So, almost a year, and I get call from my BPDex..

[Whoad]

Well, what a wierd day. I go to the local cafe, leave my phone behind at home. And get back and see a missed call, from the area and town my BPD ex is  living in.  I had kept a journal over those months and ceased using when she got married, and the new number she got when I canceled her phone. Her family gave me the number. This called  Number doesn’t match and it’s voip call.

I called the family up. No news... so I’m not calling it back. I have no interest, as much as I love the kids, and I realize I do have either fear or feelings for her.

So much to the chagrin, I’m not over it. I thought with this much time passing I was done and moved on. I realize today as well. I don’t want abused.  I saw the number and location and my heart raced...

 I’m scared— I can’t believe it... would I take the first 6 yrs and love that life yes... but will I go down this path of being taken and discarded... I don’t want that I know there is no measurable change. I have blocked her on all social media. So I have no idea what’s up.

My now biggest fear is my dream coming true, and her coming here. No invitation and just drives up... I had it it was lucid, and I had it before she ever moved here in 2010. I love her... but I can’t do it again... her getting married hurt me so much.

With my luck as of late, she would show up and the freind I have deep feelings for would want a relationship. I will take the latter... so now I wait...

Is it a charm, or just a contact to see if am still here, what was it about... as long as it is not school, cops, or child services... I can deal with a px... I think... it was emotional gauge... I bet...

Dang it,

[Jeffree]

Whoa!

So what are you saying exactly? You are hoping she is looking to recycle with you and you don't know if you could resist?

J

[Whoad]

Whoa!

So what are you saying exactly? You are hoping she is looking to recycle with you and you don't know if you could resist?

J

No... just saying. I’m definitely not recovered... I have no idea why she called... I will not entertain a thing... NONE of their property is here... it’s all gone... I’m scared for my well being, if she returns unannounced... this is not what I needed.

[spero]

Hey there Whoad! 

It does feel surreal somehow isn't it? It's almost a year and she has decided to call up?

So much to the chagrin, I’m not over it. I thought with this much time passing I was done and moved on. I realize today as well. I don’t want abused.  I saw the number and location and my heart raced...

 I’m scared— I can’t believe it... would I take the first 6 yrs and love that life yes... but will I go down this path of being taken and discarded... I don’t want that I know there is no measurable change. I have blocked her on all social media. So I have no idea what’s up.

Even after sometime has passed, this incident still manages to stir up feelings of dread and perhaps even recall some "sweet" moments. It does seem that you're aware enough to know where you are right now and what actions and boundaries you wish to maintain.

My now biggest fear is my dream coming true, and her coming here. No invitation and just drives up... I had it it was lucid, and I had it before she ever moved here in 2010. I love her... but I can’t do it again... her getting married hurt me so much.

I suppose the impact and implications of the relationship has really affected you deeply. I'm sorry that its been this painful. So perhaps, a better question i'd pose would be, is there anything action plan you'd wish to implement as a preemptive kind of move if she does pop by suddenly? This incident does seem triggering for you and it does seem that you're still in the process of healing and recovery.

Is it a charm, or just a contact to see if am still here, what was it about... as long as it is not school, cops, or child services... I can deal with a px... I think... it was emotional gauge... I bet...

I can't say for certain why she'd contact you again. I guess for relationship fallouts with BPD exes, sometimes. It is never over for (majority) of them. I've been painted black, but i know one day when things fall apart for my uBPDexGF, i'll becoming that "knight" of hers again, she may possibly split me white again because the ex's seem better.

So, in your situation it can really be any given scenario, she's feeling low, she needs a source of supply again to meet her needs etc, or perhaps her current relationship isn't satisfying and she's cycling through her exes again. All these are just some possibilities, then again i really can be certain.

I hope you're keeping well, whoad. Do takecare.

Spero

[Insom]

Yikes, Whoad!  I get how scary this can feel.

Whatever happens, you can handle this because you know your own mind.

How are you doing today? 

[Whoad]

I’m doing ok today... no calls... LOL.

Plan of implementation— over the phone... don’t answer...
—if she shows up... well, that depends on attitude.
—If I get attitude I’m calling cops. No question.
If she is kind and apologetic I’ll hear her out.

But will tell her “you can definitely move where you want to and be with whomever you choose. But my door closed when you lied to me, left me, and married another. You killed my soul a little, I was devastated  by your actions. I brought you into my life and kept you and the kids from being homeless, I helped raise the kids. I supported you and the kids and was the best I could possibly be. I was great man, honest man, dependable, and very loving.but in my time of need and despair after being fired.you didn’t stand by me, or assist me, —-You abandoned me. You rejected me. Because you were afraid to be rejected or abandoned first which would not have happened. You knew your living the life you had would change due to having to finally work-you chose to leave. “

“In your time of need now, where you left your husband, I won’t be party to. I will not let you do that to me,  another time” “ I love the kids, and I do love you, but not what you do to me when you lie, devalue, and leave me.”

I hope I can say this in person... the strong part of me yes, the weaker healing part of me... I’m afraid I’ll cave.

The “sweet moments” — many of them. 6 yrs. no fighting, nada... happy as clams... but I also remember the stress, the keep me up game... her constant blowing at the kids in frustration. That I don’t miss... but our activities together I miss.

I saw memory on Facebook where the kids and I were enjoying flying kites... I cried a bit and then smiled... because I was with them and they were happy and and having a blast... with the mom beside them... she was happy... those parts hurt...

 I hate BPD... it sucks and it’s cruel, but if those folks won’t choose to work on themselves to identify and work on the issues plaguing their lives, why be involved their hurt... if she had come back within couple months... might have been clear door... but, she left she married him, and that was that... I held hope till Early January... but- I gave up... for me. 

I thought I was healed and or healing was coming to a close. But... I’m glad I told me dear freind whom is moving, that I wasn’t ready for  a relationship... it was truth- honesty in my future relationships is paramount.

[Cromwell]

Thanks for sharing this, it is something that plays on my mind a lot as time goes on I feel im becoming free of my BPDx but the thought of her appearing out of nowhere as appears to happen to others does make me fear how I will react, despite in some ways feeling that I have overcome it. It is because the last time she appeared after I split from her, I couldnt deal with the magnetic attraction it was like seeing her for the first time all over again, well except she was notably very nervous, yet I calmed her down from that. I know I will do the right thing if it happens )ignore her) but I can only imagine how painful and difficult it would be at the time to actually do this. I feel sorry that you got this call out of the blue, just at a time where you felt in a stronger place.

[Whoad]

Truly Cromwell... that is my biggest fear. That and the kids. I have not seen the BPD ex at her worst in my presence, I only dealt with her ugliness when she ST, and leaves.

I miss the kids... and in fairness, I’m glad I removed the property from my home. She has nothing to come back to. BPDEX make it too easy, to believe what they did won’t happen again. But she only made it 6 months before she split me black, and left this time almost a year.  I do believe she is cycling again. I have no idea what is in store for her, I fear for her kids.

It just gives me perspective at the moment, of how hurt I really am. I just wish now, my best freind whom walked thru this with me, was here, emotionally. With her new move and new job, and the stress of her ADHD, and her conflicted feelings about us, it makes me realize how selfish it would be to include her in my issues at the moment. We had both agreed we could slam this door shut on my ex, for good. But I must do this on my own.

I deserve to love, to be loved, and with it be happy. I can live alone, but I don’t like it. I like to be with freinds and loved ones, and be occupied, by their presence. But those people I include or have in my life are few and special. They are very close. Anyway...

I’m glad no other calls have come in.

[Skip]

Fear.

Fear cripples us.

If I had any advice, I think I'd say that you need to lean into the fear. Overcome it.  Stand against your fear. You don't need the cops. You don't need to hide.

Anything is possible about the call. It might be that one of the kids is hurt. her mother died... .it could be anything. It could be a recycling probe, its possible, but it is not likely.

She just a girl. She is weak, not powerful. Fearful like a horse, not powerful like a lion.

When you conquer this fear, you will be free. You can do that. You don't need her help. You can visualize your strength and how it looks if she wants something, needs help, wants to complain, runs into you with the beau, misses you, or ignores you. You can visualize how you would be cool, calm, string in all of these scenarios.

Do that. Channel your own strength.

We stop being victims the day we look in the mirror and say, I'm no longer a victim. That doesn't happen right away - we have to grieve for a while - but grieving is a series of events (denial, anger, depression, acceptance) and we need to reach out as hard as we can (and not more than we can) to get to each successive stage.

It's hard Whoad. We're here to walk with you. At your pace.

[Whoad]

So... being scared... concerned about what if ... BPD actions... I checked her Instagram account... it has been blocked. She changed the picture... no longer her new husband and her... still same script... she looks healthy. (Filtered) ... but no idea what’s up...

Checked her husbands facebook, and all bout him... all him... no weirdness...
I didn’t look at hers...

I know last year at this time, she began a cycle... left by June 19... I was fired April 14 last year... so. Whatever triggers, maybe present who knows... not sure what’s up...

Do we as victims seem to have to watch our backs, for the next case of behaviors? I am concerned still that I am weak emotionally... .I can talk a big game... but it took me 10 months to remove her property from my home... I’m a forgiving person... but ughhhhh

[Circle]

Just happened to me too.
I agree with Skip, about needing to lean into the fear.
And, he is probably right about her being more like a scared horse than a lion.
And, you haven't seen her really explode yourself.
Yet, does that mean you can trust her?
Is a scared horse any safer to be around than a lion?
I may want to avoid being trampled.

[Whoad]

Well, nothing... a picture change in Instagram. If she stays on her side of the country... fine. I am starting a new job Monday. My own fear is, she will learn thru others that I have got a new job/career. She we will run back with all the promises, of unicorn dung. She will use her kids.

I’m not ready to entertain her presence. I feel a part of me itching. This woman was my thing... but I remember the stress... I remember know wanting to go to work to get away from the stress. That’s not the way it should be, if you love.

So lion or unicorns... one was magical for a time... the other I faced only when she left. Time will tell. But as Skip can attest I was hung up on her way into January of 18 after she got married to the other victim in Nov of 16... I was not sure what would happen then... I’m ready to be loved and love back and I think I have fixed what I can surely can claim as as my own.

But now I’m not in a hurry.  I love someone, I miss them... she is not BPD. But a woman on career path, and running away from her own fears of us. Time will tell there as well. I am focusing on me and my new career, new chapter on the whoad of life... LOL.

[MeandThee29]

Fear.

Fear cripples us.

If I had any advice, I think I'd say that you need to lean into the fear. Overcome it.  Stand against your fear. You don't need the cops. You don't need to hide.

Do that. Channel your own strength.

We stop being victims the day we look in the mirror and say, I'm no longer a victim. That doesn't happen right away - we have to grieve for a while - but grieving is a series of events (denial, anger, depression, acceptance) and we need to reach out as hard as we can (and not more than we can) to get to each successive stage.

I agree with this. When I stopped being afraid of what mine would do was the day that I began healing.

Also when I stopped defending myself and engaging in his distorted, circular thinking.

Then when I accepted that the relationship is over apart from a miracle. As a friend observed, don't negotiate with a terrorist.

I know that some people with BPD are able to achieve a measure of peace and understanding in a relationship by putting in the work themselves, but many of us have to put up a wall to stop the destruction.

[Whoad]

So. I have crossed a threshold. I thought about her... then I decided and said out loud, “no, I’m done, I don’t hate you, but I don’t want any part of you in my life. Your kids, your life. I did my best, I did what the universe/God intended. I’m good with it. I loved you with all my soul.” “But my soul says no... not ever again.”

I am thankful, that mine left without so much financial and reputation  damage as many others have gone and had. It may came come back, if she doesn’t get what she wants, but it’s been year minus 20 plus day... I’m thankful she was part of my life, that I was the rock for them, and that I had those positive relationships with the kids... I did good, really good... I’m thankful for that... God bless you on your journey and best wishes to the kids... love you L ( daughter) . I will miss you...

My last post, I may lurk to assist those folks if I have value to put out... GOd BLess you all for being here for each of us... your God Sends... bless you...

A

[Cromwell]

Listen to your intuition, there is trust issues and from my own experience, valid ones. She gets to know too much of your business and everything is fine - as long as she is fine.

what about the day you say something that gets misinterpreted and a huge grudge is formed in her mind. Then it is vandetta time, and who knows what devastation can be brought. As you said, you havent suffered too badly from your year together, I think it could be tempting as a result to tip your toe back into the water, but I wouldnt suggest doing so for two reasons

1. It may have been a mix of luck and good coping skills the first time around that prevented potential disaster.

2. whats the point being in a meaningful r/s when that trust isnt there, it will involve having to be guarded or letting your guard down and gambling that all will work out well.

[Whoad]

Well, long time no visit... it has been quiet till yesterday.  I got an email.
Earlier this year it would had me heart beating from fear,  And getting all worked up.

I’m past that... in fact I was checking email and didn’t even see the email at first I was not checking email regularly. I was like huh, why is that there, saw the date and went “ha , what now”

It was a charm, a hi I’m going to  college, are you working in a job you want, and are you still putting on the bike race... and how’s “ cats cuties name”. Do you still have our stuff, contact me at your earliest convenience.

Reality:

I just don’t care, I didn’t answer it, and won’t... I called family let them know she was still alive... ( no one in her mother’s side has heard from her or the kids since she got married)

That’s my good deed. I wish her the best, I’m better off by myself and or non BPD... I’m not involving myself with anyone, and not interested in  any random, nor looking...

I’m working, and just living day to day...

Just glad I’m over her now... it hurt, I forgive her, but that’s all. Love to all.

[MeandThee29]

So... being scared... concerned about what if ... BPD actions... I checked her Instagram account... it has been blocked. She changed the picture... no longer her new husband and her... still same script... she looks healthy. (Filtered) ... but no idea what’s up...

Checked her husbands facebook, and all bout him... all him... no weirdness...
I didn’t look at hers...

I know last year at this time, she began a cycle... left by June 19... I was fired April 14 last year... so. Whatever triggers, maybe present who knows... not sure what’s up...

Do we as victims seem to have to watch our backs, for the next case of behaviors? I am concerned still that I am weak emotionally... .I can talk a big game... but it took me 10 months to remove her property from my home... I’m a forgiving person... but ughhhhh

It's OK. A lot of us go through this.

Mine didn't contact me for two months, and then offered to meet to work out plans for reconciliation. Said we are so far apart emotionally, and he will be "gentle" on me. Sounds like more of his thesis that I'm the mentally-ill one. Funny, but no one here says that including several professionals.

Nothing more. No clue what prompted that, or if he's been in counseling or what.

Part of me was thrilled. Maybe it was really all better. Or maybe more of the same. No clue.

I discussed it with a wise friend, and they said no way. No counselling or accountability, just one-on-one to jump to a major change that likely would be just more of the same. He probably would demand again that I move alone there, away from friends and family. My friend observed that I cannot trust my feelings on this.

Not long after that, one of his relatives sent me a marriage book. It was anonymous, but I know that no one here would do that, and they have done that sort of thing before. Something for polishing a decent relationship, not for putting together an estranged couple affected by mental health issues. They truly have no clue. He's probably taking their cues again, come to think of it. I've been disturbed by how deeply his family has been involved in counselling him without involving me. They've said things like "it would all work out if you just forgive him," and "he's truly a very kind person, you just have to bring that out in him." Yup. No clue on BPD.

[Whoad]

I am glad that I have gotten to a point where I am no longer fearful of a email, to make small talk... I just don’t want to engage. I made up my mind...

There is no relationship worth harming myself for.  Ever... 1st time I was unaware of BPD,  I did this two more times knowingly that she had an issue. But it nots worth 6 yrs of more time and trouble. Worrying whether any little thing will make run to another... she has a track record now... the kids... I love them, but they are not mine... I raised them as mine... but know they are hers, and her new marriage man...

Good for him... good for them... I truly wish them the best... I have awakened and will not do it again...

It feels good to not answer her... if she shows up, a polite convo, and gods speed, you have nothing here.

[Cromwell]

It feels good to not answer her... if she shows up, a polite convo, and gods speed, you have nothing here.

I am still filled with some dread about how I will react in the event of meeting her again, your post has given me food for thought.

My go-to reaction is to ignore her existence, not out of spite or ignorance but thinking it is the most trouble-free way for both sides.

Getting wrapped into a conversation of however little length I fear the act itself would communicate incorrectly, that there might be scope for more than just that.

If im able to ignore her via long distance forms - no social media, emails, calls or texts, why would I feel the need not to behave the same way face to face?

very much appreciate any  thoughts on this.

[Whoad]

Cromwell—

Engaging in the media of her choice won’t happen for me... it doesn’t reflect, inflect , or set the tone of my communication to her.

If she so chooses to arrive unannounced in my life. I will say, Hi. I will then thwart any attempts of reconciliation. I will simply tell her,” I moved along in life, I will not allow you to be any part of it that includes you doing what you do best by leaving, lying, and being dishonest with yourself and others.

I wish you the best, but my energy is elsewhere I’m done and moved along. Thank you for waking me up. “

Hopefully that will cover all that is needed.  I’m not scared anymore... fear is what they use.