BPD newlywed

[YoHerf]

Hello, this is my first time here. My husband of a year and a half has BPD, I believe. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and admits to having many traits of NPD. He also admits to being an alcoholic. I knew about the first two before we got married, but as we didn't live together beforehand, I had no idea how bad it was. I have read every book I can find on bipolar, alcoholism, and NPD, but nothing gave me chills the way Stop Walking on Eggshells did. THAT book really hit the nail on the head. My friends beg me to leave him, as they are so tired of hearing the same story every time I call them. Even his former psychiatrist tells me to get out. He is not violent, but can be very emotionally abusive and does not want counseling. We actually did see a marriage counselor for a few months last year and it was horrible... she said I knew what I was getting into when I married him and I would be irresponsible if I deserted him, that he is first and foremost in a relationship with his disorder and I will always come second. She actually shushed me a couple of times, which is when I decided she wasn't a good fit. Now my husband says he would only go back to counseling if we went to her (I think he just says that to be manipulative, knowing how I feel about her) and that he would rather blow his head off than seek therapy otherwise. (He was drunk when he said that.) I love him and want to stand by him but I am at the end of my rope. To add more fuel to this crazy flame, I have to let my realtor know TODAY whether I accept the offer on our house (I say "our," although it is solely in my name because he has not filed a tax return in 15 years) so I can move forward with the purchase of our dream house. If I do, that, it means I can't quit my miserable job, or at least not right away. Hmm... dream house with a borderline man working a miserable job, or looking for a less stressful job and moving back to the house I lived in before I met him (now a rental, but tenant is moving out this month). Seems like a no-brainer, but when you love someone and don't want to desert them, it isn't so easy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

Hi and welcome. I am so sorry you are enduring all this. I totally understand where you are coming from. Miserable job and all. I had to reach out when I read your post because I have experienced a few things you are going though.

First let me say that the marriage counsellor sounds horrible. I had a weird experience with couples counselling too. Mind you I've also had a positive experience. It all depends on the counsellor. The one you saw sounds like not only a dud but rude and irresponsible. You don't shush a client let alone tell them they would be irresponsible for taking care of their own needs by leaving someone who is obviously unhealthy. I sincerely hope you find a counsellor for yourself with some better training and ethics.

Second it sounds like you actually have some people who genuinely care about you. Family and friends do get burned out on hearing us go on about the same situation without resolution. I am sure you have felt that about someone at some point. I know I have. You are fortunate that your husband sees a psychiatrist and that he is so forth coming with you about your husband's prospects.

Third only you can know what to do about the house deal. However I think you already do know and just haven't wanted to face the fall out from your husband. I would strongly recommend not painting yourself into a financial corner that traps you in both a home and job you can't leave. So so many people on these boards share stories of homes they are losing due to their pwBPD's lack of financial support. Or of being trapped in living situations they can't leave. Or of being forced into bankruptcy because of financial decisions their pwBPD pushed them to take on. If he hasn't filed taxes in 15 years he is obviously not financially responsible. How would you feel if he is audited and the penalties, interest and back taxes are so significant that they seize your marital home to recoup them? How would feel if you had to pay his taxes with your money, or work your horrible job indefinitely to cover them? I ask because that is close to what happened to me. It was a horrible job and I had to stay for years to repay debts he (unknown to me) ran up against my name. Nothing like forging a signature to get credit or taking loans against our home (also only in my name). They have an uncanny way of convincing people to believe them. In my case that included loans officers. You have a long life ahead of you don't let this one decision trap you into a deeper cycle of frustration.

Fourth you are worthy and deserving of  a healthy happy life. If that is with your husband great. If not sad but still possible. As for abandoning him that is up to him. If he had diabetes, or asthma, or cancer and refused treatment would we beat ourselves up for it? NO. Chronic illness is a bugger but it is the responsibility of ill person to care for themselves. He is an adult and he has access to resources for his chronic illness. He has knowledge and professional guidance. You are not his emotional bandaid. You are his wife not his counsellor, banker, tax advisor, or mom.

Take a moment and take care of yourself. I HIGHLY suggest getting a therapist who is familiar with BPD/NPD for yourself. Leave him out of the equation for now. Get yourself some expert support and then get yourself healthy and strong. He can choose to come along on the happy healthy journey of a life you build or not. That is up to him.

Meanwhile I will be thinking of you. Keep reading and keep posting. You are not alone. There are many wonderful people here who understand.

e

[Red5]

Hello and I join hope2727 and welcome you YoHerf!

You are in a good and safe place to come and learn... vent and as well interact with others whom are in the same ‘boat’ as you.

Being married to a person with borderline personality disorder... either diagnosed or not diagnosed is hard... taxing... and emotionally draining... trust me I know.

There are things you can learn here... referred to as the “tools”... I encourage you to look around the website and read about them... also here on this board at the top... here is the link -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

Believe it or not, we can lean to manage the day to day facets... conflicts and seemingly never ending “dysregulations” of our partners... there is so much to learn...

If you go to “groups”’and scroll down to the bottom, you can read a whole lot of very helpful and useful things to start your journey to learning... I have another link here for you...  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Knowledge is the key, the key that opens the door to vital understanding of this disorder...

Again welcome... and tell us more about what kind of specific behaviors you are encountering... there a lot of very senior members here whom can offer very good advise and help to you... so keep posting...

Kind regards... Red5

[No-One]

My husband of a year and a half has BPD, I believe. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and admits to having many traits of NPD. He also admits to being an alcoholic. I knew about the first two before we got married, but as we didn't live together beforehand, I had no idea how bad it was.

I'm so sorry for the way this turned out for you.  Sounds like he was able to hide the alcohol abuse before marriage.  Looking back, were there any clues you missed regarding alcohol?  Did he wait to drink, while home alone?

I guess it's common for people to be on their best behavior before marriage. Which BPD/NPD behaviors have escalated, since you married him?  

His former psychiatrist tells me to get out. He is not violent, but can be very emotionally abusive and does not want counseling. We actually did see a marriage counselor for a few months last year and it was horrible... she said I knew what I was getting into when I married him and I would be irresponsible if I deserted him

Most people indicate that a psychiatrist or psychologist tells them to get out.  I've never heard where a therapist told someone it would be irresponsible to leave an abusive relationship. (sounds irresponsible on the part of the therapist).

You have to make whatever decision is right for you. Hidden substance abuse, alone can be justification for annulment or divorce (in some communities and within some religious groups). Also, hiding the degree of his normal (at home) mental dysregulation and BPD/NBP behaviors might stand alone as justification.
 

To add more fuel to this crazy flame, I have to let my realtor know TODAY whether I accept the offer on our house (I say "our," although it is solely in my name because he has not filed a tax return in 15 years) so I can move forward with the purchase of our dream house. If I do, that, it means I can't quit my miserable job, or at least not right away. Hmm... dream house with a borderline man working a miserable job, or looking for a less stressful job and moving back to the house I lived in before I met him (now a rental, but tenant is moving out this month)

Is your husband on title to "your" house, with just you on the loan?  (acquired before or after marriage?).  Sounds like you may have owned the house prior to marriage.  If you owned the home before marriage and the title is in just your name, please seek legal advice before you commingle or reinvest any money from a sale. You could lose your personal money, should you ever get a divorce.  Usually, what you owned prior to marriage is not community property, if you follow proper accounting procedures.  

There is always another buyer down the road.  Perhaps you could rent the house for awhile longer. Get some individual counseling for yourself .  Sort out what's right for you.  You sound unhappy, but getting the "dream house" can't fix this.    

You indicate he hadn't filed taxes for 15 years.  Had he not worked in 15 years, of just didn't file taxes?   Did you miss this as a "red flag"?  

You are unhappy with your "miserable" job.  As an alcoholic, can you count on your husband keeping a stable job?  Not a good combo for the long run to keep up payments on "the dream house".