I am in a limbo

[smart_storm26]

Hello everyone,

I want to talk about my current situation. First of all this is going to be a long post because I am going to open up my heart and let it out, speak about everything I am going through. So I have divided it into sections, each as a separate post on this thread for easy reading. And thank you in advance for your patience reading this big post.

MY PAST

I hate how my life has become what it is now. I feel like my life is different and more depressing from others around me. When I look at others around me, I feel that I can't be like them. free-minded without anxiety, without depression. A single person in my life has been the source of this depression and anxiety phase I am going through right now. My BPD wife. When I first met her and during our initial dating phase she seemed so perfect. She was this sweet girl who was giving me love and attention and I used to see her getting swept away by my gestures of love. I was like her hero. Having had a bad love life before and being someone who never had a girlfriend to be in a relationship with, her love and attention was probably all I needed to jump in. I felt I finally got my girl. We dated for a few months and we decided to marry. We spoke to each other's parents and they were all good with it. Then some 2 - 3 months before our marriage date, she began acting strangely. She would get jealous even if I mention about a girl (not that I am appreciating anything about that girl). Then the first time she hurt me was when she lashed out to me and said very hurtful words to me for a mere suggestion I gave her. It felt bad. Then the fights began. Fights over insignificant things. Everyday we were fighting on the phone. I remember on one day we were fighting for why we fought the day before. Its so idiotic. Initially I had thought that she was going through a difficult period with her job as she had huge work pressure and its probably affecting her mood. But then it kept happening and started becoming tiring for me. I got irritated and frustrated and often felt like not wanting to talk to her. I visited a psychiatrist to talk about these fights. He is the same psychiatrist who helped me with my OCD. He listened to everything and told me I did the right thing to come and be open about it. I was in a different city then because of my job. So she was not with me. During that time he listened to everything and said that she has a very fragile emotional self-esteem and may have bipolar or BPD but cant be sure until he speaks with her. But he suggested that we go for counselling together and she must agree to it. If she doesn't agree to go for counselling then it will be very difficult for me and things may not work out. At that time he also told me one thing which I remember till this day and hope I had given it importance then before my marriage. He told me that its not worth being in relationships with toxic people with mental illnesses, not that they do not deserve being in a relationship but they often destroy and damage the person who is with them. So next day I called her and offered her to come with me to therapy. She said no and told me that I can go to therapy as much as I want but she doesn't want to. Then I cried on the phone and told her that this relationship won't work and I am not the right person for her. As soon as she heard that she said ok she will go for counselling. It was two weeks before our marriage. Next day I told her that she has to go for counselling with me and she has to take it seriously. If I do not see her taking the counselling seriously, I will postpone the marriage. Then she broke and started crying on the phone. She pleaded and begged not to postpone the marriage as the dates have already been fixed and what will she tell her parents and said she will go for counselling. And after that thing, she again became the person she was during our initial dating stage. She was polite and understanding and lovely again. Now blame me all for this that I did not go for that counselling and got married to her 2 weeks later. On our marriage day I was all smiling and happy. She was happy too and felt like a queen. But even on that day during the marriage ceremony, something was telling me inside my mind "Are you marrying the right girl?" Anyways we got married and went for honeymoon. After our marriage we were living in different cities for sometime due to my job but we spoke to each other on the phone every night. And within a short span of time, the fights and arguments re-emerged. What I discovered is she could not handle even the slightest amount of stress, perceived any form neglect or lack of validation as the worst form of rejection and did not know how to communicate and talk to the other person about problems and issues without being hurtful. Basically it would go like whenever she would express her irritation and talk about her problems (problems I am not causing and have nothing to do with but stuff that is happening around her), I would try being a validating listener but then she would start throwing hurtful words and derogatory statements at me, when I would lose my cool and while defending myself would fight and argue with her. This would go on for months. There were times when I would get sick of her bickering and talking trash and shout back 'SHUT UP!' and hang up. But then she would keep calling. Months later both of us we moved to the same city. I saw it as a new beginning as we will be living together and she no longer has to work in that stressful workplace she was working earlier. Before she moved in with me. I did all the hard work of choosing a house for rent, buying and moving the furniture, buying other stuffs, cleaning the house, decorating the house etc. I thought she will be happy with what I am doing for her. But NO! Soon after coming there living with me, she began whining and complaining about the place, about the house about a lot of other insignificant things. I even told her that if she has problems with this house, lets change it but she would not agree for any positive solution. She would ask questions like "Why did I choose this house for her?" "How was I so not understanding in choosing such a place for her", "This place is bad. Why did I choose such a place for her?". No thanks, no appreciation or even acknowledgement of the hard work I did before she moved in. And our fights got worse and more frequent. Fighting over trivial matters continued and almost all times she was the person to initiate the fight. She would get irritated over something minor and start making hurtful and sarcastic comments. Let me give you example of an incident which hurt me a lot. My mom and sister told her something bad and hurtful and they were being rude to her for no fault of hers. She being my wife, I fought with my mom and sister to protect my wife and stand up for her. And I thought she would respect that? Well she did that day. But two days later my wife fought with me again and told me that I am not a real man and I should learn from her father how a real man is. And by the way her father is short tempered emotionally abusive person. So can you imagine how much this hurts? Me fighting with my mom and sister for her and then to be told 'I am not man enough'.

The fighting, projection, gas lighting, negative criticism for everything I did and no appreciation of anything I did, continued for months. She would often burst into an explosive rage over something minor, throw and destroy stuff in the house, use abusive language towards me and my family, make hurtful stinging remarks and stuff like that. When she would calm down she would say sorry and would love me again until the next time she blew up.

Then came the physical abuse. I feel ashamed to say that I have been physically abused by my wife. This is the thing which has hurt me the most. In a span of 5 months she out of rage had physically attacked me 8 times, stuff like slapping me, punching me, getting on top of me and biting me, often leaving permanent scars on my body. I gave her many warnings, many second chances. I told her if she repeats this physical abuse, I will leave. Everytime she will say sorry and cry and that she will not do it again. But then again she would do it next time she burst into a rage. This physical abuse from her damaged my very soul and hurt me so much from within, having received it from someone who was supposed to love me and nurture me. I developed PTSD following these abuse incidents which I have till today. The physical abuse is what damaged me the most. And during these 2 years, I have never hit her back and never lay a finger on her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[smart_storm26]

WHEN I DECIDED TO LEAVE HER

When she attacked me the 8th time, I thought this is enough and kind of decided in my mind to leave her. And I no longer kept it to myself. I called her mother and family and informed them of what is happening including the physical abuse. They criticized her a lot but sadly nobody took responsibility with regards to solving the problem. It was just me pushing her to avail therapy. I could not inform my parents about all this because firstly they will be heartbroken that my marriage has come to this. And secondly if my parents hear about this, the marriage will be over. There will be no going back.

During this time, my wife agreed to take therapy and counselling seriously. I took her to the same psychiatrist who once helped me with my OCD and she started taking therapy sessions.

[smart_storm26]

HOW SHE IS TODAY

Its been 8 months since therapy and lets come back to today. She has improved a lot and worked on herself a lot. I will give her that. I think the therapy and she taking it seriously has helped a lot. In these 8 months she has never attacked me physically again. Even the frequency of fights have gone down a lot. Its not that she doesn't get angry or does not feel those emotions in her head but I can see her fighting hard against those emotions and not reacting. Earlier she would react on the smallest of triggers but now she is able to let go of many things. Yes sometimes she still gets emotionally unsettled in her mind but she does not use hurtful words or derogatory statements like she used to do earlier. When she gets emotionally unsettled, she cries and if I have done something that upsets her, she gets irritated and expresses her irritation. Sometimes she gets irritated at small things (much less that how it was before) and tells me what she expects. She also wants me to come and console her during that time. But even when irritated she does not use hurtful words or disrespectful statements towards me anymore. If I console her, she becomes happy again. If I am not able to console her because sometimes I get irritated too for her getting irritated over small things, then she cries and says she will be ok on her own if I am not able to console. Also another thing she has improved on is earlier when she would get triggered she would be completely unreachable to me. I won't be able to reach her with my words. But now she tries hard to listen to me against her emotions. And she does listen to me more now than before. Even if she doesn't agree with something or doesn't wanna do something because she can't think straight when under the influence of her emotions, she still listens to me saying 'Okay I am doing this for you because this is what you want'. And whatever things I say she does which hurts me or disturbs me, she tries to take note and not do those things. So all in all huge improvement from how she was before. I will not deny this. I do not know if this improvement is temporary or permanent. Is 8 months enough time to convince myself that she has really improved and more importantly she will not go back to her old self? I do not know

Some good things about her:

She has never cheated on me and has been loyal. Sometimes she becomes overly friendly with people because she does not have good sense of boundaries but she does not cheat.

She cooks great and often cooks new and interesting stuff for me because I am a foodie.

She lets me have my guy time when I play video games and do stuff she is not interested in


Things that I still dislike about her:

She talks a lot. Nothing wrong with that but she is a bad listener. She will often interrupt before the other person finishes his/her statement. And having a conversation with her can sometimes be triggering because of this.

She hardly ever shows appreciation by doing those little things people do for one another in a relationship. Yeah she appreciates me. I get that when I see her actions as a whole but you know how people in a relationship do those little things for one another which can go a long way

She is immature, has little inner strength and breaks down easily

Sometimes she fails to acknowledge/understand my feelings. Sometimes I have to tell her how its affecting me and how bad I am feeling after which she then tries to empathize with me but she is bad at it.

[smart_storm26]

THE CURRENT SITUATION AND THE ISSUE I AM FACING

Here's the real issue now. We are together still today. I will not deny that she has improved a lot and I will give her credit for that. Its not easy for her breaking her bad habbits. So I will give her that. But the problem for me is I feel I am already very damaged inside having been the target of abuse for so long. I have anxiety, suffering from depression and PTSD. Before this marriage I was a mentally healthy person with a positive outlook in life. But now I am this broken damaged person who keeps getting PTSD episodes specially from those physical abuse incidents. Those abuse incidents keep playing in my mind and I feel so bad and ashamed. I also have a lot of hatred and resentment for her in my mind because of those things she has done with me when I simply loved her and did so much to support her. That resentment sometimes comes out in anger and frustration and sometimes I act too strict on her. Whenever I feel the slightest bit of negativity from her, I get frustrated, lose my cool and become defensive and critical of her. And so sometimes my reaction feels like a bit too much. I don't want to but I feel I am damaged inside. And I am not able to move on from those physical abuse memories and start fresh (which I need to do for this relationship to have a chance). I am not able to forgive her for those physical abuse incidents. These days she accepts my resentment to some degree because she admits that she has done wrong things at one point in time. But our relationship can grow only when we stop punishing each other for our past crimes. And I am not able to forgive what has been done with me in the past. Sometimes I feel she got away lightly not having faced any serious consequences for her actions. Sometimes I feel like lets get rid of all this, my PTSD, my depression, my anxiety and lets walk away from the marriage and live my own life. No more worrying, no more possibility of getting hurt, I will be free. But then sometimes I also think that she has improved a lot and if I leave her now that she has worked on herself rather than leave her before when she did those things with me, will I be unfair to her? By inflicting physical abuse, has she crossed a line, something that can never be healed? Please advise what should I do. I am in a limbo. I am not able to figure out what will be best for me

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear smart_storm-
Welcome back to this warm family.  I am so very sorry for everything you have been through with your BPD wife.  Your post was very well thought out, and I went back and read through some of your older posts from last year so I could get a more complete handle on your history.  I understand the incredible cruelty of the rages and verbal attacks.  I have lived through that with my BPDbf.

And unfortunately, I also understand being physically assaulted.  My ex-husband threw me across the room and into the door.  My marriage ended that night.  I never saw it coming, although I learned in therapy that I had been emotionally abused for nearly all of our 19 years together.  That is still hard for me to admit.  I am so sorry there is no support in your country for men who have been physically abused.  Hopefully someday the world will catch up to reality.

You’re in a very difficult position.  There are several things you probably want to ask yourself, consider as part of your decision-making and healing process.  And you DO have a LOT to heal from whether you decide to stay in or leave your marriage.

First, are you engaging in therapy to address your PTSD and pain around the physical attacks?  This would be individual therapy, although I believe your BPDw needs to understand (when appropriate) the depth of damage this has done to you.  Perhaps your therapist can assist with communicating this to her.

Second, forgiveness.  Ultimately, I’ve learned that the decision to forgive for the horrible wrongs our partners have done is not necessarily for them, it’s for us.  There’s no timeline for this, forgiveness happens when you’re ready...when you honestly “feel” it.  That cannot be forced.  My forgiveness of my BPDbf seems to come and go.  I have never forgiven my ex-H, because he has never shown remorse for all the things he did.  And there were horrible things after that night.  I simply don’t think about it anymore.  But “not forgiving” my ex-H doesn’t haunt me because I’m not near him.  So it has no effect on my life anymore.  It’s not something I’m withholding.  Your situation is different, you see?  You’re living it.

Finally, how do you FEEL about your W now?  I saw in an earlier post where you stated you no longer have love for her.  And in your most recent posts you indicate that although she is working on herself, you hold a lot of negative feelings toward her, which I feel is only natural, considering what you’ve endured.  But how do you FEEL?  Do you have room in your heart to love her?  Do you feel genuine warmth for her?  Do you feel any sense of trust for her?

Are you currently living together again?

It really IS natural that you would be questioning where you stand, given that you are a well-adjusted man who tried your BEST to support her in every way.  And you feel punished.  You’re pretty clear that you want and live a healthy and happy life.  And you should not have to sacrifice that.  For anyone.  Your eyes are wide open.  Your BPDw needs to do this work for herself, not for you.  That burden cannot be yours.  What is your take on that?

So let’s talk about this.  Is it possible for you to take some space so that you can engage in your own healing independent of your wife’s?  There appears to be a great deal of trust that needs to be rebuilt here.  In addition to rebuilding relationships between her and your family.  Also, can you tell me a bit about your relationship with your mom?  Your mom’s overall behavior?

There’s a lot to go through here.  You are SO worth this.  Please stay with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes