Help My sister is out of control and verbally abuses me

[Nancynoel082]

Hi, does anyone here have a family member that regularly uses guilt and emotional blackmail to mistreat them? What strategies have worked? My sister has BP and is also bipolar. She verbally abuses me on a regular basis. She criticizes me constantly. She claims that I wasn't there for her when her husband was dying of cancer a few years ago, even though we lived over five hours away, and I had a full-time job which would not allow me to take time off. At the time, I would try to reach out to her by phone but she admitted at the time that part of her strategy for coping with her husband's cancer was by isolating herself. The one time I did drive down to see her and help out she lashed out of me and said that my timing was bad. I feel like no matter how hard I try to show her I care about her, she finds something to lash out at me for. I received a long string of angry text messages from her this morning, including one which said, "You disgust me." A few weeks ago she told me that she wished I had committed suicide. Today I finally blocked her from my phone because I can't handle any more of her drama. Was this ok? She is waiting on MRI results which could be indicative of a serious brain disorder. I wonder if she has a medical condition which is causing her to lash out more lately? Any thoughts or advice? I feel terribly guilty setting boundaries with her but I just can't take the abuse any more.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I am so sorry for what brings you here.  We do understand as many of us have experienced similar whether from a sibling, parent or other loved one. 

The cruelty of her comments are hard to hear for me, so I can only imagine how you felt reading them.  Can you see how they are a reflection of her and her state of mind and disorder?   When people with a mental disorder are dysregulated or caught up in the disorder, they can't really see outside of their own self.  Her comments have more to do with her than with you.  I am not saying that to excuse her, as there is no excuse.  Rather I am trying to give you perspective so you can depersonalize the words and accusations and behaviors and take care of you.

I do not think blocking her is a bad thing to do.  It is okay and necessary to protect yourself from verbal abuse.  Often times when a person is so dysregulated, trying to talk with them and get the to see your point of view is not going to work and can in fact make things worse.  So stepping back and protecting yourself while allowing them the time and space to self soothe is the best thing.

Hi, does anyone here have a family member that regularly uses guilt and emotional blackmail to mistreat them? What strategies have worked?   Guilt as a means to control is a pretty common theme and is often part of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).  We have a great article here:  Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that describes is.  Read through it and see what you think. 

Let us know too so we can talk about it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Nancynoel082, 

I'm so glad that you have joined our online family. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us-it's what we are here for, to listen and walk alongside of you through these hard spots with a BPD family member. My mom was an uBPD, and how well I understand those hurtful words! I think it doesn't matter whether it is a parent or a sibling, we still have a strong desire to be accepted for who we are by them, and unfortunately it can be a losing battle.

I like what Harri said about self care:
So stepping back and protecting yourself while allowing them the time and space to self soothe is the best thing. Do you find it hard to see yourself as having value and being worth protecting? Sometimes I do, mostly because of the FOG that it brings up in me.

 
Wools

[Nancynoel082]

Harri, thank you for your timely and insightful post. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone in this struggle. I read the article you sent me and it was helpful. You are right that my sister is definitely suffering right now. That is why it is so hard for me to set boundaries with her. Our father just passed away. Her outbursts of anger intensified right before his death. She also just broke up with her on-and-off boyfriend, who she claims emotionally abused her. I warned her about a year ago that I did not think the relationship was good for her, and that I did not think he was treating her well. Of course she didn't listen. The problem with my sister is that she externalizes blame and does not take responsibility for her actions. She is 35 years old, lives with our mentally ill mother, and does not have a career or a direction for her life. I tried to help her get on her feet by allowing her to stay with me and my fiance temporarily. However, she insulted me and we got into a fight which escalated. It was my fear when I initially agreed to let her stay with us that she would act out like this. Unfortunately, my fears were realized when she verbally abused me, wishing that I had committed suicide, calling me a bitch, and saying that she wished I burn in hell. The problem is I feel terribly guilty for asking her to leave and she is using that to make me feel bad about myself. Was I justified in asking her to go stay with our mom? Or was this cruelty on my part?

[Nancynoel082]

Wools, thank you for your response. I am so sorry that your mother has BP. Having a parent with this disorder must be extremely difficult. I agree that I do need to put some distance between my sister and I . The problem is that I feel terribly guilty because she is in a very tough situation. She is 35, has no career, is a widow, and our father just passed away. I tried to help her by allowing her to stay with me and my fiance until she could get on her feet, but she lashed out at me and it escalated into a vicious fight. It is my belief that I trigger her, and since she has used me as her punching bag since we were little kids, she is still using this as a coping mechanism.  I have reached a point where I can't take any more of her abuse. How can I feel sure that I am doing the right thing by putting distance between us when she is hurting so much? I feel like I am not doing enough to help her, but I also know I can't handle the verbal abuse and live in constant fear when I'm around her that she is going to lash out at me.

[Harri]

The problem is I feel terribly guilty for asking her to leave and she is using that to make me feel bad about myself. Was I justified in asking her to go stay with our mom? Or was this cruelty on my part?

It is not cruel to protect yourself from the abuse of another.  It is good self-care and it is the responsible and healthy thing to do for everyone.

We can't fix things or manage things for our pwBPD (people with BPD) nor should we try.   What can be done, if you want, is to learn coping skills and communication skills that can help before things escalate, but they are aimed at helping you, not fixing your sister.  Even then, there is only so much that can be done and that is where working on things like acceptance comes in.  Knowing what your rights are and understanding her behaviors can go a long way in that.

I am curious how your relationship was growing up with your sister.  Were you responsible for helping her?  How did your mom interact with your sister?

[Nancynoel082]

Harri,
My relationship was extremely difficult with my sister growing up. She is two years older than me, so I was never responsible for her. She would pick on me a lot when we were kids. Our mom has schizoaffective disorder and was repeatedly hospitalized throughout our childhood. I think my sister took out her anger at the situation on me.
Interestingly, I was much more responsible than my sister and served as a parentified child in the home. My sister reacted to the chaos in our home by acting out, whereas I internalized things and felt like I had to be the adult in the family. I was a straight-A student and stayed out of trouble, often suffering quietly. I felt like I had to be the good one because my sister was so out of control. It's been a heavy burden to bear.

[JNChell]

Hi, Nancynoel082. Welcome to bpdfamily. I understand that you’re going through a very difficult situation with your sister and that it has been ongoing.

Harri is spot on with the advice that she offered you. If I’m reading your posts correctly, you seem to be pretty worked up. Is that accurate? We understand how much these relationships can up-end our emotions. Coping is key if we decide to stay in them. There are tools available here that can help you.  What outcome would you like to happen between you and your sister?

[Nancynoel082]

Hi JNChell,

I would like to be able to have a relationship with my sister in which she no longer verbally abuses me. Right now she is staying with our mom. She was invited to my birthday party this Saturday. I don't know if she is planning to come or not, but I would like her to be able to come without any drama.

My sister has a lot of good qualities - she is fun, creative, outgoing, and a free spirit. She is very intelligent. I miss her good side.

The problem is I can't handle any more verbal abuse. I doubt she will cause drama at my birthday party. She usually only lashes out when it is just me and her or when my mom is there. She has yet to lash out at me in front of my fiance.

Since my sister seems to be able to control herself in public situations or in front of certain people, I have hope that she can change. It is my feeling that she verbally abuses people as a way to defend herself when she feels threatened.

I know I can't control her behavior, only my own. Am I doing the right thing by following through on my warning that I would "put distance between us" and keeping her blocked from both my phone and Facebook? I feel guilty, as if I have done something wrong. I am tempted to contact her and see if we can make amends. However, I still think she owes me an apology for how she has treated me, and I need to know that she's not going to keep hurting me before I open up the door again.

[JNChell]

Hey, Nancynoel082. I’m sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I tend to bury myself here and find it hard to keep up with communications.  

Your response is great! You have outlined what you would like to see happen. Tools will be necessary to successfully interact with your sister wBPD. It’s time to explore and learn. Ready?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

This read should help you to start seeing things from more of an objective point of view. These relationships are emotionally charged. One of the best tools that you can have in your box is being able to step away from the emotional stuff when needed.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

This is a good one on boundaries. It will benefit you and your loved one.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Ok. Last one for now. Read the links and marinate in the information. Bring your thoughts back to the board. We’re eager to hear back from you.

[Harri]

Since my sister seems to be able to control herself in public situations or in front of certain people, I have hope that she can change. It is my feeling that she verbally abuses people as a way to defend herself when she feels threatened.

.  BPD will often only show in more intimate, close relationships.  It is good that she is able to control herself around others but she may not be triggered when around them.

I know I can't control her behavior, only my own. Am I doing the right thing by following through on my warning that I would "put distance between us" and keeping her blocked from both my phone and Facebook? I feel guilty, as if I have done something wrong. I am tempted to contact her and see if we can make amends.

I think you are doing what you have to do to protect yourself.  Setting limits and saying no is hard.  It is common for us to feel guilt especially be cause we do want to help and wish things could be different. 

JNChell gave you a lot of really good links.  Read through them, take your time and pick one to work on.  You can talk about them and practice them here.  Unfortunately nothing will change if neither you nor your sister change anything.  I am not saying you have done anything wrong.  It is just that some of the things we do to try to be heard or to resolve conflict works against our goals when interacting with pwBPD.  So change at your end can have an impact on the relationship.  Neither change in you (by learning to use the tools) nor change in the relationship will happen over night though.  It is a process and it takes time.  But it can be done and you can see results.

However, I still think she owes me an apology for how she has treated me, and I need to know that she's not going to keep hurting me before I open up the door again.

She may not have the awareness or the emotional resilience to issue one.  Being able to make an apology, one that means something, requires not just awareness but a capacity for being able to accept less than desirable characteristics in ones self without denying them through more anger, projection, etc.

What if she can never see her actions as warranting an apology?