Should I leave friendship with BPD?

[Idkreally]

 I have pondered the situation several times and dont get far. Im not sure what went wrong and I am looking for some insight. This is super long, its hard to shorten.

I met my friend of 4 years online after trying to help several people from committing suicide. She seemed different than the rest. We clicked very fast and had a lot in common. I felt I could really help her because she told me she never met someone like me and had never felt cared for and loved before the way I made her feel. She soon became my best friend. I loved her a lot. I wanted so much for her, more than I wanted for myself. She said I was her role model and had me on a high pedestal.

Thats when things started to take a turn. The first time she disappeared it was without warning. She left for a week and I was extremely confused and extremely pained. I remember being super worried. I wasnt sure if shed ever come back... .she did. I let her know that I was very concerned. She came off shocked that I cared about her and I was shocked she didnt see the issue. She said I was like an older sister to her. Soon, I learned about her self-harm, her many suicide attempts, her breakdowns, and her visits to the hospital. She said she trusted me and had never told anyone before. I felt honored she told me because I desperately wanted to help her. I urged her to get professional help after realizing this was very severe and shouldnt be dealt with alone. She got very scared and told me she would do it soon herself. I cant explain how much pain she would be in and how much she would constantly constantly constantly complain about people in her life (most of whom were online). She said they abused her, used her, wrecked her. I felt horrible for the abuse she went through. I would cry when shed cry and be in tears that she was in pain. I also became angry at these people. I remember she would get into constant fights with them and she wouldnt know how to communicate. I offered to help her write her replies which calmed the situations.

I wrongly started interfering and contacting these people to settle future fights with her permission. They thought I was a good friend for defending her. She thanked me for helping. She started disappearing more frequently. Id ask her why she kept doing that and that it hurt me a lot. She said she couldnt control it.

I sacrificed my time and put in so much effort hoping shed get better. I sent her a birthday gift every year so that she would at least have one gift to open on what she said was the worst day of her life. She made it seem like everyone hated her when in actuality the people I talked to that knew her glorified her as one of the best people they’ve ever met.
 
Shes a good person, she really is and I think thats why I gave so many chances because I could see this was serious. I urged her repeatedly to get help, to the point where I contacted her parents and told them everything when she would say she was going to kill herself. This ended in her becoming very upset and angry with me. My mom would see the pain I was in as a result of all this and she told me to let her go but how could I knowing she was in danger?

After a year, I kept learning things about her, things that would shock me. She soon started to see my emotions as me not accepting her and judging her when in actuality it was just hard for me to grasp. I told her although I dont deny her and I support her, I couldnt always agree with every one of her actions.

She then suddenly told me she was scared of me and that I caused her so much pain which confused me because she constantly denied I ever did. I couldnt believe the pain I caused her. I took responsibility for my actions and tried so badly to make it up to her, apologizing immensely, and asked her how I could make things better. She started ignoring me, having angry outbursts, then making me feel guilty. I felt tortured, but I thought I deserved it. After all, I caused her all this damage.

It was hard to let go someone you thought was a good person at heart but was clearly suffering. Slowly, she lost all her friends. I became so numb, exhausted, and sooner or later started to self-harm. During most of this, me and a boy who I met through her became close as we found comfort in each other every time she would leave and who once loved her and she started loving him back. She told him to move on as she would never want to have a future with him. She knew me and him were talking and insisted it didn’t bother her. He started to grow feelings for me.

I would barely talk to her at this point and neither would he because she started disappearing for longer periods more frequently. I told her I should let her go but it always ended up with her crying and me feeling horrible. I started to just detach myself and distance myself. After all, she hated me, and I accepted I had done her wrong so I kept to myself.

After everything that happened over the course of 4 years, I could not look at her the same. I could not look at myself the same. She told me I ruined her life and that I took away everyone. That I was the reason all her relationships ended. She said I ruined her and that I broke her. She randomly told me to stop talking to him. She said I had no right but at that point he and I were friends and I couldnt have the heart to do that. It wasnt different from what she had been guilt tripping me with for the rest of the past years. I didnt deny. I cant deny her experience. I asked for forgiveness, but I told her that as much as I did unintentionally, it was unfair for her to put everything on me because her relationships were unstable to begin with and while I never had this issue with anyone before since all the people in my life have been here for years, all her relationships seemed to fail. She started thinking about what I said and came to the conclusion she has BPD. She hasn’t been diagnosed and she agreed to see someone but after reading so many posts of people experiencing similar stories to me, I really feel that is what she might have. I didnt know I was dealing with this at the time. I justified her intense emotions over trivial situations as me being the issue.

I never got the chnce to tell her all shes done to me because I forgave her a long time ago. I knew she was sick and didnt blame her for anything but she never forgave me. She never would forgive. Shed just constantly repeat everything wrong even when wed try working it out.
He left her because he said he was tired of hurting her and suffering. I was there for them both through what was a devestating break up. I told her she should just leave me if I put her through so much pain. That this was too toxic. She disappeared again. She said she has no one left and that made me feel awful, so here I am again just waiting for that message of return.

Sorry for the length. No one will probably read this haha I want to clarify I am in no way blaming her. I realize theres two sides to a story and that she is very sick but this has felt like emotional abuse for a long time. This is just my experience and my truth. I dont deny what she says I put her through. Its unfortunate that so many well intentioned people could not keep a tolerable friendship. I guess im wondering where I went wrong? How can I help her? Should I leave for good?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Steps31]

Sounds familiar - always playing the victim role.
This site has a lot of good info and also the book Stop Walking on Egg Shells, which I'm in the middle of.

[itsmeSnap]

Sorry for the length. No one will probably read this haha

With enough people, a "near zero" probability means someone will eventually read it. 

I met my friend of 4 years online after trying to help several people from committing suicide

I wanted so much for her, more than I wanted for myself

I felt honored she told me because I desperately wanted to help her

I urged her to get professional help... .

I sacrificed my time and put in so much effort hoping shed get better

This was your role in the relationship, to take care of her. She needed that at the moment, but when she was "better" she would run off into the sunset. I know there's a connection you felt with her, but the foundation was a need to nurture, when that was exhausted, as in, she stopped being the vulnerable friend you knew and became aggressive and demanding, the relationship sort of fell apart.

... .apologizing immensely, and asked her how I could make things better

I accepted I had done her wrong so I kept to myself.

I asked for forgiveness, but I told her that as much as I did unintentionally

It's not wrong to try to help a friend, but when you need for them to be under your care, things can get "unstable", particularly if you believe you're doing harm when you're not quite sure even how you could possibly be doing harm when you're desperately trying to help her, to the point of internalizing it: "she says I done her wrong, I don't know how, I don't think I have, and yet I accept it, I did her wrong"

She left for a week and I was extremely confused and extremely pained

This is very telling, being away for a week is not a long time. In fact, people regularly meet only over the weekends and there doesn't seem to be a distancing issue. Others meet once a month or even after years of zero contact, and yet they act just as if they were together the day before.

Again, its not wrong to miss your friend, but there was something going on.

I guess im wondering where I went wrong?

There's nothing wrong you did. In particular this line says a lot about the image she painted and the reality of her relationships, yours included:

She made it seem like everyone hated her when in actuality the people I talked to that knew her glorified her as one of the best people they’ve ever met.

Do you think people who "glorified her" would cause as much harm to her as she said you did to her?

How can I help her?

You can't, not in the way you would expect anyway.

You can't "make her better", but you can make your relationship with her better.

Take it for what it is, know that she is hyper reactive and has a twisted perception of reality, it is not about you, its about her and her self protection, even trying to "help her" is seen as an attack: "why would she want to help me unless there's something wrong with me? she thinks there's something wrong with me, she's out to get me, she's trying to hurt me"

Should I leave for good?

If you want to pursue the relationship, know this situation is not likely to change, it's up to you to decide if you actually want to.

[Idkreally]

I just wanted to thank you for reading my post. I didn't expect anyone to and you did more than that. You replied to specific parts and elaborated. It really means a lot to me! Your time wasn't wasted and it was helpful. I'm learning to let go, move on, recover, and forgive myself. Thank you so much, I appreciate it immensely

[itsmeSnap]

Hey idkreally

Good to hear you're doing well.

Stick around as long as you want! people here appreciate having someone to talk to and we help each other. Feel free to ask questions, look around at other threads and boards, sometimes its easier to learn and see solutions from the outside looking in.

Its a process, it looks like you're on the right track 

Good luck!