Is this a good boundary considering my situation and time?

[LJS0617]

I’m asking and telling u about my situation to ask for help and insight. Words can’t do justice to what i have tried and what has done nothing but no good and harm to my well being and confidence. I set this boundary for myself and to not allow my husband to continue the daily damage. I gave other options which rewarded and enabled the behavior. He is testing and saying and showing that I am the cause of his reaction and acceptance of this boundary bc it’s wrong. He is so uncomfortable not knowing but just as much if not worse when he did get to know.

Also:  prior to this I had to take all alarm sensors off doors in our house e bc he obsessed and accused and sent me messages 50 times a day while at work of what or who was here. Who left. What door and why... .that was hard for. Him but it is still in place and working. It took me taking drastic measures to stop his drastic handling of his emotions. They are so unregulated by him and consistent yet out of nowhere sometimes. But often ... .so here is the recent event I need help and insight with please.


For 3 years he has wanted to be in charge of finances. He never did the leg work, to do a budget. See forward or realize the big picture. So, I would do the excel sheet and do forecast of known and some possible unknown costs to relieve his anxiety. It was always him jumping the gun and sending me a text right after I made a charge or one was made for a payment he saw wrong and way too much. He alerted himself of every swipe I did and I could expect a text after each most times asking... ”what are u up to?”  He knew the answer bc I just got groceries. So I answered anyway. Simply. And then boom!  He attacked and wanted receipt and what and why and would say I just got groceries days ago when it was more than that. So, I then would get him before I would swipe. Bc he said if he knew he could handle. My needs as a woman began to get more neglected and i would avoid the normal and consistent thing I did for myself. A pedi that I got every 6 weeks became one I gave myself 1-2 times a year. Bc I thought would help it all and him. I did more work and gave less to myself to sacrifice and hope the daily stopped. It didn’t. It was daily and has been for 3 years. So I recently set the boundary or I guess took control of myself and my well being. I withdrew $7000 cash and didn’t tell him but he texted and freaked out seconds after I did. His alerts are on and when he said he turned them off to help. I maintained firm and he wanted a healthier solution and he then said he realized what he had and he handled wrong. He agreed to give me time to come up with another... .I said ok and it was 2 days later he began in and worse with it all. Obsessed tonsay the least. I felt free of so much and relieved. The money as I told him should last a year if not more and it’s on me but bc he couldn’t handle knowing everything, it would allow him to. It have to and i could take care of my needs and if money runs out... .I’ll come back to him and admit or prove it was for the better. The better of me and him. What it has caused is him realizing a lot more of similar things he didn’t handle well... .BUT it often angers him and he justifies his abusive words and actions and insult bc I did this to him. Bc of my choice. I didn’t choose this after attempting to understand this and after 5 tries. I did so after thousands. And all was my time and effort. So... thoughts?  Suggestions ?  Insight?  Thanks in advance. I’m questioning my choice but my gut tells me it was right. And stay firm. If he had given time and shown change and effect positively, I would be more likely to compromise. But I can’t keep enabling and rewarding his behavior as i have done and made everything worse for me, mg kids and my marriage. Thx for the time if anyone can give it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi LJS0617,

Is your H still doing DBT?

Does he recognize the monitoring is not healthy for him? Meaning, is it a behavior he wants to change?

He is obsessing as a way to manage his anxiety, and apparently one of his outlets for obsession/control is through alerts and monitoring.

Removing the alerts and monitoring so he cannot track you solves your problem, but it sounds like his problem was made worse (trust) without a way to gradually wean off his compulsive behaviors.

It would be easier if he recognized that the compulsions were not healthy for him. He may not see this as his problem because you were able to solve it, if that makes sense.

[LJS0617]

He says a lot after he has gone through a really bad cycle. So days and is really bad. He says a lot that sounds good and gives me hope and i give a fresh start and out of nowhere sometimes and within days or the same day he does it again. It is like I get mistakes and they happen and can but the same one that has over 500 times to me is a choice. I tried to relieve his anxiety and control multiple ways that took my time and felt wrong and gross but i was willing to do it. Check in. Inform him before he sees it and also let him ask and ask and I just simply answer but when I was calm and did that it only made him up His game. He can recognize it today and by tomorrow do the same thing again and deny and completely forget having the conversation and him admitting and wanting change. I understand what u say that he is worse and better for me. When I tried everything that wasn’t even better for me to make it better for him... .it didn’t work. So how i looked at it was I have to take care of myself. I can protect and do that. So if one of us was better that is better than what was taking so much energy and causing way more hurt. I would love your thoughts more and suggestions if u have them. Thanks.

[Radcliff]

Having your spending so closely monitored must have felt invasive and stressful.  Having some money of your own sounds like a good way to reduce conflict.  Taking $7,000 without discussing it with him in advance, though, likely raised the conflict level.  I liked your idea of trying the experiment with separate money for a while to see if it reduces conflict.  A year is a long time, though, to wait for the experiment, a long time to run with a plan you declared without prior agreement.  What would you think about making a 3-6 month budget for yourself, and returning the money that is more than you need for that initial trial period?  Might that show some flexibility to him while still maintaining your boundary and independence? 

RC

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you.  It must be very stressful to feel monitored so closely.  Has your husband ever made any threat of consequences if you don't go along with the scrutiny of what you are doing and what you spend?  

How long have you been married?  Has this behaviour been constant during your r/s or developed more recently (you state the last 3 years)?

Boundaries are about us, what we do or don't do and not what someone else does.  We can only control and take responsibility for ourselves.  There is a workshop HERE which gives some examples of how to set healthy boundaries, which I have found really helpful.  I'd advise you to start by reading the article which it links to if you haven't already.  

Where have things been left regarding the finances and the monitoring?  What has been said/agreed to by each of you?  Let's see what we're working with.

We're here for you.

Love and light x

[livednlearned]

I get mistakes and they happen and can but the same one that has over 500 times to me is a choice

It's a really really really hard choice is how I see it with my BPD loved one. The need driving the behavior is so powerful, and so strong, that it takes a heroic effort to make whatever change she is trying to make. And using willpower to make changes is like a muscle that gets tired over time.

Not to excuse your H's choices, only to put in perspective that choice implies it's simple to choose other behaviors that are less destructive to the marriage.

I tried to relieve his anxiety and control multiple ways that took my time and felt wrong and gross but i was willing to do it. Check in. Inform him before he sees it and also let him ask and ask and I just simply answer but when I was calm and did that it only made him up His game.

Like you said, appeasing him by giving in to anxiety isn't working, and makes things tough for you.

His need for control is to manage the intense anxiety that prevents him from feeling more negative emotions, including no emotions at all.

Do you participate in any of the DBT work? There is something in DBT called opposite to emotion action. I wonder if you can talk in advance with him about which opposite action might work when he feels anxious about not knowing who is in the house and what's happening -- where you're going, what you're buying, etc.

What he is learning in DBT can be harnessed and reinforced by you to give him skills for managing his anxiety so he learns other ways to cope. Right now he is using you to regulate his emotions. DBT is about helping him become responsible for regulating his own emotions.

If he does this already and falls off the wagon, he may need positive reinforcement (we all do) because otherwise the BPD traits will distort his tiny little changes into failures he could not do perfectly 100 percent of the time.