Lost. How to break free of the pain and fear?

[silencedPartner]

Dear All,

This is my first post. I'm not sure that this is the correct place for it. Mods - please let me know if I should move it to another board.

My wife of 15 years has had BPD for a long time. She has been hospitalized twice before, once following a suicide attempt. We have three children 6-11.

For 25 years she has been on SSRIs she and her psychiatrist felt that they weren't working and so decided to stop SSRI to go onto something new. So now she is hospitalized, we are not in the US, here it is typical for people to stay inpatient for a month or longer.

Right now I am so lost. She can be so angry, cruel accusing towards me and the doctors in the hospital yelling texting terrible things. Whenever we talk she falls into a diatribe about the way she is being treated in the hospital how no one cares for her etc.

I am so scared so hurt: I know her cruelty is coming from her illness but it just hurts when a person you love says cruel things, when she tells me I don't care for her yet I've given my adult life to caring for her, given up a successful career to stay together. I feel like everything I've done is both is completely unappreciated and has only made me a further target. I am feeling so impossibly lonely and stupid.

On the other hand, I am scared. Right now the house is pretty calm. The kids are doing their homework and getting to school on time. The house is clean (though I should be doing more laundry). I scared that at the end of the month or more of hospitalization the I won't need her anymore, that I won't want her to come home. I don't want that to happen. I feel so stuck.

Has anyone else felt this way? How has anyone dealt with this? What can I do to break out of my fear and pain?

Thank you all for any thoughts you share.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  You are in the right place for sure.  Many of us can relate and are dealing with a similar situation and feelings.  I am so sorry for what bring you here though.  Feeling scared and lost is hard and painful.  Things can and do get better over time though.  We have many people here who can attest to that.   

I agree that a lot of her anger and cruel behavior stems from the disorder.  I also believe that people are 100% responsible for their own behavior though.  It is hard to reconcile the both though.  What can help is educating yourself about the disorder and learning tools to help you take care of yourself.  We can help you with that as well as offering support.

You posted this earlier today.  How are you doing now?

[silencedPartner]

Thanks so much for the response.

I am exhausted, she sent a bunch of really cruelly worded texts and I fell apart a bit, then we spoke and she apologized and accepted responsibility for making things better.

I am just feeling empty, like totally tapped out, like getting up from my chair is too much effort even though there is homework for the kids and dinner to put on the table.

I've kept it together mostly until now but I feel like my reality is bigger than my capacity.

But tomorrow my kids have a day off from school and my parents will have them. I will find a hike to go on locally and take some photos. I hope I feel better at the end of the day.

[Panda39]

Hi again silencedPartner,

Nice to see you've done your first post and let me join Harri in welcoming you to the group. 

The first thing I want to say is that having a crisis like your wife is going through is not necessarily a bad thing.  You have gotten the professionals involved with your wife's care and she is safe where she is.  You and your children are getting a respite.  These are all good things.

I thought I'd share some introductory information to get you started.

Do’s and Don’ts in a BPD Relationship… https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

From what you describe your wife is using FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional black mail to get you to visit more and do what she wants. If you are like many of the rest of us you likely are in the FOG in other situations as well.
 
More on FOG…https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

For me being able to recognize when this is happening makes it easier to take some of the things being said less personally…a ha!  This is FOG this is a dysfunctional coping strategy this isn’t about the person that I am.

I also want you to know that it is okay to feel all of the things you are feeling, this isn't an easy time.  But try to stay in the present rather than worrying about what might happen in the future.

Can you tell us more about what things look like on a typical day in your household?  How are the kids managing?  Are you and/or the kids receiving any Therapy?  If not it might be something to look into, for coping tools and extra support.  The BPD isn't just happening to your wife it is effecting you all.

I can hear how exhausted, stressed and worried you are.  Try and fit a little self-care into your day.

The airplane oxygen mask analogy is used here often because it's true.  When the oxygen masks drop in the plane we are instructed to put our mask on first and then help others, why? Because we can't help anyone else if we are unconscious.  So Self-Care is your oxygen mask. 

Take Care,
Panda39

[Panda39]

I saw your other post... .

Self-Care... .Taking care of you.

Self-Care is individual to each of us.  What do you do to relax? 

For me that could be working on a sewing project (focusing on making something puts me in the present), or going for a walk (good for the body and the mood), or spending fun time with the kids (go to the park or a board game).  For others it could be a time out for meditation (there's lots of self guided meditation on line), going to the gym, cooking, gardening, going out with a friend, maybe some escapism at the movies etc. Could be getting in some extra sleep/taking a nap, or eating healthy, whatever makes you feel good.

I hope you will try to build in a little something today.

Panda39

[silencedPartner]

Can you tell us more about what things look like on a typical day in your household?  How are the kids managing?  Are you and/or the kids receiving any Therapy?  If not it might be something to look into, for coping tools and extra support.  The BPD isn't just happening to your wife it is effecting you all.

the kids are surprisingly ok. I think that once the source of rage and fear left the house it gave them the opportunity to just be kids and be less scared.

No, we're not in therapy though I think it is important for me to be. I seem to be completely lacking any energy to figure out how to get this stuff done.

I love photography so I tried to take a walk and take pictures this evening. It felt good to be out in the cool air and then I gave up and went home.

What I am really worried about is my exhausted emptiness further damaging my kids. Dad - can you read to me? Not tonight I am-am exhausted. It's not fair and they need me I am struggling to give. That scares me too. 

[silencedPartner]

Panda,

I hear it. How do you force yourself out of the chair or out of the house to do the things you know are good for you when it feels impossible?

[Panda39]

I'm hearing depression.  

I know it's hard, I've been depressed too, it's like slogging through sand.  

Set a small goal, how about you take the kids out for a walk around the block (just once and then try it again sometime this week and build on it)... .use time with the kids to motivate you at least to begin with. I know they would love the time with you. Maybe you can gradually make this a ritual you do together.

If reading is too much effort, maybe watch a movie together instead.

And yes, I am going to encourage therapy for you... .get those professionals involved there is help out there.  

Panda39

[once removed]

hi silencedPartner, i want to join the others and say

you sound exhausted and pained. i hope that youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here. a strong support system is critical in learning, coping, reducing stress, getting good feedback, and reducing isolation.

70-80% of members here arrive depressed... .have you taken our test here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772

[silencedPartner]

Hi once removed, thanks for asking me to take that self-evaluation, I scored a 62. I know that I need help. I am working on it. It's really hard.

[once removed]

depression is really hard. ive struggled with it at times myself. all of the things that are supposed to help seem, big and small, seem like moving a mountain. you dont necessarily get the lift/motivation from them that would propel you to do more of them. theres a discouraging voice in your head that minimizes all of it, and beats you down. throw a difficult relationship/partner on top of that and things can seem hopeless.

having a strong support system is critical. youve taken a great step in reaching out to us. a sense of feeling connected can go a long way, even so far as reducing symptoms of depression, so id encourage you not only to stick around, but join in the threads of others. it will help keep you in problem solving mode and build your support system.

No, we're not in therapy though I think it is important for me to be.

i agree with Panda39 that this would be an important step to take. can you make it a goal this week?

when a person with BPD and added substance abuse issues goes into therapy, the therapist will tend to want to tackle the substance abuse issues first. similarly, with the weight of depression, making significant healthy changes in your relationship will be much more of a challenge if depression isnt a major priority.

[silencedPartner]

I am grateful to be in a country that has a VERY strong support mechanism for families like mine. I have a meeting with the social services department on Tuesday. They will be able to direct me to a therapist.

My kids have art and music therapy in school and seem to be holding together well.

I am feeling better today than yesterday. MUCH. Still, there is this creepy sadness and occasional tears that seep into my day.

This morning, after driving my kids to school I blasted the music in my headphones and screamed at the top of my lungs. Then cried, then felt a tiny bit better.

Being part of this community, even for such a short time has really helped. I am grateful.

Thank yolu

[Panda39]

I'm so happy to hear the steps you've taken towards Therapy, that is wonderful news. 

  Love the car "scream therapy"     The other drivers must have got a kick out of that.  I'm teasing, seriously though I'm glad you were able to vent and get some of those feelings out that's a good thing. 



Maybe another session on your way home from work today?

Love the steps your taking, you're doing a wonderful job... .It's just one day at a time (sometimes it truly is one minute at a time).  Cheering you on 

Panda39