Letting go is the worst

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The worst part about letting go with my ex gfwBPD is that I still love her.

She can't conceptualize that I can still love her but know that I can't be with her. This does not exist in her mind. It is true in this way that those with BPD can only look through a lens where they see only black and white. You either love, or you don't love. You can't do both.

No. I love her, I can't be with her.

I am forced to have no other option than to just accept that she will never see me as the guy who loved her immensely. This is the hardest part of letting og.
She will never see me as the man who cared. She has called me 123 times and sent me countless texts asking why I don't love her, what did she do wrong? Why does nobody want her...

She could not understand my answer that I had completely moved out at least 3 times, and broke up about 8 in the course of 2 years, and not wanting to go through another cycle.

Yes, the hardest part is that she will feel that I abandoned her. She will feel no love. She will truly feel like I threw her away and that I was cold hearted.
Why will she not see things my way? Why can she not see that I tried? Why can she not understand me?

This is truly the most difficult. Letting go of someone who loves you so much, knowing that forever they will feel you have caused a mark on their being so severe that that they will never truly recover.

I love this woman. Its so sad that she can't see things differently... that it won't work

[yotmwbf]

The worst part about letting go with my ex gfwBPD is that I still love her.

She can't conceptualize that I can still love her but know that I can't be with her. This does not exist in her mind. It is true in this way that those with BPD can only look through a lens where they see only black and white. You either love, or you don't love. You can't do both.

No. I love her, I can't be with her.

I am forced to have no other option than to just accept that she will never see me as the guy who loved her immensely. This is the hardest part of letting og.
She will never see me as the man who cared. She has called me 123 times and sent me countless texts asking why I don't love her, what did she do wrong? Why does nobody want her...

She could not understand my answer that I had completely moved out at least 3 times, and broke up about 8 in the course of 2 years, and not wanting to go through another cycle.

Yes, the hardest part is that she will feel that I abandoned her. She will feel no love. She will truly feel like I threw her away and that I was cold hearted.
Why will she not see things my way? Why can she not see that I tried? Why can she not understand me?

This is truly the most difficult. Letting go of someone who loves you so much, knowing that forever they will feel you have caused a mark on their being so severe that that they will never truly recover.

I love this woman. Its so sad that she can't see things differently... that it won't work

[Mutt]

Hi omwhat the heckyb,

Yes, the hardest part is that she will feel that I abandoned her. She will feel no love. She will truly feel like I threw her away and that I was cold hearted.

You still have feelings for her but there is something that goes against your values, that’s why you don’t want to be her- you broke up with her for a reason.

You can’t tell how she’s going to feel, she lived in the past and will again in the future just like you have felt love for different people.

You said that she doesn’t understand your point of view so you must of explained Ned to her why you couldn’t continue, how is that cold hearted? You’re posting about her on a forum if you were cold hearted didn’t care you wouldn’t have started this discussion.

I know that it’s really hard to let go of a pwBPD we’re here for you, hang in there.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi there, breaking up in this situation is extremely painful.  Especially when it is fresh.  The texts and phone calls are heartbreaking and I can empathize, I have been in that pain, as well.   I agree, the most diificult part is letting go.  I have struggled with that myself.  None of us knows what will happen in the future - if our pwBPD will recover or not.  But, we cannot do it for them as much as we would like to. 

I am glad you are posting.  It's helpful to verbalize how we are feeling (in print).   What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Have you seen a therapist?  Do you have supportive friends and family?

Please take care and let us know how you are doing.

Mustbeabetterway

[yotmwbf]

   What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Have you seen a therapist?  Do you have supportive friends and family?

Thank you for the responses everyone...
I am seeing a therapist and I have family and friends who are supportive. I cut contact with her via phone and social media, but I did not block email yet.

Oh man this is so painful. I can't stop thinking about her, and how she must feel so abandoned. I wish I could hold her and just ask her to understand why I am unable to continue breaking up and getting back together. She's not able to see it. Each break up takes a toll on my health and well being. If I accept her back into my life, I will simply be walking on eggshells all day long... .

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hey there, omwhat the heckyb,

Good that you have a support network.  The heart wants what it wants... .I understand.  My husband and I had many breakups, as well.  Finally, I decided for my health, for the rest of my family who were involved and witnessing the pain each time, I just couldn't live with him any longer.  Sometimes, sadly, love just isn't enough.

Time does heal.  It will get better. 

Mustbeabetterway

[Drs204]

I am in a similar situation. She, however, broke up with me after an almost 2 year relationship in which we were officially dating about a year. Her reason was "to busy with work and the kids". (she is also a widow) A month later she had a new BF. It was heartbreaking.

I do still love her. She does not keep contact with me and I sent my final text two weekends ago saying I forgive her and still love her. I have not heard from her in over a month.

It is almost three months since the breakup and it still hurts, though a bit less. I want nothing more than to be with her and tell her again how I love her. But it will probably never be.

And then I have to ask myself if I want to go through the cycles like I have been hearing you and others going through. IDK. She is not getting help and doesn't even know she has BPD; or she never told me. PRobably not something I really want to do.

Walking away from her and her 2 young boys whom I grew attached to (and they to me) is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I have good days, and bad days. Sometimes it changes during the day too if I have a memory or something.

I know what you are going though, albeit a little bit different.

[pearlsw]

Hi omwhat the heckyb,

Following up on your question about her thoughts... .

Though there are many paths to that point, loving someone but not being able to be together is extremely painful. It is indeed hard for a lot of folks to wrap their mind around love not conquering all, but it simply doesn't.

In a way she has a point. Technically, it is a choice to stay together and find a way to make it work. You have made a different choice. Not the choice she wanted. Her mind is having a hard time with that. At some point she no longer has you to process that with, you've made your decision, but she needs time to adjust and accept. It's hard to accept loss, it takes time. You don't have to be there for it.

I've been thinking lately about the purpose that black and white thinking plays for a brain. It is a means of protection when you really look at it. After a breakup, if you really want to move on, you use that to focus on all the reasons you should move on and it comes in pretty handy as a coping tool to help the new reality make sense. The problem arises, in my book, if you can't see it for what it is, set it down, or use it to harm others.  

The mind is a powerful tool!

In time you may be able to look back fondly and gratefully at the good parts of what you experienced.

I am sorry for her pain and yours and wishing you both strength in making sense out of the breakup.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[blackmirror]

You might be too focused on her to be able to let go.   You made the choice to break-up and you did so for good reason.  If you tell her you still love her she will have false hope.  I still love lots of people who I will never see or talk to again most likely.  "Loving can hurt sometimes but it is the only thing that I know.  When it gets hard it is the only thing that makes us feel alive.  We keep this love in a photograph.  We make these memories for ourselves. We're our hearts are never broken, eyes are never closing, times forever frozen still." I did that for 3 years.  I still have a lot of 2014 floating in my brain as if I can go back and fix it.  You need to be the one to cut off contact.  For both of you.  She has other people to help her and she is just keeping you close to later crush you.  She can find a new man if she wants to.  And you can love her without seeing her. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Very wise words, Blackmirror we can still hold love in our hearts even though we are not still in contact.  This is a concept I have been trying to practice with my estranged husband.  Thanks for sharing.

Mustbeabetterway