Had to put down my cat; husband freak out

[Tattered Heart]

Yesterday my H & I decided we needed to put down a really sick cat. As usual when these decisions are made, his very flexible schedule job suddenly becomes too busy so I had to go by myself. This is the 3rd pet Ice had to do this with. Alone. Watching our loved pet die. He has been descending into chaos for the past week. I’ve walked out of the house once.

Before we planned to put our cat to sleep I had already made plans to go buy a new car. I had already looked at this car once and was about to sign for it on Monday when my H got mad and told me to wait because he thought the car lit was trying to win. He wasn’t even there with me that time. So we decided I would go back to get the car.

The car lot is an hour away. I had literally just walked in the house and he starts asking me if I got some items of his out of the trunk. I told him I didn’t. These things had been in the trunk for years, never used, and suddenly they are his most precious item. He sends me over 40 texts about how I only care about my stuff, cussing, telling me how he has to keep his thumb on me.

When I got home he began ranting for 4 hours. A couple times he started to rage. I told him I didn’t feel safe and walked out the door to take a walk in the yard. after 15 minutes he came up there and said “I don’t know why you came up here. There’s plenty of things for me to kill you with here.” Then he started yelling at me for calling him a murderer and for believing I would harm him. He started to calm down so I went back in (I should have just left).

After I got back inside he began to rant a little calmer. But he ramped back up and called me a bitch. So I again went outside for about 39 minutes. He eventually calmed down but I’m just so dejected right now. This was one of his top 5 worst rages.

Today he is remorseful and says his strong emotions were from losing our cat, which they probably were, but once again I’ve been robbed of my own grief and the fun of a new car.

I’ve missed everyone here and hope I can get back on more. I didn’t handle this well and I haven’t been using the tools as I should. I need the constant reminder, because no matter how good things go for long periods, BPD is still there, and it still sucks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[braveSun]

Wow Tattered Heart... Sorry that you are going through such a rough patch!... .

I have a lot of respect for the fact that you have still this relationship going on after all those years. And that you have all this experience under your belt as a partner of a pwBPD. I am humbled by learning about your pain today.
        

Your H naturally will react in this kind of way for anything that is bringing changes he didn't initiated into your lives. It's so hard when we have our own mourning to do...

No matter what you did or didn't do, you still did your best. Don't let that inner critique take over. Keep moving forward. Bless this moment. It will pass.

Do you have a way to go on your own for a few hours? In a nice place where you can sit in your new car and just shoot the breeze for a moment in tranquility? or do something that makes you feel really really good normally?... even if it's just a crack.

My thoughts are with you.

I know you have helped many many people on your journey in BPD land.

Keep posting   

Brave

[Skip]

Yesterday my H & I decided we needed to put down a really sick cat.

I'm so sorry to hear about your kitty.

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

If you were here to advise us you'd tell us not to beat ourselves up for forgetting to use the tools. When things get overwhelming it is all too easy to slip as you of course know.

I am sorry you had to hear all this mean and scary stuff! I know how hard it is to recover after such a thing. I used to snap back much faster, I simply don't anymore. It takes a lot of time to recover and feel safe again.  

I hope you get to enjoy the new car... .if that still gets to happen. And I'm sorry for the loss of your pet!    

wishing you the best, always, pearl.  

p.s. you are very missed! you are wise, brave, and loved here! 

[Harley Quinn]

TH I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss    Losing pets is always so hard.  It must have been very painful and disappointing to not get support from your H in such a sorrowful moment.  I feel for you    

To have to endure what followed is so unfair.  You're very brave.  Is this the first time he has spoken about killing you?  Even when it's sarcastic, such words are not funny, and I don't presume to know how he meant them.  :)espite knowing that when sufferers dysregulate our feelings go out of the window, it doesn't make it easier to be on the receiving end of this treatment.  I'm glad you came here to speak about all of this.   

What can you do to allow yourself some time for your grief?  I like braveSun's idea of going somewhere in the new car to take some time for yourself.  

Great to see you.  Only wish it was under happier circumstances.  

Love and light x  

[Mutt]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Im sorry about your cat. I can see how it be hard to not have support through a difficult time like and to be treated horribly on top of that - that’s tough.

Hang in there.

[Lady Itone]

Very sorry for your loss. A recently had a deceased pet visit me in a dream, its seemed so real I woke up knowing they're still with us from time to time.

Peace

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi TH! 

I want to start out with something important: 

I'm so sorry about your kitty. I'm sure she loved you and you certainly loved her as we can all tell. When going through grief, the mind turns to a murky fog that is sluggish and unmoving. It really does become almost impossible to think and remember, even the skills you've used and known for some time. As your brain and body rests, so too will you find your ability to focus on those things that you feel have escaped you. So don't get down on yourself for not remembering.

Be safe!

 
Wools

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks everyone.

I've been walking around in a bit of a fog. I can't shake the anger and sadness about last Friday evening. It was so reminiscent of when my H was out of control every week. Was he going to physically harm me? No. He never has, but he was out of control. After he calmed down he told me about some of the things he did in the house while he was inside ranting. He cut up a sweater of mine, smashed my sunglasses,  hid a few of my pair of shoes, and hid my nail clippers.  I'm pretty angry about the sweater because I haven't seen a sweater in that style for a couple years and I had just bought a new shirt to wear under this particular sweater.

Like you pearl, I'm not bouncing back easily. For 2 days I've been asking myself "What do you need?" hoping that I'll find the answer to end my bitterness. Of course, forgiving him is a part of it, but that often has to happen over and over again. I chose to forgive him last night while drifting off to sleep, but this morning, I'm right back in it again. He is back to normal. I feel an anger simmering beneath the surface.

I didn't validate or show empathy towards him, but I didn't walk on egg shells.

I realize though somewhere in the midst of things I didn't honor myself either. I had my keys in my hand the whole time and the best way I could have honored myself was to get in the car and drive off. I don't know why this step is always so hard for me. No, actually I do know why it's so hard. I want comfortable. I wanted to be at home. I kept thinking he would calm down shortly and things would go back to normal. I didn't want to sleep in a cheap hotel and I didn't want to let my friends know that he was out of control because he had been doing so well.

I need to find a little hope, so the best way to help myself is often to help others. I'm going to respond to a few posts and encourage those who are also struggling.

[Harley Quinn]

TH, I'm sorry to hear about your sweater and sunglasses.  Did he apologise and acknowledge that his actions were not OK?

In your shoes I'd need my own feelings to be acknowledged and allowed space to be felt.  If that's not something your H is able to give, who do you have to speak to who will allow you to share your feelings freely? 

Love and light x

[braveSun]

  I realize though somewhere in the midst of things I didn't honor myself either. I had my keys in my hand the whole time and the best way I could have honored myself was to get in the car and drive off. I don't know why this step is always so hard for me. No, actually I do know why it's so hard. I want comfortable. I wanted to be at home. I kept thinking he would calm down shortly and things would go back to normal. I didn't want to sleep in a cheap hotel and I didn't want to let my friends know that he was out of control because he had been doing so well.

Tattered Heart, I can relate to this side of things so well... I am in a complicated situation where I do feel like if I do chose to honor myself and stand by my needs, I am undergoing harsh events, but if I don't I feel like I am giving up me to my spouse's illness.

It's such a tough choice to make...    
   

How are things going now?

Brave

[isilme]

I am so sorry you had to go to the vet alone. Omg I am so sorry.  I would be in a fog, too.

I wish there was more to give than words, I hope some feeling can make its way through the screens. 

[Tattered Heart]

He is doing better and not quite so worked up, but he is still quick to get offended. I shared briefly with some girlfriends to let them know that things were difficult right now, and of course they were supportive, reminding me that he cycles like this.

My church group starts up again this week and I'm having dinner with some friends this weekend so I'm really looking forward to time away from home.

[pearlsw]

Like you pearl, I'm not bouncing back easily. For 2 days I've been asking myself "What do you need?" hoping that I'll find the answer to end my bitterness. Of course, forgiving him is a part of it, but that often has to happen over and over again. I chose to forgive him last night while drifting off to sleep, but this morning, I'm right back in it again. He is back to normal. I feel an anger simmering beneath the surface.

I didn't validate or show empathy towards him, but I didn't walk on egg shells.

I realize though somewhere in the midst of things I didn't honor myself either.

I need to find a little hope, so the best way to help myself is often to help others. I'm going to respond to a few posts and encourage those who are also struggling.

Hey TH,

Oh we are alike on this! It makes me feel better to help others and keep their spirts up! Sometimes it is all there is to do. It lets me see/feel who I really am in the midst of some tough storms/isolation. I hold onto my humanity.

Sorry to hear about that sweater. (I think I may be one of the few people on the boards who hasn't had stuff destroyed or hidden. Knock on wood.) I hope it was new enough that you might be able to find another one.

Glad things are better and hope you have a great weekend! 

miss ya 'round these parts, pearl. 

[braveSun]

He is doing better and not quite so worked up, but he is still quick to get offended. I shared briefly with some girlfriends to let them know that things were difficult right now, and of course they were supportive, reminding me that he cycles like this.

My church group starts up again this week and I'm having dinner with some friends this weekend so I'm really looking forward to time away from home.

Looks like good steps you took. 

Brave