pressure and isolation) it would still be hard because I don’t have enough work opportunities in the country we live in. I’ve been contemplating leaving for many years so I can be more independent. I never want my life in the hands of another person like this ever again. He is trying so hard, to the best of his abilities, to repair the damage he’s done…

If we are to stay together I need to see some things. I need to see how long he can go without making a breakup threat or a threat of any kind. Basically, I need to see how close to “normal” we can get things. He’s been breaking up with me on a weekly basis for a very long time, just a few weeks ago actually.

I am convinced the medicine helped, but not that that is the solution to all problems. I have no interest in marital counseling, strangely enough, because when we first got together I asked him to agree we would never suddenly break up, that we would do at least 6 mo’s of counseling before that ever happened. If we do get closer to a break and he asks I’d feel obligated to stick to this…but I think he won’t remember with his poor memory.

I worked so hard, for so long, slowing him down in his extreme efforts to divorce in order to alleviate the suffering of being with me for him. I am simply not ready to decide though. This long, ongoing crisis has left me feeling pretty wiped out. When he says “I love you”, I say “Sometimes” (which we agree is hurtful for him to hear) or “Thank you.” I am sorry for this, but after turning things off and on so many times I don’t want to say it. It makes me feel like a fool. I care about him as a person. I still find him handsome and we still laugh so much together.

But I just can’t let his emotions, his mood swings, run the relationship. I don’t have to love him anymore than I can at the moment just because he's in LOVE…but…I am asking myself, “Do I reinvest in this? Give it my all these next few months? Or do I just let it go?” I hate to go right at the moment he might be improving, but I have seen and heard him say such things before…I know a lot of us…he has some BPD traits, but this is also Depression, and PTSD and maybe ADHD and his BPD stuff…It is just a wall of emotional/behavioral stuff coming at me…I don’t want to feel foolish and let my heart open when…maybe life could be better alone.

I have good self-esteem. I like me. One of the hardest parts of being with him is how it has pushed me to limits, morally, ethically…in every way. I had no idea life could be this hard…and let me tell ya…I had not had a walk in the park prior to this…but I thought I could face anything, anything in life. I'd thought I'd already been through the worst life could offer. But nope. This illness, these traits, whatever this is…is a beast of an illness. It makes cancer look easy by comparison. I don’t give up easily. I know I could make this work actually…improvement might be right at my fingertips…but what would it be exactly? Would it be enough? Or would it be a living death for me?

There are only so many days you want to get up, strap on the sword, and fight the dragons. What if I could just put my feet up and take it easy and laugh…But even through this…oh how we laughed…I could make him laugh…and he has the most beautiful laugh - so free, open, and easy. We are both sad…that it went so far…and neither of us can truly find peace in each other’s arms.

Oh my bb maus, I don’t want to fail you, or break your sweet heart, but today, today I don’t think I can be with you for the rest of our lives. I am so sorry! I wanted to be your dream, but these issues made our lives into a nightmare and we either have to start over completely or…let go in peace. I want peace so much. I’ve been living a life with no future for far too long, waiting for far too long, and I have to save me and my life. Would I be walking out too soon, before the movie is over, or am I too late?

When I think of you crying over this I remember that time after you got the kids out of the war. It took well over a year, every single day was excruciating for you, but you kept fighting with all you had for them, but then you lost them again in that first court hearing because you went soft on your ex, out of love for your kids, and they were kidnapped again. That moment you thought you had them, after thinking you might never see them again at all, and then you lost them again. It was already bad, but then I saw you break and begin to die inside, to slip further down into a well. You on your hands and knees crying, wailing, inconsolable…every battle we fought for them and for you…why did you have to turn on me? Why? I was not naive, I knew I would bear some of the brunt of this extreme situation, but it was so much bigger than I could have imagined. You didn't deserve any of this, I still believe how you and your family represented it to me about the marriage. But I didn’t deserve any of this either…I sacrificed all for you, and stood by you more than anyone has in your entire life. I never wanted anything but your love, but….you didn’t know how to love. And I don’t know how, anymore, to love you.

I need some time to think and regroup. I'm about to go on my solo trip. Here we are taking separate vacations! That is so weird! But I will make the best of it. I'm nothing if not good at making lemonade.



ciao, ciao everyone! wishing you all love! pearl.  

[pearlsw]

Hey all,

I probably straddle the space between Bettering and Conflicted more than is usually apparent - or do ya'll know me better than I do myself?  I'm gonna park this here because people know me a little better here and because under all of life's circumstances I am committed to bettering things, even if it is just a better breakup, or getting along better until if/when that day comes.

sincerely, pearl.  

written over the last few days for myself:

My SO told me he would “wait for me 100 years” to decide whether or not to be together - that he could be that patient, he says. But he has impulse issues and pressures me constantly to LOVE him more so that means nothing in practice I'm sad to say. (He thinks I don't LOVE him because of how he's treated me over the years)

He put a lot of pressure on me to go to a family (his side) wedding with him last weekend and I went. It’s not like me to bow to such pressure, but he had been easier to get along with lately and it felt like I should just go ahead and try if we are to have any chance. My primary reason for not wanting to go was that he exposed all of our private marital problems to them (oh well), and then told me they all hate me (okay, but... ), are not my family, don’t want me in their family (he knew having his family as my own meant a lot to me as my immediate family fell apart when I was a kid), etc., many times… (He's offered to fix all this.) We’ve been in an ongoing rolling crisis for many years now. He has, from the get go, been breaking up and this led to major problems that we may or may not move forward from.  It might be possible now that he is taking medication and therefore able to manage his moods better.

Out of a sense of duty, obligation, and protectiveness I decided to go ahead and go - I don’t like to be difficult or stubborn, but I was torn because it also felt like, if I walk around with him and represent myself as a couple with him, that I am somehow undermining my view of the relationship. If someone is abusive towards you people say “Why are you with the person?” not at all getting how complicated and overwhelming emotional abuse can be. I accept that it is my responsibility not to live with abuse, but the path out has a lot of landmines - a major one being when they act “normal” and your mind automatically goes back into “normal” mode, thinking things won’t be repeated because the person has learned “their lesson”, etc.

Anyway….We had to drive a long distance and I wanted to help him drive. I also hadn’t wanted to go because it was a last minute decision, no nice clothes for the occasion, or thought out gifts, just a by the seat of our pants thing. He’s impulsive and not so thoughtful, I like to communicate, plan and know what is going on. It is what it is. This is not my way, but this is not anything I want to struggle over and I managed to help him and he was pleased with what I did which was nice. Good enough relationship-wise for me.

He surprised me on the visit by making a bit of an “Apology Tour” so to speak. He pulled various people aside, not warning me ahead of time which was a bit uncomfortable, and announcing this: “We are trying to work out our problems and want to be together.” This was true for me up to a certain point, but he wore me out. I feel very numb inside and I was waiting until our (seemingly) agreed upon deadline in October to decide. After months of trying and trying I was almost ready to go ahead and declare defeat and focus on work and spending my life alone. (After hundreds of breakups this does not seem so unappealing.  )

He says he is happy. His brain has an amazing knack for forgetting all the tough times. He barely has any life memories at all to be honest, that is how good at forgetting he is.

When he started making his pronouncements about our future in front of his mother, and in another language, I started sputtering, “Huh, what, wait, no, but…” When he described that he’d mistreated me very badly, I interjected with the word “abuse”, that he hadn’t just badly mistreated me, but “abused” me. He picked up and used the word. His mother, widowed and in her 80's, said she was glad to hear him say all this and that this was the best outcome, us remaining together. I know that her husband/his dad was also a brilliant man, but who probably had mental health issues as well that influenced the break up of their marriage. (It ended with her kidnapping two of her four kids, not my partner, he was older, and escaping back to her home country.)

One of his brothers also has mental illness, Schizoid affective disorder, but his wife has a lot of support around her to ground herself. My SO and I have discussed lately (again) how I don’t have a support system around me to help me with his issues. I don’t even have him a lot of the time as he is off in another world or drinking now…though at least he’s nice when he’s drinking for what that’s worth.

He said he “should have started taking medication many years ago”, after his own children were abducted by his ex and he spent years fighting her in courts in three different countries for his kids.  Although on the face of it she was actually the worse parent, had abandoned and abused the kids at points, he pretty much lost everything. I understood and forgave a lot of him in the wake of this, but he pushed us to our breaking point. And I feel damaged by this. My life was in his hands and he simply went too far…

His backstory has a lot to do with why I gave him so many chances. But I had to finally face the fact that even if I had been in his shoes…Well, it’s okay to be angry, to not be perfect, but it was not okay to abuse and torture me, for me to have suffered so because of his relationship history. Sad stuff for us both. Sigh.

For now I am trying to get along, trying to wait and see. I am not ready to say that we can continue together past this year. Even if he’d been an ideal husband, and he’s been the opposite of that, (and I stopped being a great partner plenty along the way myself with all this abuse, pressure and isolation) it would still be hard because I don’t have enough work opportunities in the country we live in. I’ve been contemplating leaving for many years so I can be more independent. I never want my life in the hands of another person like this ever again. He is trying so hard, to the best of his abilities, to repair the damage he’s done…

If we are to stay together I need to see some things. I need to see how long he can go without making a breakup threat or a threat of any kind. Basically, I need to see how close to “normal” we can get things. He’s been breaking up with me on a weekly basis for a very long time, just a few weeks ago actually.

I am convinced the medicine helped, but not that that is the solution to all problems. I have no interest in marital counseling, strangely enough, because when we first got together I asked him to agree we would never suddenly break up, that we would do at least 6 mo’s of counseling before that ever happened. If we do get closer to a break and he asks I’d feel obligated to stick to this…but I think he won’t remember with his poor memory.

I worked so hard, for so long, slowing him down in his extreme efforts to divorce in order to alleviate the suffering of being with me for him. I am simply not ready to decide though. This long, ongoing crisis has left me feeling pretty wiped out. When he says “I love you”, I say “Sometimes” (which we agree is hurtful for him to hear) or “Thank you.” I am sorry for this, but after turning things off and on so many times I don’t want to say it. It makes me feel like a fool. I care about him as a person. I still find him handsome and we still laugh so much together.

But I just can’t let his emotions, his mood swings, run the relationship. I don’t have to love him anymore than I can at the moment just because he's in LOVE…but…I am asking myself, “Do I reinvest in this? Give it my all these next few months? Or do I just let it go?” I hate to go right at the moment he might be improving, but I have seen and heard him say such things before…I know a lot of us…he has some BPD traits, but this is also Depression, and PTSD and maybe ADHD and his BPD stuff…It is just a wall of emotional/behavioral stuff coming at me…I don’t want to feel foolish and let my heart open when…maybe life could be better alone.

I have good self-esteem. I like me. One of the hardest parts of being with him is how it has pushed me to limits, morally, ethically…in every way. I had no idea life could be this hard…and let me tell ya…I had not had a walk in the park prior to this…but I thought I could face anything, anything in life. I'd thought I'd already been through the worst life could offer. But nope. This illness, these traits, whatever this is…is a beast of an illness. It makes cancer look easy by comparison. I don’t give up easily. I know I could make this work actually…improvement might be right at my fingertips…but what would it be exactly? Would it be enough? Or would it be a living death for me?

There are only so many days you want to get up, strap on the sword, and fight the dragons. What if I could just put my feet up and take it easy and laugh…But even through this…oh how we laughed…I could make him laugh…and he has the most beautiful laugh - so free, open, and easy. We are both sad…that it went so far…and neither of us can truly find peace in each other’s arms.

Oh my bb maus, I don’t want to fail you, or break your sweet heart, but today, today I don’t think I can be with you for the rest of our lives. I am so sorry! I wanted to be your dream, but these issues made our lives into a nightmare and we either have to start over completely or…let go in peace. I want peace so much. I’ve been living a life with no future for far too long, waiting for far too long, and I have to save me and my life. Would I be walking out too soon, before the movie is over, or am I too late?

When I think of you crying over this I remember that time after you got the kids out of the war. It took well over a year, every single day was excruciating for you, but you kept fighting with all you had for them, but then you lost them again in that first court hearing because you went soft on your ex, out of love for your kids, and they were kidnapped again. That moment you thought you had them, after thinking you might never see them again at all, and then you lost them again. It was already bad, but then I saw you break and begin to die inside, to slip further down into a well. You on your hands and knees crying, wailing, inconsolable…every battle we fought for them and for you…why did you have to turn on me? Why? I was not naive, I knew I would bear some of the brunt of this extreme situation, but it was so much bigger than I could have imagined. You didn't deserve any of this, I still believe how you and your family represented it to me about the marriage. But I didn’t deserve any of this either…I sacrificed all for you, and stood by you more than anyone has in your entire life. I never wanted anything but your love, but….you didn’t know how to love. And I don’t know how, anymore, to love you.

I need some time to think and regroup. I'm about to go on my solo trip. Here we are taking separate vacations! That is so weird! But I will make the best of it. I'm nothing if not good at making lemonade.



ciao, ciao everyone! wishing you all love! pearl.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[desperate.wife]

That's lot of thinking. It is a good start.  I have similar doubts.

I don't know what to wish you for your vacation: to do more thinking or not to think about it at all Maybe some distance from these thoughts would be good too. To let mind rest.

One thing you mentioned got me thinking. You say you make him lough. Mine never loughs. Smiles. But I don't think I know his lough. We joke. But real sincere lough... .Weird... .I will have to think about it.

Have great time on your own, you deserved every second of it!

Summer greetings!
desperate.wife
 

[pearlsw]

Summer greetings!
desperate.wife
 

Hey desperate.wife,

Awww. How nice of you to read my giant post!  

I think he laughs, because I laugh and laughing is contagious. So, maybe if you laugh, he would too? I hope!

I like your not thinking idea! That might be good too! I can just try to enjoy!

Happy summer greetings to you too!

take care, pearl.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Pearl

It's okay to just go along with things. I've done things like go to weddings to keep up appearances, even when I really don't want to be there.

The "Apology Tour" would have made my blood boil though! To my thinking, if he ruined your standing in the family by bad mouthing you, he should have corrected it privately and prior to the event. Not drag you around and make you feel uncomfortable with his awkward mea culpa.

I'm sorry you had to go through that... .it's another classic example of the inability to handle emotional situations appropriately.

This is a huge post, full of conflicted feelings! It reminds me of a rhyme I sometimes think to myself:

When troubles are many
And you can't see
The woods for trees
Then let it be

It's okay to do nothing and coast along for a while. You don't feel you can commit but you're not ready to leave. That's okay.

He's only been on antidepressants for a few months, so you may see changes and more stability in the coming months. That may lead to more trust and your feelings may return. Or they won't and it may never be enough.

Let it unfold. You don't need to force your feelings or tell him you love him if you're just not feeling it.

My vote is you go on holiday and don't think much about it. Thinking and ruminating on your break isn't going to solve anything immediately anyway, so give your mind a break.

Be in the moment, do what you want, when you want. Enjoy!

[flourdust]

One thing I notice throughout your post is a whole of what he said vs. not much of what he did.

With most people, what they say is reasonably predictive of their intentions and actions. We know that's not true with BPD. What they say may accurately reflect their feelings or thoughts at that moment ... .often outbursts caused by uncontrolled feelings or distorted memories and cognition. And without the consistent executive function that lets most people follow through from desire to intention to action ... .what they say often goes nowhere.

If you strip away all the things he said, what's left in terms of his actual actions? The apology tour leapt out at me. And that's a pretty weird thing to do, and it's going to come across as weird to most normal people. But a lot of the things he said around the apology tour -- his claims about what his family said and thinks, his claims about his own thoughts and intentions -- none of that is reliable.

I think you generally know all this, and you're right on to be focusing on his actual actions, not words. You're not counting how many times he promises not to threaten you -- you're counting the actual threats. What does your story of the last few days look like if you strip away his unreliable words and simply look at his behaviors?

[starlet564]

Oh Pearl!

How I can identify with so much of what you said. It breaks me heart as your words sound so much like mine.

I’ve forgiven, made excuses and let so much slide because of his sad backstory. The overwhelming pain and hurt that life and circumstances hurled at him especially at such a tender age. That little boy didn’t deserve that.

There’s so much good and good in him. This illness is despicable. I reminisce on how idyllic it was in the beginning. The laughter and sillyness we shared. He often told me he that he prayed for me and was looking for someone exactly like me. How I could heal his pain and hurt and I tried. Oh how I tried! I tried to show him that I loved him for him. Tried to show him that he could always count on me and I would be there for him. It’s never enough though. I’m never enough. Now he complains that I don’t give him what he needs. Like you said Pearl, I don’t think he really knows how to love and sadly (not for lack of trying) I don’t know how to love him especially the way he thinks he needs to be loved. I’m just trying to survive.

[pearlsw]

The "Apology Tour" would have made my blood boil though!

This is a huge post, full of conflicted feelings! It reminds me of a rhyme I sometimes think to myself:

It's okay to do nothing and coast along for a while. You don't feel you can commit but you're not ready to leave. That's okay.

Let it unfold. You don't need to force your feelings or tell him you love him if you're just not feeling it.

My vote is you go on holiday and don't think much about it. Thinking and ruminating on your break isn't going to solve anything immediately anyway, so give your mind a break.

Be in the moment, do what you want, when you want. Enjoy!

Hi SunandMoon,  

Hey, I'm away on my trip. The food has been yummy so far, but I've had a weird eye problem start up and I may find myself at the doctor in a day or two. Then a bird pooped on my arm, which was not very nice.   I got to see some fireworks, with my good eye.  Just kidding, I am still sporting two eyes, but one is burning and making me less cheerful.

Yep. I wish he had not apologized in that way. I tried to talk about it with him later and got hurt. I tried to be very careful about how I worded it, but... .he was still hurt. He said "I can't do anything right!" I said, "no, it's not that". It just caught me off guard and it does not reflect how I feel... .but... .we were both so busy getting ready for our separate trips we just let it go. It feels like we've both gone off in different directions in life for a few weeks here. It could not have been any other way, there was no way I wanted to do a vacation with his kids this time... .and while they were there they complained to their mom about my SO and I being too affectionate, but we couldn't figure out when they us be affectionate. We only could remember one time he hugged me in the hallway, but no one saw us, but maybe he made some noises. No idea. But their mom always interferes with their visits by texting them the whole time. She's gotta make sure my SO has the least amount of time with his kids I guess. Sigh.

It's interesting. I do feel a bit sad today but I think it is just sinking in how alone in life I truly am. How I don't have someone to talk and share my stuff with. I will try again tomorrow. Another person is coming to where I am staying and maybe I will get lucky and we will hit it off. And if not I found out there is an aquarium and a planetarium in this city so... .I'll look into adding those into my plans. I need more time out of my head.

Thanks so very much for your reply! So kind of you!

~pearl

p.s. i like your rhyme! nice!

[pearlsw]

The apology tour leapt out at me. And that's a pretty weird thing to do, and it's going to come across as weird to most normal people. But a lot of the things he said around the apology tour -- his claims about what his family said and thinks, his claims about his own thoughts and intentions -- none of that is reliable.

I think you generally know all this, and you're right on to be focusing on his actual actions, not words. You're not counting how many times he promises not to threaten you -- you're counting the actual threats. What does your story of the last few days look like if you strip away his unreliable words and simply look at his behaviors?

 

Yep. He lies and distorts stuff just to hurt me, and he actually admits to it. He is always convinced he can stop doing such things, but he does the same stuff or new stuff if he's overworked an angle, but he doesn't really ever stop entirely. He does make life hard quite a bit, poor guy. I naturally like to give a person the benefit of the doubt, but he maxed out his relationship credit card a long, long time ago. He says all kinds of things and does not follow through. Marrying me, helping me finish my last degree, helping me find work, he just doesn't focus on the stuff I need him to to make life possible. I don't expect him to do it all for me, no, but it's just hard to be with someone who was previously married and has kids, it is not easy to bring a new person into the fold. For many years I felt like, and was treated like, I was in last hired, first fired status with him.

Man, this right eye is getting cloudy... .gosh I hope this isn't gonna require a doctor. Argh!

Thanks flourdust for the support and insights!

[pearlsw]

Oh Pearl!

How I can identify with so much of what you said. It breaks me heart as your words sound so much like mine.

I’ve forgiven, made excuses and let so much slide because of his sad backstory.

It’s never enough though. I’m never enough. Now he complains that I don’t give him what he needs. Like you said Pearl, I don’t think he really knows how to love and sadly (not for lack of trying) I don’t know how to love him especially the way he thinks he needs to be loved. I’m just trying to survive.

Oh starlet564,

I am so sorry to hear you are facing similar painful stuff!    Yep, yep it is pretty disappointing. He LOVES me but it just seems so hollow to me at this point.

Even when he is around he is off in another world. I sometimes feel like I am more of a doll to him than a human. I dunno.

The sad part for me now is I am seeing... .Well, I am wondering if this experience has damaged me so much I won't want to do another relationship... .Or did I already kinda feel that way?  Living in his crisis life for so long is making it harder for me to access all the sides of me, fully be me really. sigh.

Yes, it is very hard to see someone doing their best to try to love you and being not so great at it. It's a tragedy for my life.

take care, pearl. 

[pearlsw]

He is saying this to me, "I will do anything you want in the world to get your heart back." and I don't know what to say.

[starlet564]

Oh starlet564,

I am so sorry to hear you are facing similar painful stuff!    Yep, yep it is pretty disappointing. He LOVES me but it just seems so hollow to me at this point.

Even when he is around he is off in another world. I sometimes feel like I am more of a doll to him than a human. I dunno.

The sad part for me now is I am seeing... .Well, I am wondering if this experience has damaged me so much I won't want to do another relationship... .Or did I already kinda feel that way?  Living in his crisis life for so long is making it harder for me to access all the sides of me, fully be me really. sigh.

Yes, it is very hard to see someone doing their best to try to love you and being not so great at it. It's a tragedy for my life.

Yes! I know mine LOVES me too, but it’s not enough anymore. He tries and for the most part it’s okay. It’s clearly a sided relationship though.

 He physically drains and exhausts me and I need more sleep and then he’ll try to help me get out of my funk but won’t change any of his behaviors. He doesn’t see that it’s his words and actions that are causing it.

If he would just get help and be willing to talk to someone. He thinks it’s all psychobabble. Thank goodness I’m in therapy. I need it. How about you? I do feel unsure about wanting a relationship. How can I trust again?  Clearly I can’t trust myself to find someone.

He tries so hard but he’s understanding and reality is so altered he thinks I’m the problem and everything is all my fault. Maybe it is.

I’m sure with time we can find ourselves again. And the little pieces of us that we thought we dead will come back. 

[pearlsw]

Yes! I know mine LOVES me too, but it’s not enough anymore. He tries and for the most part it’s okay. It’s clearly a sided relationship though.

I just lost a lot of hope along the way. I could feel my insides just turn to dust. It would take a really concerted effort to fall in love with him again.

He physically drains and exhausts me and I need more sleep and then he’ll try to help me get out of my funk but won’t change any of his behaviors. He doesn’t see that it’s his words and actions that are causing it.

Exactly! And I don't want to make him feel like he can't do anything right because that is not a fun place to be. And he does do some things well enough, close enough.
[/quote]

If he would just get help and be willing to talk to someone. He thinks it’s all psychobabble. Thank goodness I’m in therapy. I need it. How about you? I do feel unsure about wanting a relationship. How can I trust again?

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that! I feel like I am naturally trusting... .it's more about getting my hopes up again for me. I am so tired of thinking I've found the person I could spend my life with, and then having to deal with the hard realization that nope, I haven't, and at my age, it feels like I am getting past a point where any of this is worth it. It is frustrating, disappointing, and exhausting. And even if the guy does not have these issues... .there are always some issues and some disappointment... .and I am burnt out a bit. Words are losing all of their meaning to me... .

Clearly I can’t trust myself to find someone.

I wonder this about myself too. Sometimes I look back and have no regrets and understand my choices, other times I think I did not choose carefully enough. I am just a very open, understanding, flexible, and accepting person so... .I picked people that I just felt a high dose of chemistry with, not really doing a major assessment beyond that. There were always a few things things that seemed to match and that felt like enough. There is no perfect match. If they could kiss and liked me back, off we went! I don't know how I would do it the next time if I ever do this again... .I just wish, this part of life could all be decided once and for all - alone or with a forever person, but just one final decision and then done. I can't stand thinking about this stuff anymore.

I’m sure with time we can find ourselves again. And the little pieces of us that we thought we dead will come back.  

I really agree with you on this! I am sure if I could just make some small improvements in my living situation - get my life back - I'd be much better off.

wishing you the best! thank you so much for sharing! it means a lot to hear your issues and how we match up and differ!

warmly, pearl.

[flourdust]

The sad part for me now is I am seeing... .Well, I am wondering if this experience has damaged me so much I won't want to do another relationship... .

I felt this way when I was in crisis, too (before and shortly after my wife and I separated). Looking back with hindsight, I can say that it's OK, it's just catastrophizing.

To reframe that in a more healthy way -- you don't want the relationship you are in now, you don't want to jump into a new relationship now ... .and you will need some time to heal and recover and then see what the future brings.

You should get that eye looked at. Eyes are nothing to mess with!

[pearlsw]

I felt this way when I was in crisis, too (before and shortly after my wife and I separated). Looking back with hindsight, I can say that it's OK, it's just catastrophizing.

To reframe that in a more healthy way -- you don't want the relationship you are in now, you don't want to jump into a new relationship now ... .and you will need some time to heal and recover and then see what the future brings.

You should get that eye looked at. Eyes are nothing to mess with!

Hi flourdust,

Thank you! My eye is finally getting better, thank goodness! I think by tomorrow it will be near normal again, thank goodness!

I see your point! In my case I would say it isn't so much about catastrophizing, as reaching an age in life where I think I can bow out of the relationship world if I prefer.

It is nice to have a partner, but it is not a driving force in my life the way it has been for the last 30 years. And even so, I don't think I've felt as driven about it since my love life started all those years ago.

I feel like I've seen the range of what is out there, you get some good, you get some bad, etc. But what I don't have the capacity for anymore is take on someone else's life problems... .and since everyone has them... .I inherit theirs. I didn't expect the sheer range of problems and destruction that people can bring. I was pretty open and easy-going and didn't worry much thinking I could handle all that comes in life.

But now I prefer to put my focus in life on myself and my wishes. Sure it is nice to set up life so you have physical affection/contact/intimacy, but... .well, I look at my grandma or great grandma (how they lived) and life without a partner has its perks as well.

I think especially after being with a jealous and sometimes controlling person it will be nice to just feel free and like I can do as I wish without being misconstrued. But in fairness to him, I decided when we started that this would be my last shot at having a life partner. I put a lot into it, it was a huge investment. The risks were great, and it has unfortunately not panned out, but that is okay. Risks are a part of life.

I think it is okay to be single and stay single and not date again for the remainder of my life, however long that is. To be clear, I am sure I could find and form a healthy relationship, I do not doubt this for a minute, what I don't want is waste a lot more time getting to that place when I have so many other priorities and interests that bring me a lot in life. I would not be 100% closed to dating, and I have no doubt I'll be asked out again in life, or could ask someone out if I felt like it. I just no longer feel any strong desire to have a life partner, and perhaps I was never fully into it. I am a healthy person, and there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with me. I just want to build a life around me and not anyone else. I want time to write, and think, and just enjoy the later half of my life. I have had a lot of love in my life, and I'm not at all bitter. I have a lot of love and appreciation for everyone I seriously dated.  I look forward to a better life on the other side of this if we do not stay together in the long run.

thank you so much for ideas and giving me a chance to write and think about this.

~pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hey all, 

I got my first official break up threat of my vacation today. He told me not to write him anymore during my vacation. (Which really means he wants me to write him more and chase him.) And he told me he wants to end the relationship. (Which means he wants me to LOVE him.)

And round and round we go. I find it hard to love him because this is what he does. I tried to head some of this off by writing him and talking once on Skype, I would talk more I suppose, but he has a bad connection... .and he's on vacation and I don't know his schedule anymore than he does... .And parts of mine are fixed and parts are flexible.

But, here he is, again, saying things with the intention of making me feel bad, insecure, unloved, unwanted, because that is the way he feels. But he feels that way because he has alienated me. etc.

Well, anyway, I am doing a cooking class today and I'm going to drink wine and walk around and enjoy my life in every possible way that I can today. I have no control over him. I sent him a nice email before I realized he told me not want to write him anymore. I told him about what I was doing today and some things that are planned for next week.

He arranged a vacation without me in the first place, and this was my response - to live my life as best as I possibly can. Rather than be stuck home without enough food, and nothing to do, and no friends, and having trouble getting to work, I set up my own mini vacation where I can do what I like - learn and have new experiences.

Sigh.

It reminds of how he has probably broken up or threatened me on every single vacation, in one way or another, since I met him. It was smaller at first so I didn't notice it, there were legitimate reasons, and I am not in my home country, so I put it up with more than I would have wanted under normal circumstances, but anyway, there ya have it. He just promised me, was it two weeks ago? He would "never, ever, ever, ever break up with me again." or some such words that have no meaning.

I am not gonna stop him from running to a lawyer. Again. He can go ahead and do so if he likes.

I am going to live my life with or without him. He's left me with no other choice.

~pearl.

[braveSun]

Pearlsw, I'm so sorry for this!... .       

I know how hurtful that is. You are so brave to keep up with your life. Enjoy it while you have your vacation time for yourself. He could have broken up while you were still sitting in front of him and not having any vacations at all.

He told me not to write him anymore during my vacation. (Which really means he wants me to write him more and chase him.) And he told me he wants to end the relationship. (Which means he wants me to LOVE him.)

   There you understand his love language... At least you have some track records to base yourself on. Write to him on some nice postcards, and don't send them to him. Keep them up for later, when he acts better.

  But, here he is, again, saying things with the intention of making me feel bad, insecure, unloved, unwanted, because that is the way he feels. But he feels that way because he has alienated me. etc.

    I don't know your husband, and I as a good non, don't want to see you suffer unnecessarily.  I wonder about the attribution of intention you put in there. He may only be reacting to you being out of reach, without further thinking if any at all. Like he is reacting with no filters on. He might have drunk a bit too much. Who knows?... You put the appropriate BPD filters on and you keep them on, okay?

Sincerely, my thoughts are with you!...  

I hope you enjoy the cooking you made in class and the wine.

Keep on posting, you matter in a straight way over here...

Brave

[pearlsw]

Pearlsw, I'm so sorry for this!... .     

Keep on posting, you matter in a straight way over here...

Brave

Hi Brave,

Thanks, fair point! He could have been drunk or just being his usual dysregulated self due to stress from any number of things, me being away from him and him not hearing from as fast as he'd like. (His kids all have top of the line cell phones actually, I don't. So if he wants to reach me more he could do something on this front instead of be mad about it.)

No point in me attributing much to it one way or another. We've talked about this aspect of his behavior so many times - his never ending break up threats. I'm still foolish (brave?) enough to discuss things with him logically in calmer times, leading him through ideas about how is behavior reflects some damaging choices. He agrees in those moments, but who knows what he is thinking now.  

I felt a bit low yesterday (though not so much compared to the past hundred or so times of this), but being around others and having nice things to see and do helped. I'm just gonna go about my day to day - I have some room for spontaneity.

I helped cook a really delicious meal yesterday, and drank a lot of wine, and then went for a nice evening walk in the beautiful parts of the city. It is his loss when he behaves like this. He could have heard all about in the evening if he'd been able to calm himself.

thank you very, very much for the kind words and nice company!

~pearl.  

[SunandMoon]

Hi Pearls

I'm really sorry he decided to throw another break up threat at you. He doesn't seem to have much control over himself, does he? Despite the promises, and knowing full well the consequences, it seems to be his 'go to response'.

While you attribute the break up threats as projection of his feelings, I wonder how much it is based in a need for control? He knows this form of attack will always get a response out of you.

If you are writing to him about your vacation, sounding happy and upbeat, showing you can have a good time without him, the break up threats might be his way of bringing you down... .bringing you back to heel, as it were, and putting him back in control.

I might be off base but it's just what I feel when reading this. What do you think?

The best way to deal with this, if it were me, would be not to respond at all.  Don't give him any pay off.

Redouble your efforts to enjoy your vacation (as hard as I'm sure that is when you've been psychologically hit).

Perhaps even play a game with yourself and envision that this is your life now - all that is in the past, you're single and free! Imagine all the wonderful things you could do and all the doors that could open up for you!

Hugs sweetie... . 

[pearlsw]

Hi Pearls
Hugs sweetie... . 

awwwww SunandMoon,  

So nice that you replied. Well, sure enough, he upped the ante. The breakup stuff turned into suicide threats. I know he was not feeling well, and his brain goes haywire, but this new(er) twist is... .heading right into dealbreaker territory for me. Yes, I think he does try to bring me back to heel. You are correct. A bit of this is cultural, a bit him lacking any knowledge about healthy adult relationships, a bit his depression, and whatever these mood swings are.

I only had a short time to speak with him before taking off on a daytrip, and it turns out he ended his vacation early and is bringing his kids back to our "home" early. A whole week early. He said he was having suicidal thoughts all night, but focusing on driving all day today helped him not be as caught up in those thoughts. He said it was "not a game" and he was "going to show me", but I doubt he will commit suicide with his three kids there this week.

This is tough. This is tough.

I tried to enjoy my day, but this did make me worry a bit. My mind was zipping around all over the place. "Should I just go ahead and say it is over so we can both have our peace?" I asked myself. "Or should I try to help him get into counseling?" I was kind, but direct with him. Basically, "I'm sorry you are feeling bad, I care about you, you should talk to a psychiatrist."

It is the same stuff over and over... .and no matter how many times he says he won't say or do such things again he just does. I could probably write it out and give him some alternative things to say/do when he is like this and he might actually try it. Sigh.

He is just wearing me out. It's like he has tentacles that reach out and ruin as much of life as he can get his hands on. Intentional, illness, it doesn't make much difference anymore. I'm supposed to be having a "vacation" and I can't get away from his dysfunction, chaos, etc.

Oh yes, when he told me not to write or talk to him I didn't - when he said we were broken up. I didn't say, "No!" I kept the messages calm and short. I probably tossed a bit too much blame on one point - the ruining all trips stuff. Could have said that part more carefully/thoughtfully.

I dread talking to him or seeing him. I have a strange sense he will try to drive or take a train here. It is not so many hours away. He could come one day and go the next. He would leave his kids alone to do this, but it would not surprise me.

I just... .it makes me so sad sometimes... .he had it so easy with me to start off. Kind, supportive, loving, loyal, he had it all, and he tossed it away hundreds of times... .and he's hurt because I don't love him as much as he'd like. But how can I when he does this? The breakup threat hurt. It wasn't devastating, but it hurt. It is abusive to keep using it, to pass it out like candy... .poisoned candy.

with deep appreciation, pearl.  

[braveSun]

Oh Gheee! I'm sorry pearlsw!             

I can read that you are upset.

You answered in a thoughtful way. 'I'm sorry you feel bad. I care bout you. Talk to a psychiatrist.'
You were loving to him, even though in a different way he would like. Still you were loving.

Now I know you're on vacation, and I would not recommend for you to end your vacation early. Just for now, where you are, are there any ways you can do something extra soothing for your heart? I don't mean more wine. I mean something more like a massage, or flowers or something that has that healing quality.

Brave

[desperate.wife]

Sorry to hear that you couldn't escape all this drama on your vacation  It is good you have lot of things planned. It sounds like it did affect you more than you would like. It is normal. There are still feelings left. Suicide threats makes us feel responsible. And we can't ignore them. Good he is with kids.
I hope he won't come to see you now. It seems you need space. 

Are you still gonna stick with deadline if he takes back the divorce?

As I am clueless in dealing with pwBPD I can only wish you peace of mind, stay busy 


Hugs
desperate.wife

[pearlsw]

Hi braveSun and desperate.wife,

Thanks for the support and checking on me.  

I told him I was not in a great mood and didn't really want to talk today, but we went ahead and spoke.

It was sad. He tried arguing a bit, but then just got quiet and listened, and was a little teary by the end. He agreed he should not have broken up with me if he actually wants to be with me. I told him we are broken up now - whatever that means when you have one of these "marriage contracts".

I wish I had gone into the conversation a little more certain what I wanted to say, and that I didn't repeat myself so much, but once he went silent and just had a blank face I went round a bit until I just stopped myself. My points had been made. I checked on his feelings and let him know I care about them.

It is hard to explain, like I say, because I wasn't sure what I was saying. I am not 100% at ending things, but I am inching closer. (I have an idea about when and how it might end but am keeping this to myself for now.) I wish I was not so... .contradictory... .I did my best not to be. I said he can try to do things if he wants to, like see a therapist, but this must be for him, not me, as I am not sure it would make a difference in us staying together at this point. If it makes a difference for him, great, but the relationship is in serious distress and may not make it.

He's "promised", again, not to make any more breakup threats. We talked about this a bit, reviewed our past discussions/history of the topic. He was calm so I logically discussed the disconnect between "wanting to be with me" and "breaking up with me." We talked about the pain he is in when he gets to this point. We discussed other things he could say. A lot of it felt repetitive and moot though. When it comes down to it, I told him directly, his words don't mean much to me. He is so black and white in his thinking... .I reminded him that a week or so ago he wanted to marry me (we are legally married, but... .it was undermined immediately by him and I've never felt married really because he undermines it with his threats.) Anyway... .he was trying again to talk about marrying me, but I said that discussion is not in play, at all.

I let him know we are very close to ending things. Reminded him I told him no more breakup threats, and while I didn't really believe he'd stop, gosh, my non brain falls for this every time.  

I kinda wish I'd had it in me to just end it, but when I see how ill he is and how he wants to try it pushes those built in, you have to give the person a chance, buttons... .On the other hand I feel I am out of chances, or nearly so. I told him he either needs to get some help to alter his behaviors or we should just do the divorce - those are the only options because I will not live with breakup threats/abuse. I am not one to give ultimatums, it wasn't delivered like that. I let him know he needs help, his mental health issues are beyond my ability to help with beyond a certain point anymore, he needs professional help if he wants it, but I don't see how anything would change with things just as they are because he hasn't shown he can change this behavior himself. I let him know that the pressure he puts on me all the time and these threats, make it impossible to recover, or just... .recover my feelings for him. Again, we logically agreed I can't be expected to have feelings for him if he does this. It's just sad... .thinking back to the innocence of when we first met... .Why does love turn into this?

Anyway, he "does not want a divorce", though he "ended our relationship" this week. He was trying to be sweet tonight and just pick up as if he hadn't said that, but I said no. It's too many times, and so far beyond, no. I am not sure anything new was said, other than I think he's likely never seen me so disinterested in the relationship. I said it didn't seem likely we would stay together.

I wish I hadn't muddied the waters a bit with... .suggesting he do something like counseling. I did try to emphasize him doing it for him, not "us." I need to set a clear goal and timetable in my head... .I feel like I keep getting thrown curveballs.

thank again, pearl.

[braveSun]

Ohhh, pearlsw, that's some news you have there... .      

How are you feeling now? Are you still in your vacation place? Did he come to talk to you in person or get you there?

It's good that you had the courage to tell him how you really felt about it this time. 

Sending you good thoughts...    

Brave

[Radcliff]

I am so impressed by how wise and assertive you were to take your own vacation, and how you are looking out for yourself while communicating with patience, clarity, and compassion.  Don't second guess yourself for fine points here or there.  I cannot imagine anyone dealing with the situation better than you have.  In fact, you're dealing with it so admirably, I'm sure it's even more difficult than it appears to us out here on the Internet.  I hope the rest of your vacation is wonderful, stimulating, and rejuvenating.  You've earned it a thousand times over!

WW

[pearlsw]

Ohhh, pearlsw, that's some news you have there... .      

How are you feeling now? Are you still in your vacation place? Did he come to talk to you in person or get you there?

It's good that you had the courage to tell him how you really felt about it this time. 

Sending you good thoughts...    

Brave

Hi braveSun,

Thank you! I am feeling a bit better. A little empty inside, wondering why this vacation, with all it's lovely trappings hasn't been as fulfilling as they usually are. I have had some nice moments, but... .it almost feels like I can't really get away. He's slowed down a bit now, being more cautious and respectful, less threatening. He's a bit back on his heels at the moment I think.

He did make me a bit nervous this morning. He has a thing... .he doesn't clean a lot, but when he does... .he starts throwing EVERYTHING away. Well, it's like a lot of things he does, extreme. I managed to get him to understand how unsettling this is, and to not touch my things while I am away. He can toss his own stuff if he likes, though I usually like to keep an eye on him so he doesn't go too far. He said he understood my feelings about his behavior in this regards and he does not want to make me feel not at home where we live. We'll see... .

I took some time to catch up on sleep today and go a bit slower than I have been. I want to do a few more daytrips this week, eat at least one great meal, and just feel alive... .Just feel like life has beauty and surprises and laughs and I can scoop up as many as I like and let my worries go for a bit.

warmly, pearl. 

[pearlsw]

I am so impressed by how wise and assertive you were to take your own vacation, and how you are looking out for yourself while communicating with patience, clarity, and compassion.  Don't second guess yourself for fine points here or there.  I cannot imagine anyone dealing with the situation better than you have.  In fact, you're dealing with it so admirably, I'm sure it's even more difficult than it appears to us out here on the Internet.  I hope the rest of your vacation is wonderful, stimulating, and rejuvenating.  You've earned it a thousand times over!

WW

Thanks WW! Very kind of you to say all this!

Oh yes, despite all, I am glad I took the initiative to try to carve out some time for myself. I've seen and done some things that I can be proud of for the rest of my life in this short trip... .and I am inspired to improve my life so I can do such things even more!

My patience is a bit thin at the moment, but I am sure I will be able to tank some more after a little down time.

Hope things are well in your neck of the woods! Seems like you are due a break from hard times yourself buddy!

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Wrote this yesterday on my way back to where I live. Feeling better today though. But wanted to set this here as a bookend on my trip.

****

I sometimes feel like I am in a movie version of my life. I’m in control of the ending though. As I head back to where I live I continue to feel empty inside. It was only in the last few days of my trip that I was finally able to shake some of the stress and anxiety of my life with my SO. It was nice not to hear from him or think of him much.

He made a break up threat while I was away and I told him “Fine, we’re broken up.” It seemed to snap him back into line that I did not jump with fear, panic, or hope, or anything. I just told him that he stresses me out a lot, and that, as he well knows I was on a solo vacation precisely because every vacation with his kids, and especially the last one, were not easy, at all, and some were pretty horrible. He could have had it all. Everything a divorced dad of three kids could hope for out of a younger, flexible, loving partner. But nope.

So, here I go back “home” to the land where words mean nothing. I’m gonna focus on work and my health and making big life decisions within the next few months. I’m gonna do what I can to be the best partner I can in the time I have left with him whether that is a day, a week, a year or more. Be as patient and loving as I can be. Helpful, understanding, but reprioritizing myself in my life, over him, over everything. I’ll be walking in the door ready to talk to a lawyer if need be. Stop f—ing telling me I am your dream and at the same time telling me the sky is falling, man. That it’s over, the end, no more, I’m your dream, I’m not, if I just did XYZ you would not XYZ. Your magic, special weapon of control, the almighty breakup threat. King of all you see with your super powers of relationship destruction. You can’t even grasp the level of betrayal and psychological damage you have wrought.

I would work with a less than ideal situation, but I won’t work with repeated breakup threats, or suicide threats for that matter past my deadline for recovering this relationship. Those are a bit confusing for me, the suicide ones. Nothing in life prepared me for how to respond to such things. Unfortunately the breakup threats pushed a lot of buttons, pushed…Ha! He jumped all over those buttons like a kid on a trampoline. So here we are, two people who have deeply hurt each other. Two people who have no moral high ground…and in my case almost no more hope. For this relationship or for future ones.

Do I accept life as a zombie in this half alive life? Is that enough? I was trying to avoid a high level of stress in life and got the exact opposite of what I was looking for. I was so proud of him. He seemed so resilient. I thought he had himself together when we met. I thought I could handle anything in life. Anything. Every time I think can’t get any worse…well, life roars back with more troubles, over the top troubles. We didn’t do enough, early enough, before he descended into a level of despair I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but why did all get weaponized against me?

The other life option is to go it alone…just focus on work for the next 15-20 years, providing for myself and not letting anyone take so much energy from me. I like the decisive nature of such a choice. I think once you hit the middle of life no one really notices that you chose to be alone…People will think I just didn’t get lucky, that I managed to not find a life partner. And, well, I haven’t. People? As if I haven’t also lost all my friends…but that could be rebuilt.

I live in such a beautiful place. The lake outside the train window is incredible. Clear, picturesque, inviting. Why can’t I get my life inside my “home” anywhere near this? All the elements are there for a beautiful life, but nope. When I arrive he’s gonna either be distant or all over me, either “trying to make me happy” or “punishing me”. Trying to. He’s played a tough game all these years, trying to crush me, intentionally or unintentionally, whatever.  Some of this is behavioral, which to me means some of this involved some amount of choice on his part, some responsibility, just as I have to take mine. Damn this illness. Damn it for taking so much from me in life. Damn it for breaking open every crack inside me. Touching every wound and creating new ones.

The sun feels too bright. Like it is shining a light on me and exposing all my wounds…I naturally try to fight all of this, stand up against all of this, but it makes me so tired.

[Mellon Collie]

Dear Pearl,
I've been reading your thread twice during the last few days and both times I cried as it resonated with me so much.
I don't usually like reading about other people's situations because sometimes I get the feeling that it's like putting gasoline on the fire or just reinforcing some of my "bad thoughts" and that's why I haven't been reading threads but mostly "resources" in the last 10 days but this time it's different and that's why I wanted to share my thought with you.
Even if I'm a newbie on the forum and you're wiser than me on these subjects, I felt like writing something to you as you did for me, which is something I really appreciated

Reading about what you're experiencing, I understand the feeling of doing all the efforts and getting that whatever you do is never enough.

You're doing the best you can do in your relationship with your SO and you're not responsible for everything that is happening nor for what the outcome will be.
Maybe this is not the case but what I understood in the last few months, at least for my situation, is that we don't have to accept everything just because we care and we love our SO; if their words and their actions are not fair to us we cannot accept them.
What I mean is that we can try to understand why they behave in certain ways or why they speak in certain ways but it's not acceptable to be set uncomfortable or pushed to our limits.

The other thing I understood is that one of the best way to help our SO is helping ourselves in being a better version of ourselves in everything we do, even if it can sound selfish, taking some time just to regroup and do things for ourselves can surely help; that's why I think you did it great in having your own vacation and taking some time for yourself even if you couldn't be serene 100%.
You're strong, you're brave, compassionate and empathetic and you deserve to be happy.

Surely it's not easy, maybe it's almost impossible to think about having other relationships in the future, at least for me it's what I sometimes feel, but sometimes life knows better than we do so I'm convinced that it will take time but things will get better in the future, whatever you choose.

I hope your eye is finally good again and I'm sure everything will be alright.

A big big hug,
MC

[pearlsw]

Dear Pearl,

I'm convinced that it will take time but things will get better in the future, whatever you choose.

I hope your eye is finally good again and I'm sure everything will be alright.

A big big hug,
MC

Hi MC,

Wow! What a sweetie you are! Here are some hugs for you too:    

So nice of you to write me this kind note and to even remember about and wish me the best for my eye! Awwww. It is much better now! A super eye in fact! hahahaaha.

Well, thanks! Your words mean a lot to me and help me to feel supported. It is not easy to only have yourself in the world, or to have people think you are strong and don't need anyone, when... .well, I can go it alone, but it sure is nice to have kindness and support once in awhile!

I really like what you said here about how it is good to understand our partner, but we do not have to accept their behavior. That is a great reminder, and very helpful to hear!

Oh, yes, I will let the future happen. I am middle aged, not 110, so being alone may or may not happen. It seems "ideal" until I do it. I was actually pretty lonely on my vacation.

I just came into this relationship with such a strong sense of wanting to give this my all, one last major effort and then "relationship retirement" if this didn't work... .so my mind holds onto that pretty hard, like a life raft, but I think in time I will get that go... .and be more at peaceful, open to possibilities, but not searching for them.

I was talking to a woman in her late fifties while on my vacation and she used that old saying, "A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bike." hahahahaha. I'm not bitter about men though. I never could be. I adore them way too much, they are so much fun! Even my SO on his good days can be a fun fella, fun to make jokes and laugh with - I just wish the jokes weren't all so full of darkness.

It's not always easy to remember his good qualities, but one of the things I admired about him, now that I recall, is how incredibly resilient he was... .in some ways... .after his first marriage fell apart in dramatic fashion. He never hated women (like a friend of his did post-divorce) or gave up on life (like the same friend did). His spirit seemed strong and I was proud of him. I just wish to goodness that I hadn't received so much "friendly fire"in the wake of all went through with his ex and getting his kids out of the war, etc.

It makes it hard for me now to decide whether I should give him any more chances or just give up and move forward in life. It just feels like I have so little happiness and I am so tired of waiting and hoping and not having things work out in life.

warmly and full of gratitude, pearl.  

p.s. I am sorry for your tears! Have some smiles instead - from me!