About to start a new chapter in my life but I’m worried

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

If you haven’t read my other two posts please do if you have the time.

I was on the phone to my ex yesterday and long story short I told her I’m gonna change my number soon because I don’t wish to be contacted anymore. And I think she feels threatened by that because this morning I got another phone call from her but I was only asleep for two hours so I don’t remember much of what I said. But I do remember her telling me not to change my number. I remember her asking “What’s going through your mind right now?” and I replied with “Sleep.” But when I said bye she mumbled the words “I love you.” Which  are words that I haven’t heard for at least 2 and a half months.

I’ve been reading a lot about NPD a lot and I believe she is showing a lot of traits. To me it looks like she’s worried that I won’t be around anymore when she needs some sort of supply.
I really believe she told me she loved me in hopes that I’ll stick around for whenever she needs me. Because yesterday she told me she missed me but not in a romantic way.
It’s all very confusing and it’s messing with my head.

I’ve read that narcissists never truly go away. I’ve already blocked her on all social media. If I change my number she has no other way to contact me. But I’m worried that if I do she’s gonna show up at my house or something.

Anyone have any advice?

[Dazzlers]

If you haven’t read my other two posts please do if you have the time.

I was on the phone to my ex yesterday and long story short I told her I’m gonna change my number soon because I don’t wish to be contacted anymore. And I think she feels threatened by that because this morning I got another phone call from her but I was only asleep for two hours so I don’t remember much of what I said. But I do remember her telling me not to change my number. I remember her asking “What’s going through your mind right now?” and I replied with “Sleep.” But when I said bye she mumbled the words “I love you.” Which  are words that I haven’t heard for at least 2 and a half months.

I’ve been reading a lot about NPD a lot and I believe she is showing a lot of traits. To me it looks like she’s worried that I won’t be around anymore when she needs some sort of supply.
I really believe she told me she loved me in hopes that I’ll stick around for whenever she needs me. Because yesterday she told me she missed me but not in a romantic way.
It’s all very confusing and it’s messing with my head.

I’ve read that narcissists never truly go away. I’ve already blocked her on all social media. If I change my number she has no other way to contact me. But I’m worried that if I do she’s gonna show up at my house or something.

Anyone have any advice?

[Vexed]

These situations are so hard and so hard to give advice because of all the variables with these individuals.

But I think bottom line is that if you are 100% sure you are done and are ready to move on you need to block her or change your #, especially if she's going to be saying things like "I love you". 

Now personally I think the question is when do you do it?  Ideally, when she has a new supply and/or is gone to college. 

But at the same time if she's truly NPD then it's almost assured she had a secondary supply even before your breakup. I didn't see from your previous posts but did you break up with her? If so that's why she's contacting you and I don't for see that stopping until she gets you wanting her back.  But if she broke up with you she definitely has a new supply and I wouldn't be as worried about the suicide threats.

[once removed]

It’s all very confusing and it’s messing with my head.

Dazzlers, it may be some of what you are reading about personality disorders that is confusing and messing with your head. if i read that there is a personality type that would "never go away", it would confuse me too.

you were together for over 5 years. thats a really long time. your ex is obviously struggling with the breakup, being completely cut off at every avenue, and the prospect of totally losing you from her life. that is pretty normal...if you read the stories here, a lot of the members are on the receiving end of the same treatment, and struggling really hard with it. when she gave you the silent treatment for 11 days, you tried everything to get in contact.

hard, sudden breakups with complete and total cut off are emotionally very challenging, and anxiety inducing, sometimes for both parties. if you are dealing with someone with heightened abandonment fears, even more so. the emotionally mature route, with the greatest likelihood of success in detaching would be to release with grace, and slowly but surely back away, to stop escalating and feeding into an emotionally charged situation, but begin to go separate ways.

youve indicated you dont want to do that because you are worried she will get with someone else (its possible. people that are struggling with a breakup will look elsewhere to stave off the pain. members do it here all the time.) and you are worried she will show up at your door. it is certainly possible that she will that she would be desperate to maintain contact. given that you were with her for over five years, you know her best, is there any reason that you would now be concerned for your physical safety?

lastly, this plan has a low success rate. why? because it sounds more like punishing her for giving you the silent treatment and breaking up with you than a thought through plan for detachment. think this through.

[Red5]

Good Morning Dazzlers,

…"blocking".

So me and my uBPDw are separated almost for three months now, at the onset, about four weeks in, I reached out to her, via text… I told her, something along the lines of "lets not give up, we've got big problems, but lets try to mend… and I texted that I loved her… this of course seemed to only anger her, so she said she was going to "block me"… which I guess she did?

So I stopped trying to "reach out to her"… then about a month ago now, I'm at work, and she try's to call me, and then she texts me… well now, I thought I was blocked?

I responded to her, I called her back… and it was something about a vet appointment, taxes, and the Pastor called me (her)… there have been two other very short conversations since, and a couple of texts… I even sent her a Valentines card, which she thanked me for (text).

So I got to thinking, what if I'd have played such a hard nosed attitude to her… what if eye (I!) had blocked her… what then,

You see, this "blocking" is all about control, they know (pw/BPD)… they know that when they block you, its going to sting, hurt, make you feel sad… as in "why cant we just talk this out, why do you have to be like this (BPD?)… its another mind_F game… they know it "gets to us"… that's why they do it… and then, when they "feel like it", they "unblock" you… ie' (uncloak), like a Klingon Battle Cruiser ()… and make contact !

I wonder, yes I do… what if we had; have blocked them… would they call the work phone land line, show up at the house maybe?

I dunno, the most I've ever had the guts to do is to just power down my phone…

I think, if I was to EVER block her… she would come unglued… and that would not be good ; (

BLUF, I still love my udx bod (suspected) wife, yes I do, very much, even though she is as ornery as she can be… and hard to live with… I want her to come back home, and live out the rest of her life with me… maybe one day… she seems to be very angry at everything, and everyone at the moment, so I continue to "pine" for her… maybe she will "come round one day"…

You know, I'm old enough to remember a time when there were NO cell phones, or computers… matter of fact, at Granny's house, they had one of those "party lines"… ie, up to six homes sharing the same phone line… like the old term "tapped my phones" … that was the "social media" of that time.

If you wanted to "block" someone back then, you would have to rip the cord outa the wall… and then that was going to cost you some green backs, to get back "online again"… as that was "Ma' Bell's" wire you just broke ; )

…"my blood sugar is low"… I'm starting to type foolish things... I'd better go for now,

Hang in there Dazzlers

Red5

[Sandb2015]

Hey Dazzlers,

I'd like to say your situation is "unique", I believe it is not.

I'm not picking, please don't think I'm judging either. 

I'm with RED5 here, I am doing what I can and want to keep my rs going even with all the "good stuff" that comes along...

I have read everything you wrote, It's so important that us nons feel understood by the community here, this spectacular community of humans so we know that others are really comprehending our specific challenges.

I too have read way more than I should have at times and came to believe that my love has so many other symptoms of "this or that" and was almost convinced she has NPD, PPD, possible schizophrenia...I don't know and my negative, ruminating, logical mind was playing tricks on me whenever I wasn't clear.  Looking for answers, needing them so badly opens many doors we create...a real mind f**k to say the least.

A question, can you see here without the labels/answers it seems you need?  Can you just see her for her, without the categorizing? Can you step away for ever or are you hesitating, why?

Why, if I may ask is the reason you are/did give her the heads up about changing your number? What were your feelings immediately after actually picking up/answering her calls or hanging up?

These may seem like simple questions, they are not, these may be the toughest questions in the world at this time.  Think, feel, put it out on paper, find a way to get down to the answers.

Just my opinion and stay well mentally and physically.

[Dazzlers]

Thanks for your responses, guys.
I’m gonna gonna step away and change my number. When I tried calling her two weeks she ago it didn’t ring. Which means she had my number blocked. Then two weeks later she thinks it’s okay to call me just because she’s feeling sad. I’m not gonna play that game. She doesn’t want to be with me and I’ve accepted that. Now she needs to respect the boundary that I do not wish to be contacted or be friends. Being friends after a 5 year relationship would be too hard for me.

I appreciate all your advice. <3

[Cromwell]

Hi Dazzlers

I did the same thing and can relate to the toll on your health this has had - your sleep etc.

What id like to input here is to try and weigh up the situation. Do you feel pressured to end it by cutting off contact? It might not completely take away the worry that she will try to contact you by other means. My ex stalked me in the street the first time I did this and I went back with her.

Ive ghosted her a total of 3 times. short term it helped, long term there is a bit of an odd feeling of leaving the relationship in such a cliffhanger way. In terms of complete closure, I still feel it wasnt done as well as it could have. It might be hard to visualise how you might feel about this later on, rather than the short term benefits. If I could go back in time I would cover a few more bases, i would have at least said goodbye.

I made it difficult for my ex to reach out in terms of cutting out contact, but she still tried anyway, so from my own situation, I could have just as well for my own closure, sent her some sort of message to let her know how I feel, even if she would not be able to relate to it, you were together for five years, it might help for you to express your thoughts/feelings before the full stop.

From her side too, I did not at that stage realise how it would affect my ex to ghost her, it is only something I have more awareness of later and there is some guilt attached to it. I did not know any better but from what I believe there seems more to it than simply "they are losing their source of supply".

Id advise thinking about whatever you do, how you might feel say 6 months or a year post relationship rather than what feel pressure to act now in this self protective way. My ex stalked me a little afterwards, regardless that I cut off all contact,  if this gave her some soothing or form of better closure - it still did not give me any. I was 3 years and in some ways it does not emotionally feel like it has truly ended despite feeling validated at the time of why and how I ended it. It can also raise the issue of feeling the need to reach out again later for the reason it was not 'properly' finished when there was the chance to.

[Dazzlers]

I appreciate your response but I have already made my decision and cut off all contact. She gave me the silent treatment for 11 days over the Christmas holidays and in those 11 days I was a broken man. I never thought she could do something like that. There is no way I can forgive her for doing that. It’s been about 2 months since we broke up and she does call me every now and again but it only seems to be when she’s feeling sad. But when she’s feeling okay she’s nowhere to be found. I feel used when that happens.
Every time her number would appear on my phone when she called I was always thinking maybe she wants to come back. But she never does. So I’ve no reason to stick around any longer.
Thing is, there have been a few calm phone calls where we actually said our goodbyes but it never seems to be the final goodbye. If there’s no final goodbye then she’ll call again. And I am always on edge just in case I get a call. I don’t wanna be on edge anymore.
I was half asleep the last time she called which was on Tuesday so I don’t remember much, but I’m pretty sure she asked me not to change my number. And if that’s true, she 100% would’ve called again.

I was in denial for a long time thinking “maybe she’ll come back” but I’ve accepted it now. The only way for me to heal and move on is to forget about her. Which I can’t do if she calls me every now and then.

I changed my number 2 days ago. Weather she has realized yet, I don’t know.

[once removed]

what led up to her giving you the silent treatment for 11 days?