Picking myself up

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Everyone. This is my first post. I am a 40 year old man recovering from a failed relationship with a woman with BPD.

It started with her cheating on her boyfriend of 7 years with me. That should have been the first red flag, but she made him sound so awful that I thought I was helping the poor girl. We started seeing each other but then I had to move away about a year ago and it became long distance. My mental health consistently declined as soon as the relationship started. There was not much of a honeymoon.

The last time I saw her was when she visited me 4 months ago, after which she pushed me away and went into rage when I wanted to come visit at a time that wasn't good for her, and told me it was all over. By then I had stopped believing her -- it was typical for her to say stuff like that in her rages. But the rages, crying fits and self-harm were getting worse, and she realized she needed serious help. So she started DBT.

She began to make sense more in our calls and texts but after about a month she decided to 'move on'. She was saying the relationship was over, but I was in denial and couldn't believe she would just dump me without offering any kind of compassion or closure, given how much of my life and sanity I had already sacrificed for her. We were incredibly close, the closest I've been to anyone including my ex-wife. How could she just drop me like that with no compassion? I thought she just needed space.

For the rest of the relationship she never offered any comfort or support. She split, blamed, and belittled me when she wasn't giving me the silent treatment. To this day she has not acknowledged the role of her behavior in my sinking into the deepest depression and isolation of my life, as I became a shell of my former self. She is now seeing someone new and won't give me the time of day, beyond to tell me she is so much better and that I should look into DBT myself. There were some good times, but most of the last 1.5-2 years of my life have been pretty much hell.

Were it not for my family talking to me on the phone daily for hours the last couple months, I may have not made it. At some point I was asking them if they'd be ok if I ended my life... .that's how bad my depression was. After one last time a week ago when she went on an abusive rant when I asked to talk to her, I finally realized answers were not coming. She either doesn't understand how much she hurt me or doesn't care. She's in week 14 of 24 of her DBT, but it's clearly not enough and anyway the focus will be on herself and future relationships, not on our failed relationship, which makes sense given the magnitude of her condition.

I know I need to move on and pick up the pieces without her in my life. I am committed to never seeing her again or being friends, although as I heal maybe that will change. Who knows. I have now gone 7 days without contacting her. I've blocked her on all social media, phone, and text, and her emails are being forwarded directly to someone I trust, who I've asked only to forward it to me if it is an emergency. She has not emailed and I am realizing she probably will not, as she is continuing therapy, has secured a new relationship, and says the failure was mostly about my being the type of guy that triggers her. The most painful part is she can't acknowledge how much she hurt me. But I have accepted that too.

Anyway, I'm picking up the pieces now and looking forward, reconnecting with old friends. My therapist has given me homework to identify my values, imagine my life in the future, and stay focused on healing. I am naturally a caring and compassionate person. I want to be able to support those that are going through what I went through and get support from those that have already recovered.

I'm looking forward to it.

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi Everyone. This is my first post. I am a 40 year old man recovering from a failed relationship with a woman with BPD.

It started with her cheating on her boyfriend of 7 years with me. That should have been the first red flag, but she made him sound so awful that I thought I was helping the poor girl. We started seeing each other but then I had to move away about a year ago and it became long distance. My mental health consistently declined as soon as the relationship started. There was not much of a honeymoon.

The last time I saw her was when she visited me 4 months ago, after which she pushed me away and went into rage when I wanted to come visit at a time that wasn't good for her, and told me it was all over. By then I had stopped believing her -- it was typical for her to say stuff like that in her rages. But the rages, crying fits and self-harm were getting worse, and she realized she needed serious help. So she started DBT.

She began to make sense more in our calls and texts but after about a month she decided to 'move on'. She was saying the relationship was over, but I was in denial and couldn't believe she would just dump me without offering any kind of compassion or closure, given how much of my life and sanity I had already sacrificed for her. We were incredibly close, the closest I've been to anyone including my ex-wife. How could she just drop me like that with no compassion? I thought she just needed space.

For the rest of the relationship she never offered any comfort or support. She split, blamed, and belittled me when she wasn't giving me the silent treatment. To this day she has not acknowledged the role of her behavior in my sinking into the deepest depression and isolation of my life, as I became a shell of my former self. She is now seeing someone new and won't give me the time of day, beyond to tell me she is so much better and that I should look into DBT myself. There were some good times, but most of the last 1.5-2 years of my life have been pretty much hell.

Were it not for my family talking to me on the phone daily for hours the last couple months, I may have not made it. At some point I was asking them if they'd be ok if I ended my life... .that's how bad my depression was. After one last time a week ago when she went on an abusive rant when I asked to talk to her, I finally realized answers were not coming. She either doesn't understand how much she hurt me or doesn't care. She's in week 14 of 24 of her DBT, but it's clearly not enough and anyway the focus will be on herself and future relationships, not on our failed relationship, which makes sense given the magnitude of her condition.

I know I need to move on and pick up the pieces without her in my life. I am committed to never seeing her again or being friends, although as I heal maybe that will change. Who knows. I have now gone 7 days without contacting her. I've blocked her on all social media, phone, and text, and her emails are being forwarded directly to someone I trust, who I've asked only to forward it to me if it is an emergency. She has not emailed and I am realizing she probably will not, as she is continuing therapy, has secured a new relationship, and says the failure was mostly about my being the type of guy that triggers her. The most painful part is she can't acknowledge how much she hurt me. But I have accepted that too.

Anyway, I'm picking up the pieces now and looking forward, reconnecting with old friends. My therapist has given me homework to identify my values, imagine my life in the future, and stay focused on healing. I am naturally a caring and compassionate person. I want to be able to support those that are going through what I went through and get support from those that have already recovered.

I'm looking forward to it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ataloss, I'm sorry to hear about your BPD ordeal, which I'm afraid is quite familiar to a lot of us here.  You are definitely not alone!  How long were you together?  Those w/BPD are experts at shifting the blame to the Non, so I recommend that you be careful about shouldering all, or most, of the responsibility for your break-up.  Sad to say, most BPD relationships are not built to last, for the reasons you describe.  I suggest you return the focus to YOU and your needs.  Be kind and compassionate to yourself.  Don't beat yourself up!  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient.

LuckyJim

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi LuckyJim thanks for your reply. We were 'together' for about a year I would say, although there was so much drama packed in to that time, constantly splitting up and getting back together. The whole thing is such a fog, all I know is it took up nearly all of my energy and I stopped interacting with friends and family. It was particularly hard because I moved to a new place and we were trying to make it work long distance... .not the best thing to try on a good day, let alone when someone has serious abandonment issues. Looking back the relationship was on very weak footing, but somehow my persistence and idealism combined with her highly unstable behavior and ability to keep me coming back for more kept it going as long as it did. At the end I had nothing and she managed somehow to get therapy and find a new relationship in our hometown. Biggest lesson was never to consistently put someone else's needs before my own and assume they will be able to take care of me when they get better.

[once removed]

you know, i was quite a mess for some months after we broke up, but when i resigned myself to the idea that it was really over, there was a shift, a dark one. do you think youve hit a new stage of grief?

im glad to hear youre seeing a therapist, and it sounds like they have you on a good healing path. theres something about rediscovering, or discovering our values and learning to live them, that i think can really help one to emotionally detach from the relationship. how is that work going?

[atalosstoaccept]

I have felt a darkness already. It came from accepting that she is not the person I thought she was and that the only way I can get better is to have her out of my life. The very thing that allows her to move on so easily, the lack of self and ability to project her cynicism onto others, is what has left me haunted and questioning what it means to love and care for someone.  But I think maybe that's what I've been processing and now I am more focused on myself and knowing that *I* can love and care and know who I am. So maybe I am further along and emerging from that particular darkness? Maybe because it was a long distance thing for a year I experienced the detachment in a more prolonged and chaotic way, I don't know... .

I am traveling for a month and can't see my therapist, but the homework is going well. I'm throwing myself back into work and learning not to be so hard on myself. This whole ordeal has forced me to change the way I think and finally focus on my own well-being, and I am getting a lot of peace from that.

[Coastered]

atalosstoaccept

I know exactly how you feel.  Ever been told that you are the one with BPD or a narcassist?  Ever been told everything (and I mean everything) is all your fault?  Does this person shoulder no blame, or if does, cycles the blame?

For example they could admit some blame but backhandedly ,
 I know I am to blame for the relationship breaking down as well, I should not have tolerated you for so long"

Do you see what they did there?

They will not accept any wrongdoings and we would be foolish to think they would.  The only thing we could do is to speak to them differently and step back from responding more than anyone else would have to do in a functioning relationship.

BPD people act out of feelings and not reasoning, they appear to act like children in an adults body and sadly have difficulty expressing emotions normally.

The person you loved was sadly never there, they were using a coping mechanism when the high of the relationship was new and they understood they could not 'act out'.  The acting out comes when they feel a little more secure.  Yes, it is like a mask slipping.

People can have relationships with BPD individuals but there has to be a lot, I mean A LOT of work invested and they do need to seak out support for themselves.

In a rage anything that was said was probably not meant, or at the least, not processed correctly by the person suffering.  DO NOT go to that dark place where you start to believe what they said.  They were mostly from feelings that were not based on any facts.

Wishing you the best of luck.

[atalosstoaccept]

The closest she has come to shouldering blame has been to talk about 'our dynamic' or to say she is confused. And that was only in our last interactions, after she started to get therapy. Before she would just go silent, yell at me, tell me she wanted to date our coworkers and why wouldn't she given how insecure I am.

She wanted to date our coworkers until the day I left town for a new job. Then she suddenly lost all feelings for them and wanted to follow me to the new place... .when she didn't. And she couldn't understand why I didn't trust her and was skeptical!

The worst thing is that she used my own insecurities against me when she couldn't look at herself in the mirror, which made her more black and guilty inside, which made her abuse me even more, and on the cycle went. I was her punching bag for when she needed a break from harming herself. A very cynical person.

The weird thing is I still feel she loved me and it was special.  I don't like stereotyping people and I know she is not just her disorder. But I have gained the wisdom to know I need to wait until I am MUCH better before I attempt to understand her, if I'm still interested in figuring that out. I have learned I have to keep the focus on me, for my own sanity. That's what keeps me from wanting to contact her. I'm so thankful I turned that corner.

I also realized that all my life I've been more concerned with troubled and wounded people (like myself, actually), as though I were looking for redemption by fixing them. I now know I have to channel that urge to help into more healthy activities, and only after I learn how to help myself and heal my own wounds.

And thanks a lot for what you said about people with BPD. One can read it in books or articles, but when it comes from someone who has been through it, it carries a lot more weight and comfort. I'm just trying not to add to my regrets that I didn't come to this site sooner.

[Coastered]

The worst thing is that she used my own insecurities against me when she couldn't look at herself in the mirror,

You are not alone.  I have had the same thing, they seem to pick up on things and at a later date use them against you.  Again its not a conscious act, they are down and often it is reassuring to them that if you are down also you will both be on an equal footing.  Your insecurities will be used against you, as will private things.  Borderlines can be loving people, at times more so than non borderline people but when they are in a dark place they can also be so vicious.  The rages for example have to be experienced first hand to be believed.  The things they say are vicious, vile, horrible, horrendous.  Its like nothing you have experienced before.  The normal restraints are gone and the gloves are off.  Anything that can be said to hurt WILL be said to hurt.  Anything and EVERYTHING.  Do not believe one word of it, it is all untrue.

. At some point I was asking them if they'd be ok if I ended my life... .

Have you overcome this urge?  I have indeed felt the same so please do not feel any shame whatsoever but please, if the thoughts return seek medical help as soon as possible.  A good coping method I used was that in six months my life could be so much better and what I am feeling now is 'more of the moment'.  I can tell just by what you post that you have so much to offer, do not let someone else dictate how you feel especially when it comes so precious as your life.

You can always Private Message me or email me if you need any support.  We are all going though the same thing and if anything making friends here could end up being the greatest gift.

The weird thing is I still feel she loved me and it was special.

I hear you loud and clear, it breaks my heart thinking about just that thing.

I also realized that all my life I've been more concerned with troubled and wounded people (like myself, actually), as though I were looking for redemption by fixing them.  

Now that my friend brought a tear to my eye, and I am a 45 year old man

You could indeed be me, it was like I did not matter, I would put myself last purely to help others almost always to my own detriment.  I do not mean to be nosy but did you have an unloved or troubled childhood?


We are all here for you and things will get better.

[atalosstoaccept]

Have you overcome this urge?

I have thank god. I won't let myself forget how it felt because I don't ever want to be at that point again. I respect the deep wound she has left in me and, for now, I know letting her close could still get me back to feeling that way. I have faith that eventually this will not be the case.

You can always Private Message me or email me if you need any support.  We are all going though the same thing and if anything making friends here could end up being the greatest gift.

Thanks, and you can do the same.   I can't say enough how happy I am to have found this forum.

Now that my friend brought a tear to my eye, and I am a 45 year old man

We are sensitive, loving, and strong, but perhaps we didn't value ourselves enough. Do you feel like you really love yourself now? I'm just curious since you seem 'ahead' of me in the process.

You could indeed be me, it was like I did not matter, I would put myself last purely to help others almost always to my own detriment.  I do not mean to be nosy but did you have an unloved or troubled childhood?

Yup, quite troubled. That is the silver lining of this awful relationship, I am learning more now about myself and how to improve my life than I ever thought possible. So fixing myself is the redemption I was seeking, I guess  

[Radcliff]

Though the wounds are fresh, it sounds like you've actually made a lot of progress towards healing.  Focusing on yourself, in particular, puts you in control of the healing process.  Can you tell us more about how you're looking at yourself and your own healing?

RC

[Long_term_dad]

Hi atalosstoaccept,

Boy I really relate to you.  I am very aware there's a part of me that fit like a glove with her dysfunction (you could say our dysfunction) and we kind of had a bargain from early on: I needed fixing, and she could fix me (long story).  I would never enter into a relationship on such an unconscious premises, but I did once... .and that lasted for decades.  That said, I find I am drawn to narcissist women.  I at once fear them and there's a primal part of me that's drawn to them. That really scares me so I am spending lots of time and energy trying to understand this.

I also don't want to reduce "my BPD" to her disorder.  It makes me a bit sad actually.

I was at a school parent meeting ("back to school night") a couple of weeks ago, and I hadn't seen her for a week or two, but as parents of one kid we represented our kid in each classroom. In that 90 minutes period she gave me "friend to friend" advice that 1) my breath smelled, 2) my hair seemed so much thinner, and 3) my skin looked so much drier.  Fortunately I saw this for what it was and wasn't distressed by it.  Much more potentially damaging has been the other "just sayin as a friend and someone who has known you for so long" messaging that I 1) have some form of dementia or early onset Alzeheimers, or 2) my medications (for BP) are "causing me to not be me" and 3) that I seem to have a split personality.  As I said, our early implicit bargain was that she was more psychologically up to date than I and that somehow she would be the touchstone of sanity (yes, I know. I was an idiot to go with that but that was a million  years ago so... ), so for her to allow herself to weave damaging innuendo into "advice" unconsiciously is alarming to me, and makes me put up an even taller wall.

Anyway, I am blabbering on.  Thanks for writing.  I feel you.

The worst thing is that she used my own insecurities against me when she couldn't look at herself in the mirror, which made her more black and guilty inside, which made her abuse me even more, and on the cycle went. I was her punching bag for when she needed a break from harming herself. A very cynical person.

The weird thing is I still feel she loved me and it was special.  I don't like stereotyping people and I know she is not just her disorder. But I have gained the wisdom to know I need to wait until I am MUCH better before I attempt to understand her, if I'm still interested in figuring that out. I have learned I have to keep the focus on me, for my own sanity. That's what keeps me from wanting to contact her. I'm so thankful I turned that corner.

I also realized that all my life I've been more concerned with troubled and wounded people (like myself, actually), as though I were looking for redemption by fixing them. I now know I have to channel that urge to help into more healthy activities, and only after I learn how to help myself and heal my own wounds.

And thanks a lot for what you said about people with BPD. One can read it in books or articles, but when it comes from someone who has been through it, it carries a lot more weight and comfort. I'm just trying not to add to my regrets that I didn't come to this site sooner.

[atalosstoaccept]

Though the wounds are fresh, it sounds like you've actually made a lot of progress towards healing.  Focusing on yourself, in particular, puts you in control of the healing process.  Can you tell us more about how you're looking at yourself and your own healing?

RC

It was torture being in a long distance BPD relationship in a new place and job with no friends, trying to make it work so that she would move out and we could get married. When in one phone conversation she informed me that she had over the summer had a string of affairs and one night stands, culminating in her current relationship with 'someone like me who doesn't trigger her', it got even worse. The low point was about a month ago. I think on the detachment side of things, though, maybe I am lucky in the sense that she is far away and not interested in communicating, which is giving me the time to work on myself and have no contact (9 days and counting).

I have strong obsessive and codependent tendencies. A result of an traumatic childhood filled with abuse, humiliation and instability, as well as adhd that makes it hard to be settled with myself. I had a handle on it and was improving my life, but meeting this particular woman at a vulnerable moment (career stress, not knowing where I would live next) cranked all these vulnerabilities up past my breaking point and aspects of my life became something similar to what I imagine a drug addict's looks like -- nothing else matters, it's all about getting the fix, you're not supposed to be doing it and know it's wrong but can't help yourself, etc. 

Now that I am turning the focus on myself, I see in full contrast how very much I have been looking at myself through the lens of how others see me, instead of how I see myself. This is exhausting and leaves me with little ability to comfort and validate myself, instead trying to fix others or just 'get by' when I'm alone, but not living life to the fullest. My recovery currently has several aspects that are really helping me to stay positive and have hope.

1) Mindfulness is helping me a lot to stay present for what is happening and have more control over my life. I do concentration and awareness practice constantly.

2) I continuously remind myself never to get into a relationship in which I am doing all the giving, and that I could have avoided all this trauma by having more self-awareness and strength in the beginning. Not to regret or feel guilt or shame, but to know for the future and as a way to reassure myself that it is a good thing I'm not in this relationship any more. It also is a subtle hint to myself that I do want to have another relationship in the future.

3) I am working on taking care of myself. Like really taking care of myself. Putting me first, doing things that make me feel better, and learning to disentangle the things I want because they will make me feel more accepted by other people, versus things I want because they actually make me feel better and are healthy for me.

4) I am allowing myself to feel again, and not running away from experiences because they remind me of her or what she may be thinking about me or doing. Of course I am reminded of her constantly, but I allow myself to feel it and grieve, and when I start getting unhealthy thoughts about what she would think of my life, regrets, etc., that's when I remind myself that I've been through this a million times, it was an unhealthy relationship, and if I keep going forward then I will keep feeling better and closer to my 'old self'. Yesterday I actually danced in a grocery store for the first time, when a Ray Charles song came on. I hadn't danced (something I always liked to do, in the shower, living room, drunk at a bar, etc. -- not well mind you) in maybe a year, at all.

5) I am following my therapists advice and imagining my life in 3 years, and trying to define what my values are, what makes me me. This is like the most advanced part and I kind of see the other steps as leading up to this.

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi LongTerm, thanks for reaching out. The part about fixing is interesting. At the beginning I thought her and I were complementary, she had it together in terms of being able to maintain hobbies, interests, and a social life, all while having crazy emotional breakdowns and constantly developing crushes on our coworkers while lying about it to her common-law husband back home. I think I thought, 'she can teach me to have discipline and ability to find fun in life while being a complete wreck in relationships and emotionally, and I can help her learn to be more in touch with her emotions and develop a loving and trusting relationship with a good guy like me'. That was naive and shows me I was in a place where I was tired and just wanted something good to happen, like a fairy tale. Unconsciously, at an emotional level, I was looking to her crazy situation as a way to find meaning in my own life. Now I have learned once and for all that my values and self-worth have to come from within. It's one of those things you can read a million times, but only once you really feel it can you finally commit to loving yourself.

All of us are worthy of care and love, I wish you continue learning to love and take care of yourself and keep protecting yourself from those that hurt you. They may not intend it but no reason you have to allow them to either. 

Hi atalosstoaccept,

Boy I really relate to you.  I am very aware there's a part of me that fit like a glove with her dysfunction (you could say our dysfunction) and we kind of had a bargain from early on: I needed fixing, and she could fix me (long story).  I would never enter into a relationship on such an unconscious premises, but I did once... .and that lasted for decades.  That said, I find I am drawn to narcissist women.  I at once fear them and there's a primal part of me that's drawn to them. That really scares me so I am spending lots of time and energy trying to understand this.

I also don't want to reduce "my BPD" to her disorder.  It makes me a bit sad actually.

I was at a school parent meeting ("back to school night") a couple of weeks ago, and I hadn't seen her for a week or two, but as parents of one kid we represented our kid in each classroom. In that 90 minutes period she gave me "friend to friend" advice that 1) my breath smelled, 2) my hair seemed so much thinner, and 3) my skin looked so much drier.  Fortunately I saw this for what it was and wasn't distressed by it.  Much more potentially damaging has been the other "just sayin as a friend and someone who has known you for so long" messaging that I 1) have some form of dementia or early onset Alzeheimers, or 2) my medications (for BP) are "causing me to not be me" and 3) that I seem to have a split personality.  As I said, our early implicit bargain was that she was more psychologically up to date than I and that somehow she would be the touchstone of sanity (yes, I know. I was an idiot to go with that but that was a million  years ago so... ), so for her to allow herself to weave damaging innuendo into "advice" unconsiciously is alarming to me, and makes me put up an even taller wall.

Anyway, I am blabbering on.  Thanks for writing.  I feel you.

[Mindfried]

Bottom line is it sucks brother. I am 54 years old and was with a woman who I thought was the love of my life. When things were good they were amazing. When they were bad they were terrible. It was an emotional roller coaster when I was with her and an emotional roller coaster without her. Constant break-ups and make-ups. Constantly being falsely accused of things, constantly being psycho analyzed, constant conflict. In the same sentence she could say that I am her whole world and she loves me immensely only to break up with me minutes later if she felt I slighted her in anyway. This went on for 4 years. No matter what I did to solve any of her problems it was never good enough. I can go on and on but it is pointless. The two best pieces advice are there is no closure. Learning that she has BPD or BPD traits has helped me a lot. My therapist said no matter what I did it was always going to be a bottomless pit and it will take time to heal. I go to church and pray everyday to be emotionally healed, I listen to Joel Osteen on Sirius radio, and read about what other men have gone through and it does help. It buys me time to get through the day and each day puts another day of distance between me and her.

[Toohurt]

Hi atalosstoaccept, reading through your story, I couldn’t help but feel how similar your pain feels to what I’m going through right now.
After a two year relationship in which I invested every last bit of me, so much that now I’m completely exhausted both emotionally and physically, I was just told rather brutally this morning how my ex has just now seen the light and realised that I was the real cause behind his alcoholism (which has been an issue for many years now) and substance abuse, and how it was actually me that drove him to irresponsible sex with prostitutes - something which he would never have done otherwise.  Yet, the magnanimous person that he is, if I ever want to contact him, I can, although he has moved on and wants no more of this torture.
This is four days after he said that I was the BEST thing that happened to him and how sorry he was for the unintentional hurt he caused me.
I’m struggling at the deepest levels right now and your pain resonated with mine.
All I can offer you is lots of love and much strength. Like my therapist said to me today, think of it like you were expecting reasonable behaviour from a three year old toddler. SHe/he isn’t capable of doing what she’s/he’s  required to, in an ideal world.
Be kind to yourself, hold on tight. You’re not alone.

[Radcliff]

Those all seem like great strategies.  This one was my favorite:

5) I am following my therapists advice and imagining my life in 3 years, and trying to define what my values are, what makes me me. This is like the most advanced part and I kind of see the other steps as leading up to this.

Thanks for sharing!

RC