Time and Distance certainly helps

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For anyone who followed The Travails of 1stTimer you might have noticed a long absence. Partially self-enforced ;) As helpful as this board is, it was becoming detrimental to me to endlessly analyze and discuss the pwBPD situation and with some distance from the board I started to in fact address the issues in my life that even made it possible for the whole, on reflection, ridiculous debacle. I did get spun out of control so apologize for any drama I caused in my writhings  

I realized that I'd not dealt with a lot of loss in my life prior and, to beat a metaophor to death, was holding on to something I didn't really care about because it was a liferaft instead of continuing my swim to shore. Worse yet the liferaft was inside a whirlpool so no wonder I came up with no answers holding on to it. I hope any of that makes sense to someone here

In any event I concentrated on reevaluating my lofty goals with my business and lowered them to ones that could provide me with the life I've been trying so hard to restore and that opened up a lot of opportunities not to mention my eyes. I met a super nice woman. Though she hardly speaks English and heads back to her own country soon, it was an eye opener as it was a return to the type of woman I always dated in the past before my pwBPD detour; gracious, sweet, kind, supportive, drama-fee, able to recieve and able to give.  Funny thing is every friend of hers we socialize with (who generally has to translate for her) tells me how she says how kind and giving and supportive I am of her. Contrast starkly with pwBPD who kept telling me how much everyone said I had to give her. Both the business epiphanies and the new woman really got me centered again on who I was and what I wanted and clarified what an inane situation I allowed myself to get into in my terror at what my life had become.

Some interesting pwBPD notes; after never reaching out to me after my (totally undeserved by her) Grand Gesture which she asked me to be available to talk about on a moments notice by her, I really just dropped the whole situation (as the rest of everything gelled). A couple months later however as I surveyed my options for the business, I did reach out to her as she had offered to introduce me to her boss/best-friend when I was ready who was a mover-shaker in my field and could have helped tremendously. As I'd helped her get a massive raise with my own efforts I felt it was fair to reach out. I did so, but in the email I first 'apologized' for the over-the-top GG, stating the due all the losses in my life (which she knew of) I hadn't handled the unexpected loss of her well, and that all I'd been trying to do was assure her I had cared for her since she expressed doubt about that at the end and let's move on.  I got one of her carefully crafted replies, to the effect that she 'cannot help with that right now'. BS, but I replied 'Thank you anyway, best of luck to you'.  Yet another in a long line of replies that showed just what kind of person/woman she was and lucky to have dodged that bullet.

Funny enough I also found a vid of her she'd shared once before and my first impression was 'really? THAT is who I obsessed about for two months? I didn't even LIKE that person'. So clearly a bunch of things came together to make me realize there were issues here that had nothing to do with her and which I then took care of handling instead. And ... poof ... .she was gone from my mind.

The funny part of this is I went to this great dinner with the new gf with all her friends, they loved me, and we took a pic B&W group photo at the dinner with her and I happy as clams and her beautiful and glowing. I liked it so much I did something I rarely do; posted it on Facebook. 4 hours later I get a text from pwBPD who has not reached out ONCE to me in the 5+ months since The Discard, who has replied to any of my attempts to connect with fortune cookie politness that pretends nothing ever happened and backed off any attempt to meet, telling me she will be at the bar I frequent (where we met) that night and if I want to catch-up cool but she'll understand if I don't want to talk to her. I can't fathom how that could be a conincidence.  Classic 'her' in that it is utterly constructed to protect her from exposure. She can't just come out and say 'I'd love to get together' but there is no other reason to go to my bar; she has her own wine bar with people and bartendes she knows far closer to her house, my place seats 10-15 so you can't just go there and hide and she knows no one but me.  It is the first time she has even hinted at the fact she may have done something wrong or that there may even be an issue or a past with us. I simply texted back "feel free to stop by when you want or not, you can say hi if you want or not, I am ok with any of it". She replied and I ignored the reply since I think (hope) my message was clear; I've moved on. And I have. All I really wonder about is how I ever allowed myself to get involved with someone whose # I had from the get-go and who I was not even attracted to physically, spirtitually, emotionally or intellectually. And I realize I let myself get to a bad place and that is a bad place to make decisions from.

So thank you all for the ear and the advice and even the exile and the space. The whirlpool I got sucked into is well behind me in my wake and disappeared almost completely over the horizon.

[1stTimer]

For anyone who followed The Travails of 1stTimer you might have noticed a long absence. Partially self-enforced ;) As helpful as this board is, it was becoming detrimental to me to endlessly analyze and discuss the pwBPD situation and with some distance from the board I started to in fact address the issues in my life that even made it possible for the whole, on reflection, ridiculous debacle. I did get spun out of control so apologize for any drama I caused in my writhings  

I realized that I'd not dealt with a lot of loss in my life prior and, to beat a metaophor to death, was holding on to something I didn't really care about because it was a liferaft instead of continuing my swim to shore. Worse yet the liferaft was inside a whirlpool so no wonder I came up with no answers holding on to it. I hope any of that makes sense to someone here

In any event I concentrated on reevaluating my lofty goals with my business and lowered them to ones that could provide me with the life I've been trying so hard to restore and that opened up a lot of opportunities not to mention my eyes. I met a super nice woman. Though she hardly speaks English and heads back to her own country soon, it was an eye opener as it was a return to the type of woman I always dated in the past before my pwBPD detour; gracious, sweet, kind, supportive, drama-fee, able to recieve and able to give.  Funny thing is every friend of hers we socialize with (who generally has to translate for her) tells me how she says how kind and giving and supportive I am of her. Contrast starkly with pwBPD who kept telling me how much everyone said I had to give her. Both the business epiphanies and the new woman really got me centered again on who I was and what I wanted and clarified what an inane situation I allowed myself to get into in my terror at what my life had become.

Some interesting pwBPD notes; after never reaching out to me after my (totally undeserved by her) Grand Gesture which she asked me to be available to talk about on a moments notice by her, I really just dropped the whole situation (as the rest of everything gelled). A couple months later however as I surveyed my options for the business, I did reach out to her as she had offered to introduce me to her boss/best-friend when I was ready who was a mover-shaker in my field and could have helped tremendously. As I'd helped her get a massive raise with my own efforts I felt it was fair to reach out. I did so, but in the email I first 'apologized' for the over-the-top GG, stating the due all the losses in my life (which she knew of) I hadn't handled the unexpected loss of her well, and that all I'd been trying to do was assure her I had cared for her since she expressed doubt about that at the end and let's move on.  I got one of her carefully crafted replies, to the effect that she 'cannot help with that right now'. BS, but I replied 'Thank you anyway, best of luck to you'.  Yet another in a long line of replies that showed just what kind of person/woman she was and lucky to have dodged that bullet.

Funny enough I also found a vid of her she'd shared once before and my first impression was 'really? THAT is who I obsessed about for two months? I didn't even LIKE that person'. So clearly a bunch of things came together to make me realize there were issues here that had nothing to do with her and which I then took care of handling instead. And ... poof ... .she was gone from my mind.

The funny part of this is I went to this great dinner with the new gf with all her friends, they loved me, and we took a pic B&W group photo at the dinner with her and I happy as clams and her beautiful and glowing. I liked it so much I did something I rarely do; posted it on Facebook. 4 hours later I get a text from pwBPD who has not reached out ONCE to me in the 5+ months since The Discard, who has replied to any of my attempts to connect with fortune cookie politness that pretends nothing ever happened and backed off any attempt to meet, telling me she will be at the bar I frequent (where we met) that night and if I want to catch-up cool but she'll understand if I don't want to talk to her. I can't fathom how that could be a conincidence.  Classic 'her' in that it is utterly constructed to protect her from exposure. She can't just come out and say 'I'd love to get together' but there is no other reason to go to my bar; she has her own wine bar with people and bartendes she knows far closer to her house, my place seats 10-15 so you can't just go there and hide and she knows no one but me.  It is the first time she has even hinted at the fact she may have done something wrong or that there may even be an issue or a past with us. I simply texted back "feel free to stop by when you want or not, you can say hi if you want or not, I am ok with any of it". She replied and I ignored the reply since I think (hope) my message was clear; I've moved on. And I have. All I really wonder about is how I ever allowed myself to get involved with someone whose # I had from the get-go and who I was not even attracted to physically, spirtitually, emotionally or intellectually. And I realize I let myself get to a bad place and that is a bad place to make decisions from.

So thank you all for the ear and the advice and even the exile and the space. The whirlpool I got sucked into is well behind me in my wake and disappeared almost completely over the horizon.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 1st Timer, Whirlpools can be dangerous, and think you are wise to avoid.  Sounds like you have found someone new, so good for you.

LuckyJim

[spero]

Hello there 1stTimer,

How are you doing? Its has perhaps been a while since you've been here. How are you doing now.
It does look like you're in a process of moving on, and am in a new relationship.
I won't delve into the possibly psychology of why your previous pwBPD has reached out.
That being said, how are you taking this whole recent turn of events.

Yours,
Spero

[Skip]

I hope any of that makes sense to someone here  

It does. And dating can be helpful as long as we stay grounded.

So now that you are up for air and you can see her and you can see you, what do you see?

[1stTimer]

How are you doing? Its has perhaps been a while since you've been here. How are you doing now.
It does look like you're in a process of moving on, and am in a new relationship.
I won't delve into the possibly psychology of why your previous pwBPD has reached out.
That being said, how are you taking this whole recent turn of events.

Hi Spero, thanks for the reply. I'm taking it all well, I feel like myself for the first time in years actually.  The move-on from pwBPD was pretty fast once I got my head around the issue; basically holding on like a drowning man instead of swimming for shore. Once I let go of the floatsam (sorry **** ) the course of action was pretty clear. I think that course is what attracted a lot of new options into my life, including this very nice lady who reminded me of who I am and the kind of ladies and relationships I like and have had.

On her psychology who knows; likely it was the FB post. I mean surmising but given it was 4 hours after the post with the new GF and she has not reached out once otherwise in 5+ months odds are good. In any event it was a classic selfish self-serving communication and, as with all her post "break-up" communications solidified in my mind the exact kind of person she is. I had in stark contrast to it the prior evening night out with gf and her friends and was still riding high that evening wearing the same suit and smile  I'd had the night before so the text to me was ultimately meaningless other than the contrast it provided for me. I was at the very bar she said she might pop into and could not have cared less if she 'stopped in' or not.

[1stTimer]

It does. And dating can be helpful as long as we stay grounded.

So now that you are up for air and you can see her and you can see you, what do you see?

Hi Skip. In my case the dating was good only because it was a return to the kind of woman I usually date and attract and the fact I attracted her and was open to her was a good sign about where I'd come to over the prior couple months. I'd gotten myself into the shape of my life which was good for me for a lot of reasons, and gotten my head around the best course of action to parlay what I've worked on into a life again. So it isn't even that I am dating as much as the fact that is who I attracted vs the pwBPD (who is a type I never attracted or was attracted to before). She appreciates all the little things I do as a man for her and she does all the little things that I appreciate from a woman. For instance; at the big dinner with all her friends where I was the only non-asian there, the men kept toasting me every 5 minutes, and it became clear it was something of a good-natured roast/welcome to the club/test. After about two dozen "Gambai!" which progressed from wine to moitai to whiskey, I excused myself to the rest room, when I came out it turned out she had ordered an Uber claiming to not feel so well. In the car I asked her if I could do anything to help and she said she was fine, she just wanted to get me out of there before it got out of hand. Gracious and feminine and watching my back.

In terms of xpwBPD and myself? I don't know if I see it much differently than I did. Am I still furious or angry at her? No. But I don't see any of the innocent oh-well part of her behavior that you did. I think it was reprehensible from Day 1 still. And I think our respective behaviors after 'the break-up' says it all; I reached out to provide caring and closure and space without asking for a thing, an explanation, an apology. She gave me nothing except carefully constructed replies that protected her and provided me not only no closure, they didn't even acknowledge anything had happened or existed. She reached out once to meet and made me feel like a fool when I accepted, she asked me to be available at an hours notice to speak and then left me hanging with no follow-up.

When I reached out with the last letter she again didn't have the grace to even acknowledge a thing I said as if it didn't exist. The proper reply at that point would have been "1sttimer, no need to apologize for the letter. I get you were hurt from our parting, I was too, it meant a lot to me you said such nice things and yes it is all behind us. and of course I can contact Mr. Big to ask him to see you". But she ignored 'us' again and refused to even reach out to him. Lastly, she either a) reached out to meet without making it seem like she was the moment it was clear I was seeing someone new or b) decided of all the gin joints in the world she just had to visit my little 10-seat gin joint and to let me know in advance it was ok to talk to her or ignore her (implicitly acknowledging for the first time at least that something happened).

So I see her as I did when I first met her; a damaged, shallow and selfish little girl. is she the Anti-Christ? Is she Evil Incarnate? Did she intentionally try to mind-f me? No, no and no. She is what she is, which is something I don't want or like or love, I knew it when I met her and I allowed myself to believe otherwise for awhile because I needed to and I paid the price for that.

All in all, it was a good crisis that forced me to take stock of decisions I'd made and to change some assumptions I made and try to find myself and my strength again. I have a possible deal in the works that would put the final seal on the last 10+ year limbo stage of my life and catapult me to the life I wanted and worked so hard for.

[Cromwell]

Pleased to hear it 1stTimer

Its interesting to hear how you have not only bounced back but somehow leveraged what happened to propel forward. I found the same, i stopped feeling sorry for myself and in some ways have to credit meeting my ex for spurring me on to work hard to "make up" for what happened.

when I think of the situation I was in when we met, I was doing "ok" I was "happy" but it really was just meandering through life without having much of a clear goal, I had gave up on many dreams.

To a huge extent, getting my life not only back on track, but a bit surreal - to be realising some old forgotten dreams has erased a lot of bitterness of feeling victimised.

There are many posts that are on the theme of "I feel used", "I feel I wasted my time". "I wish id never met him/her"

I could relate, yet at the same time didnt dwell on it, I couldnt change the past but every second was at stake "now", and its that what ive worked hard to start salvaging. I guess it was part rooted in defiance, I didnt want to give her the pleasure of knocking me down and that id join her in that misery state. How it works in her mind is "im a good person, Cromwells a bad person, bad things happen to bad people, Cromwell is down in the dirt now, ergo - he must be bad"

it is part of that childish fairytale thinking in the absence of rational.

its why I dont let her know what im up to though, if she knew I was happy in a relationship, career (like I was prior to being with her), it becomes sabotage time,

in contrast, if I would be in misery for perpetuity she wouldnt show any interest. this is where I relate very much to you getting contacted when you posted the picture on FB.

It was uplifting to read your post, well done putting it behind you and moving towards a life more fulfilling, I know its not been easy one bit. Congrats.  

[1stTimer]

Pleased to hear it 1stTimer

Its interesting to hear how you have not only bounced back but somehow leveraged what happened to propel forward. I found the same, i stopped feeling sorry for myself and in some ways have to credit meeting my ex for spurring me on to work hard to "make up" for what happened. ...

Hi Cromwell, I'm glad you used what happened to create forward momentum as well. In my case I'm not sure I did it with any real care of what she thought of my success (or failure) but in any case whatever it takes for an individual to 'make things happen for a reason'. A saying I  hate since it implies that things were meant to be whereas I interpret to mean 'you can make something good out of something bad or not'.

I am glad it was uplifting, it is one reason I returned since I spewed a lot of confusion and acrimony on the board a few months back. I feel uplifted. I had tried to put my finger on what it was about this situation that drove me face down in the dirt since I've dealt with a lot and in fact I, prior to then, had used every set back to create an even better product (on the biz I was working on). Someone once asked me 'what motivates you to work this hard every day of the week and year after year without stopping?' and I said "Fury and Terror. Fury and Terror." It is one reason my friends and family got so concerned since I was wallowing vs transforming and clearly it was not about her. I figured out a couple of the triggers and it was not her an it was not 'the sex'. Since I was trying so hard to regain a real life again, the thing that really sucked me into the whirlpool to start were when she offered me keys to her place and then when she emptied out drawers for me to 'start moving your life into'. A life. A place. A partner. And on The Day when she did the whole 'king size bed for us to sleep in every day' and the 'we need pet names' and the 'Saturday nights will be our date night' (when they'd been alone time for years) that all dragged me into the reality that I had not had a life, that if my biz didn't take off I would not, and here it was plopped in front of me. So I grabbed on and flipped out when it was then yanked away.

The answer wasn't grabbing on though it was letting go and moving forward which seems pretty obvious now but I guess when you're choking on water that is churning around your head you grab on to the floatsam nearest you.  And like you the solution was realizing some forgotten dreams. I'd gotten so obsessed with creating The Next Big Thing I forgot that creating something good and living and loving well were all things I'd wanted before that quest. So I guess in addition to letting go of the floatsum (her) I let go of the jetsum (The Big Dream) and let the whirlpool spit me out

I'm not sure if she even saw the FB, just guessing since, again, it was 4 hours after I posted it that she reached out for the first time ever and even hinted at the recognition that something had gone on between us at all and in fact she might have done something wrong. Like I said, I don't even care now. The girl I'm seeing now went to freaking St. Patricks' Cathedral to light candles for me for my upcoming meeting the other day and then texted me she couldn't sleep she was so nervous for me. I'd forgotten what dating a woman like that felt like and it just simply helped erase the slightest bit of caring about or for pwBPD.

BTW the part about her not showing interest if you were in misery; there is a great term someone once told me; Foul-Weather Friend. Fair-Weather friends we all know; they only show up when you have money or fame or things you can share with them. Foul-Weather friends are far worse; they are leeches that show up when you fall to your knees to feed off your misery. Just keep doing good things for yourself Cromwell and your xpwBPD (doesn't even deserve caps IMHO) will disappear like smoke from your life and your mind and heart.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear 1stT-

I am so glad to see you and heartened to hear how well you’re doing!

You know, I’ve seen some friends of these boards state that they look for the “gift” after painful relationships end with pwBPD.  I’d say you’ve found your “gift” , or gifts rather quickly.  The wisdom that you can be happy in business creating something good; and the joys of simple kindness from a loving and open-hearted woman.

I truly believe the experience you went through did make you step back and release all the flotsam and jetsam that had been drowning you for years.  Smooth waters, my friend... .

Wishing you so much joy, success and love in your life!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[1stTimer]

Hi Gems, thank you soo much for your kind words and even more importantly your unwavering,  empathetic and no-nonsense support when I was floundering. If helped me swim out of the whirlpool without a doubt  Nice to find simple kindness from a loving and open-hearted woman on the board as well as off is what I am trying to say

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh 1stT... .your words have elevated my spirits on an otherwise pretty traumatic and sad day.  Thank you so much!

Hugs to you,
Gems

[Skip]

I'd gotten myself into the shape of my life which was good for me for a lot of reasons, and gotten my head around the best course of action to parlay what I've worked on into a life again... //...   I see her as I did when I first met her; a damaged, shallow and selfish little girl. is she the Anti-Christ? Is she Evil Incarnate? Did she intentionally try to mind-f me? No, no and no. She is what she is, which is something I don't want or like or love, I knew it when I met her and I allowed myself to believe otherwise for awhile because I needed to and I paid the price for that ... //... All in all, it was a good crisis that forced me to take stock of decisions I'd made and to change some assumptions I made and try to find myself and my strength again. I have a possible deal in the works that would put the final seal on the last 10+ year limbo stage of my life and catapult me to the life I wanted and worked so hard for.

Why did you need to believe in her?

[1stTimer]

Why did you need to believe in her?

Because as you know I had very little in my life, and my future was looking more and more dim. I had become close to her and, as you may also remember, she was quite good at presenting herself as the kind of woman I'd like (faithful, supportive, monogamous). And after awhile the relentless pushing for a relationship, the pressure to not move to Cali but stay in NY with her, etc. started to seem sincere or at least I started to need to believe someone could feel that way about me then. It is like I said in my opening remark in this thread; I needed to believe in her because I was in the deep water with nothing to hold on to. I grabbed on and got sucked into her whirlpool.  I guess I got tired of the swim to shore, didn't think I was going to make it anymore and had choice between swimming harder or grabbing on to this floatsum that kept bumping into me. Not sure how else to put it Skip. Then I did an got sucked into her whirlpool and the floatsum got yanked away and I thought I had to double-down and go find it instead of a) realizing it got me into the whirldpool in the first place b) swimming out of the whirlpool instead and b) continuing my swim to shore. I'll stop now before I start adding the metaphorical man-o-wars, shark fins, water spouts, the lovely mermaid, and the white sand beach that started to look not only closer but even more appealing then the crystal city in the distance

For a less poetic/metaphorial answer I'll point you to part of my reply to Cromwell:

"I figured out a couple of the triggers and it was not her and it was not 'the sex'. Since I was trying so hard to regain a real life again, the thing that really sucked me into the whirlpool to start were when she offered me keys to her place and then when she emptied out drawers for me to 'start moving your life into'. A life. A place. A partner. And on The Day when she did the whole 'king size bed for us to sleep in every day' and the 'we need pet names' and the 'Saturday nights will be our date night' (when they'd been alone time for years) that all dragged me into the reality that I had not had a life, that if my biz didn't take off I would not, and here it was plopped in front of me. So I grabbed on and flipped out when it was then yanked away.

The answer wasn't grabbing on though it was letting go and moving forward which seems pretty obvious now but I guess when you're choking on water that is churning around your head you grab on to the floatsam nearest you"

[1stTimer]

Oh 1stT... .your words have elevated my spirits on an otherwise pretty traumatic and sad day.  Thank you so much!

Hugs to you,
Gems

Hugs right back to you Gems and I hope your day got or is getting better.