Putting my foot down for the millionth time. Is this a healthy approach?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We had a crazy thanksgiving that she is was pretty much solely responsible for. She blew up at me in front of her family over something extremely trivial. Then once back at our apartment she cold clocked me twice out of nowhere. I was calm and didn't instigate anything. Just walked over and punched me. I told her to leave and kicked her out and made her go stay at her families house because I didn't feel safe given the history of violence she has with me.

I am now blamed for the entire Thanksgiving circus. Which is so factually incorrect it's frightening. She now is finding every little way she can to call me disloyal. Like me "following" an employee of mine on Facebook (who isn't even attractive, shes married, She's 60 years old, and she is my employee. Lol) But of course, I have a thing for her and am cheating on my BPD wife with her (Sarcasm) LoL.

I have had enough. She puts all of the blame on me for her not able to manager her emotions when triggered. She tells me I need to be more aware and respectful of her triggers. Yet she refuses to go to therapy or seek medical attention and learns how to express her emotions healthily when triggered. She has been clinically diagnosed with BPD, and Bipolar.

So I told her that I can no longer be with her unless she:

-Seeks and consistently follows a medical professionals advice and treatment plan who she trusts advice.

She responded saying she is not going to do that and will end our relationship before then.
She is saying that I am skirting around all of my screw ups by saying this.
She is stating it is abusive of me to talk about her mental health like this.

I'm fed up. I'm at the point where I will walk away if she doesn't start putting effort into her own mental health.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Spam591]

We had a crazy thanksgiving that she is was pretty much solely responsible for. She blew up at me in front of her family over something extremely trivial. Then once back at our apartment she cold clocked me twice out of nowhere. I was calm and didn't instigate anything. Just walked over and punched me. I told her to leave and kicked her out and made her go stay at her families house because I didn't feel safe given the history of violence she has with me.

I am now blamed for the entire Thanksgiving circus. Which is so factually incorrect it's frightening. She now is finding every little way she can to call me disloyal. Like me "following" an employee of mine on Facebook (who isn't even attractive, shes married, She's 60 years old, and she is my employee. Lol) But of course, I have a thing for her and am cheating on my BPD wife with her (Sarcasm) LoL.

I have had enough. She puts all of the blame on me for her not able to manager her emotions when triggered. She tells me I need to be more aware and respectful of her triggers. Yet she refuses to go to therapy or seek medical attention and learns how to express her emotions healthily when triggered. She has been clinically diagnosed with BPD, and Bipolar.

So I told her that I can no longer be with her unless she:

-Seeks and consistently follows a medical professionals advice and treatment plan who she trusts advice.

She responded saying she is not going to do that and will end our relationship before then.
She is saying that I am skirting around all of my screw ups by saying this.
She is stating it is abusive of me to talk about her mental health like this.

I'm fed up. I'm at the point where I will walk away if she doesn't start putting effort into her own mental health.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Cat Familiar]

She creates a scene in front of her family about you and some minor issue. Then she hits you twice. You tell her to leave and stay with her family because you don't feel safe after her history of violent behavior. Now she blames you for ruining the holiday and is paranoid about you having romantic feelings for your older female employee. She expects you to manage her emotions, but refuses to take responsibility for herself and will not go to therapy or see a doctor for her diagnosed mental health disorders.

You've told her that you cannot be with her unless she gets medical treatment and her response is that she will not do that, but will end the relationship. Then she blames you for relationship issues and tries to guilt trip you by claiming it's abusive for you to speak about her mental health.

I think you've stated what you need quite clearly and that it was appropriate. How do you feel about her threat to end the relationship?

[Spam591]

Guilty! Like I am giving up on her. When she is acting healthy and fair she is the most beautiful human inside and out and has so much love to offer (probably because of the contrast of long-term/repeated childhood sexual and physical abuse).

I feel helpless. Like if she does give in and goes it's going to be for me and not for herself. I completely understand why she doesn't want to go get help. She was locked in a hospital by her abuser for over a year as a child. I cant imagine the stuff that this woman has been through.

She deserves such a good life. I feel like I should just be selfless and deal with her BS and just show her a tremendous amount of love and sacrifice my own well being. However, it's really taking a huge toll on my life, my businesses, my kids (from an EX) lives (who she doesn't see much at all )

[Cat Familiar]

Guilty! Like I am giving up on her.

FOG--fear, obligation and guilt. Have you read this link? https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

When she is acting healthy and fair she is the most beautiful human inside and out and has so much love to offer (probably because of the contrast of long-term/repeated childhood sexual and physical abuse).

Yes, typical pwBPD. That's why we continue to stay with them, despite their awful behavior.

I feel helpless. Like if she does give in and goes it's going to be for me and not for herself.

Of course she doesn't want to get help. She thinks the problems originate in other people, namely you.

I completely understand why she doesn't want to go get help. She was locked in a hospital by her abuser for over a year as a child. I cant imagine the stuff that this woman has been through.

And if it wasn't that, she'd have another reason why she didn't seek help. Yes, of course she's had trauma, but that is no excuse for behaving the way she does.

She deserves such a good life.

Don't you deserve a good life as well?

I feel like I should just be selfless and deal with her BS and just show her a tremendous amount of love and sacrifice my own well being. However, it's really taking a huge toll on my life, my businesses, my kids (from an EX) lives (who she doesn't see much at all )

And where did you get this belief? And how is this impacting your children? And your business? And your health? And your emotional equilibrium?

[Spam591]

I am so frustrated with her right now. I set these boundaries or atleast told her I no longer wanted to be married unless she is getting help and I need to see action. Then she calls me five minutes ago and had spent money on concert tickets (A lot of money) for this next weekend for us for her birthday. After I had explicitly stated I don't want this unless she is getting help.

She doesn't take me seriously or respect my ___ and it makes me so angry. I legitimately do not know what to do to show her I am serious.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Spam,

Presumably you would agree that this approach, healthy or not, isn't working?

To me, it seems like you could use a refresher course in boundaries (see Tools, above), which I regard as essential in a BPD r/s.  I was a doormat before I discovered boundaries.  I was naive and expected that my spouse would treat me with kindness and consideration, which proved unrealistic in a marriage to a pwBPD.

You refer to her "history of violence" with you.  What kind of violence?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Red5]

Good evening Spam,

Wow man, I’m very sorry that this is happening again to you, I thought I remembered your story so I went back and looked you up... .Brother, you have put up with a lot... . 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327396.msg12985918#msg12985918

Your significant other is a repeat offender... .you should not have to endure  this... .there is no excuse for this kind of behavior... .

You did the right thing by putting space in between you and her.

So what was the course of events that kept her in your life and in the relationship back in July, I also saw a mention about May as well.

I also have a person in my life who “hits”... .I completely understand about what you are struggling with... .the “fog”... .

I see the same cycle in your thread... .she blows up, then you get it, there is blaming and threats of breaking up if “help” is not sought... .

I go through the exact same in my own marraige... .

((My wife s not diagnosed and never will be... .as she blames everyone and everything else... .  )

Then after the dust settles... .it looks like onto the “intermittent positive reward”’ phase... .wash rinse repeat.

I am afraid that one day she may do more than destroy a motel room or cold cock you... .there is a lot of good advice being offered... .but ultimately it will be up to you to make this pattern of abuse stop... .

Keep posting... .we are listening !

Red5

[GaGrl]

You talk about staying and just dealing with iy.

How long is this relationship at this point?

I ask because my TH stayed in a legal marital situation for 33 years before he extricated himself from a marriagecsimilar dogs had you describe (he was in his 50s when we married).  So how do you envision a continued marriage to your wife should she not choose therapy and a path to improvement?

[Skip]

Stepping away from the "stay or go" question for a minute... .

"Putting my foot down for the millionth time. Is this a healthy approach?" ~ Spam591

You live with her. She hits you. Focus in and solve this problem first.

Why?

Because its dangerous.
Because if you can't resolve a black and white issue like this, the two of you can't resolve anything.
Because it will teach you how to solve more complex problems with her.

Do you want to talk about how to approach that?