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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: She is mad at me - all the time  (Read 233 times)
Omega1

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 45


« on: February 14, 2019, 04:28:44 PM »

Every single thing makes her angry.  I KNOW it's not me, in my head, but I am so hurt by this.
Why?
I know I can't control her anger, I can only control me.  But I don't react well.
I'm wounded.  I'm sad.  I'm shocked every time it happens even though it's 5-10x/day.

Someone please help me here.
Is there any way to just shake it off, brush it off, ignore it enough to not let it devastate me?
Maybe I'm not strong enough to be in this relationship?

I think if she showed love and affection, it would be so much easier to deal with the anger.
But I took off work today and took her to a film for Valentine's Day.  It was great and she loved it - but she wouldn't even touch my hand in the theater.  She said she was cold, so no matter how much I reached out for her, she never once took my hand.
I tell her I love her and she says it back, but I don't feel it.

How do I better handle her anger?  How can I manage my own self better?
I'm so afraid I can't handle this relationship - but I've put too much into it to stop now.
I feel sad all the time.  Why can't I be stronger?

What can I do to help me cope better, to help me react calmly when she turns on me in an instant, when she's mean and angry for no apparent reason?

Help... .
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2019, 07:31:58 AM »

It's so painful, isn't it? To love someone, to do your best to reach them and then to have them reject you and keep you at arm's length. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

In situations like this it's so important to take care of yourself and fill your emotional needs. If you don't/can't do that, you can't keep going trying to "fill her cup."

I'm just curious, do you have a good support system (beyond this site, of course)? Friends? Family? People you can turn to? Even if you don't tell them all of what's going on, having people who can give you love and support can make a huge difference.

Also, what do you do for self-care? Do you have hobbies? Do you like to go for walks in nature? Play a sport?
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theuproar

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2019, 10:24:07 AM »

This is such a tricky thing to answer, because the anger thing is inevitable.  On top of that, I don't know that there's a person in the world who can take a pwBPD's venom and anger as often as we do and not crack from time-to-time (or even all the time).  It's such a heavy burden. 

You really have to take steps to take care of yourself first.  I, for example, coach judo two days a week, which is something very important to me.  She's also completely uninvolved in it, unless she's watching me compete.  I also take some time on Friday and Saturday nights while she's at work to spend some time alone and catch up on sleep (because I get very little sleep during the week... .  she keeps me up until very late consistently).  I then meditate several times a day and have begun a novitiate course in Buddhism.  Not a very religious person, per se, but Buddhism is non-theistic and much more about training the mind than it is achieving anything other-worldly.

In addition, of course, I try to practice being non-reactive to her anger and work on validating her emotions better.  I'm hoping the combination of these things pays off in the long run.
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Tattered Heart
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Posts: 1937



« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2019, 02:47:36 PM »

Hi Omega,

I'm sorry that your feeling like your partner is mad at you all the time. Could you explain a little more how she is acting? Is your behaving more like she is bitter and resentful or full on anger?

Either way, the best way to begin to manage things is to realize that it's not necessarily you that she is mad at, although it's directed at you, but instead it is just the symptom of BPD. I know that's hard to do sometimes.

Completely changing the way you verbally respond to her could help diffuse her. If you can begin to make validating language a part of your communication, you could possibly see some changes.

Have you had the chance to look through the workshops? There are 3 on validation. This is the first one:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

Omega1

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 45


« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2019, 09:48:15 PM »

Wow, it seems so much of what I say is invalidating!  I get upset and tell her she's being mean, I ask her why she's speaking to me so harshly, I defend and explain constantly when she criticizes.
I think its all defensive but I realize it's invalidating.  I think that's also why she goes on and on until I cry and can't take anymore. 
All she wants is for her feelings to be validated.

How did I not see this?  I've been reading about BPD for months.
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Steps31
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« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2019, 02:20:49 PM »

Yes it's kind of counter-intuitive to validate their feelings first, when to us, the anger seems to make no sense and come out of nowhere. How could you not defend yourself and start getting upset?... .but this action makes for a downward spiral. Eventually, she wants to see that you're feeling as bad as she's feeling. This kind of talionic justice.

We have to keep our boundaries strong, our values in sight, and follow the tools mentioned here.
Don't let yourself be isolated. Try to stay social, and support groups like this one are a big help.
I like to go for hikes in nature, and use meditation apps like Insight, I think Calm is another one. Also going to meditation circles in person... .new age shops will usually host them.

Hope any of this helps
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Harri
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« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2019, 03:50:10 PM »

Excerpt
How did I not see this?  I've been reading about BPD for months.
A lot of places on the net do not talk about how to improve things or things we can do to try to make things better for us.  The tools we use here are wonderful for that even if they do not change our pwBPD they help us cope  with the dysfunction and some of our own issues.

Like Steps31 said, none of this is intuitive.  Validation can be tricky but once you get it, it can work wonders in terms of not escalating things which helps the relationship and helps us.

learning about the behaviors and what is causing them can also help to depersonalize things so that you do not feel devastated by their behaviors. 
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    “…we cannot be in the present moment and run our story lines at the same time!”
AriesTears

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Person in your life: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2019, 06:32:51 PM »

Dear Omega...

I am so sorry for the sorrow... it is splitting heart”s”... ’

I am one who decided to leave my uBPD girlfriend after 2 years of trying... .

My GF simply is mad at me all the time, still... .no matter what I do... .I tried all tools for “shielding” that anger, but it was a battle I could not win unless, she decides to acknowledge this...


This being BPD...   they rarely do... .


When I first found out, she was a BPD... .or when I found out when “she was mad at me ALL THE TIME”... .I decided to fight it... by shielding it... .

I thought if i create a shield and speak the “language” og anger and frustration... .I could sustain the relationship... .


I could not... .

I am a mess... don’t become one... .


It is not your ___ing fault... .try stay strong... .despite the attacks... .there must be a reason where you felt enough is enough... .hence you wrote here... .


If walking away is not an option... .then... .build a shield... .go spiritual... connect with nature... make breathing exercises as “meditation” guys guides... .get strength from nature... .because madness of hers, is NOT YOU. She is just mad herself. And once  when you see it, your love will heal her... .

i didn’t made it... .i left... .a kid involved... .because she did not accept that she has “anger problems”... .


Otherwise you might end up like me trying to recover from alcoholism... .for something I could not even control... .


It is not your fault... .what ever it is she mad with. (Unless you hurt people
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Teno
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Posts: 64


« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2019, 06:18:38 PM »

I fully understand how draining it is.

It is not fun that I'd to learn how to really control myself how things affect me. I've done the validation thing, made mistakes, done it well and still got nailed. (by now I understand the concept of validation much better) I accepted that I'm allowed to feel angry, make mistakes and say or think that I don't like things without guilt. I'm shifting towards the mindset. I'm fixing myself and yours are yours. I don't like how you feel and it concerns me, but it is not my responsibility.

I had a bit of a realisation and I could see how everything unfolds. I'll keep this short, I made plenty of mistakes as well and there is more to it. I felt/was left out in my immediate family. I was not happy with the dynamics and it bothered me. I voiced my concerns with my SO the best i could. Man I paid for my concerns with words and threads from my SO and then for the final blow, maybe we should split up, I can't live like this anymore etc.

My thought was: I was just sad more than angry. Why can't I voice my concerns? Went for a walk instead.

That was a extreme example, but then it is also the same pattern for when the car keys go missing. You bad, You never put anything away... .I can't live like this, eye rolls... .Then she finds the key in her pocket.  Sigh! I'm a trained puppy and get sucked in.

Doing some reading i realised that my boundaries are not serving me at all, I'm clueless when I get manipulated and then i internalise everyone's stuff. I got a bit angry with myself for being so clueless.

It really helped me to know whats happening and that made it much easier to shift the FOG away from myself.

I found these books below helpful. I got the audio books.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life
https://books.google.co.nz/books/about/Boundaries.html?id=Qd3QAQAACAAJ
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
www.librarything.com/work/3475431/reviews/129681512
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