I think my boyfriend has BPD

[Dasher]

Hi, all-
 
I have been in a relationship with a man for 5 months now and I believe he may have BPD. He has very intense and extreme emotional outburts, accuses me of cheating on a regular basis, takes simple statements that I make as personal attacks, wants me close but keeps me at a distance, has a huge fear of abandonment, binge drinks, is impulsive, loves me and puts me on a pedestal one minute but can be extremely cruel and hateful when he feels that I’m a threat.

It is very painful to hear the horrible things he says to/about me when he is angry with me. I feel drained. He posted a horrible post about me on social media when I tried to break up with him recently. There are times when I’ve had it with him and gotten angry and yelled and lost it. He videoed me on one such occasion and sent it to my best friend. I’m not even sure what the point of that was. He threatens and shames me when I don’t do what he wants. I don’t get it.

I know he was physically and emotionally abused as a child by his father. For all the bad qualities that has created in him, he also has many good ones. He is protective, helpful, loving and is able to communicate fairly well at times. I can see the good that his painful past has created in him as well. But right now the bad far outweighs the good as far as this relationship goes.

He has agreed to see a therapist so right now I’m just waiting to see if he follows through and is serious about working on himself. He often tells me that he needs me to save him which I know is not possible nor do I want to be put in that position. I do want to support him though. I do not believe he is a lost cause and think therapy can be very helpful to him if he is willing to stick with it and do the work. I think therapy would be good for me as well if I plan to try to stay in this relationship.

The biggest issue I’m dealing with right now is that he takes almost everything I say the wrong way. I try to be careful when talking to him but he manages to twist it all around. I can make a very simple statement with no criticism at all and he’ll usually respond with, “oh, I guess that makes me a piece of human garbage” or something along those lines. Do you all have any tips for me regarding this issue? I’m about at the point of shutting down and not talking to him at all. It’s just not worth the battles. I don’t feel equipped at this point.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am grateful to find a place to share with those who are going through the same thing.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Dasher!

That sounds very, very familiar to me. I've been married to my husband for 2 years and I strongly believe he also has undiagnosed BPD. For the first part of our relationship and marriage, things were fine (there were small signs but I can only see them looking back). It's only in the last five months or so we've been in a heavy cycle of dysregulation.

It is exhausting to deal with and very painful, too, to have someone you love say awful things about you. I, too, feel like I'm walking in a minefield most of the time, never knowing what will upset him. He can twist words like no one's business.

Have you tried the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? I found it very helpful in understanding the disorder and my husband's frame of mind.

A lot of times, the key is to stay calm. Remind yourself that it's the disorder talking. Don't play into the drama. Validate his feelings (which are very real) without agreeing to things you know aren't good or true. Setting boundaries and holding them firmly but with compassion.

All that is very difficult and I'm in the early stages of learning. But there are many members here who have been where you are now and have a lot of helpful advice to share.

It's also very good that he's agreeing to therapy (which he hopefully will stick with). My husband won't agree to that.

Very best of luck to you!

[Dasher]

Thank you for your response, Ozzie101. I am sorry that you are able to relate to what I’m going through.

I just had to tell you that after reading your response to me I ran up to the library to see if there were any helpful books on loving someone with BPD. Displayed on the shelf of books for sale was “Stop Walking on Eggshells” for $2. I snatched it up and am now home and settled on the couch ready to read it. Thanks for the recommendation.

[Ozzie101]

That's great! I hope it helps you! As I said, it's really good at explaining the BPD mind.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Dasher and welcome!

Just want to say that Ozzie101 gave you exactly the right advice about Eggshells as the the place to start. It was a big help to me as well.

My other suggestion would be to post on related threads here to gain context on your situation and get to know other members.

You would also do well to check out the communication skills workshops in the library. 

Regarding his exaggerated responses to your comments, are there any topics or situations that particularly seem to trigger him? If you did choose to end the conversation, how do you think he would react?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[once removed]

hi Dasher, i want to join the others and say

It’s just not worth the battles. I don’t feel equipped at this point.

we have an article here that is a good starting point: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

in other words, if you choose this path, equipment is vital, a strong support system critical, and im glad you reached out. we can help, whichever path you choose.

any update on the therapist front, either you or he?

[Dasher]

Regarding his exaggerated responses to your comments, are there any topics or situations that particularly seem to trigger him? If you did choose to end the conversation, how do you think he would react?

Hi, RolandOfEld-

Thank you for welcoming me and for the suggestions. As for your questions, I’m still trying to learn which topics or situations trigger him. This is all very new to me as I just made the BPD (or whatever is going on) connection this past week. I have noticed that anything that makes him feel like I’m putting him down really sets him off. The thing is, I’m not putting him down... .at all. That’s where my frustration comes in. I am discovering, though, that I have to learn a new way of talking to him.  Also, I have found that it helps to just end the conversation when it gets to the point of him thinking I’m mad or belittling him or whatever before it escalates.

Just realizing that he may have BPD has been extremely helpful to me as I now know there’s an actual reason for the way he behaves and that there are tools to help me better communicate with him. It’s a little overwhelming right now but I’m grateful for all the information out there.

[Dasher]

hi Dasher, i want to join the others and say

in other words, if you choose this path, equipment is vital, a strong support system critical, and im glad you reached out. we can help, whichever path you choose.

any update on the therapist front, either you or he?

Thank you for reaching out, once removed.

It is funny because almost evebody that knows me thinks I am a very strong person but I feel extremely emotionally weak. I suffer from depression (not chronic but often) and anxiety and am easily triggered. I posted last night about being hurt when my boyfriend rejected me and how difficult that was. I’d like to think I can handle this and be there for him but in reality I may not be strong enough.

As for counseling, I went to my first appointment yesterday. I really liked the therapist. She specializes in personality disorders and I felt like she gave me some good advice. My boyfriend and I are scheduled to see her together next week. I really hope he follows through with it.

[once removed]

My boyfriend and I are scheduled to see her together next week. I really hope he follows through with it.

any update on this front?