Have you spoken to anyone else about this?
The only person left is my mom. When she figured it out, she asked me whether I was thinking of ending it. I was comfortable admitting it, and pointed out the lunacy of going through with it considering so many other people don't. Including them, who have it way harder than I do, and they're also 76 and 80 years old.
How safe do you feel right now?
N/A
Have you thought about how you would do it?
Yeah. I'm at that stage.
When I wasn't feeling like this, but just being careful about life details, I made lists of all my passwords and contractors. I also named her as a beneficiary of my 401k; the other day, I caught myself thinking "Maybe the money will make her happy, because I never will."
I used to drink to handle her. I stopped drinking four years ago.
I tried psychologists, psychiatrists and medication. Bad, bad idea.
[Edit: I also tried CBT. That was OK. I've also been here on and off. I have two BPD books and "Feeling Well," but my brain is too full to read anymore.]
We moved into our new house about 16 months ago. For the first year, I worked an average of 77 hours a week on domestic chores and home improvements, while she did nothing but grieve for her dad, who had just died. I thought that would prove to her that I'd do anything she wanted, and she could just ask me nicely. Nope. [Edit: I understand that's not how BPD works, but I tried.]
My pushback on her tone leads to fights. Her current psychologist thinks I'm a loose cannon, and that confirmed to my wife that this is all my fault. Her criticisms of me have been way more direct and bold. In the seven years we've been together, there has been only two times she has admitted to having a mental illness.
