I feel like I’m on a constant roller coaster

[Nash]

Hello. My ex and I were together for a year and a half. We started dating because we were living together and grew to love each other. We broke up a couple times but always got back together. In the beginning, he was extremely controlling and would have moments of intense rage and anger. Somehow I was always the one apologizing. We broke up for 4 months but we were still basically together. When we got back together, he told me had been using drugs and that his depression and anxiety were extremely bad. I helped him find a therapist and psychiatrist and they started him on medication. I know he wasn’t telling the whole truth to either one of them. He was going out every weekend and told me he wasn’t getting drunk or using drugs. Then one weekend he texted me saying he couldn’t be with me anymore and that he was still using drugs and was lying to me and that guilt was too much for him to handle. He said I was way too good for him and I deserve better. He said he needed to be alone for a while to work on his mental health. He started dating a girl with 2 kids within 2 weeks. He moved in with her. 2 weeks ago he called me saying they broke up and he had been thinking a lot about me and hated the way things ended between us. He said I’m the only one he feels comfortable talking to about his addictions and mental health. We talked a little bit on the phone and then he told me he would call me back the next day. The next day, he told me he was back with his girlfriend and that calling me was a mistake. He said he was back with her because he was weak and he’d kill himself if he wasn’t in a relationship. He said he still had feelings for me and still loves me though. I told him never want to hear from him again and that I was blocking his number. I told his girlfriend that he had reached out because I believe she deserved to know. I guess she tried to kick him out of the house and he then took pills and alcohol and “tried” to kill him self. Come to find out, his tox screen was clean so he didn’t take any pills. The girlfriend said she was going to let him stay and that she’ll take everything I told her with a grain of salt. He turned everything I said around and made me look like I wanted him back and that he was the one denying me.

I’m so frustrated that even after all of this, I still miss him and want him to reach out. I’ve been going to therapy and my therapist said he clearly has BPD and he’s incapable of caring about anyone else but himself. I’m so frustrated that I’m so torn up about someone who treats people so terribly.

[Darkstar321]

Sorry your going through this it's not fun at all. I don't know much about the illness and it's why I'm on here to educate myself further. I do know that I am in love with a person with BPD and the things she did to me have crushed me. I just wanted to give you a hug*

[Nash]

Thanks so much. It’s just so frustrating. Intellectually, I don’t ever want to hear from him again. But emotionally, I want him to reach back out. I hate that I miss him.

[eeps]

hi  @Nash!
i agree, it's so frustrating to go through the cognitive dissonance of knowing you don't want to continue the relationship, but still feeling the emotional pull towards connection. it's rough! reading about cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding has helped me to keep it in perspective a bit. it's still difficult every day to feel so many conflicting thoughts/emotions. but i know if i stick with No Contact and work towards severing those emotional ties, i'm ultimately better off.
 

[Mutt]

Hi Nash,



I’d like to join the others and welcome you to the family I could remember those feelings when I was reading your post. Its a difficult place to be in - it’s no fun at all. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

it's still difficult every day to feel so many conflicting thoughts/emotions. but i know if i stick with No Contact and work towards severing those emotional ties, i'm ultimately better off.

It’s painful right now and no contact provides a safety barrier to protect yourself from harm from a pwBPD he’s clear’y Thinking about his needs and not putting himself in your shoes and how his behaviour and actions affect you and others.

It’s up to us to protect ourselves it give you as much time as you need to feel better, get stronger and speed up your healing.

Has your T mentioned low contact or no contact?

[Nash]

@mutt Yes she has. I have his his number blocked and I have never been the one to reach out to him. I guess I’m questioning if that’s the last time I’ll ever hear from him or if people have experience with someone reaching out again, even after everything that has happened?

Thanks so much for the response and words of encouragement!

[Mutt]

Im glad that were able to help. It can be scorched earth like you’re saying at the end of the r/s it protects a pwBPD’s ego. You probably felt the idealization / devaluation with how you were put a pedestal then knocked off of the pedestal it’s confusing sometimes because there are no signs that it’s coming.

I clearly recall one week were we were fighting a lot I was so frustrated because nothing was resolved problems just kept happening. Anyways i came down to the kitchen one Saturday morning I was so fed up and she said I love you so much Mutt it was like she  floating on air and I said what you haven’t apologized for the fights and she got upset again.

Anyways my point is yes you’ll hear from a pwBPD in most cases but not all because every owBOD is a different person with a different personality that can have  256 different BPD traits. It can be weeks, months, years I recalll one member saying he heard from his pwBPD 10 years later.

Let’s say that your ex does the same thing they broke up the way that he treated you is going to be the same he treats his gf. That’s his choice even though it may seem like it’s not a good one , he’s still an adult responsible for his choices now it’s up to you he can do whatever he wants he could come back but you don’t have to go back to him. It’s all up to you.

[Nash]

The controlling, idealization and then devaluation definitely happened. Being in a relationship was a roller coaster but it feels like I still haven’t gotten off even though he’s in a new relationship. It’s just such a hard thing to imagine that I might never hear from him again. Which I know would be in my best interest, but I’m just not emotionally there yet.

[Nash]

My exBPD has a new girlfriend and is living with her. It’s just really hard for me to deal with right now and I feel like because he’s with someone new, he’s never going to contact me again. And I know it’s best if he doesn’t, but I’m still not out of that stage of wanting him to reach out again.

[eeps]

hi Nash,
what are you doing to take care of yourself these days? it might be helpful to redirect your attention away from him and onto yourself and the rest of your life. exercising, catching up with friends, good movies, good food... .i'm finding that journaling helps a lot also, and you can write down all the reasons why you ultimately don't want this person in your life. it might help you sort out some of the conflicting feelings.
i'm going through this now also, but i can definitely feel my desire for him to reach out to me getting less intense. when i think of all the crazy never-ending circular arguments, the times i was afraid of him, the times he blamed me for things he did to me... .it helps me re-focus on taking care of myself.