Is there a point to trying?

[DoWhatICan]

I recently (about a month ago) had my BPDex break up with me.

It has been a long-distance relationship of many years, with visits every year. Just before calamity struck, we were actually making plans for how to get married and finally move in together.

Then, she developed a crush on a friend she's had for about a year by then. She would often mention how he's just like me, how he jokes, flirts, etc. the same way. At the time, I chose to tolerate that crush. But then it began to spiral out of control, and I began to notice that she is now prioritizing him over me. I put my foot down and told her that I cannot tolerate her pushing me away for him, and that's when the madness began.

For a while, it seemed that she accepted it. She'd tell me that I'm her main priority and that if her crush came between us, she would put an end to it. I believed it at the time. Then she confessed to having slept with him, and I snapped and told her we're done.

A few days later, she messaged me in tears, telling me how she needs our future and me as her husband, and pleading to put it aside and try continuing. I agreed, but told her that I cannot accept her keeping the man she cheated on me with around. This earned me accusations of being abusive; she dug up links that stated that controlling who she can be friends with is a red flag, and that she cannot trust that it isn't my attempt at isolating her. This was the final straw; this time, she was the one who said that we're done.

The very next day, her crush asked her out, and they came to a peculiar agreement: they have what sounds like a "relationship queue", being friends with benefits until she feels ready to make things official. This generally manifests in them hanging out a lot and the guy going over to her place to indulge her suddenly emerged hypersexuality (which she makes sure to tell me about in great detail, for some reason).

For a long time throughout all this, I felt confused, hurt and worthless. Then I came across an article about BPD, and suddenly, everything clicked. The more I read about it, the more obvious it became what happened to me, to us. I contacted her, showing her that article and many others that I found on the topic, and explaining to her that her behavior is unhealthy and she needs help. At first, she reacted with rejection, but day by day, it seems what I'm telling her is starting to sink in. She now understands that she has a problem, and is seeking a proper diagnosis later this week (she's misdiagnosed as bipolar, which is common from what I understand) to get therapy for her problems. However, despite the fact that on a conscious level, she seems to realize that she's split me black and began to idealize her crush, she insists that even if she gets help, she wants to stay with him.

She says she has no feelings for me, and has completely cut off any sort of affection with me. The only way to really discuss the problem with her seems to be talking to her in short, meaningful bursts and then letting her think on it. Yet there are moments when it seems there is something under the surface. Moments like having her blurt out "not really" when I ask her if she wants me gone, even though she was telling me I stand no chance just before. Moments like me remarking on a certain cutesy tone she uses sometimes, us sharing a smile, and her saying "you're cute" before reverting to her dispassionate attitude.

My question is, is there any hope for me in this situation?

I feel like if she really does get therapy and has her BPD treated, things could still work out. I read that DBT is generally a very effective thing that can practically eliminate BPD symptoms. But is there a way for me to come back from being painted black while she has her new favorite person at arm's reach, or am I bound to have to wait until her idealization of him comes to an end? Worse yet, by getting her to go to therapy, am I solidifying their budding relationship instead of recovering mine?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[theuproar]

The very next day, her crush asked her out, and they came to a peculiar agreement: they have what sounds like a "relationship queue", being friends with benefits until she feels ready to make things official. 

Off-topic but kind of on-topic, it's worth pointing out that my SO did this with ALL of the men and women she has ultimately chosen to date.  She calls it "courting".  On the outside, it looked like she was just keeping options open and having fun dating (which is absolutely fine... .  In fact, we at first had a sort of open relationship where she was seeing multiple other men and I didn't care at all), but when I started to look a little deeper I saw that this was all based on this grandiose network of lies.  She was stringing EVERYONE along in some way or another.  At that point, I saw that this was wrong and manipulative and put my foot down.

Ultimately, she continued to sleep with other men, all while reassuring me that she wasn't.  Then she became pregnant and that opened up a whole other can of worms that ended in her attempting suicide twice.

The point is that the "relationship queue" in my experience was a manipulative tactic, and a way to receive the companionship she wanted without putting herself out there too much (scared of vulnerability).

[once removed]

hi DoWhatICan, and

My question is, is there any hope for me in this situation?

its a difficult situation, no doubt, with a lot of moving parts.

when is the last time that you spoke, and what about?

[Q-DawgVFR]

I recently (about a month ago) had my BPDex break up with me.

My question is, is there any hope for me in this situation?

I feel like if she really does get therapy and has her BPD treated, things could still work out. I read that DBT is generally a very effective thing that can practically eliminate BPD symptoms. But is there a way for me to come back from being painted black while she has her new favorite person at arm's reach, or am I bound to have to wait until her idealization of him comes to an end? Worse yet, by getting her to go to therapy, am I solidifying their budding relationship instead of recovering mine?

Wow, some of this situation sounds so similar to my own, with how my wife basically fell for a friend in an online affair (with plans being made to make it physical) and started on a disregulated tear / painting me and our relationship black / including later physical cheating (with another person) and dishonesty... .

Is there any hope?  Sure.

But I think it is important to acknowledge and accept that you are not in control of any of her behavior and that she is the way she is.  Your relationship is what it is at this point too, and there may be nothing you can do to save it. That degree of success really depends on her choices, as I have learned this in my own situation.  A tip I would share from my experience is that the tighter I would try to hang on, it had no effect on preserving the relationship and probably accelerated the downward spiral.

It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one person to destroy it.

I think while the DBT / therapy CAN work, there's a lot of "ifs" and "it depends" tied to it.  My wife and I have done couples and individual therapy before.  She was also unfortunate enough to get a chronic illness, became unable to work or do many activities, was depressed and became suicidal.  She was hospitalized for a month, changed up the drugs (made a big improvement for her physical symptoms), did a one month (5 days a week PHP group/individual therapy program), followed by 3 more months of another (PPHP) group program, which included DBT and other methods, and led to her BPD diagnosis!  Following all of that, she picked a different therapist for herself (her previous one wasn't very good, didn't challenge her) and embarked on her individual therapy journey once more, which was about a year ago.  Still she became very disregulated about six months ago, began this pattern of very impulsive and harmful behavior and our relationship health has deteriorated to the point where we are currently separated (temporary until a more permanent decision is mutually made after the next couple of weeks). 

Two weeks into the separation, things APPEAR to be turning around: she is talking a good game but hasn't left the bench... .I will wait until some actions are demonstrated before I take any of her latest words too seriously.  But she SEEMS to have had another major "aha" moment and wants to fix our relationship.  This might be the new beginning and the breakthrough we were both hoping for.  Time will tell.

I guess the point I am making is that the therapy can be extensive, expensive, and may make little difference, some difference, or a lot of difference, depending on the personality of the BPD person, where they're at, how committed they are (my friend's BPD daughter has dumped / dropped out of several programs that were difficult to get her into, due to lack of commitment and accountability, wanting to blame others), and how much time / effective the therapy is.

You might turn it around after all that work and effort, or you may not.

The one thing I will say is that through the process (assuming you are working on yourself too) you can grow and learn and become a better version of yourself, armed with knowledge.  Whether the relationship succeeds or fails, you can be better for it.

Everyone has their limits though, and it is important to figure out where yours are in the relationship.  How bad does it have to get for you to say you are done?  What do you want from the relationship?  If nothing changes significantly, how will you feel about this relationship continuing?

You can make your own choices and decisions in this, and look after / work on yourself.  You have little control or influence over her.  You can set a nurturing environment for her to do the work herself / preserve your boundaries and well being, but those priorities may conflict.

Lots to think about, huh?

[confused4now]

 , welcome to a society that is sorry you have a need for the help that is available, but so glad your here  . I can only share my experience about "trying" in a relationship with BPD. It sounds like this is your first discard, so it can be a shock. Unfortunately, with this disorder this is a cycle that will repeat as often as you ALLOW it. I totally understand wanting to fix a problem in (with) a person you thought your were going to spend the rest of your life with. Believe me I empathize with your situation. I couldn't accept a relationship between 2 grown adults in "love" could so quickly grow cold. I kept trying to save the r/s because I assumed the feelings he professed were sustainable. Many therapist, several disappearing acts, and countless lies later, I was a SHELL of a woman. I failed to save the r/s and sacrificed every bit of self respect I had. I suggest getting individual professional help so you don't lose your self in hopes of helping someone else. You gotta understand they are incapable of caring about anyone but themselves. If they truly cared about either party, they would need to heal before jumping into a new r/s. I realized how abusive it is when someone leaves emotionally without discussing it. I really wish you well and hope you continue reaching out.

[Copycat2018]

Hi,
It is very very important to examine your own real feelings about this relationship and then make a decicion whether and why and on what terms to continue.

This issue should be (for you) more about you then about saving her.
Some very good responses there, read carefully,
It is up to you what you make of the information provided by the others' responses.