New to Setting Boundaries

[stayingsane123]

Hi Everyone,

My wife was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. She briefly attended DBT, but dropped out after a few months (felt like she got everything she needed from it, but it was clear to me that she was frustrated w/ uncomfortable feelings that came up during sessions, and her self-harm [facepicking] was making it difficult to make her appointments). I have been providing for her exclusively for the past five years. I am the only person that works in the relationship, we have no kids, and have been running around trying to accomodate for her needs for almost as long as we have been married.

I recently mustered enough courage, with the help of a therapist, to start setting healthy boundaries. Some examples: 1) Not jumping up to go to the grocery store/pharmacy whenever she needs something. She is perfectly capable of doing these chores and doesn't need me to do them for her all the time. I am obviously happy to go by medicine for her if she is sick. But this cannot be a semi-daily situation that comes up for seemingly no reason. 2) When she wants to cancel plans to see friends family at the last minute, I will go without her. I will not give into threats of self-harm, or temper tantrums about me not caring about her. 3) If she wants to spend money on something on a whim (most recently a fish tank, we never had fish, and she wanted me to buy a fishtank on a moments notice), I will not do it and will suggest that we think it over first. 4) When she starts name-calling or becomes extremely aggitated, I will no longer particpate in the conversation. I refuse to be in a conversation with someone that is not listening to me, or respecting that I may have a different opinion.

This list of boundaries was very difficult for me, because I have slipped into co-dependency and am strapped with guilt whenever I feel like I am depriving her of something she "needs" from me. It took me about a year of therapy to realize that she needs to care for her needs, and that our relationship needs to be one of reciprocal support.

However, I still struggle with knowing where to draw the line. For example, she had a Dr's. appointment today and needed the car to get to it. We only have one car and I usually drive to work. I told her, "of course you can take the car to your appointment, but I need a ride to the train station so I can get to work". Fast-forward to this morning, five minutes before I need to leave to make the train, she tells me to "Take an uber, I don't want to take you to the train. I don't want to be co-dependent on you". I tell her "That's not what co-dependency is, I need a ride to the train so that I can get to work. I'm only taking the train because you need the car today". She justs keeps saying "co-dependent no more", over and over again (this is the title of a book I read to help me learn how to set boundaries), and was clearly trying to provoke me. I didn't lose control, but did raise my voice a bit and said. "You have two choices, either take me to the train station, or reschedule your appointment. I'm not taking an Uber.". She continued with the same, and I repeated my statement. After a couple minutes I said "I'm taking the car to work, reschedule your appointment.", and I left. She called me a bit later saying "I really wanted to go to my appointment.", clearly in an attempt to get me to come home, I told her she wasn't treating me fairly and was being unreasonable. She hung up.

Am I crazy to think that this was an appropriate response to her refusing to take me to the train? This one is hard on my conscience because I contributed in her missing her appointment. But I do undestand, logicially, that SHE had the choice to go to her appointment, and chose not to by refusing to take me to the train station (a reasonable request on my part given the circumstances).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[stayingsane123]

Sorry for grammar mistakes. I was a bit frustrated when I was writing this and couldn't find an edit button .

[Ozzie101]

Hello and welcome!

I'm so glad you've found us here. People here will definitely be able to recognize the situations you struggle with and will be able to provide tips, advice, sympathy and support. The support and tools I've gotten have been invaluable.

Good for you for setting boundaries. That's something a lot of people (myself included) struggle with when dealing with our loved ones. But it can be so important in maintaining a healthy sense of self and getting a relationship on more solid ground.

Your situation this morning sounds incredibly frustrating. I think anyone would be hard-pressed to not get annoyed. You say it's on your conscience.

Just spitballing here. It sounds like she could be having some very strong, confused feelings regarding her diagnosis and everything around it, like the work you're doing. Her using co-dependence sounds like a passive-aggressive move from her -- not unusual. She gets it wrong. You correct her (big trigger for pwBPD). She doubles down and gets even more defensive. Is that pretty accurate?

One thing that's hard for nons to wrap our heads around is that pwBPD don't necessarily think in reasonable ways using logic. Dealing with them can, at times, be like learning a new language.

I'm not saying you did anything wrong at all. But, Looking back, is there anything you would or could have done differently -- anything that wouldn't have involved giving in to her demands and reinforcing her behaviors, that is?

[stayingsane123]

I'm not saying you did anything wrong at all. But, Looking back, is there anything you would or could have done differently -- anything that wouldn't have involved giving in to her demands and reinforcing her behaviors, that is?

Thanks for responding  . Yes, there is one thing I think I could have done better. The night before, when I asked for a ride to the train station, she mentioned that I could just get an Uber. I kind of brushed it off and gave a bit of a passive-aggressive response (can't remember exactly what it was, it took a lot of energy to stay calm in the situation... .it's not reasonable for her to ask me to take an Uber given all of the accomodations I make for her on a daily basis). At that point I should have made it very clear where my boundary was. I should have said, "I don't think it is reasonable for you to ask me to take an Uber, which is difficult in our neighborhood because there aren't many Ubers. I need you to drive me to the train station if you need the car tomorrow". That would have made it clear to her what was going to happen if she refused to drive me to the train station and would have made my response less of a surprise.

It's extremely frustrating that I am on this forum asking for help, trying to figure out what I could do differently, when I know she is just sitting at home blaming me for missing her appointment. I wish she could develop some self-awareness and contribute to the relationship. But I don't think she will ever get there unless she goes back to DBT, which she refuses to do.

[Ozzie101]

It's easy to let our emotions get out of control in situations like this where our buttons are being pushed.

In dealing with a loved one with BPD, that's particularly true. Reason and rational thought aren't always there -- or realistic to expect -- from their side. That can be maddening, but if you start to learn to see things the way she sees them, it can reduce the number and intensity of "incidents." I've learned, for instance, that an argument about how well I did or didn't dust the living room isn't really about my housekeeping skills. There's something else going on there for my H.

Doesn't seem fair to do most of the work, but when you're the healthy one, you do end up bearing more burden.

Passive-aggressive comments and criticisms (like saying "that's unreasonable") are likely to inflame a pwBPD. For them, feelings = facts. If you criticize them or their plans, to them, it feels like an extreme personal attack. There are still ways, though, to get your point across. It just takes a different way of managing a situation.

Do you know about SET (support empathy truth)? A lot of members have had success with that method: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0.

Is that a method you've tried? Do you think it might work when you have these incidents?

[once removed]

she was certainly picking a fight. its important not to take the bait, and pivot with a mature response; it doesnt seem like there were a lot of good options here beyond that.

so shes bugged about what youre reading, eh?

im wondering, how have things played out since her diagnosis? do the two of you talk about it? do you talk about what youre reading?